j1290: gets off the Wellbutrin and on with life!

[j1290]

14 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Just finished a session 20 minutes ago. Such hard work but very grateful to have someone that can help me while I do this work.

After a year of the EMDR, I no longer dread going in, but I'm glad when the session is over!

 

 

 

15 minutes ago, Thorin said:

You and me both mate. Cheers to that!

Man, you're almost there already.   I'm not worried about you.   

 

43 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I’m terrible for doing it. I even obsess over this site at times. Looking for answers, looking for answers….

I think there are a lot of truth-seekers on this website, and I salute you and them.  For sure it's the road less traveled. 

 

How you feeling, bro?  Holidays and everything?  I always want to call you mate, which I'd never say IRL but sounds OK if I type it 🤣

[Thorin]

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

ter a year of the EMDR, I no longer dread going in, but I'm glad when the session is over!

That’s good to hear! From what you’ve said it sounds like your pain was quite severe and that it has lessened now. My pain is also ‘severe’ and while I am definitely making progress it can be excruciating. No choice though. I have to come to terms with it and medication is a false Band-Aid that doesn’t help in the long term!

 

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

Man, you're almost there already.   I'm not worried about you

Thanks mate. I know I can weather the withdrawals if I go super slow. I’m pretty scared of facing my trauma (which I’m already doing…… so not sure why I’m so scared). Guess I’m worried it will be overwhelming and take over my life 🤷‍♂️ Still going to face it down though.

 

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

How you feeling, bro?  Holidays and everything?  I always want to call you mate, which I'd never say IRL but sounds OK

Haha you can call me mate or bro or whatever you like. It’s all good 👍🏻.

 

How am I feeling? I’m struggling a bit if I’m honest but doing better in other ways. Since I started taking my med with food I feel much more stable however I’ve got pretty bad insomnia at the moment. The tinnitus is also constant but I’m slowly getting used to it. My gut tells me it will go away eventually. Or I’ll just get used to it. I am struggling with the trauma though. I’ve got to a place where I’m letting myself feel it for the first time since it all happened (my entire childhood) and I’m blown away by just how much trauma there is. It’s easy to get bogged down by it. But I’m working really hard on it (it’s a daily struggle) and I have support so I’m ok. Just scared and in pain. I don’t know if I would say that out loud to someone but I’ll say it on here. As far as the holidays, I’m honestly not thinking about it….. I’ll have to eventually and it will bring up stuff but this year it will just be my partner, my kids and maybe some of their friends if they want and we’ll hang out at the beach (summer Christmas here). I won’t be seeing any of the rest of my family (by choice) this year. I’m sort of in this limbo at the moment where I’m working out how I fit into the world and my family as things are different now I’m on a low dose of meds and doing therapy. It’s exciting at times and terrifying at others.

Wow! Just saw how long my response was. Sorry, it’s a lot, but that’s my life at the moment (not just my life, all of us on here). It’s a lot!

[j1290]

5 hours ago, Thorin said:

That’s good to hear! From what you’ve said it sounds like your pain was quite severe and that it has lessened now.

100% accurate.  I had no idea that it drove every aspect of my life from behind the scenes.  

5 hours ago, Thorin said:

Guess I’m worried it will be overwhelming and take over my life 🤷‍♂️

Great point.  I think I felt the same way.  My experience is that with a good therapist they reign it in and didn't let me get in over my head.  I actually wound up dialing it back by talking to my therapist before hand about what I was doing that week, etc just so I didn't have to stay in the EMDR as long because it's exhausting.  

 

5 hours ago, Thorin said:

(my entire childhood) and I’m blown away by just how much trauma there is. It’s easy to get bogged down by it.

Welcome to the club.  We were discussing Christmas trauma, if there was a single memory associated with it...**** no, every Christmas was a trauma...so I just picked one but still.   I didn't realize how not-normal that is.  

 

5 hours ago, Thorin said:

Just scared and in pain. I don’t know if I would say that out loud to someone but I’ll say it on here.

Scared because of what it stirs up?   Personally I used to get dry heaves, sick from anxiety after discussing my family and would be shaking and more or less a puddle of tears on the drive home.   I'd be ****** up for days.   As I type that I realize that says a lot more about them than me, and just how that must sound to people without those issues.  That's one of the reasons I didn't go to therapy all the time when I was younger, because it just left me a  mess with no healing.  Only EMDR has provided any relief for me.     I hope it does for you what it has for me.  I didn't think I'd ever get there, but there was an end to the really gnarly stuff that had me sobbing and past that now I get uncomfortable and agitated and maybe a little teary eyed at worst, most days.  Never dreamed that was possible.  

 

5 hours ago, Thorin said:

how I fit into the world and my family

My thoughts are always kind of evolving towards my family.  Some days I hate them and never want to see them again, some days I have compassion for them and wish we were closer.  The only thing I'm certain of is there are less and less of them each year, and I never realized I'd be constantly saying good bye to the most important people in my life.  I think we were all so damaged that normal relationships were impossible.   I'd love to know if my great great grandparents had disordered personalities or where that started in my family tree.  

 

5 hours ago, Thorin said:

Sorry, it’s a lot

Never worry.   This place is safe. 

[Thorin]

8 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Great point.  I think I felt the same way.  My experience is that with a good therapist they reign it in and didn't let me get in over my head. 

My therapist is absolutely fantastic and the only person I’ve ever met that I would trust to take me through this process and to absolutely have my best interests at heart. She picks up way more than I’m aware. Seems to read me like a book which is impressive considering I’ve spent most of my life masking/hiding my true feelings. She also slows me down when I need it but draws me out when I need it too.

 

11 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Scared because of what it stirs up?   Personally I used to get dry heaves, sick from anxiety after discussing my family and would be shaking and more or less a puddle of tears on the drive home.   I'd be ****** up for days. 

Yeah scared of what it stirs up. It can be hard to seperate now from back then if that makes sense. As in sometimes I feel the way I did back then even though I’m not there anymore and that can be too much for me. Same, can be messed up for days after EMDR. It bloody works though!

 

12 minutes ago, j1290 said:

As I type that I realize that says a lot more about them than me,

Man until you said that I hadn’t thought of it in that way. Always thought there was something wrong with me. But they made me feel like this. Says a lot about them that I still feel like this at 43. Says a lot about me that I’m still alive, not in jail and have a healthy family. F*%k them! I did that!

19 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Some days I hate them and never want to see them again, some days I have compassion for them and wish we were closer.

Sounds like the process of healing

 

19 minutes ago, j1290 said:

each year, and I never realized I'd be constantly saying good bye to the most important people in my life

It’s hard isn’t it. Had to say goodbye to my mother in 2013. 

 

20 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Never worry.   This place is safe. 

Thank you

[j1290]

DAY 24  Having a window today.   Despite some personal turmoil of a serious nature, I'm overall better today than yesterday.  I think the emotional stuff caused by the taper is starting to settle.  I'm a little depressed, sometimes a little high, some really exhausted days where I slept in my office with my briefcase as a pillow.  Not gonna lie, racking out on the floor was some of the best sleep ever.  I think my own snoring woke me up LOL.   I remember being on the max dose of effexor and wellbutrin I'd have the worst nap attacks where I'd have to sleep in the afternoons sometimes.   I had no idea how serious these pills were.   

 

Went to an office party, actually had a genuinely good time, went to therapy afterwards and my therapist concurred that compared to last year, I'm much more put together.   Still having 3/10 side effects from the pills, but the reduction has really helped make those more livable.   So far, my suspicion that my WD Normal would get easier seems to be correct.  I guess I'm staying at this level for 2 more weeks so I'll have plenty of time to confirm.   I'm still having vivid dreams and night terrrors and things, will be interested to see if that stays or resolves.  Best guess is that it'll stay. 

[Thorin]

21 hours ago, j1290 said:

DAY 24  Having a window today.   Despite some personal turmoil of a serious nature, I'm overall better today than yesterday.  I think the emotional stuff caused by the taper is starting to settle.  I'm a little depressed, sometimes a little high, some really exhausted days where I slept in my office with my briefcase as a pillow.  Not gonna lie, racking out on the floor was some of the best sleep ever.  I think my own snoring woke me up LOL.   I remember being on the max dose of effexor and wellbutrin I'd have the worst nap attacks where I'd have to sleep in the afternoons sometimes.   I had no idea how serious these pills were.   

 

Went to an office party, actually had a genuinely good time, went to therapy afterwards and my therapist concurred that compared to last year, I'm much more put together.   Still having 3/10 side effects from the pills, but the reduction has really helped make those more livable.   So far, my suspicion that my WD Normal would get easier seems to be correct.  I guess I'm staying at this level for 2 more weeks so I'll have plenty of time to confirm.   I'm still having vivid dreams and night terrrors and things, will be interested to see if that stays or resolves.  Best guess is that it'll stay. 

Sounds like despite the path having ups and downs your generally improving I’ve over time. Good stuff! Hope today was ok for you.

[j1290]

DAY 25  2.5/10 pretty good overall good mood and didn't have to take any headache pills or anything.   Best day I've had in ages.  I'm hoping it means that symptoms of the pills will be more tolerable at WD Normal, but I guess I'll know better in a couple weeks.   Today was almost at a level I'd be comfortable for an extended hold if necessary, which I think means I'm getting closer and closer to the tipping point where things will be a little easier between drops.  Excited to do the next drop but also don't regret this slightly extended hold.  I still kinda can't believe that my taper is actually working after essentially a year of failure.   This is the first somewhat peaceful that I've felt in 18 months.   I did that party last night, went to dinner tonight, spent time talking with colleagues around the office today, instead of hiding out in my office because steam was coming out my ears.   So nice to have less chemical anxiety.   Makes me also excited to think about what 1/2 my starting dose will feel like.   Can't wait.  

[Thorin]

16 hours ago, j1290 said:

DAY 25  2.5/10 pretty good overall good mood and didn't have to take any headache pills or anything.   Best day I've had in ages.  I'm hoping it means that symptoms of the pills will be more tolerable at WD Normal, but I guess I'll know better in a couple weeks.   Today was almost at a level I'd be comfortable for an extended hold if necessary, which I think means I'm getting closer and closer to the tipping point where things will be a little easier between drops.  Excited to do the next drop but also don't regret this slightly extended hold.  I still kinda can't believe that my taper is actually working after essentially a year of failure.   This is the first somewhat peaceful that I've felt in 18 months.   I did that party last night, went to dinner tonight, spent time talking with colleagues around the office today, instead of hiding out in my office because steam was coming out my ears.   So nice to have less chemical anxiety.   Makes me also excited to think about what 1/2 my starting dose will feel like.   Can't wait.  

You’re absolutely smashing this taper mate. You’ve got this!

[j1290]

DAY 26    2/10 Great day.  Will  be interesting to see if things go south from here as I hold for another 11 days or not.  Best guess is it'll go up to a 3/10 and trend downward as I reduce.  Nightly blood pressure medicine might be helping, but feeling pretty good around this time is on track with other reductions, so I think I'm on track.  

 

9 hours ago, Thorin said:

You’re absolutely smashing this taper mate. You’ve got this!

Thanks man!  I've been taking half a blood pressure pill every night and I think it's really knocking me out.  Come think of it that might be why my symptoms are a little lighter.  Can't keep my eyes open these days.  

[Thorin]

25 minutes ago, j1290 said:

DAY 26    2/10 Great day.  Will  be interesting to see if things go south from here as I hold for another 11 days or not.  Best guess is it'll go up to a 3/10 and trend downward as I reduce.  Nightly blood pressure medicine might be helping, but feeling pretty good around this time is on track with other reductions, so I think I'm on track.  

 

Thanks man!  I've been taking half a blood pressure pill every night and I think it's really knocking me out.  Come think of it that might be why my symptoms are a little lighter.  Can't keep my eyes open these days.  

If it’s Clonidine I know it helps me sleep and relax…..

[j1290]

DAY 27 Feeling really good today overall.  Suspect it's part of CNS rebalancing, there's some agitation with it also.  I dislike chemical elevation, but it's all part of the package.   Meeting with a friend for a yearly Christmas party so its good timing, at least.   

 

11 hours ago, Thorin said:

If it’s Clonidine I know it helps me sleep and relax…..

 

Yeah that's it.   I know what I did, I took half a pill in the day time and half at night for a couple days I think and it caught up with me.   One day I'll be off all these pills...one day....

[j1290]

DAY 28  3/10 top of head on fire, slight pressure, headache, etc.  Had to take 1/4 sumatriptan and took a nap this afternoon, so far from perfect but really just fine.   I had a meeting with a coach and was composed, and the same with talking to a buddy of mine on the phone, I was more composed and funnier than I've been in quite a long time.   Previously I've had days where I got my sense of humor back, but not usually around day 28 like this.   I do feel like things are less locked up brain wise and the overall pressure and whatnot has reduced.   This time last year was full of intense anxiety and side effects, so things are definitely improving.   I'm starting to feel a little more like myself, but a better version, one that's kinder and more considerate.  I think I was on target that I would feel a bit better when I got my doseage to around 300mg, and 150 will hopefully be even better.  My hypothesis is that the chems have caused me more anxiety and  irritability than I realized.  I'm so chill I don't recognize myself.  

 

I still think about switching 150mg IR to the XL to reduce side effects.  It would be nice, but after so long in an unstabilized state trying to figure out how to reduce, I think I'd rather have the head issues than jump back into that and try to find how to make a new medicine combo work.  I just repeat myself but after 4 months of reducing, I'm not seeing any evidence of a depression rebound - yet.   I know it's possible, of course, but if it happens, I think it will be based on the chemicals rather than my own emotions becuase the EMDR has been very effective in helping me treat the underlying trauma that caused the depression.  The next phase of my life will be without much of that baggage I've carried around all my life.   I intend to have some fun!

[Thorin]

41 minutes ago, j1290 said:

I'm starting to feel a little more like myself, but a better version, one that's kinder and more considerate. 

That’s admirable. I can respect that.

 

42 minutes ago, j1290 said:

better.  My hypothesis is that the chems have caused me more anxiety and  irritability than I realized. 

I have absolutely experienced this. Much less anxious and irritable as I’ve reduced the meds

 

43 minutes ago, j1290 said:

think it will be based on the chemicals rather than my own emotions becuase the EMDR has been very effective in helping me treat the underlying trauma that caused the depression. 

You’re probably fine but I imagine that, worst case, is a little cake back that you could go do some more targeted EMDR and resolve any residual depression. Of course you may well be perfectly fine!

[j1290]

31 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I have absolutely experienced this. Much less anxious and irritable as I’ve reduced the meds

 

No kidding?  I swear I had no idea.   I thought the pills were a neutral, that they didn't have any side effects.  I got okee doked  (link in case that's a 'murrican term).  Because of the side effects, I'm still having irritability issues, and I'm sure that'll continue as I taper, man I'm really looking forward to having less of that.  I can't wait to find out what my personality is like off of these things.   

 

36 minutes ago, Thorin said:

You’re probably fine but I imagine that, worst case, is a little cake back that you could go do some more targeted EMDR and resolve any residual depression. Of course you may well be perfectly fine!

I'm on the lookout for return of my original symptoms.   So far, so good.  I'm at literally the most difficult time in the year for me, wrapping up a difficult job, and I'm in the best mental condition of my life, anxiety wise, etc.  I gotta remember, that ain't bad.  Plus I got a sports jacket for a holiday party and now I feel legit.  Come think of it, maybe I'll wear that on my last day of work.   It's quite confidence inspiring!  Such a funny world.   

[Thorin]

5 minutes ago, j1290 said:

have any side effects.  I got okee doked  (link in case that's a 'murrican term).  Because of the side effects, I'm still having irritability issues, and I'm sure that'll continue as I taper, man I'm really looking forward to having less of that.  I can't wait to find out what my personality is like off of these things.   

Lol never heard that term before. Had to follow the link. I don’t get anywhere near as irritable now, or rarely. But I also don’t get as enthusiastic as I used to either, so I hope that picks up again. It’s both exciting and scary to find out who you are

 

15 minutes ago, j1290 said:

me, wrapping up a difficult job, and I'm in the best mental condition of my life, anxiety wise, etc. 

that’s pretty damn good

 

16 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Plus I got a sports jacket for a holiday party and now I feel legit. 

Ha! Nice!

[j1290]

DAY 29 3/10, great morning yet cranky due to head issues. Overall WD Normal is barely tolerable at 327mg, but that's an improvement.  Full blast 450mg IR is defo not tolerable.  I think once I get down to around 200mg or so symptoms will really be better.   Emotionally I'm pretty stable, just irritable due to headache and activation.  I had to take 1/4 Sumatriptan today and it helped a little.  Kinda boring up date but that's fine by me.  

[Thorin]

27 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Emotionally I'm pretty stable, just irritable due to headache and activation.

I hate those days where you’re activated and it makes you sh*tty with everyone. Makes me feel guilty. Give it time and you’ll pick up again.

[j1290]

10 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I hate those days where you’re activated and it makes you sh*tty with everyone. Makes me feel guilty. Give it time and you’ll pick up again.

Thanks, man!   I keep telling myself that in 90 days I'll be in a much better situation, with 3 more drops.  Gotta let the emotions thaw out a little at a time so things don't get too weird.  How are you holding up these days?  As always, I'm slightly amazed I haven't been fired.  When I get cranky I get frustrated with things more easily and ask too many questions and people get mad LOL

[Thorin]

1 minute ago, j1290 said:

Thanks, man!   I keep telling myself that in 90 days I'll be in a much better situation, with 3 more drops.  Gotta let the emotions thaw out a little at a time so things don't get too weird.  How are you holding up these days?  As always, I'm slightly amazed I haven't been fired.  When I get cranky I get frustrated with things more easily and ask too many questions and people get mad LOL

Hey man, for sure you will continue to improve as you reduce the meds. Were you often irritable before the meds or withdrawing the meds? It seems to bother you when you are irritable so I’m assuming you weren’t! Which suggests to me it will go away eventually. It’s good if you can let out or start to feel a few emotions of a gradual period. If it happens to quickly it’s completely overwhelming. I’m speaking from experience. Another time I’ll tell you about the Benzo taper and all my emotions coming out at once. Happened again with the Lurasidone too but in a different way.

I’ve had an ok day today actually which is welcome. Been eating healthy again which I think makes a difference for me. Used to put whatever I wanted in my body. Not anymore! Maybe again one day……

People shouldn’t have an issue with other people asking questions. I tend to ask a lot of questions as I need to, to fully understand something. It’s a red flag for me if people can’t handle me asking questions….. unless you’re doing it in a way that’s meant to piss someone off? Sometimes people do that too.

how you going with Christmas coming up? My daughter said today that it was Christmas Eve on Saturday which blew me away. I have not been paying attention at all! Time to get my sh*t into gear and get organised! Can I ask what you do for a job? I’m an ecologist and work for a small (but rapidly growing) environmental consultancy. Been in this field for about 6 years total. Stressful job but rewarding a lot of the time. Starting to come sider a career change out of consulting though. As I said very stressful which is hard when you’re inWD!

[j1290]

6 hours ago, Thorin said:

Were you often irritable before the meds or withdrawing the meds?

Great question!  Yeah, irritability is a known side effect, and I certainly suffered from it.  Man, I had no idea what this drug was doing to me, now that I think of it.  But yeah I'm taking a large dose of the instant release which is apparently a rare thing, and it's extra harsh.  In 90 days, though?  I'm going to be in good shape!

 

6 hours ago, Thorin said:

If it happens to quickly it’s completely overwhelming. I’m speaking from experience.

Oh yeah, I know you know what you're talking about!   It's tough enough for me to adapt to the intensity of feelings from even a small drop.  I'd love to get off these faster, but I'm realizing more and more that it would be way too much even if I could do it.  

 

6 hours ago, Thorin said:

Another time I’ll tell you about the Benzo taper and all my emotions coming out at once. Happened again with the Lurasidone too but in a different way.

This is valuable information.  Maybe when you write your success story you can detail it all?   I don't even know how you got through all that!

 

7 hours ago, Thorin said:

unless you’re doing it in a way that’s meant to piss someone off? Sometimes people do that too.

Brilliantly put.   I didn't yesterday, but I'm sure I let my frustration come across when I asked questions 6 months ago when I was about to lose my job.  

 

7 hours ago, Thorin said:

how you going with Christmas coming up?

Currently a non issue, but will be soon when I leave out of state tomorrow.  Gotta be honest, this is the 'worst' time of year for me for anxiety, and I just don't have much of it at the moment.  It's the weirdest feeling, being relaxed, after a life time of tension, yanno?  When I get over the hump with a few of these side effects, I'm really going to be set for whatever I do next.  

 

7 hours ago, Thorin said:

My daughter said today that it was Christmas Eve on Saturday which blew me away.

It sounds like you have a beautiful family, and for that I think you're the richest man in the world.  Just awesome!

 

7 hours ago, Thorin said:

As I said very stressful which is hard when you’re inWD!

I've got to be a little discreet in public for reasons, in private I have no secrets.  I work in a very stressful industry with a lot of untrained, broken, unpleasant people with egos, and I work as a consultant, job to job.   When *I* am the most level headed guy in the room, you know it's a **** show 😂😂😂

 

I'm trying to get out, dunno what to do next, honestly.  As I taper off the pills, I'm having less brain fog, so eventually I will have a fighting chance to retrain, I think.  I'm wrapping up a job that 6 other people before me got shown the door, so I think I can accurately say it had challenges, and I'm leaving it smelling like a rose, despite being at around 40% capacity and going through heavy WD 🤣  My next gig(the job they held a meeting to fire me) I'm working at night for a bit(long story), so I think it'll help me get to that 90 day point.

 

What are you looking to get into?  I'm not sure what Environmental Consultancy is, but it sounds interesting and a job growth field.  My job might sound interesting too, though, so I know how that goes LOL

[Thorin]

6 hours ago, j1290 said:

In 90 days, though?  I'm going to be in good shape!

I look forward to hearing about it!

 

6 hours ago, j1290 said:

This is valuable information.  Maybe when you write your success story you can detail it all?   I don't even know how you got through all that!

I look forward to writing that story and reading yours! I will have to write about that and how I got through it at some stage

 

6 hours ago, j1290 said:

Gotta be honest, this is the 'worst' time of year for me for anxiety, and I just don't have much of it at the moment.  It's the weirdest feeling, being relaxed, after a life time of tension, yanno? 

Yeah when I’m in a window I’m calmer than I’ve ever been on meds. It’s a disconcerting feeling. I’m hoping that’s the ‘real’ me. It may be because I still get spikes of ‘situational’ anxiety but they drop back to relatively calm pretty quickly. And the things that make me anxious I think I can work through in therapy.

 

6 hours ago, j1290 said:

When I get over the hump with a few of these side effects, I'm really going to be set for whatever I do next.  

Yeah man I think you’ll be in a pretty good place once you’ve reduced the meds a bit more. I have no doubt about that.

 

6 hours ago, j1290 said:

It sounds like you have a beautiful family, and for that I think you're the richest man in the world.  Just awesome!

I really really do man. Somehow I broke the cycle and my kids are happy, confident, well rounded kids. I don’t know how I did it but I did…… hard to believe sometimes. And my partner is fiercely loyal to me. I try to deserve that loyalty (sure I fail sometimes but I put in a lot of effort)

 

6 hours ago, j1290 said:

I've got to be a little discreet in public for reasons, in private I have no secrets.  I work in a very stressful industry with a lot of untrained, broken, unpleasant people with egos, and I work as a consultant, job to job. 

Fair enough, sounds horrible. Same, as a consultant I work job to job.

 

6 hours ago, j1290 said:

When *I* am the most level headed guy in the room, you know it's a **** show 😂😂😂

Haha I’ve consulted for some big clients and they’re not always the most stable people I’ve met. It can be a weird feeling with it being me trying to talk some sense and being realistic 😂

 

6 hours ago, j1290 said:

pills, I'm having less brain fog, s

Excellent!

 

6 hours ago, j1290 said:

challenges, and I'm leaving it smelling like a rose, despite being at around 40% capacity and going through heavy WD 🤣 

Says a lot about your capabilities

 

6 hours ago, j1290 said:

What are you looking to get into?  I'm not sure what Environmental Consultancy is, b

Not 100% yet. Who knows, I may still be doing this job in 10 years. See what happens.

[j1290]

DAY 30  3/10 Irritable due to head related symptoms, but didn't get asked to do anything on my last day so it was fine.  Said good bye to everyone instead of dashing out without a word.  Never know, maybe I'll want to work there again.  Good bunch to work with.   Got a little emotional at the end, for a bunch of reasons, no big deal.  Maybe next year, God willing, I'll be able to spend Christmas with the relatives and be drug free.  

[j1290]

DAY 31  Overall 3/10, irritability and head lockup sort of stuff, mood elevation, etc.  Basically a weird chem headache and pressure that makes me sensitive and irritable.  I don't like it, but I can function much better than this time last year.  I'm still in a dull fog.  I'm leaving town so I'll probably post infrequently the next week or so.  

[j1290]

DAY 32  Scorcher of a headache today.   Took a whole Sumatriptan, which is more than I like, and a blood pressure pill.  5/10 headache today, luckily I'm off work.  I'm not super functional but I can get by.  I might have to take a 1/8th of a xanax and see if that helps.  It's been 100+ days since I took any, which is about when I started tapering.  Just proves that despite the ups and downs, I feel better during tapering still.  Headaches were more intense during the dark days of June before I reinstated, and somehow I got by, so I will for this too.   Its been a while since I had one of these.  Will be interesting to see where this goes.  

[RachelSusan]

@j1290 I hope the headache goes nowhere. May it fizzle out and disappear.

 

Best wishes for a pleasant trip. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[j1290]

@RachelSusan

Hello there!!!

Thank you so much.  I hope it fizzles out soon too, well said.  

Wishing peace and joy to your family over the holiday!!

[j1290]

DAY 34  Headache broke the other day after I took 1/8th of a xanax.  Really glad I had it for an emergency, but man oh man is that stuff way too good.  Now I remember why I don't want to take it if I can avoid it.  

 

Made it to the relatives, had a laugh harder than in a very long time due to less meds.  Makes it all worth it.  Feeling good, all things considered.  I was in rough shape this time last year, doing surprisingly well symptom wise the last couple days. Maybe Im just distracted?  Its great to get a little extra time to adjust to this last drop.  I will have to consider taking an extra week next time.  Also finding  im getting a ton of involuntary muscle spasms.  Certainly not as bad as last year, but noticeable.  In just 90 days I'll be in a much less medicated condition.  Eye on the prize!

 

Still fighting some paranoia and going down mental rabbit holes, but much less than last year as well, really just a fraction of it.   I swear I think the meds affected me in ways I didnt even realize till I started reducing.

[Thorin]

4 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Made it to the relatives, had a laugh harder than in a very long time due to less meds.  Makes it all worth it.  Feeling good, all things considered

That’s awesome man. Signs of more good to come! Merry Christmas!

 

4 minutes ago, j1290 said:

In just 90 days I'll be in a much less medicated condition.  Eye on the prize!

That’s it. Focus on the long prize!

 

5 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Still fighting some paranoia and going down mental rabbit holes, but much less than last year as well, really just a fraction of it

I’ve been getting this occasionally too.

 

5 minutes ago, j1290 said:

swear I think the meds affected me in ways I didnt even realize till I started reducing.

This! Be interesting to see who we are when the meds aren’t effecting us. Seems it changes our personality to a degree. Or at least how we feel and react to things…

[j1290]

8 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Merry Christmas!

Thanks, bro, Merry Christmas to

 

9 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Focus on the long prize!

you too!

 

Man, not gonna lie, Im low key terrified when I notice I have more feelings!  Its so weird but I think I will get used to it.  Starting to think you can't go off meds too slow but you sure can too fast!!  LOL

12 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I’ve been getting this occasionally too.

Somehow normal feelings are getting exaggerated and misdirected somehow.  I really won't miss these side effects.

 

15 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Seems it changes our personality to a degree

For sure.  Im more fun than I used to be, which is more my true self, or at least Id like to think.  Much better that than raging or something LOL things could be much worse!

[j1290]

DAY 35   3/10 Head pressure etc.  Forgot to bring emergency Xanax, whoops.  This head stuff makes me crabby, but it'll be fine.  Think Ill start my taper on Wed when I leave town.   Sooner I start the sooner I will get to a more tolerable dose and have more options.  

[j1290]

DAY 36

3/10 At the edge of tolerable, but hey, I was certainly over the edge last year at this time, so its a big improvement even if its not perfect.  I feel like I'm doing better with therapy and whatnot, then around family its a whole different ballgame😂😂. However Im doing better there too. Less missteps so Im happy for that.  Note to self:. Lots of tremors.

 

Looking forward to the next taper so I can hit a 1/3rd reduction milestone.  Glad I held through the holiday, glad I can get by at this level if I had to do another hold, but I think in 90 days after some more reductions it will be much more tolerable.  My speculation is that at some point, maybe 150mg, it might get harder to taper and I have to go slower or something.   Would be nice if it got easier, but I don't expect that.   I kinda don't feel like tapering again, but I still feel enough side effects that I don't want to stay at this level longer than necessary.

 

I think of myself at 450mg as sketched out vs 327mg me which is much better, cam't wait to meet the 200mg version of myself when I get there.  

[j1290]

DAY 2 Quick update, I was stable with uncomfortable symptoms up to day 38, that I was able to mitigate with migraine/blood pressure pills.  Note to self:  still intolerable at 327mg, xanax would have been required sooner or later.  

 

So I reduced yesterday!  Woo hoo!  Down 35% from my starting point, to 290mg down from 450.  That's 60 less pills per month.   My daily pill holder doesn't rattle as much as it used to 😂  This time last year I was having heavy temple pressure/migraines/racing thoughts/paranoia/cognitive difficulties, just a hot mess.   I'm still having most of those symptoms, but significantly less.  Nothing dramatic going on right now WD wise, which is pretty great, actually.  Things seem to be matching what happened on the last one, which was 6 good days followed by 10 bad ones and then mixed results for the next few weeks.  I don't have any thoughts of having to reinstate, no warning signs or red flags, thank heaven.  I would prefer to not have to go through any of this, but I don't regret a thing.  I was 100% correct to taper off of this stuff.  

 

Had a great time at my relatives.   I can't remember the last time I said that.  Lots of ways I can improve, recognizing that is the first step.   I still kinda can't believe that I've been able to successfully reduce this far.  This blog has been great in boring me to tears with my symptoms and making me realize they're always about the same, nothing mysterious or to get worried about, just deal with them as best I can.   

[Thorin]

9 hours ago, j1290 said:

So I reduced yesterday!  Woo hoo!  Down 35% from my starting point, to 290mg down from 450.  That's 60 less pills per month.   My daily pill holder doesn't rattle as much as it used to 😂

Man that just feel good. It’s awesome you can see literal changes around you due to reducing 

 

9 hours ago, j1290 said:

just a hot mess.   I'm still having most of those symptoms, but significantly less.

I reckon you’ll be able to do it this time. You sound like you’re in a much better place 

 

9 hours ago, j1290 said:

don't have any thoughts of having to reinstate, no warning signs or red flags, thank heaven. 

And if you did it would only have to be to four previous dose. You’ll never have to take more than that dose again

 

9 hours ago, j1290 said:

Had a great time at my relatives.   I can't remember the last time I said that. 

Awesome 

 

9 hours ago, j1290 said:

This blog has been great in boring me to tears with my symptoms and making me realize they're always about the same, nothing mysterious or to get worried about, just deal with them as best I can.

And eventually they’ll stop and you’ll be free

[j1290]

8 hours ago, Thorin said:

Man that just feel good. It’s awesome you can see literal changes around you due to reducing 

 

haha thanks man!  It really is nice to see less of those pills in there.  You said it, it's tangible evidence for a change.  

8 hours ago, Thorin said:

I reckon you’ll be able to do it this time. You sound like you’re in a much better place 

 

My worst day at my current dose is better than my best day on 450mg.  That stuff rocked my world.   I guess there's a reason why nobody prescribes that much using the Instant Release lol!

8 hours ago, Thorin said:

And if you did it would only have to be to four previous dose. You’ll never have to take more than that dose again

Thanks for pointing this out.   If something went sideways today(it won't) I could switch to 300mg XL and stabilize at that dose and probs have reasonable side effects.  Sometimes it's really tough to believe that I can really get off this stuff.   In fact I told a couple close friends, and it's funny, I think they expect me to fall to bits at some point because they're not necessarily supportive about coming off these pills.  In fact, I'm not sure if most of my doctors or therapists are, either LMAOOOOOOOoooooo 😬🤣🤣    Makes sense, though, now that I think about it.  Nobody knows how to assess what that means to get off ADs so it leaves an open question in the mind, and the mind hates unanswered questions.  It's nothing personal, and with doctors when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail, I suppose.  I wouldn't have mentioned it at all to friends if I didn't have to explain some inability to meet up.   

I don't think I've asked you before @Thorin but does anybody in your personal life outside of family know you're tapering?   How about work?   

 

9 hours ago, Thorin said:

And eventually they’ll stop and you’ll be free

One day, my friend.   It took me years, but my tapering off of Effexor did have an end.   Come think of it, at least for the moment I think I've gotten the hang of this tapering thing.   My Effexor taper had lots of ups and downs and crashes and whatnot, and Wellbutrin has been symptomatic but predictable.   I'll take that any day of the week.  

[j1290]

DAY 3  I feel great, 2/10 symptoms.  I just checked my records, and so far the trend is for symptoms to be lighter the first 6 days or so than it was earlier in the taper, and in fact, just maybe a little lighter in general.  It is possible that as I take less and my WD Normal improves, that the individual tapers will get easier, to a point.   That's my new theory, that down to around 150mg or so the taper will get easier, at least in the first week or so.  It's possible this could wind up being a tolerable nuisance when I get to low levels, vs Effexor that was a total bear up to the very last bead I reduced.   

[Addax]

So great you’re feeling great! Such great reassurance when we’re reminded that feeling good and great is something we can feel.  I read your post about being with family and that you laughed harder than you had in a while.  Laughing hard was one of the most welcomed experiences as my dose lowered. Being able to cry was as well, but it wasn’t until that first hard laugh that I realized how long it’s been.

 

I wish you some wicked hard belly laughs in the new year!