FireflyFyte: Latuda withdrawal

[FireflyFyte]

2 hours ago, getofflex said:

Doing more than gentle exercise tends to create adrenaline in our system, and this can fire up a nervous system that is tapering and in withdrawal, meaning it can cause a worsening in withdrawal symptoms.  You may want to consider putting off efforts to lose weight.  

 

I am going to do some yoga today and another weights session on Friday so will monitor my reactions to see if there is a direct connection. I'd hate to have to give up weights just as I am starting to be motivated to get healthier again.

 

2 hours ago, getofflex said:

Good luck with your dog's health.  

 

Thank you. They think it is a blood blister but we will monitor and get it removed as needed. Basically, the best possible outcome of today's visit.

[FireflyFyte]

I practiced yoga on Tuesday and didn't notice the feeling of an increased heart rate. I'll do a weights session tomorrow night and see if it surfaces again. If it does, might have to forgo weights for now 😔

 

Otherwise, my taper continues to be uneventful. I am still debating if I will make another cut before my vacation or hold for an additional week at my current dose of 2.25mg and drop once I am home. It is probably safer to hold but I really don't like the idea of my taper being any longer than I already anticipate. I still have a little over a week to make a decision.

[FireflyFyte]

I have done a few more weights sessions without any periods of increased heartrate afterwards so, for now, it seems like my body and CNS can handle it and even started running today as well. I understand that I might need to scale back, if not stop entirely, as I continue my taper.

 

I have had a few periods of headaches over the last week so might start my daily logs again to see if I can find any patterns and determine if they are related to withdrawals or not. I am not prone to headaches so have an inkling that they are related to my reduced dose of Olanzapine/Zyprexa.

 

Had a therapy appointment this morning and we spent some time discussing how I don't remember a lot of my childhood. She suggested that I might want to consider EMDR at some point as we progress. It's something that I will keep in my mind.

[FireflyFyte]

**Trigger Warning - Murder and Suicide Attempt**

 

There is a local story about a mother who murdered her three children and attempted to kill herself. Today, I came across a news article that describes all of the medication she was on/off in the months leading up to this tragedy -

 

• Zolpidem/Ambien
• Lorazepam/Ativan
• Trazodone
• Clonazepam/Klonopin
• Mirtazapine/Remeron
• Diazepam/Valium
• Fluoxetine/Prozac
• Lamotrigine/Lamictal
• Quetiapine/Seroquel
• Sertraline/Zoloft
• Hydroxyzine
• Amitriptyline
• Buspirone

Before my experience with Latuda withdrawal, I could never have thought that medication withdrawals could cause someone to have a mental health break but now my heart breaks for this woman who sought help for some anxiety around returning to work after her pregnancy leave and ended up being poly-drugged and pulled off of so many different medications that she snapped. I am curious how this case may impact psychiatry practices in my area. Her husband is on record saying that he thinks a lot of her issues were related to benzo withdrawals.

[littlebird]

Ooh, I heard this story and that meds were involved, but I hadn't seen a list of them. That's in your neck of the woods? That med list (especially if that was all in the course of months) is absolutely criminal. Her prescriber should lose their license, at the very least, and maybe be charged too.

 

What a tragedy! 

[FireflyFyte]

12 minutes ago, littlebird said:

That's in your neck of the woods?

 

Yes, a few towns over from where I live so has been plastered all over local news stations.

 

12 minutes ago, littlebird said:

That med list (especially if that was all in the course of months) is absolutely criminal. Her prescriber should lose their license, at the very least, and maybe be charged too.

 

Appears these were prescribed from October into January by two psychiatrists and an in-patient setting (which she was at the one that is considered the best of the best in my state) which is mind-boggling to make so many changes in a barely three month span of time.

 

14 minutes ago, littlebird said:

What a tragedy! 

 

It's just awful 😔

[littlebird]

2 minutes ago, FireflyFyte said:

Appears these were prescribed from October into January by two psychiatrists and an in-patient setting (which she was at the one that is considered the best of the best in my state) which is mind-boggling to make so many changes in a barely three month span of time.

 

From October?! Oh damn, all of those prescribers need to be under a magnifying lens. I'd been wondering if she was polydrugged in an inpatient unit after seeing that list.

 

I was inpatient many years ago, and in that setting, they feel very comfortable bombing people out with huge amounts of meds. Once they numb you out enough to call you stabilized, you're sent home with your prescriptions, and if you're lucky you also got some therapy under your belt (but I remember feeling like I was in a daycare with tons of unwanted free time and not enough emotional work). 

 

I was in a terrible place. Talked to someone on the payphone who told me she looked it up and I was in one of the top 10 inpatient units in the whole country. My jaw dropped as I looked around and thought, "I never want to see what's at the bottom of the list."

 

Honestly, the chaplain who came through had more helpfulness than any of the people who were there to give us therapy (and I'm not even religious). It was a holding pen until we were drugged enough to go home. I caught C. Diff there and was sick as a dog on top of the poly-drugged haze. Wow, so many memories on this Tuesday!

[FireflyFyte]

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

From October?! Oh damn, all of those prescribers need to be under a magnifying lens. I'd been wondering if she was polydrugged in an inpatient unit after seeing that list.

 

I was inpatient many years ago, and in that setting, they feel very comfortable bombing people out with huge amounts of meds. Once they numb you out enough to call you stabilized, you're sent home with your prescriptions, and if you're lucky you also got some therapy under your belt (but I remember feeling like I was in a daycare with tons of unwanted free time and not enough emotional work). 

 

I wouldn't be shocked if a lot of drug changes happened while she was in-patient. I have been twice and my second stay, they added Zyprexa and Gabapentin to the mix.

 

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

I was in a terrible place. Talked to someone on the payphone who told me she looked it up and I was in one of the top 10 inpatient units in the whole country. My jaw dropped as I looked around and thought, "I never want to see what's at the bottom of the list."

 

Honestly, the chaplain who came through had more helpfulness than any of the people who were there to give us therapy (and I'm not even religious). It was a holding pen until we were drugged enough to go home. I caught C. Diff there and was sick as a dog on top of the poly-drugged haze. Wow, so many memories on this Tuesday!

 

I apologize if I brought up painful memories for you.

 

Thankfully, I didn't find either of my stays terrible but they weren't overly helpful either. I was simply poly-drugged, attended iffy at best group therapy sessions during the day, and otherwise tried to occupy my time with coloring, journaling, and crossword puzzles. Hopefully, with slow tapers, I can avoid going in-patient in the future.

 

[littlebird]

9 minutes ago, FireflyFyte said:

Thankfully, I didn't find either of my stays terrible but they weren't overly helpful either. I was simply poly-drugged, attended iffy at best group therapy sessions during the day, and otherwise tried to occupy my time with coloring, journaling, and crossword puzzles. Hopefully, with slow tapers, I can avoid going in-patient in the future.

 

Sorry to revisit that here, hadn't thought of it in ages and that memory bubbled right up. Iffy at best group therapy and trying to fill the time, sounds like inpatient is the same all across the country!

 

I'm hoping we can avoid that again with slow tapering, can't imagine refusing more meds would go over well. Could they force us to be medicated? At that point as a patient, you have very little power. Scary to think about being back there knowing what I know now about these meds. Hoping and praying it doesn't come to that!

[FireflyFyte]

17 hours ago, littlebird said:

Sorry to revisit that here, hadn't thought of it in ages and that memory bubbled right up. Iffy at best group therapy and trying to fill the time, sounds like inpatient is the same all across the country!

 

No need to apologize. I was going to send you a direct message and apologize for stirring up possibly painful memories.

 

I was at two different inpatient facilities and it does seem like they are all quite similar.

 

17 hours ago, littlebird said:

I'm hoping we can avoid that again with slow tapering, can't imagine refusing more meds would go over well. Could they force us to be medicated? At that point as a patient, you have very little power. Scary to think about being back there knowing what I know now about these meds. Hoping and praying it doesn't come to that!

 

I am confident that going slow and steady, while working on non-drug coping skills, will keep me from going inpatient again. It will take me 4+ years to get off of the Zyprexa and Gabapentin but if that means that I get to stay home, it will be worth the wait.

[FireflyFyte]

Trying to determine if there is a pattern to a few symptoms I have been feeling (mostly headaches and increased heartrate) so am back to keeping daily logs. Here is yesterday's -

 

• 7:00 AM: Wake up but feel exhausted even though I slept 8+ hours
• 7:50 AM: Gabapentin (300mg)
• 8:30 AM: Breakfast (yogurt with granola and a coffee)
• 8:55 AM: Omega-3 (1,250mg)
• 9:45 AM: Prozac (40mg)
• 11:40 AM: Lunch (english muffin with peanut butter)
• 12:00 PM: Walk the pups (20 minutes)
• 2:00 PM: Gabapentin (300mg)
• 2:45 PM: Face pressure (2/10)
• 4:50 PM: Yoga (15 minutes)
• 6:10 PM: Dinner (sausage, peppers, and onion)
• 7:30 PM: Zyprexa (2.25mg)
• 9:20 PM: Gabapentin (300mg)

Realized that I forgot to take my magnesium and "genius mushrooms" so need to get back into the habit of taking them regularly.

[FireflyFyte]

I made my third cut last night so am now down to 2.14mg of Zyprexa. 

 

I haven't been great about keeping logs but have been dealing with intermittent headaches, easily exhausted while exercising (especially weights), and periods of depression. They are all manageable though the depression has been heavy at times but trying to utilize my coping skills including journaling, coloring, yoga, and reaching out to friends/family. I even brewed myself a cup of mint tea the other evening while I was coloring to try and relax.

 

I still struggle with how long my taper will take (at least two years) but am dedicated to going slow and steady and avoiding going inpatient again. I just worry that being detached from my emotions for so long will permanently change me and not in a positive way.

[FireflyFyte]

I leave for my vacation tomorrow and have to admit that my anxiety levels are starting to creep up. I am also finding my motivation (for anything beyond packing and trip planning) to be incredibly low but doing my best to get through my last workday before the trip.

 

I have packed everything I need (amber jars, 60ml syringe, 1ml syringe, coffee stirrer) to continue my taper of Olanzapine while away but part of my anxiety/monkey brain keeps asking what I will do if my luggage gets lost and/or they confiscate some of the items. Maybe I should move all of the supplies into the luggage I am bringing onto the plane with me, just in case. That might help calm the monkey brain down, at least a little.

 

I continue to handle the drops well though I don't usually feel any effect for 4-5 days so if withdrawal symptoms are going to arise they probably won't until tomorrow or Friday. Staying consistent with medication timing is going to be challenging while traveling but am going to do my best. 

[j1290]

10 minutes ago, FireflyFyte said:

luggage gets lost and/or they confiscate some of the items.

 

10 minutes ago, FireflyFyte said:

Maybe I should move all of the supplies into the luggage I am bringing onto the plane with me, just in case.

I've done some research into this because I realized how sus it looks for me to travel with a pile of meds and oral syringes and accoutrements.   Turns out, what I've read anyway, is that the TSA is lenient where meds are concerned.  I was worried about not having bottles for everything(pills in trays and whatnot) and as far as I could tell it is very unlikely to be a concern.  

 

I keep one set of pills in trays in my carry on, and spares in their bottles in my luggage, along with duplicates of syringes and whatnot.  I figure one to keep, one to lose.  If I have a backup then I know nothing will happen, but if I fly with only one bottle then I figure I'm sure to have issues.   

 

I've run out of meds lots of times over the years on vacation.  I figure better safe than sorry.   

 

[littlebird]

3 hours ago, j1290 said:

Turns out, what I've read anyway, is that the TSA is lenient where meds are concerned.  I was worried about not having bottles for everything(pills in trays and whatnot) and as far as I could tell it is very unlikely to be a concern.  

 

TSA doesn't give a hoot as a rule, but customs might be a different story.

 

3 hours ago, j1290 said:

I keep one set of pills in trays in my carry on, and spares in their bottles in my luggage, along with duplicates of syringes and whatnot.  I figure one to keep, one to lose.  If I have a backup then I know nothing will happen, but if I fly with only one bottle then I figure I'm sure to have issues.

 

Backup is a great idea!!! I think this is the way, two sets of syringes. One in carry on, one in checked. I'm sure customs sees all sorts of medication set-ups, probably won't bat an eye, but you never know.

 

I'd make sure to have your pills in your carry-on, I learned that one the hard way with lost luggage and having to pay out of pocket for replacement meds. It's also good to bring more meds than you think you'll need. Had to unexpectedly extend a trip before, and not having enough meds was an issue. 

 

it's good you're thinking about this in advance! You'll probably slide through TSA and customs, but always good to prepare.

[FireflyFyte]

Thank you for your responses, @j1290 and @littlebird, packed my medication and my supplies into my carry-on luggage and had no issues exiting or entering the country. I felt better having it on the plane with me versus in my checked bag which may, or may not, reach the same destination.

 

I did have a few drinks over the course of the vacation so won't be posting logs or commenting on symptoms for a few weeks.

 

Overall, the vacation was enjoyable but had some struggles with anxiety, self-doubt/low self-esteem, and feelings of awkwardness and isolation in social settings. I also could not feel much joy or enthusiasm in moments where it was warranted which drives me to continue my taper. I'll be on 2.14mg for another week before making my next 5% cut. I am beyond ready to feel a wider spectrum of emotions and not walk around like a shell of a human being.

[littlebird]

36 minutes ago, FireflyFyte said:

Overall, the vacation was enjoyable but had some struggles with anxiety, self-doubt/low self-esteem, and feelings of awkwardness and isolation in social settings.

 

So know this feeling! So glad you got out and enjoyed yourself, taking a trip sounds like a great idea!

 

36 minutes ago, FireflyFyte said:

I also could not feel much joy or enthusiasm in moments where it was warranted which drives me to continue my taper. I'll be on 2.14mg for another week before making my next 5% cut. I am beyond ready to feel a wider spectrum of emotions and not walk around like a shell of a human being.

 

So ready for the same. The lack of joy and enthusiasm is tough, would love to feel more too! Hoping we get there soon. So glad you enjoyed yourself and didn't have any med issues coming or going! Great news. Hope your next taper treats you all right.

[j1290]

6 hours ago, FireflyFyte said:

Overall, the vacation was enjoyable but had some struggles with anxiety, self-doubt/low self-esteem, and feelings of awkwardness and isolation in social settings. I also could not feel much joy or enthusiasm in moments where it was warranted which drives me to continue my taper. I'll be on 2.14mg for another week before making my next 5% cut. I am beyond ready to feel a wider spectrum of emotions and not walk around like a shell of a human being.

Glad to hear you had a good time!   Sounds like you really put yourself out there and left your comfort zone, and found some areas that are a challenge.  Valuable information, great emotional exercise, and inspiration to continue.  I'm reading that you moved on through the struggles and didn't let anything stop the show.  Life's not easy, and from what I can tell you rose to the occasion despite the difficulties.  

 

This looks like a W to me.  Congrats!

[FireflyFyte]

16 hours ago, littlebird said:

So know this feeling! So glad you got out and enjoyed yourself, taking a trip sounds like a great idea!

 

It was good to get out of my surroundings even if it meant dealing with some not-so-great feelings. I'll be taking another trip at the end of the month.

 

16 hours ago, littlebird said:

So ready for the same. The lack of joy and enthusiasm is tough, would love to feel more too! Hoping we get there soon.

 

Fingers crossed that we both begin to experience more sooner versus later 🤞

 

11 hours ago, j1290 said:

Glad to hear you had a good time!   Sounds like you really put yourself out there and left your comfort zone, and found some areas that are a challenge.  Valuable information, great emotional exercise, and inspiration to continue.  I'm reading that you moved on through the struggles and didn't let anything stop the show.  Life's not easy, and from what I can tell you rose to the occasion despite the difficulties.  

 

This looks like a W to me.  Congrats!

 

Thank you, J, this is a much better perspective than the one I was viewing it from so will see if I can pivot. 

[FireflyFyte]

While I know it is not recommended to drop more than one medication at a time, I am really not happy about the dose of Gabapentin that I am on and concerned about staying on it for 2+ years as I taper the Olanzapine. I would like to get down to 600mg/day (200mg 3x day) to see if I get a higher range of emotions and less of a depressive feeling.

 

Since I've only been on the Gabapentin for four months, and have been handling the Olanzapine drops well, could I try also dropping my Gabapentin down some?

[FireflyFyte]

@manymoretodays, I hope that you don't mind if I tag you but curious on your thoughts about trying to drop the Gabapentin dose down some while continuing to taper the Olanzapine/Zyprexa. I have, thankfully, been tolerating the Olanzapine drops with little to no withdrawals yet.

[manymoretodays]

Whelp. 

You are doing 5% of Zyprexa every 2 weeks then now? 

Or 10% each month total without additional holds.

Just summarizing for myself.

 

And are sick of being a blob or blobbette emotionally.  I don't think you are depressed as in the psychiatric diagnosis goes.......you are getting the expected response to your drugs now.

 

So you talked to your pdoc then on that possibility too, I think(did some back reading) and they said they would not raise you any higher.  Anyway.

 

On 2/22/2023 at 7:52 AM, FireflyFyte said:

Trying to determine if there is a pattern to a few symptoms I have been feeling (mostly headaches and increased heartrate) so am back to keeping daily logs. Here is yesterday's -

 

• 7:00 AM: Wake up but feel exhausted even though I slept 8+ hours
• 7:50 AM: Gabapentin (300mg)
• 8:30 AM: Breakfast (yogurt with granola and a coffee)
• 8:55 AM: Omega-3 (1,250mg)
• 9:45 AM: Prozac (40mg)
• 11:40 AM: Lunch (english muffin with peanut butter)
• 12:00 PM: Walk the pups (20 minutes)
• 2:00 PM: Gabapentin (300mg)
• 2:45 PM: Face pressure (2/10)
• 4:50 PM: Yoga (15 minutes)
• 6:10 PM: Dinner (sausage, peppers, and onion)
• 7:30 PM: Zyprexa (2.25mg)
• 9:20 PM: Gabapentin (300mg)

Realized that I forgot to take my magnesium and "genius mushrooms" so need to get back into the habit of taking them regularly.

 

Still not much on symptom description given above.  And no accounting for any daily activities, like work or staring at ones navel or the wall.  Or when you do engage in more active exercise.   Tease them out when you post with more symptoms-descriptively when you post them.

 

Maybe a Zyprexa hangover in the morning might explain the exhaustion.  Face pressure at a 2, likely isn't significant of much.  And you are working, keeping your home, and dogs, and taking vacations. 

 

I'd keep your nose to grindstone of Zyprexa tapering.  Maybe when you get to 1.25 mg.  You can do an additional 2 week hold and then, after further study on your part on Gabapentin, and then the tapering of that, you could switch up and work on getting that down a bit further.   I was just reading that topic and so, might as well re-link to it.

Tips for tapering off Neurotin(gabapentin)

 

And then after a pause, go with Prozac.

And then go through the round robin again.

 

Best I can do.  Unlikely your psychiatrist will rock the boat on anything anytime soon either with them firmly believing that keeping you stable on medications is the best.

And you are working, keeping your home, and dogs, and taking vacations. 

You are a successful save to them.

 

You might want to reterm the "depression" to feeling just unemotional and blah, to keep the psychiatrist from any further updoses of Prozac in the meantime.    And maybe it will help you to become more independent of what they offer overall.

 

You are doing everything right FF.......seriously you are.  Just less than 6 months out from inpatient.  I know it's hard and none of us asked for this.  Keep searching too though, for more information.  Maybe some tips from the FB group on Lyrica and Gabapentin........and look at their files, once joined into that private group??

 

I wish I could speed up your healing.  Appreciate your kind counsel of other members.  Maybe as you get further from your crash.......you'll feel more confident in making some decisions of your taper on your own more and can take on a multi- drug taper.  You need to be fully aware of what might happen and why......and prepared to make decisions on your own, and manage on your own too.  Meantime, I think stick with the Zyprexa until you get to 1.25 mg and then a HOLD, and then okay.......go to work on the gabapentin.

 

Here's to time flying I guess.......maybe Spring will help you feel more whole again.  It's hard, when under the known actions of these drugs........so hard.......and hugs.

 

Much Love, Peace, Healing, and Growth,

mmt

 

 

 

[FireflyFyte]

14 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

You are doing 5% of Zyprexa every 2 weeks then now? 

Or 10% each month total without additional holds.

Just summarizing for myself.

 

Yes, I am dropping 5% every two weeks totally 10% per month with no additional holds. My next drop will be this Sunday to 2.025mg.

 

14 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

And are sick of being a blob or blobbette emotionally.  I don't think you are depressed as in the psychiatric diagnosis goes.......you are getting the expected response to your drugs now.

 

Yes, I have next to no emotions and it is really weighing me down. I want to experience joy and happiness but they seem to be out of my reach currently 😔

 

14 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

So you talked to your pdoc then on that possibility too, I think(did some back reading) and they said they would not raise you any higher.  Anyway.

 

My psych floated the idea of raising my Prozac "if needed" but I won't be going down that avenue.

 

14 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

You are doing everything right FF.......seriously you are.  Just less than 6 months out from inpatient.  I know it's hard and none of us asked for this.  Keep searching too though, for more information.  Maybe some tips from the FB group on Lyrica and Gabapentin........and look at their files, once joined into that private group??

 

Thank you for the suggestion. I am in their Facebook group but it's mostly disaster stories of people tapering too quickly and when I asked about possibly starting to taper, they simply told me to get off of it ASAP and wouldn't take into account my Olanzapine taper so didn't find much help there. 

 

14 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

I wish I could speed up your healing.  Appreciate your kind counsel of other members.  Maybe as you get further from your crash.......you'll feel more confident in making some decisions of your taper on your own more and can take on a multi- drug taper.  You need to be fully aware of what might happen and why......and prepared to make decisions on your own, and manage on your own too.  Meantime, I think stick with the Zyprexa until you get to 1.25 mg and then a HOLD, and then okay.......go to work on the gabapentin.

 

Thank you, manymoretodays 💜 I will continue my Olanzapine taper and make a decision once I am around 1.25mg on next steps. I really don't like the thought of staying on the Gabapentin which is further dampening my emotions but such is the way when you are poly-drugged. I need to learn more patience.

[FireflyFyte]

Log from 3/10/2023 -

• 7:30 AM: Wake up. Slept 8+ hours but feel exhausted
• 7:45 AM: Gabapentin (300 mg)
• 8:15 AM: Breakfast (think! bar and a coffee) and Omega -3 (1,250mg)
• 8:45 AM: Start working but struggling to focus
• 9:45 AM: Prozac (40mg)
• 10:50 AM: Walk the pups (20 minutes)
• 11:15 AM: Genius Mushrooms (1,500mg)
• 11:50 AM: Lunch (salad) and magnesium (200mg)
• 2:30 PM: Gabapentin (300mg)
• 2:40 PM: Coffee
• 5:20 PM: Dinner (sushi) and magnesium (200mg)
• 7:00 PM: Zyprexa (2.14mg)
• 9:00 PM: Gabapentin (300mg)
• 10:00 PM: Fall asleep

Overall, agitated most of the day but not sure if it is due to withdrawal or just general stressors in life.

 

Log from 3/11/023 -

• 7:00 AM: Wake up. Slept 8+ hours and feel alert for the first time in several days
• 7:20 AM: Gabapentin (300mg)
• 7:30 AM: Breakfast (yogurt with granola and a coffee) and Omega-3 (1,250mg)
• 8:10 AM: Walk (30 minutes)
• 9:20 AM: Prozac (40mg)
• 9:30 AM: Walk (30 minutes)
• 11:00 AM: Had to put my 18+ year old cat to sleep - dealt with emotional blunting with some bouts of crying
• 12:00 PM: Lunch (sushi) and magnesium (200mg)
• 2:00 PM: Gabapentin (300mg)
• 5:00 PM: Dinner (calzone) and Genius Mushrooms (1,500mg)
• 7:00 PM: Zyprexa (2.14mg)
• 9:00 PM: Gabapentin (300mg)
• 10:00 PM: Fell asleep after reading 

It was a very up and down day as I had to put my 18+ year old cat to sleep after she was struggling to walk and use the bathroom after a slow decline. Dealt with some emotional blunting at the vet hospital but was grateful to be able to cry some and mourn her. Afterwards, made a two hour drive to get my new kitten so had a lot of time to be in my own head which was not ideal. I was also, again, easily agitated. 

 

I have a lot that I want to write but feel it might be better processed tomorrow morning in therapy.

 

 

 

 

[Addax]

On 3/10/2023 at 8:53 AM, FireflyFyte said:

Yes, I have next to no emotions and it is really weighing me down. I want to experience joy and happiness but they seem to be out of my reach currently 😔

I think this is one of the most difficult experiences during withdrawal. When I experienced it I found it so hard to describe… 

 

11 minutes ago, FireflyFyte said:

It was a very up and down day as I had to put my 18+ year old cat to sleep after she was struggling to walk and use the bathroom after a slow decline. Dealt with some emotional blunting at the vet hospital but was grateful to be able to cry some and mourn her. Afterwards, made a two hour drive to get my new kitten so had a lot of time to be in my own head which was not ideal. I was also, again, easily agitated. 

I am so very sorry for your loss. Being compassionate can be so sad and painful.  I hope this doesn’t sound odd… but I am glad for you that the tears came.  When the range of emotions becomes limited during withdrawal, crying doesn’t always come easily, if at all - When I was able to cry during periods when I otherwise felt emotionless, it was accompanied by something like relief - I felt it when I read you were grateful you were able to cry.  

I hope processing in therapy brings you to a place of some comfort and calmness.  

 

 

 

 

[littlebird]

59 minutes ago, FireflyFyte said:

• 7:30 AM: Wake up. Slept 8+ hours but feel exhausted
• 7:45 AM: Gabapentin (300 mg)

 

When I was on this dosage, I was also waking up exhausted. It seemed to have been affecting my respiration: when I started taking a lower dose I was waking up with more energy. I was taking 200mg for a little while (before I found this site, was trying different dosages) I took the 300mg to help with pain, and woke up almost gasping for air. 

 

When I stopped taking it at bedtime (and when I lowered my dosage), I woke up with more energy. Also, the deep dark circles under my eyes lightened so much that people commented on it. Just a thought, in case you're being affected the same way!

[FireflyFyte]

1 hour ago, Addax said:

I hope this doesn’t sound odd… but I am glad for you that the tears came.  When the range of emotions becomes limited during withdrawal, crying doesn’t always come easily, if at all - When I was able to cry during periods when I otherwise felt emotionless, it was accompanied by something like relief - I felt it when I read you were grateful you were able to cry.  

 

It's not odd at all, I am incredibly grateful that I was able to cry. I had my cat for over 16 years and she deserved tears even if my medication and/or withdrawals are numbing them to a degree. I am glad that my emotions were able to overcome my medication.

 

1 hour ago, Addax said:

I hope processing in therapy brings you to a place of some comfort and calmness.  

 

Thank you 💜 I hope so too.

[FireflyFyte]

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

When I was on this dosage, I was also waking up exhausted. It seemed to have been affecting my respiration: when I started taking a lower dose I was waking up with more energy. I was taking 200mg for a little while (before I found this site, was trying different dosages) I took the 300mg to help with pain, and woke up almost gasping for air. 

 

When I stopped taking it at bedtime (and when I lowered my dosage), I woke up with more energy. Also, the deep dark circles under my eyes lightened so much that people commented on it. Just a thought, in case you're being affected the same way!

 

I am in the midst of tapering off of Zyprexa and @manymoretodays has recommended against tapering more than one medication at the moment so am going to continue with that taper down to around 1.25mg and then decide if I want to hold and taper down the Gabapentin to a degree.

[littlebird]

Oh, for sure! Gotta do one at a time. Wonder if taking it a bit more spaced out from sleep might help? Hope you wake up feeling rested soon.

 

2 hours ago, FireflyFyte said:

Had to put my 18+ year old cat to sleep - dealt with emotional blunting with some bouts of crying

 

OMG, I missed this on first read. I am so, so sorry to hear this - one of the hardest things in the world. Sending so much love your way.

[j1290]

@FireflyFyte I can't imagine what you're going through right now.  It must be so hard to lose such a good friend.  I'm very sorry for your loss.  

[Thorin]

6 hours ago, FireflyFyte said:

was a very up and down day as I had to put my 18+ year old cat to sleep after she was struggling to walk and use the bathroom after a slow decline. Dealt with some emotional blunting at the vet hospital but was grateful to be able to cry some and mourn her.

Hi FfF,

so sorry for the loss of your companion. It’s so hard to lose them. I’m glad you were able to grieve a little.

[FireflyFyte]

16 hours ago, littlebird said:

OMG, I missed this on first read. I am so, so sorry to hear this - one of the hardest things in the world. Sending so much love your way.

 

Thank you 💜

 

12 hours ago, j1290 said:

I can't imagine what you're going through right now.  It must be so hard to lose such a good friend.  I'm very sorry for your loss. 

 

Thank you, J. I am feeling mostly numb at the moment which might be a combination of my medication, withdrawal, and coping mechanism. I really hope that I can better process it once I get lower on my medication.

 

12 hours ago, Thorin said:

Hi FfF,

so sorry for the loss of your companion. It’s so hard to lose them. I’m glad you were able to grieve a little.

 

Thank you, Thorin. She was my first personal pet so it's weird to not have her around. 

[FireflyFyte]

I think I am having a difficult time opening up in therapy. I have an inkling that it's a fun combination of my medication, withdrawals, and childhood trauma but the last two sessions have felt like they were filled with a lot of silence where my therapist was waiting for me to say more but I couldn't think of a single thing to say. I may need to talk to her about needing more guidance in our sessions but I know that she wants to leave space for me as well.

 

I didn't keep a great log yesterday as I was running around viewing houses, caring for the new kitten, and dealing with the fact that my dog is having a flare up of her spinal condition but am back to it today so should have something to share in a day or two.

 

Made another drop last night so am currently at 2.025mg of the Zyprexa. I look forward to being under 2mg and even more excited once I get in the 1.25mg range where, hopefully, more of my emotions will begin to leak through. That is, if the Gabapentin doesn't continue to suffocate them as well.

[Thorin]

On 3/14/2023 at 1:12 AM, FireflyFyte said:

Thank you, Thorin. She was my first personal pet so it's weird to not have her around. 

It’ll probably be weird for a while FfF

[FireflyFyte]

I haven't been great at my logs but am trying to be better about it today and hopefully going forward.

 

Yesterday, dealt with a few instances of tinnitus but they passed quickly. I'll try to jot it down when it happens going forward to see if there is any pattern to when/how it happens.

 

I have also been simply exhausted the last few days - psychically, mentally, and emotionally. I have a feeling that the withdrawal is playing a part but think the stress of losing one of my cats and the upset of having a new kitten in the house is compounding my current state. I had a friend ask if I was doing anything to care for myself and had to admit that I wasn't so tonight might try to carve out some time for coloring and/or meditation. I might also grab dinner with my Mom and spare myself from cooking this evening as well.

[Embi]

Hi FireflyFyte, I hope that you took that time yesterday to colour or meditate. If not, please take this as a reminder to do something to take care of yourself today 💜