Apathy, anhedonia, emotional numbness, emotional anesthesia

[Nic123]

2 hours ago, fkphamah0es said:

Hey all, I don't want to say this but it's just the truth, I took remeron 9 years ago for 6 months, 15 mg, and I still got all the symtoms.

 

It's like I was removed from that planet.

 

When I first started remeron I feel emotions I never felt before, and I was highly motivated,  it then made me very manic with DP then one day while still taking remeron, I noticed how numb and blank I got, apathic but still was energetic.

 

I stopped taking remeron in 1 week, after that few days later I woke up and noticed that something was missing, the core of my psyche, personality, my soul, everything, I looked at my old pictures and had zero emotional connection with them.

 

After that it was a long process till like I became a disabled existance. I wake up everyday it does't feel like I had some sleep, its same if i sleep i walk i have sex i get money its pure monotonic suffereing, I dont feel nothing I dont feel inside my body i dont feel orgasm, the also slowly I begun getting that motoric problems, I dont feel complete like before anf my spontanity is gone.

 

The worst symptom is not only the blank mind, I lost my inner monologue, my inner spiritual voice I had my whole life before, there is only silence and deadness 24/7 since I stopped.

 

This  BS not only cased massive chemical imbalance with serotonin anf dopamin, but clearly has damaged the frontal lobe, I got all symptoms of a frontal lobe damage / lobotomy.

 

There are: apathy, cogitive problems, no feelings and emotions and more, my smell and taste is also not only massively reduced, there is zero emotion with it.

 

No matter what I do there is ZERO reward feeling (no dopamine), I see friends no serotonin firing, both systems are disabled, serotonin and dopamin and others too I guees like endorphine as it is connected with dopamin. I got no drive to do anything its just monotonic.

 

I also got that visual change, like my eyes litarally doenst observe reality, I also lost all affects, where u get angry or happy.

 

I got eyes open and there is nothing inside of me to observe it on any level, I close my eyes there is only dark and silence, this is unchanged all the years.

 

I won 82000€ and wasnt able to feel anything about it, my grandpa and grandma died I cried but felt zero, I walk the street and its like im eyes only.

 

I dont know what to say to someone like I knew all my life before and I dont know most of time what todo

 

I take l-tyrosine to hopefully activate the dopamin system again one day. I forgot how it is to feel something, this is serotonin, but also if dopamine doesnt work - disabled.

 

I'm alone and dont have contact with friends, dont want to see my parents, there was 2 possible woman for the future, but I did not feel love. I dont want to meet new people, I only get paranoid around them as my mind is blank and I cant feel them around me.

 

I never seen a heroin addict with such damage and I seen alot of them in my life.

 

So what I,m sure this **** did, overstimulated neurons in the frontal lobe till they died + disabled the serotonin and dopamin system, the result is: brain damage, no1 can know how long it can take to heal, its diffent for everyone, I shared my story.

 

I remember crying like crazy about that I  how I lost my soul, about how I cant love anymore, it also traumatized me.

 

Put togheter the trauma, stress, depression it caused also, it for sure contribute that the DP last so for so long..

 

Please don't give up, as you see I suffer too, for so long, but there is STILL SOMETHING that keeps me away from ending it all! Try to belive in god, hope is always good, if nothing else is left, not even hope in yourself, try and belive in god, but please dont give up. I send best wishes, hugs, kisses and hope to all of you.

 

Sorry for my english, I'm from germany.

9 years…. That genuinely makes me feel hopeless as I experience all of that… might as well end it soon. What I’m trying to figure out is what part of this is depression? I think we would find every expert on mental health in the world would say you have severe severe depression as do I. But where is that line? You can say you have brain damage as it does feel like it but have you had tests done to show it’s brain damage?  For me the quiet mind did happen while taking the ssri but I was so happy I didn’t have racing thoughts. But it just stayed that way

[Alenah]

@fkphamah0es have you seen minimal improvements?! Any at all?! 

[Alenah]

@Jnthnslo yes, your right my anhedonia and blankness came on slowly as well. It is a very dark place and very hard to explain to your family. I do things like that to feel something. My depersonalization and derealization has improved greatly. My memory has improved as well as my brain fog but still pretty bad especially when stressed. My blankness has gotten better as well but I feel it more times then others depending on my sleep and what time of day. That’s what I have heard that if you have seen improvements you will keep improving which I hope I do. I grieve for the person I used to be. I am 22 and hopefully I can have Relationship one day and get married.

[fkphamah0es]

About the feelings, they never came back, not only once in that time, emotions sometimes, 5% that I normally had before, even if I can laugh, it's like i'm not connected to it on any level, when I speak it's like not having thoughts in my head, its robotic, everything is just like robotic, i noticed it when I typed on my keyboard after taking this bs, I simpy wasnt connected to it on any level, like the connections to my soul (frontal lobe) are gone, thats why i'm so aphatic, there are times when I function, but no matter what I do, it doesnt feel like any real life expirience, there is no core inside of me to observe anything on any level.

 

I had MRT scan from the brain and it look normal, but it cant show the damaged nerve cells only the brain itself, for me, its a chemical lobotomy, there is not other explaination for that, i talked to many people suffering same

 

Chemical lobotomy is nothing new, thats what basically all neuroleptics do too..blocking the dopamin pathway to the frontal lobe..

 

I had severe depression many times in my live, that level of apathy and anhedonia is not compared to this, this is not feeling empty, there is no feeling to feel empty.. and when I was depressed, there always been times where I could enjoy something, this is like a complete and total removal everything I was. Like a plan you put out of earth with its roots.

 

And how can someone NOT be depressed, after beeing raped like that, traumatized, just for beliving and trusted his doctor (dealer from the pharmaindustry) to take this poisen, all that years passed like I was not a part of it. Man they destroyed my life, my humanity, the could have ask me for the money I paid for that **** I would give it to them.

 

All my dreams and everything was replaced with nothingness.

 

 

Emotion is what motivates you, feeling of reward is what keeps you going, its a complex machanism, feelings and emotions are needed for you to learn and decide and now I dont even have my inner monologue that helped me also with decisions, you try something, you dont feel good about that, so you stop it, you try something , you feel good about it, you start to love it, you start thinking in deep about the thing you started to love, you think what you can make better, to get a better reward feeling, it becames a part of your life and so on..

 

Now, i cant look forward, there is no emotion, motivation and no reward

 

 

I would be sooo happy to atleast have my talking mind again!!!!

 

 

 

Here is what I found about someone else:

 

I am present and have been for the past 6 years suffering with adverse effects from mirtazapine. My story is a long, awful, heartbreaking story which has left me and my family devastated. I have been destroyed by this drug.

 

I am looking for people who have suffered adverse reactions, problems, severe withdrawals or any other issues related to this drug. I don't want to hear anybody banging on about how this drug saved their life because I have read too many bad stories which outweigh and if the good - believe me, I have done enough research into how these drugs work and what they do. I now suffer from brain damage because of this drug and am interested to hear from others who have had bad experiences in order to do something about it.

[LHRG]

@fkphamah0esThat's a bit of depressing post, but thank you very much for it. It is of crucial importance that people living such a horrible experience to speak out and make it visible for all of us, even if it is painful. Your experience certainly echoes what we can read on other forums about post-SSRI anhedonia. I think that on this particular forum, there's a general consensus that "everything heals", which I like to believe, but it is also important to consider that sometimes, time is not the healer. This is why we need to gather around to understand precisely what the drugs did to us, in order to find some (other) way to heal.

 

Frontal lobe damage is certainly a possibility, and the symptoms are eerily similar.

Have you tried some supplements, other drugs, or such ? That may be a controversial take here, but psilocybin is kind of the hot thing in anhedonia-treatment, even though it is not widely approved yet (it just got approved in Canada). Early research has shown that it can physically repair neural connections, and that it could even be effective for brain injuries. Once again, beware of the hype, but it could be promising for us in the case of some sort of actual brain damage.

[julesb]

this is basically all of the symptoms of depersonalization , really don’t believe it’s brain damage 

[gardenlady]

12 hours ago, fkphamah0es said:

I stopped taking remeron in 1 week, after that few days later I woke up and noticed that something was missing, the core of my psyche, personality, my soul, everything, I looked at my old pictures and had zero emotional connection with them.

 

I'm alone and dont have contact with friends. I don't want to meet new people, I only get paranoid around them as my mind is blank and I cant feel them around me.

 

I remember crying like crazy about how I lost my soul, about how I can't love anymore, it also traumatized me.

I have been experiencing the exact same thing for over three years.  It started during my 4.5 year Cymbalta taper and has continued for the 4 months since completing it.  The drug destroyed my psyche, personality and soul and I have lost all sense of connection, affection for and interest in lifelong friends and relatives.  I have no husband nor children. There is no remnant of the person I used to be....my tastes, preferences, style, etc...it's all gone.  I'm completely blank and detached from my former person.  I do have feelings, but they are all negative since I have lost the capacity for anything positive.   It definitely resembles the description of a chemical lobotomy.  Each day is an exercise to survive and nothing more.  Nothing to look forward to and no capacity for enjoyment, joy or pleasure in anyone or anything.  I am a recluse with no contact with anyone.  Very frightening at 69 years of age.  I never in all my life experienced anything like this prior to taking these neurotoxic poisons.

[BelaLugosi]

@fkphamah0es excuse me, how old are you?

[fkphamah0es]

1 minute ago, BelaLugosi said:

@fkphamah0es excuse me, how old are you?

33

[Alenah]

@fkphamah0es Do you have concept of time? Like are you connected to the days of the week or months?

[fkphamah0es]

4 minutes ago, Alenah said:

@fkphamah0es Do you have concept of time? Like are you connected to the days of the week or months?

No sadly not

[Alenah]

@fkphamah0es same here and I only took Zoloft once.... it has improved though but not where it should be. Hopefully it keeps improving

[JesusSavemefromWD]

2 minutes ago, Alenah said:

@fkphamah0es same here and I only took Zoloft once.... it has improved though but not where it should be. Hopefully it keeps improving

Only one pill huh? Zoloft is what poisoned me as well , took for few weeks, I have seen some minor improvements but nothing to give me any quality of life. I think you will heal if u only took one pill and it’s not that long ago and you are already seeing improvements. I believe you ll be ok in less than a year. I wish I had stopped on the first pill but I was reassured from the doctor these are just start up side effects and will go away soon … the usual BS docs say 

[Alenah]

@JesusSavemefromWD Yup... one dose. I have seen improvements which is good but sometimes I feel like my brain won't go back to the way it was before. I can only hope with time and with each month that passes I see more and more improvements hopefully. I have read your story and I pray for you everyday. 

[Avicii]

Reading all of your stories gives me panic…I took Zoloft for 4 months and quit CT. Its now 1 year ago and I cant feel anything….I am never nervous, happy, euphoric, angry. Just nothing. I dont want to see my parents or my friends either. I dont want to do sports or training which was my life! My nervous system has just fallen apart and this gives me severe PSSD aswell. Its like I cant think straight…like there’s a block in my brain. I cant believe that this has happened to us, so unfair 😔

 

I would really want to meat a new partner but that is of course something that will never be possible again. I’am 39 years old and doomed to live by my self for the rest of my life. Obviously I’m supposed to live like a robot the rest of my life….

[JesusSavemefromWD]

5 minutes ago, Alenah said:

@JesusSavemefromWD Yup... one dose. I have seen improvements which is good but sometimes I feel like my brain won't go back to the way it was before. I can only hope with time and with each month that passes I see more and more improvements hopefully. I have read your story and I pray for you everyday. 

Thank you ….. wishing you peace and healing 

[Alenah]

@Avicii Do you experience Depersonalization and derealization? Did the emotional numbness start while you were taking the drug? Do you have concept of time such as days and months? I have PSSD to and the longer I got away from the one dose I took the worse it got. 

[Jnthnslo]

I'm similar where I only tool 4 pills of Pristiq. Nothing happened to me while I was on it but stopping it brought on all the anhedonia, head pressure, and depersonalization within a week. It some ways it feels like the pill itself did not cause brain damage per say but very quickly got use to the medicine and was shocked my not having it.

 

Initially I had almost no emotions but slowly starting to develop some anxiety again. I'm hoping that means other emotions can return but I know some people only end up regaining negative ones.

 

It seems to me like we should collectively reach out to someone in the medical community. It sucks being told that you have depression over and over again & not being believed but it is hard to deny when so many of us are experiencing exactly the same issues from antidepressants. We need to get more people to understand how serious and debilitating this is.

[Avicii]

42 minutes ago, Alenah said:

@Avicii Do you experience Depersonalization and derealization? Did the emotional numbness start while you were taking the drug? Do you have concept of time such as days and months? I have PSSD to and the longer I got away from the one dose I took the worse it got. 

 The DP/DR has gotten better, but i dont feel totally connected to anyone, not even my kids….

 

while on the poison I felt very active and alert. The only thing I felt that was negative was a superactive nervous system and that my sexuell skills were affected (but not that much). When I quit CT it took about 2 months and then my nervous system Went completely broke. I remember it like the whole body got electric, just like the CSN had enough. That same day my genitals started to hurt and then the misery began. I have now had numb and soft penis for 10 months and its a lot shorter and thinner. Like someone has replaced my penis with a rubber penis in my sleep 🙄🤷‍♂️ It doesnt hurt as much anymore and I have seen cognitive improvements. I also dont have brain fog anymore, its more like I have a brain that is very tired. I am not tired, but the brain is….

 

one dose, that is just sick and evidence that the drugs should be banned! Before all this I had an active dating life, I was competing in sports and having fun in the weekends. Now I cant even drink coffee….

[Avicii]

20 minutes ago, Jnthnslo said:

I'm similar where I only tool 4 pills of Pristiq. Nothing happened to me while I was on it but stopping it brought on all the anhedonia, head pressure, and depersonalization within a week. It some ways it feels like the pill itself did not cause brain damage per say but very quickly got use to the medicine and was shocked my not having it.

 

Initially I had almost no emotions but slowly starting to develop some anxiety again. I'm hoping that means other emotions can return but I know some people only end up regaining negative ones.

 

It seems to me like we should collectively reach out to someone in the medical community. It sucks being told that you have depression over and over again & not being believed but it is hard to deny when so many of us are experiencing exactly the same issues from antidepressants. We need to get more people to understand how serious and debilitating this is.

I wonder how they would be able to explain my genital pain with depression….This has absolutely nothing to do with depression. Something has changed in our brains and only good knows if its gonna be normal again.

[Jnthnslo]

@Aviciii know what you mean. Not too long ago I was in the emergency room explaining everything going on with me. I told them that my sexual function had completely stopped, nothing worked and they come back and tell me still it is depression. It is so frustrating that they have zero clue what is happening to us or even believe us.  Since then my sexual function has come back as in things are working again but it's not normal.

 

I think you are seeing some good signs of some type of recovery. Improvements of any type are signs that some type of positive change is happening. I know recovery stories are very person dependent but a lot of people seem to get cognitive improvements and the anhenodia last to get better. It is so so hard to be postive, especially with a lot of the personal accounts we are hearing, but I do think it contributes to getting better. Personally when Im stressed about it my anhedonia becomes almost 100 percent.

[JesusSavemefromWD]

It amazes me how clueless and stupid most doctors are regarding WD and adverse reactions in psychotic drugs. My 9 years old boy was able to figure out it was the Zoloft causing all these to me while doctors were saying my mental illnesses progressed … what mental illness? I only had chest tightness before I took Zoloft. So my 9 years old overheard me talking to a doctor via zoom and he said “ you had non of these before u took that drug, isn’t it obvious it’s the drug that caused all these?” 
If every doctor just examined what symptoms had a patient before drugs and what shortly after they took the drug it wouldn’t be difficult to see what happened. 
At this point I don’t care if doctors believe me or not. What is devastating for me is that even if you find a doctor who believes you (like Dr Shipko who I personally have spoken and he told me ADs are just poisons for your , you can’t tolerate them) there is nothing they can do to help you. We all have two choices: wait for time to heal us (how long? 15 months feel like too much already to me) or go back to a lower dose of the same poisons that hurt you and hope u suffer less at lower doses. You can’t predict which choice is going to work, if it will work, when it will work …. Pure hell in earth … no other way to describe it…. People loose their life on accidents, diseases, during surgeries, from covid, from normal aging…. I lost my life on Zoloft …. I know I am still alive since I can breath but that’s all I can do, breath, sleep, eat , shower, use my cellphone during the endless hours I spend in bed every day.  I try to maintain hope of healing because I have seen some minor symptoms and I am aware of brain”s amazing neuroplasticity…. Just wish it was happening faster and it was certain it will be good enough to repair the damage all the way ….

[Avicii]

1 hour ago, Jnthnslo said:

@Aviciii know what you mean. Not too long ago I was in the emergency room explaining everything going on with me. I told them that my sexual function had completely stopped, nothing worked and they come back and tell me still it is depression. It is so frustrating that they have zero clue what is happening to us or even believe us.  Since then my sexual function has come back as in things are working again but it's not normal.

 

I think you are seeing some good signs of some type of recovery. Improvements of any type are signs that some type of positive change is happening. I know recovery stories are very person dependent but a lot of people seem to get cognitive improvements and the anhenodia last to get better. It is so so hard to be postive, especially with a lot of the personal accounts we are hearing, but I do think it contributes to getting better. Personally when Im stressed about it my anhedonia becomes almost 100 percent.

 Good to hear that things are working, that means healing is happening!

 

The doctors in Sweden are so bad at their professionals. We have something called general practitioner (Google translate) and they know nothing about nothing. Even if they know nothing they say that they know that SSRI can’t cause damage. It’s just unbelievable that this **** doctors are allowed to prescribe antidepressants. That seems to be the only thing they can because 1/10 och the swedish population is eating som kind of SSRI, that is sick and proves that the ”doctors” are lazy and stupid. They dont want to help you, just get rid of you.

 

I was sent to an urologist (by the idiot pracitioner) and he simply said.

”sorry I cant help you, I am just I urologist. If you mess up the head thats gonna affect your sexuality”

 

He believed me but there was nothing he could do…

 

The fact that I have seen improvements is the only thing keeping me alive….

[JesusSavemefromWD]

It’s easy for docs to claim ADs are safe cause they are not them taking these poisons. I wish I could force down their throat Zoloft and have them CT and then again …. Excuse my anger but I think it’s justified taking into account how many times I asked doctors how safe these drugs are and never ever a single warning was given to me about potential long term severe side effects. I wouldn’t have touched these poisons if I was even told there is 1% change of severe side effects. In fact I was discouraged to read the side effects in leaflet to avoid scaring myself off for no reason. I was so stupid to listen to this advice ….

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

8 hours ago, JesusSavemefromWD said:

I wish I could force down their throat Zoloft and have them CT and then again …. Excuse my anger but I think it’s justified taking into account how many times I asked doctors how safe these drugs are and never ever a single warning was given to me about potential long term severe side effects

I feel awful for saying this but I've had the same thought.

[JesusSavemefromWD]

18 minutes ago, ThatOneGirlStitch said:

I feel awful for saying this but I've had the same thought.

I don’t feel awful at all …. These docs are out there living their life while you and I suffer in a room …. How are u today?

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

1 hour ago, JesusSavemefromWD said:

I don’t feel awful at all …. These docs are out there living their life while you and I suffer in a room …. How are u today?

It's rougher than usual lately, I hope I can get passed it. I'm hanging in there as long as I can.

[JesusSavemefromWD]

8 minutes ago, ThatOneGirlStitch said:

It's rougher than usual lately, I hope I can get passed it. I'm hanging in there as long as I can.

Every time things get really bad for me and my symptoms ramp up I think “ just be patient smg is being fixed and it hurts before the process is over, kind of like putting a broken/mislocated shoulder back in its place …. It ll hurt like hell but once back the pain will faint away “. Those doctors should me ashamed for what they have done to us….

[Nic123]

are you guys having trouble with "Emotional intelligence" not sure if its the right word or not but i cant even feel gratitude at all anymore. If i thank someone it feels more like an automatic response more than anything.

[fkphamah0es]

8 hours ago, Nic123 said:

are you guys having trouble with "Emotional intelligence" not sure if its the right word or not but i cant even feel gratitude at all anymore. If i thank someone it feels more like an automatic response more than anything.

Yes, with everything I say, there is no emotional connection, just robotic.

[BrokenWings]

  I am approaching 48 months since I stopped taking Zoloft and I am still suffering with Anhedonia. I have had some emotions return but they are still severely blunted. I have no drive, motivation, or passion, and am unable to make plans. Living life like this is cruel and inhumane.

 

  I am furious that doctors are either ignorant to or complicit with the actions of the pharmaceutical companies. I sympathize with everyone here suffering and pray for all of us to be free from this nightmare.

[kostakonkordia]

@BrokenWings @fkphamah0es @Nic123@Jnthnslo @Alenah

The following might be very interesting and helpful for you, please read to the end!!!:

 

An article about gut dysbiosis and anhedonia:

https://www.nature.com/articles/s41380-021-01032-1

Search for the keyword anhedonia! 

There are also people who have successfully treated dp/dr by fixing their gut problems... Just google dysbiosis and depersonalisation/derealisazion.

Here an example:

 https://www.dpselfhelp.com/threads/improved-by-solving-gut-issues-dysbiosis-derealization-connection.91468/

 

I'm not advicing any mirical cure, or fast solution. This is still a theory but with strong correlations. 5HT receptors need a few months to maximum 14 months to regenerate. I don't know about the other receptors but I assume they need similar time. 

So it makes no sense to me that some people in here are still having anhedonia 48 months in. 

I know alot of people have strong resistance against this theory and to be honest I don't know why. It's like alot of them even don't want to take it in concideration. It is up to you if you want to give it a try I cannot push anyone into, even if I would like to do so. I feel obligated to spread this information because I want to help you. 

So if you consider this option/idea i'm presenting you I would advise you to make a stool test and make a full microbiom screening. It's best to consult a GI(Gastroenterologie) on this topic as they know best(maybe also a naturopath). 

I would also highly suggest you to read the original reddit posts about this theory and follow his findings. 

The last thing I have to say. Don't trust you're doctor everything(even the Gastroenterologie and naturopath), do you're own research before you introduce any medicational measure in youre life. Doctors often don't know what they are doing. Keep in mind that this theory/this connections were found by nonexperts in the pssd community. 

I hope you give it a try

I wish you all the best. 

Greetings 

Kosta

 

Edit1: I'm not shure if this treatment could work for people still on drugs but in a paper they discussed preventing psych drug side effects by giving probiotics so this may work. 

 

Edit2:

Also you're problems could result from other issues like hormonal dysbalance etc. They are likely linked to the gut but maybe not, I'm not shure on that, I will look deeper into this. 

 

Edit3: 

Here are the two posts about the microbiom theory. 

 

His first post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/PSSD/comments/q03uci/gut_microbiota_theory_how_i_finally_cured_my_pssd/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

 

 

His second post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/PSSD/comments/ryj0yo/gut_microbiota_theory_pt_2_pssd_is_an_autoimmune/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

 

 

 

Edited January 13, 2022 by kostakonkordia
All disease begins in the gut -hippocrates.

[BrokenWings]

@kostakonkordiaThank you for the information. I have already seen a functional doctor who did identify I had leaky gut. This was at the time I stopped taking Zoloft. He took a food sensitivity test to determine which foods I could safely eat and which foods to avoid. With his guidance I have changed my diet which was poor and I have followed it since then. He also told me that the drugs I was taking and alcohol abuse were major contributors to having a leaky gut.

 

It can take sometime to repair a leaky gut and perhaps I still am healing in that department as well. I agree that the gut plays a major role with brain function. However, I also believe I am still recovering from brain damage from Zoloft, Klonopin, and Alcohol abuse.

 

 

 

 

[kostakonkordia]

@BrokenWings

That's good. But treating leaky gut is useless if you have dysbiosis... You have to treat dysbiosis first, and then leaky gut. Because dysbiosis is one major cause for leaky gut. 

Even the worst heroin addicts recover faster. So the brain damage theory doesn't really makes sense... Why should rezeptors recover in that manner? Brain damaged people recover linearly if I recall correctly. Also waves and windows are well known symptoms with dysbiosis/leaky gut/cfs etc patients. 

Bad bacteria manipulate the endothelia(gut cells) and prevent the gut to get in homeostasis... 

Are you still consuming drug and alcohol? 

Edited January 13, 2022 by kostakonkordia

[BrokenWings]

@kostakonkordia Thank you for the information and guidance. No, I stopped all drugs at the start of my journey nearly 48 months ago.

[Alenah]

@kostakonkordia Thank you. Much appreciated.