Kay23: I've done too much

[Kay23]

I dont have anything to say about myself because I have nothing to reflect on unfortunately. So I am sorry but this is a pretty heavy post. I have severely kindled myself beyond repair. Is this possible? I dont have anything left. I forgot to mention in my history that after going off my antidepressant rapidly a second time that I took benzos twice weekly along with other gaba supplements and took other supplements that raised serotonin and dopamine. Kindling everytime withdrawing from gaba meds/supplements .And not consistently taking them. I believe messing with my gaba system is what did me in. I also came off progesterone very quickly late February and that's what ended my life. After that I used benzo again once to sleep because I had complete insomnia for 4 days. I probably withdrew just from one dose. Was getting horrible sensations in my gut like terror/tickling/stabbing.  Took more supplements to try to help...made it worse. The last supplement I knew it was the end. Took NAC which I have before in the past. For 5 days and I became so agitated I was beyond suicidal. The problem is I was already mildly anhedonic on meds then coming off I had more anhedonia and dp/dr. So it was hard to know what I was feeling when doing all this damage. The more changes I made the worse it got. Now I hit the end. I'm completely lobotomized but can feel this severest internal anxiety. Complete apathy.I feel Like in dying 24/7 but it's not a panic attack. Everything looks and feels exactly the same and I mean that at the severest level. And everything I do keeps making it worse. Everyday I eat, sleep, do anything...the internal

 

Agitation and anxiety and anhedonia/brain dead feeling gets worse. I never feel comfort and dont feel anything except pain. I dont have normal anxiety anymore with physical symptoms. I do not connect at all to anything at any level. I dont know what it means to do anything.  I think I've lost many connections in my brain. I have nothing to do. I look at the tv and see nothing and I mean with my mind. I cant talk about anything. I have no soul left. No recognition of who I was. I no longer get comfort out of anything at all. I don't know what i look like. I dont recognize myself..cannot see myself in the mirror like a person with dementia. I am so bored because there is nothing I can do. I cannot engage in anything. But the severe internal restlessness is the worst. If I never went off my med the second time last summer I would be so okay. Everything I do makes it worse. Even positive thoughts. Any stimulation. MRI made me 10x worse. I'm stuck in some void with severe panic and no person inside to help save me or reflect on past memories or emotions. Cant feel time at all, dont register days/nights/months. Brain doesn't register going from one place to another.  It's all the same. I never relax ever. Extreme restlessness beyond anything. This last time I messed up my brain knew it was the end and i completely lost all connections. Cant use any higher thinking to help. I didnt want my life to end at 33 with a 2 year old daughter. I wish I was never put on meds in the first place. I was a highly emotional person who was sensitive. Musically inclined. I loved nature and connected to nature and animals. All that completely taken away since ive done all this. But even on antidepressants I still had me, although I was becoming less emotional over time. But emotions were still there. There is no feeling more dead than this. Theres nothing left for me to do and my brain has seen everything that has happened and cant unsee. At least in February before the coming off progesterone and then messing with those last few supplements I had something still. I could still eat with only minor problems and was working a couple days a week and slightly enjoyed going to friends house and I connected at some level with my daughter and could feel empathy.

 

Is there anyone who can tell me what may be going on with my CNS?

 

Edited July 22, 2022 by ChessieCat
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[getofflex]

Hello, and welcome to SA.  We are a volunteer-run community of people who have been or are getting off of psychiatric drugs.  I'm very sorry to hear that you are having all of these symptoms.  I believe that they indicate nervous system destabilization from switching the drugs around the past few years, as well as fast tapering off of your drugs last year.  Sometimes, it can take several months for withdrawal to manifest itself in symptoms.  It may also be that you had adverse reactions to some of your drugs.  This is common with psych meds, especially when we go off and on them repeatedly.  The good news is, you will heal, as long as you practice good self care, but it will take lots of time and patience.  

 

Can you please give us specific information in your signature about your drug history for all drugs you are on and have been on, especially for the past 18-24 months?  It would be especially helpful to have the details of your drugs in a concise vertical list (no symptoms), only drug names, specific dates (as best you can say for example early March if you don't recall the day) and dosages of each medication decrease or increase.  Use this format:

 

Drug name: date, dose, date, dose, date, dose…

Drug name: date, dose, date, dose, date, dose…

Etcetera

 

Please read the link below for instructions.  This will allow us to give you the best guidance.  

 

How to List Drug History in Signature

 

Here is some important information about how these drugs actually work.  This explains why we get symptoms from going off of these medications, and why it's so important to taper slowly and carefully, and be very cautious about changing our doses: 

 

How Psychiatric Drugs Remodel Your Brain

 

 

This helps you understand what withdrawal syndrome is: 

 

Video on Recovery from Psych Drugs

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

 

Here is a link with checklists of common WD symptoms: 

 

Dr Joseph Glenmullen Withdrawal Symptom Checklists

 

 

Here are some techniques to cope with symptoms: 

 

Non Drug Ways to Cope with Withdrawal Symptoms

 

Stability is really important when we are tapering off psych meds.  Please read the link about stability:

 

Keep It Simple, Slow, and Stable

 

 

We don't suggest many supplements, but 2 that many of us find helpful are magnesium and omega-3 fish oil. Here are the links for info about those. It is suggested to add one at a time, and start with a low dose to see how it affects you. 

Magnesium

Omega 3 Fish Oil

 

Have you noticed any improvement at all, since being drug free as of last August 2021?  If so, what things have improved?  Please let us know how you are doing. 

 

 

[getofflex]

On 7/21/2022 at 8:03 PM, Kay23 said:

Is there anyone who can tell me what may be going on with my CNS?

What is probably happening is that your CNS is destabilized from the various drug changes and fast tapers that you have done in the past 2 years.  If you read the post in my link "how psych drugs remodel the brain", you will see that these drugs make significant changes to our nervous systems.  When we make sudden switches, or taper off fast, the brain doesn't have time to adjust to it's predrug state.  This throws everything off kilter, and then we get the symptoms such as you describe.  Since the nervous system is so complex, and so interrelated to everything else in our body, it can cause many symptoms, and take a long time to correct itself.  These links will explain more about how long recovery may take. 

 

What is Happening in Your Brain? (Explains why recovery takes so long)

 

How Long Is Withdrawal Going to Take?

 

I just want to reassure you that if you will stay off of any psychoactive substances, including psych meds, alcohol, hormones like progesterone, other hormones, and supplements other than magnesium and omega-3, you will slowly start to get better.  I can see you are in a really low place right now.  However, we have many members who were this way, and they did slowly and gradually get better.  Do you have someone to help you with your 2 year old daughter? Here are some success stories to read, to give you some hope.  Please do not despair.  Shep, one of our staff, was on many drugs, and she is recovered now.  

 

Shep's Success - Leaving Plato's Cave

 

Coldturkmama Recovered After Paxil Cold Turkey

Edited July 26, 2022 by getofflex

[Greatful]

@Kay23  Hi and welcome to SA.  First let me say you can heal. You sound tired and lost,  I am so sorry for your pain.  You have quite a few links that getofflex posted for you.  This should keep you busy for a little while.  Educate and learn as much as you can about these drugs, learn ways to cope.

I really like the story What is happening in your brain.  

 

Baylissa Frederick has a great web site https://mccare.org/   she has guided meditation, gentle recorded reminder to help you stay focused on healing and much  more helpful information.   She recovered from Benzo protracted withdrawal and is a therapist/counselor.   

 

You are not alone Kay.  I know this is scary and overwhelming but know that you can heal.  Time, patience and acceptance. You have a whole community of people here on SA that are here to help in anyway we can. 

 

I am here for you 

Greatful😊

 

 

[Kay23]

I think I've kindled way too many times. After going off the lexapro a second time I was taking benzos PRN along with other gaba supplements. I think i was constantly withdrawing from them. I was using so many different supplements I didnt know any better. Now I literally feel lobotomized completely. I am unable to engage in anything and when I just sit there I have nothing but memories popping up and they bring me severe severe terror, because my brain made this connection that everything I was before is gone. I could have had a beautiful life. I am unable to understand anything anymore. I'm completely trapped in my body in terror. I was like this to some extent prior and I just kept making mistakes and kept losing my personality and pleasure, emotions over time. Feels like no part of my brain is working or there are barely any connections left from all the stress and not having any good chemicals during the stress.  I keep getting worse everyday.  I no longer understand what it means to feel and be human. I have no perception of time, days, months. I am freaked out 24/7 and nothing i do is processing in my brain. I tried so many things to help myself and made it worse each time. Now my nervous system reacts badly to even calming stuff. Severely. How would something this severe get better? Especially when theres nothing I can do about it.

[getofflex]

I know you are in a really dark place right now.  Many of us have been where you are, and it is easy to lose hope.  Did you read any of the links I posted?  The one about Shep - she was in and out of institutions, on many drugs, yet she is now living a happy, normal life.  

 

On 5/25/2020 at 9:48 AM, Shep said:

Drug and label history: 30 years of neuroleptics, benzodiazepines, z-drugs, so-called “anti”-depressants, and amphetamines. Labeled with “manic depression” and “PTSD” from years of physical and sexual abuse as a child. The “chemical imbalance” myth dominated the narrative because psychiatry replicates the patriarchal and paternalistic abuses of the nuclear family (and the larger political structure) within a medicalized context. This is not an accident. This is how the system is designed. 

 

I won't lie to you - recovery from this can be very long and drawn out, and difficult, but it can be done.  And, it is so well worth it in the end.  Please do at read the links and success stories I've supplied.  

[Kay23]

I believe I kindled so many times and had so much stress and was already kindled while on them and depressed. I did too much to my nervous system trying to feel better such as acupuncture, craniosacral therapy and reiki that I believe they did me more harm than good. Everything I did was done overvalue very short period of time.  I. Believe it wouldn't be as bad if it was over a stretch of time. My CNS is so hyperstimulated. I respond poorly to soothing techniques. I pretty much get worse and terror from it. I literally have nothing left but random memories popping up, terror, fear, severe restlessness, severe internal, external and mental akathisia, severe terror with all memories, severe internal agitation. All emotions are completely gone, and my personality is completely gone. I have no opinions or perspectives, no empathy, I no longer understand what anything means. My CNS cant handle my own thoughts even. Its like I can't handle breathing. How can I get better if there is nothing that I can use that helps but only triggers me more?

 

Yes I've checked out the links.

[getofflex]

I can see you are in a lot of despair.  Please read this link, it may help to give you a little bit of optimism.  

 

Steps for Managing WD Symptoms

[getofflex]

The link above has 2 pertinent sections for you.  It is very common when the brain is this destabilized to feel despair, and feel as though this is forever.   However, there is hope for you.  Please do not give up. I'm praying for you. 

 

On 2/7/2022 at 3:06 PM, Scrountz said:

5. Deconstruct eternity thinking

Withdrawal/ADR symptoms are incredibly compelling. Often when a wave of symptoms arises, one feels they will always feel this way forever. I know for me, when a wave of depression hits, I have a hard time believing it won’t last forever. The reality is that symptoms change over time. Recovery follows an unpredictable course, yet no feeling is final. Waves will always end eventually. Remind yourself that symptoms are not forever, and you will feel differently eventually. Symptom journals can be incredibly helpful in this regard, as when eternity thinking sets in, you can revisit past journals to see how your experience has changed over time. 

On 2/7/2022 at 3:06 PM, Scrountz said:

8. Resist drasticizing and catastrophizing

Withdrawal/ADR symptoms throw us into a state of high distress, where it is easy to begin catastrophizing (believing the world is ending) and drasticizing (believing that something needs an immediate and severe response). It’s important to forcefully resist this, as this kind of thinking only serves to increase distress and reinforce the notion that recovery is not possible. Use whatever strength you can to push back against this thinking, reminding yourself that symptoms are not life threatening, and that this is not forever. CBT techniques that challenge catastrophic thinking are particularly helpful in managing this dimension of symptoms. 

 

[getofflex]

It sounds to me like you are having severe depersonalization/derealization.  This is from your destabilized nervous system.

 

 Derealization and Depersonalization (DR and DP)

 

Have you felt any improvement at all since quitting the drugs in 2021?  

 

Also, have you been using any alcohol, or any other mind altering substances, such as CBD, kratom, thc, cannabis, etc?  This can derail your recovery, and worsen your symptoms.  

 

Are there any major stress factors in your life?  

 

Are you eating a healthy diet, getting enough liquids, and keeping a regular schedule of self care? 

 

Do you have any support in your life?  

[getofflex]

This is a quote from a member who has recovered from a terrible situation similar to yours.  Yet he recovered.  

 

On 5/29/2017 at 1:03 PM, pug said:

The torture, pain, misery, suffering and utter despair was never ending…until it did finally start to end for me and it will for you too.

Here is the link to his recovery story.  Please read it.  I want to hear what you think about it after you read it. 

 

Pug Your Miracle is Coming Hang On

[Greatful]

@Kay23  Oh Kay I can relate to the terror.  Our brains are so confused and trying to put things back together. I  have a lot of kindling from many drug changes and ct's.    For me it's jumbling and picking pieces of my childhood trauma and fears and morphing them into crazy thoughts and fears that feel real.  You will find that our brains are good at morphing and distorting  any fears or past fears.   I am slowlyyyy I mean slowlyyy coming to terms that  they are just that " thoughts", they may seem real, but I have to constantly remind myself that they are coming from a brain that is not working right and distorted.  As hard as it is to do, but somehow learning to just let them be and try not change them.  One day your brain will come back on line and this will be a distant memory.  

Just today I had to read through some success stories again to remind me it's my brain that's not working right and healing from this is possible.  I  think Pugs story is very comforting.  His list of symptoms are very reassuring that I am not the only one experiencing many of them.  This whole experience is beyond comprehensible, but we can heal.  Somehow we need to stay in the day and focus on just getting through each day one day at a time.

 

Are you able to do any guided meditations?  What coping skills are you  using?  

Even as we speak your brain is working on healing🌞

[Kay23]

 After going off of my antidepressant for a second time rapid taper, I was messing with many supplements and taking benzos twice a week. I did not take anything consistently. I took supplements that messed with gaba. I believe the severity of my issues is due to a completely destroyed gaba/glutamate system. And the fact that dopamine and serotonin are also extremely messed up. I have the severest internal anxiety and agitation and it just kept getting worse the more I kept adding supplements and benzos. I was probably having adverse reactions to majority of the supplements. I am pretty sure the benzos started to become paradoxical after 2 months taking them twice a week. Plus I was constantly withdrawing from them. I had all these symptoms prior but they just weren't as severe. Now they are as severe as it can get. Now I literally get worse everyday from anything.  I dont even have normal anxiety anymore. My brain is exploding with agitation so severe. Its horrific, I can feel all my nerves especially in my chest and torso being tickled and squeezed and I cant distract because my mind no longer knows who I am and what to do. I am not able to focus on anything as my mind is too agitated. I cant do anything that requires any focusing. I no longer have my higher self online to help get me through. I seriously oversensitized my nervous system. It already was a little prior to these events that took place. 

 

Unfortunately I no longer respond to meditations. It does the opposite of what it should. I was doing all types of things and I think I overwhelmed my CNS beyond repair. I literally was okay before I decided to go off my med again in last summer. Yes I had some of these symptoms to a lesser extent. I was just trying to feel better. I had minor-moderate issues most likely from late reinstatement of lexapro and taking supplements and losing alot of weight but this is severe as it can get.  I really should have stayed on it and did a long taper and took benzos consistently. Unfortunately I failed to save myself. Noone can suffer like this.

 

I was trying all these calming things like you all listed before but it was while I was continuing to add insult to injury. Maybe that's why the calming stuff does the opposite. Is it possible that calming things can now do the opposite? 

[Greatful]

@Kay23

I can relate to the nerves tingling, I get that in my arms and legs and brain. The brain panic, that's what I call it when my brain feels like it is on steroids,  not racing thoughts but in a anxious panic  in your brain.  Then throw in the body panic and you are in a nightmare.  I got some weighted blankets. I love them. Great for anxiety.

Here is some informationhttps://withdrawal.theinnercompass.org/coping/weighted-blanket

 

I understand that sometimes it's hard to do meditation but even if you can't follow along and stay focused you are at least trying to rest your body.  Have you tried any of the Mindful Moments meditations?  I like this one  

 

 

 

I use to listen to this Happiness Frequency: Serotonin, Dopamine, Endorphin Release Music, Binaural Beats Meditation Music 

https://youtu.be/LFGsZ6ythQQ

You can have it on in the background when you are trying to distract, or even just sit and listen to it.

 

I know how easy it is to put blame on ourselves for the mess we are in, but we can't change the past, self blame is only going to create more negativity and low mood.  It is important to show some compassion for yourself.  Sadly the most doctors don't know enough about these drugs and we are left to figuring it out ourselves. Can you find a way to stop the spiral and work on how you are going to work your way through this. Empower yourself with education and looking for ways to manage this nightmare.  Did you get a chance to look at Baylissa's Website?  I bought her book Recovery and Renewal. 

  The above link I sent about the weighted blankets is to another website the inner compass, they also have good resources.  

 

You can heal from this one day at a time.  I really wish I could speed up the clock and this would all be behind us.

 

 

 

 

 

[Kay23]

I'm so depersonalized and derealized along with severe severe anhedonia and anxiety. I am no longer human on any level and I do not connect to anything on any level. I never relax at all in my mind or body.I used to be beautiful and full of emotions. I feel dead but like I'm dying at the same time. I had these symptoms and they just kept getting worse as I kept kindling. Like I said, the meditations make me worse. Why would that be? Is it possible I kindled too many times and pushed my nervous system beyond repair? 

I was actually doing all the things you all suggested prior to now. I no longer tolerate any calming things.

[Ariel]

38 minutes ago, Kay23 said:

the meditations make me worse

38 minutes ago, Kay23 said:

I no longer tolerate any calming things.

 

Hi @Kay23

Welcome to SA. 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. 

 

You are not alone in not being able to meditate or tolerate ordinarily calming things. I share this experience, it's been like that for me throughout WD. 

One way this might be explained is that WD can put our nervous systems into fight or flight mode. When we are in a state of hyper-vigilance or hyper-arousal, this is the body's survival setting. Everything the body, brain, nervous system do in this state is meant to protect us and prevent harm. When we try to induce relaxation, for example via meditation or breathing exercises, our biology offers a counter-response. In fight-or-flight mode, our body wants us to be on guard in order to protect us from impending danger. Because of this, any attempt at letting our guard down is interpreted as hostile to the survival objective of remaining alert, and the body will override our best efforts at sedation. If you think about it from the point of view of an organism in super-activated survival defensive mode, there is a logic to it. 

 

What do you think, does that make sense?

 

I can certainly relate to dealing with intense DP/DR. That has been one of my most challenging symptoms on this journey. I still get it, but it is much improved compared to how bad it used to be. 

 

One thing that helps me is cold water. Cold water plunges, cold showers, putting my face in a bowl of icy cold water. When I'm feeling really desperate this can really make a difference, and I have not experienced a paradoxical response from it. This is one simple, accessible technique that actually does provide some relief, distraction, and acts upon my system in a calming way. I don't know whether it works for everyone, but it works for me and I have heard from others that it works for them, too. Maybe something to experiment with? 

 

The most important thing to remember is that this is temporary. It will pass. It gets better. 

In the meantime, we're in this together. 

Hang in there, Kay. You can do this!

 

In solidarity and support,

A.

[getofflex]

8 hours ago, Kay23 said:

After going off of my antidepressant for a second time rapid taper, I was messing with many supplements and taking benzos twice a week. I did not take anything consistently. I took supplements that messed with gaba.

What dates did you do this?  Are you still experimenting with supplements, and benzos, or anything else? 

[Altostrata]

Hello, @Kay23  I would like to see more detail about what happened in the last few years. What drugs did you go off? What happened then? When did you last take a benzodiazepine? 

 

To help us out, follow these instructions Please summarize your drug and withdrawal history in your signature You may need to use a computer to do this.

 

On 7/21/2022 at 6:03 PM, Kay23 said:

I no longer get comfort out of anything at all.

 

Many of us have had this, it's a consequence of the effects of the drugs. Hang in there, this will get better.

[Erin9]

Hi @Kay23 

 

I wanted to say hello because I feel I'm in a similar situation. You can see from my drug signature that basically I was stable for a long time and then one change of dose started a domino effect of symotoms, more dose changes, increases, reductions, new medication introduced, all while constantly trying different supplements all the time in a panic while trying to make myself better. I happen to be having a really bad day today so I can relate to what you've written about your experience. I feel stuck, like if I move in any direction by body will react in a negative way. My CNS feels pretty wrecked, I have tingling and burning and nausea symptoms almost every day. I dont feel good, or stable, or happy - but if I increase or decrease my dose, or take a supplement, I'm scared I will feel worse. Its such a horrible position to be in and I'm so sorry you are there too. Just know that you're not alone. I'm at the stage where I'm just trying to tell myself that it must get better at some point if I just stay where I am (with dosage) and let my brain heal itself. Its hard to believe some days, like today. But we can only try. Sending you all the healing vibes, genuinely, I really hope you feel even the tiniest bit better soon. 

[Kay23]

I dont see coming back from this. I did so much in such a short period of time. I think I was already sensitized before I did everything I did. I just dont know how someone can continue to suffer like this for the rest of their lives. 

[Altostrata]

@Kay23 please respond to 

 

[Kay23]

I was on lexapro 20mg 6 years before I was taken off of it due to what I consider to be severe feelings of dread and terror 4 months after my baby was born. This was september 2020 with the drug switch. I should not have let the dr do that but i felt desperate and did not know any better.

 

They switched me to zoloft (cross tapered) and i believe I was having an adverse reaction to it. Severe anxiety, paranoia, akathisia. I also took a few ativan here and there and tried buspar for a week.

 

I eventually went back to lexapro 6 weeks after being on the lexapro. I was feeling better but after a few months I started feeling worse. My tsh was very low.  They said it was hyperthyroidism, but I think it more had to due with the medication switched and my body being in distress. My actual thyroid numbers were always in range. I was very emotional at this time and had brain fog and some depression and anxiety with a little depersonalization and anhedonia.

 

However I still felt alive and could do alot and felt connection to people and emotions although not as much as before. I was put on methimazole in Feb 2021 started at 10 mg for my "hyperthyroidism". It was getting hard for me to tell what was causing what as I started to feel worse while on the drug.

 

I also took propranolol at night for a few months due to high heart rate keeping me up. I started acupuncture in February as well. I started seeing progress with acupuncture. I also was doing pt. However I messed around with supplements the whole time thinking I could fix my hyperthyroidism.

 

I didnt like the way I felt and thought it was from the lexapro so I tapered off it in april 2021 and had severe terror and breakdowns when I got down to 5mg. I went to ER and didnt really tell them I went off my meds. I'm not gonna lie I wasn't all there. It's like my insight and judgement was already gone to some extent. I didnt stay there at the psych unit though I should have told them and got back on quickly. However I didnt.

 

I contributed my problems to worsening depression and anxiety. I went to see a psychiatric nurse practitioner after all this. She put me on effexor lowest dose while I was still on 5mg lexapro. I started to feel a little better initially but then when bumped to 75 of effexor a month after being on 37.5. I became too manic like and had bad anxious energy/adrenaline and had genital numbness and nightmares. I eventually had to come off and it was another rapid taper. I was still taking various vitamins and supplements. I really wish I did not take all the supplements I did and that I at least stayed on the 5mg of lexapro. It's like the whole thing was a domino effect and I never had control after I was taken off my med in the first place.

 

I eventually came off the 5mg of lexapro quickly in August 2021 and that's when I started to notice things getting worse each month. I could not handle the anxiety and was taking ativan .5mg a couple times a week along with other gaba supplements on other days. I wish someone would of told me not to mess with any of that. I should have taken the benzo every day or just the magnesium everyday. My anxiety kept getting worse and my personality/emotions kept changing more each month. I think I kept having interdose withdrawals. I stopped acupuncture in October 2021. I eventually stopped taking supplements and benzo besides vitamin d and fish oil and probiotic at end of December of last year.

 

My mind was so gone I didnt have good judgement or insight at all. I went to the drs. Thought it would be good to try to get back on my medication. I tried 5 mg lexapro and 3 days later had severe adverse reaction...suicidal urges, severe agitation and anxiety with horrible stomach pain and diarrhea like I had the stomach bug. Stopped taking it immediately and felt better but there were definitely after effects. My symptoms got much worse after that. I was also taking the benzo again as needed into February. 

 

I got covid in beginning of February.  Things got much worse after that. However, I could still eat what i wanted besides anything with caffeine and do things although i was definitely not myself anymore and had many instances of severe agitation and severe anxiety. Food was giving me issues like increasing brain fog, anxiety and dp/dr. But I did not have the feeling to know it was effecting me.

 

Eventually I stopped benzo at beginning of march. Tried to take it again mid march and had severe agitation and suicidal urges. My whole mind completely left me and I became disconnected completely I knew that was it. Every day keeps getting worse. The reaction I had to the last benzo use is the reactions I get from eating anything, doing anything, anything calming. And the lobotomy and anhedonia get worse. I dont understand how because it doesnt get worse than this.

 

Noone can live like this. I dont have any part of me left. I literally could have been okay if I didnt go off the med a second time and/,or messed with gaba supplements and benzos. I believe I did significant damage to my frontal lobe. I also dont have any emotions. I had trouble with emotions last summer and into the fall but I knew they were buried underneath the surface. This time they are completely gone. There is no way I could suffer like this the rest of my life. Therapy does not work and makes things worse. I have ptsd responses and I literally feel like there is no option for me. I lost my whole personality and ability to do anything. I lost complete interest and all my empathy. I cant watch tv or go on FB. I was once a person who had a ton of emotion and was intelligent. I will eventually have to be placed somewhere. I no longer care about anything or anyone. Yet I care about getting my life back but I dont see that as possible because of how severe this is. I should have stopped a while ago. I can see how I went from something to nothing. I wish I was never put on antidepressants to begin with but certainly not taken off like I was.

 

Edited August 4, 2022 by ChessieCat
added paragraph breaks for easier reading

[Greatful]

@Kay23

I am glad to hear you have a little bit of spark in you, Yet I care about getting my life back. Please hold on to that.  I know how hard the days can get, but somehow, someway you will make it through this.  

You are not alone in wishing you never took an antidepressant.  What's done is done, beating yourself up is not going to turn back the clock. It will only make you feel worse.  So many of us are trying to rap our head around this whole nightmare.  We are suspended in time as we wait to heal from our temporary  chemical brain injuries.

 

Sending you a hug🤗

[Kay23]

There is nothing I can do though. Each time I messed up it got worse. I am completely lobotomized. On top of severe chemical terror. The problem is this is all subjective. I can tell you my symptoms but you wont know the severity. All I know is it's not liveable. I cannot plan, initiate, judge. I have no opinions. I do not see anything when I look at the mirror. I'm completely dead but suffering severe neurological agitation and anxiety. I have an aversion to everything and none of it is from emotions. It's just purely neurological. I dont know the meaning of anything anymore. I think my brain had to keep rewiring over the damage and it couldn't do anything else this time. My brain is so kindled. I barely feel pain or the physical symptoms anymore. 

[Greatful]

@Kay23

I hear your pain.  Your right nobody can feel the exact things you feel.  I can only empathize with your pain.  This is a lonely journey.  Our support people can only do so much, even people going through this can only relate to how this feel to them.  That being said we are all experiencing something painful and scary.

What will help you through this, your faith, the strength that comes from within, acceptance, family, time?

 

You must know that you can heal from this  Please read the story What's Happening to Your Brain.

Find success stories with similar symptoms.   Did you read Pugs story.  He was in a lot of pain.

You can do this Kay♥️

[Kay23]

I dont have anything anymore..its completely gone. Meaning my whole mind. I dont have emotions. You have to have something to work with. Some interests, pleasure, adrenaline rush, opinions, connection with something, calmness in body or mind. Theres zero there. How can I work with nothing?

[manymoretodays]

Hi there Kay23,

You can type and string sentences together.  And you did a good job putting together a narrative type summary.  I assure you it's not hopeless.  Scroll on up to read the links the others have so kindly given.  They are the underlined passages of text.

So anyway......you still got something.  

 

The signature we are asking for is a little different from the confidential information that you gave on arrival.  We just want to see primarily the last couple of years outlined, and your drug history.  

 

How does this look?

 

2014-2020 Lexapro 20 mg

2020 September(postpartum) Lexapro to Zoloft for 6 weeks then on Lexapro again

(if you could just add in the doses the best you remember, and any other drugs in that time period by name and dose, that'll help us alot.  In the narratives(right here in the reply box) is where you can talk about symptoms and other, answer questions and all too)

2021 February here you mentioned the hyperthyroidism and methimazole, propranolol, and some supplements  Just be brief with names of drugs, doses(if recalled) start and end dates.  Keep it to one line.

2021 April  I'm a little confused, and again, just clarify drug names and dose.  I saw mentioned in your narrative above Lexapro fast taper to 5 mg, added Effexor 37.5 mg and then 75 mg, then off Effexor

2021 August off Lexapro, Ativan 0.5 mg a couple times a week alternating with gaba supplements If you remember the name of the supplement put it there too, please and thank you.

2021 December stopped benzo and gaba supplement  I think it was still Ativan.....not sure, so just clarify if you can

2022 ? January or February  3 days of Lexapro 5 mg, in March stopped benzo  Was this still the Ativan?  Again, name it and add the dose if recalled

 

So that ^, will sum up your drug history in 7 succinct lines

Then go to Account Settings/Signature  and type in your corrections to my version.  Leave out the lavender prompts and all.  That will help us alot.

 

It does sound like you had some progress awhile back with physical therapy and some acupuncture, and maybe briefly while on Effexor- the lowered dose??  You can talk again about that when you do a regular reply.

 

And yah, yah.......look at those links, last mentioned.  You just scroll up to find them.  Pretend.  Pretend you are healing.......honestly it can't hurt anything to pretend and imagine.  What's a day look like for you?

 

And okay......over and out from me.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

manymoretodays (and better days are always, without a doubt, just around the bend!)

 

[Altostrata]

Thanks so much, @manymoretodays 

 

@Kay23, we still need this Please summarize your drug and withdrawal history in your signature 

 

You've gone through a bad batch of conditions other than withdrawal syndrome. The hyperthyroidism, the treatment you got for it, and covid are confounders.

 

10 hours ago, Kay23 said:

I eventually came off the 5mg of lexapro quickly in August 2021 and that's when I started to notice things getting worse each month. I could not handle the anxiety and was taking ativan .5mg a couple times a week along with other gaba supplements on other days. I wish someone would of told me not to mess with any of that. I should have taken the benzo every day or just the magnesium everyday. My anxiety kept getting worse and my personality/emotions kept changing more each month. I think I kept having interdose withdrawals.

 

This sounds like withdrawal syndrome from Lexapro. If you were taking Ativan only a couple of times a week, it's not likely your symptoms were interdose withdrawal from Ativan. If you were taking it more often, it's possible you were getting rebound anxiety when it wore off.

 

Did you feel better when taking Ativan? Other than feeling "brain dead" and emotionally anesthetized, what are your worst symptoms now? Are they better or worse at any particular times of day?

 

As explained before, we have many members here who experienced being "brain dead" and that absence of emotion after a long period on psychiatric drugs, and recovered. Recovery is very slow and gradual. You might help your healing by not worrying about it and making yourself feel even worse. Perhaps @brassmonkey might pop in here and give you a little coaching about acceptance and floating.

[Kay23]

Yes that looks good. 

After my baby I ate very badly. Extreme large amounts of food and high carb and fat and sugar. I also lost a lot of weight during the time by doing a strict diet. I was definitely withdrawing there. I also did many things I believe made me worse in the long run because it just further sensitized me once getting off lexapro a second time like reiki, craniosacral therapy and taking multiple supplements not consistently. No matter how hard I try to relax it makes me extremely agitated in my brain and body. If someone tries to make me feel better it makes it worse. It's purely neurological agitation and restlessness that's so severe. I would imagine if I had my emotions that I wouldn't be alive.  It keeps getting worse with eating and doing anything.  Unfortunately my emotions are completely gone. They aren't even underneath the surface anymore. Theres no more me at all. I mean completely swiped away. If I came to this site earlier on I could have saved my life. 

[Kay23]

I did at first when taking the ativan but I think it quickly became paradoxical. I believe I lacked the insight and ability to know how everything was affecting me. 

[Ariel]

@Kay23

You have been through a lot. You are going through a lot. 

Please don't blame yourself or beat yourself up about it. 

 

2 hours ago, Kay23 said:

I believe I lacked the insight and ability to know how everything was affecting me. 

 

It's not your fault, Kay.

 

We can't know what we don't know. Experiencing hardship in life affects our bodies and minds, and in combination with a variety of adverse/side effects from psychiatric drugs simultaneously affecting our bodies and minds -- it's all very complex and extremely difficult, often impossible to distinguish one thing from another. In addition, the doctors are ignorant and cannot warn/inform us properly. So everyone involved is just sort of fumbling in the dark. Until one day, suddenly something/someone turns a light on and we begin to see, and gradually our eyes get used to the light and everything starts to look different. Even then it can take a long time to sort through things and try to figure out what has happened. WD symptoms can disturb the view and mess with our perspective, too. 

 

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through that has brought you here. 

I am not going to try to make you feel better because I don't want it to go paradoxical and make you feel worse!

I will just say that I hear you and I can relate to the embodied experience you describe. 

My heart goes out to you. 

 

I am holding space for your experience. 

I hold you in my heart and thoughts. 

In solidarity and support,

A. 

[brassmonkey]

Hi Kay-- I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough patch. If there is one nice thing about ADWD it is that everything is temporary. It may take a lot longer than we want it to but given time things do return to normal and all the things we think we have lost come back to us. The human mind is an amazing thing in what it will do to survive. When it is under attack from outside things such as the effects of drugs and ADWD the mind will bury all the important things, personality, creativity, emotions and the like deep inside where they are safe and keep them there until conditions are right for them to reemerge. Getting through that time takes a huge amount of trust in one's brain, body and mind to do what is needed to heal and allowing it the time to do so.

 

Here is something I wrote a few years ago that might help.

 

I Think I Have Anhedoina, But I Don’t Care

 

Anhedonia is one of those symptoms that really upsets people, and not without cause.  It can be very unpleasant and disheartening. It is, however, a very important part of the healing/recovery process and needs to be embraced rather than feared.

 

I experienced anhedonia to some degree for a lot of my time on Paxil and during my taper off of it.  As I have mentioned before, I have done two major up doses while on Paxil. From 20mgai to 30mgai and again from 30mgai to 40mgai.  I first started to notice the anhedonia about a year into the change to 40mgai.  I had been going through a rough patch “life wise” for several years and thought that my lack of caring was due to the cumulative effects of life’s hard knocks.

 

During my downward spiral with the high dose of Paxil, drinking and continued life challenges, the anhediona continued to increase.  About the time I decided to do something about my life I pretty much didn’t care about anything.  I didn’t care enough to care about not caring. Until that flash of insight that set me on the path of righting my life.

It took getting sober and about two and a half years of tapering before I noticed any changes.  Another year and a half would pass before I really saw my emotions start to return.  From there it was a steady climb out of the black hole of emotionlessness. Once I made the jump to “0” things really started to improve. Today I still get small bouts that last for a few hours, but they are nothing like what it was in the beginning.  Now it’s more just normal emotional fluctuations like anyone would experience.

 

So, what did I do to get through it. Not a whole lot. I found that fighting against it only made things a whole lot worse. I found that accepting the anhedonia was much preferable to the alternatives of unrelenting anxiety and panic. I learned to look at anhedonia as a blessing in a way.  Without it I would have been feeling the over whelming panic and anxiety that is so common in WD.  Sure, I wasn't enjoying life, but I wasn't suffering either, and the loss of a happy life to it is only temporary. 

 

When it comes to WD, anhedonia is nature’s way of protecting us from the excruciating experience of constant panic attacks, nonstop anxiety, adrenaline rushes, cortisol spikes, palpitations, suicidal ideation, intrusive thoughts, and the like.  Your mind decides that it is better to feel nothing at all than to be put through the ringer 24/7 with emotions and sensations that wrack the body and soul and slow the healing/recover process to a snail’s pace.  When the mind is allowed to feel nothing, the body is then allowed to relax and direct its energy to where it really needs to be used. This provides for faster more complete healing, less painful WD symptoms and a better quality of life.

 

Yes, anhedonia is no fun.  Primarily because we make it that way.  We all want to regain our feelings as fast as possible.  But we are in a healing situation where the body needs to be allowed to do what it needs to do, because it knows best how to put itself back together.  Once we understand this, accept it, and stop fighting it we will start to heal at a faster rate and life will be much more pleasant as we do so.  

 

You can't fight against it.  This is a drug induced sensation that we have no control over.  Trying to fight it or overcome it just burns a lot of precious energy and causes a huge amount of frustration and anxiety because it doesn't help anything.  The emotions, feelings of joy, happiness, love, and excitement as well as creativity, ambition, and a whole lot more are being chemically suppressed and for the time being are just not accessible. Acceptance of the situation is the best path to follow.  As you reduce your dose further and your body has a chance to heal your emotions and all will slowly start to come back, but it does take a lot of time.

 

For right now it seems that you are not in a place to taper, I'm not even sure if you are still taking anything or not, but your brain is crying out for stability, and that will come with time.

 

One thing I did learn was to look for and cherish all the little moments of joy.  They are popping up all the time but are very fleeting and easily overlooked.  When you look at a flower, instead of thinking "darn, I can't enjoy this flower", watch for the momentary little flash of joy that that flower brings when you first see it, and acknowledge it when it happens.  Stop and try to see the beauty in things, even if you don't feel it. "Wow, the sun on those clouds is really pretty, one day soon I will feel it again".  Stop and recognize the joy/wonder in the scene, but let your body react in its own manner.  This exercise will help reestablish the neural pathways and little by little dig out and strengthen the feelings. It is one of the symptoms that is really good to practice AAF on, as there is nothing you can do about it but live with it as best as you can.  Like a bad house guest, ignore it long enough and it will eventually go away.

 

Anhedonia can be a real relationship challenge.  I went through that for quite some time.  I learned that even though I couldn't call up or experience the feelings they were still there inside, just not accessible.  At the time I had been happily married for 33 years but couldn't summon up any of the feelings I had for my wife.  I mentioned this, and it lead to several "late night discussions".  Once we both understood that it was a manifestation of the drugs things started to improve.  After I had been tapering off of the Paxil for a while the feelings slowly started to show themselves, until, now I am more in love with her then ever.  We celebrated number 39 a couple of months ago.  It's a big test of a relationship, but if the feelings are true in the first place and both people trust each other it is something that can be gotten through and make the relationship all the stronger.

 

Like everything else we feel or don't feel in WD, Anhedonia comes and goes in waves and windows.  It is, however, frequently one of the last things to go.  Some people have it bad until after they jump off, while for others is clears up as they taper.  Given a lifetime, the time spent in ADWD/recovery is insignificant.  We have all had our "life" cruelly taken from us and want it back now.  But to get it back fully we need to let the WD/recovery run its course, put on a brave face, and accept whatever it throws at us, whether we can feel it or not.  With time, the healing will happen and when it knows we are ready, our minds will allow us to feel our full range of emotions again and life will be even better.

[Kay23]

I literally reached the end. As far as you can go. The anhedonia and depersonalization is as great as it gets and at this point neither are strong enough to shut out the severe inner agitation and restlessness and severe torment in my mind and body. Theres nothing for me to distract with because the anhedonia and depersonalization has gotten to the point of not being able to do anything because I no longer have a soul or interests in anything. I'm going to explode from.my body from such agitation that nothing calms it.

[Altostrata]

@Kay23 what we are telling you is that many people here have had the symptoms you have, especially the emotional anesthesia, and recovered.

 

When do you feel the agitation? Is it better at some times of day than others? What does it feel like? Do you have any Ativan left?

 

We still need this Please summarize your drug and withdrawal history in your signature 

[Kay23]

The inner agitation and restlessness is so severe and 24/7. It gets worse everyday. I cant take ativan or anything that works on gaba. I was constantly withdrawing and having paradoxical reactions. Last time I took a .25 dose I became so unbelievably agitated. Though I felt better then than I do now.  I kindled my system so bad now that anything resembling serotonin or glutamate/gaba is making it worse everyday. This includes food. I dont know how someone can live like this. The agitation  and restlessness s so severe and everything makes it worse. Unfortunately I have nothing to distract with because I lost all my connections to the world, any interests, any ability to engage, any pleasure, any empathy. And my mind created aversions and ptsd responses to everything since this last time I took the ativan. I aggravated my cns so bad trying to do different things to calm it when it didnt want to be calm and now I'm seeing the consequences. 

[ChessieCat]

Kay, please create your drug signature as requested by Alto.  The drug signature is different from the drug history you gave when you joined SA.  The drug signature appears below every post you make so the information will be easy to see and means that we don't have to read back through your posts to get that information.