success ☼ Alex Withdrawal or Relapse?

[WinningThrough]

Third day of clear window;broken sleep, but been able to go back to sleep.

Strong stressors don't trigger awful dysphoria anymore.Much more resilient.Amazing feeling...

 

It gets definetly better.

In a vey crazy way though.

 

Hang in there good and brave people.

If this was Facebook, I'd click Like!

[mlrp]

Alex, you ROCK! I'm going to keep walking with you. Wishing you peace and joy!

[alex]

Fifth day of low symptoms and clearest window today...

Persistent symptoms:Insomnia and PSSD

[Nikki]

Glad to hear that Alex.....

 

How do you get thru the depressive episodes?  I am in one coupled with insomnia.  Not good.

 

Hugs

[alex]

.

 

How do you get thru the depressive episodes?

 

 

 

I really don't know Nikki...in early w/d I just kept walking despite the horrible suicidal feelings.I've been close to death more than one time in this terrible process, and that is not easy to say...

Almost 23 months off, I have better days, and some of them are pretty good.

I didn't know I was so strong, really.

And another thing that helped, besides the support and wisdom of this forum, is the fact I suffered a VERY severe major depression episode, and that in some way prepared me to deal with this situation.

Right now I am in the classic roller-coaster, but not as bad as lets say 1 year ago.

Effexor seems to be one of the toughest AD to w/d from

 

Hugs to you too.

[alex]

It's not 23 months off;it's almost 25.

[alex]

Quite a good day;very very low symptoms.

Better nights.

At 25 months off, the light at the end of the tunnel, is getting more and more clear.

 

It DOES get better.

[andy]

well done alex your patience and strength has paid off ! 

[Petunia]

Its good to hear you are feeling better and more hopeful again Alex.  There is always light at the end of tunnels, but sometimes we are at a place where we can't see it.

[alex]

At 25 months off, I'm in the waves and windows pattern...

I am in a wave right now;tiredness,anxiety,(not as bad) DP, and this weird obsession with death....who died, how, when, at what age; anybody can relate to this? suicide thougths still here, but not as strong.At least I can talk about it now, w/o triggering a panic, dysphoria attack....

 

Beautiful legacy from these drugs;and Marihuana is ilegal...HA!!!

 

Hanging on in the hope it will get better.

[andy]

Just keep chipping away Alex and it will get better

[alex]

Awful wave;fear,dysphoria,dark thoughts...

Am I gonna be able to endure this???

I am so sick, and tired...

[Petunia]

Me too Alex, I'm in another one.  Hang in there and I will too.

((hugs))

[alex]

I am loosing the battle, I'm afraid.

I have no job, no money,my sleep is destroyed, and it is getting much worse...my sexual life is gone...

I don't want to live like this anymore; what is the point for more suffering??

I think about death now every minute of my miserable life.

If I could only sleep, but I can't.

I don't want to go on.

I'm sorry.

[mlrp]

Dear, dear Alex! I will tell you what you have said to many others here, and the words have helped me through: keep walking! It appears to me that there are very distinct differences between your windows and waves. Your windows sound so wonderful - full of hope and rediscovered joy. And the waves are correspondingly deep, with great suffering. You are an artist and plumbing these depths may be part of your artist's soul. I hope this doesn't sound trite or philosophical given the suffering you currently endure - but you strike me as one of the strongest spirits on these boards. You continue to inspire me and so many others. 

 

Keep walking. One foot in front of the other. The dark thoughts will pass. Sleep will come. You can do it. <<<hug>>> You ARE strong, and courageous!

[Petunia]

You are winning the battle Alex, this is a temporary wave and will pass.  You are recovering, read back through your thread and see how much progress you have made.   I know how hopeless it feels when you are in a wave, but remember that its going to pass, so keep walking.  One more day and then another....... you are walking towards another window.

 

Here are your own words from a week ago:

 

Quite a good day;very very low symptoms.

Better nights.

At 25 months off, the light at the end of the tunnel, is getting more and more clear.

 

It DOES get better.

 

(((((hugs)))))

[alex]

Thank you my dear good friends; "plumbing these depths" yes, that is correct, I'm afraid I am a very intense person...good in some ways, but bad in others.

I got quite a good rest last night, and today I'm doing better.

Thank you for your help and support, despite your own suffering.

 

Hugs,A.

[alex]

Right now I'm feeling ashamed for letting the dark thoughts dominated me.

I am sorry.

[mlrp]

Don't feel ashamed, Alex! I, for one, am honored that you feel safe enough here to trust us with your struggles. You help so many people here! And even though I wish you didn't have to suffer at all, it makes me feel good to be able to return the favor. Courage! And wishing you another window soon. 

[alex]

One week of clear window...as simple as that.

 

Hang in there everybody; it gets better.

[Zenwind]

Hi Alex, I have a long history of AD and last acute WD was about 10 days ago (after 45days of quitting effexor in a cold turkey way) .  My body was shaking and I was in bed all day with terrible depressive thoughts in my mind. After that, I finally found this forum and realized that was WD syndrome.  I was already taking 70 mg of effexor and people suggested me to go down to 37.5 mg.  Then I am planning to taper very slowly.  My question to you is why you didn't go back to take a small dose of effexor to make you feel better and manage the dose to slowly taper?  Were you advised not to do that?  

 

I am still very new here and learning.

All my best

[alex]

Hi Zenwind;because when I found this forum I was already 4 months off, too long to reinstate.

But after 25 long months of struggling, things are getting much better, despite difficult personal issues.

[Meimeiquest]

Thank you my dear good friends; "plumbing these depths" yes, that is correct, I'm afraid I am a very intense person...good in some ways, but bad in others.

I got quite a good rest last night, and today I'm doing better.

Thank you for your help and support, despite your own suffering.

 

Hugs,A.

Alex, I think many, if not most, artists of various kinds are like that. It's a gift, not always an easy gift, but a gift.

[Zenwind]

Alex, thank you for your answer to my question.  I asked you the question because even though I am so relieved to find the cause of all of my physical problems and I plan to taper, at the same time, I am afraid of dealing with WDS and possibly the relapse of depression like you have been going through.  

 

It is so nice to hear you stating that you are much better after 25 months.  That encouraged me and I want to say that I can also cope with the waves to obtain a much happier life.   Keep in touch and when I cry, lend me your shoulders.  

[alex]

After more than a week of quite good windows, I'm in a bad wave I'm afraid.

Very bad sleep last night, exhausted,floating anxiety,DP,suicidal thoughts....and terrify by my money situation.

 But it is weird,when I am in a window, I don`t feel so bad, and the circumstances are the same...

 

Fear, I feel fear.

[alex]

I am on a bad wave of fear and depression;dark thoughts.

I am in need of some encouraging words;but I`ve found it is pointless posting here, I don`t get any feedback.

Barely hanging on...

[Zenwind]

Alex,

When I in a wave, weak and depressed, I tell myself "when my physical/mental conditions become much better, I can think of much better future.  I just need to be patient.  It will pass .. it will pass... "  Tomorrow maybe the window.   

[alex]

Horrible wave of dysphoria, brutal anxiety, DP, fear;I am suicidal, please help!

[Barbarannamated]

Alex,

 

I AM reading your thread and see you are having some very good windows interspersed with horrible waves and brutal fear, depression, and anxiety. I appreciate that you write how you're feeling because it really shows how these waves can just slam us even when life circumstances haven't changed. Your writing helps me to remember that it is this damn withdrawal that makes us view our circumstances so differently from one day to the next.

 

I wish I knew what to tell you to do. Can you explain your suicidal thoughts? Are they based on certain fears?

 

Please try to reread your posts from the good windows very recently.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

 

I`ve found it is pointless posting here, I don`t get any feedback.

 

Alex, I'm so sorry to hear this is how you feel. I am going through an awful time lately myself and though I did get some great feedback in my thread, I still feel the awfulness of days.

 

What can I say to help you feel better? You matter very much to all of us here even though we may not tell you every day. Barb gave you some great feedback, maybe you could try responding to the points she brought up. All I know is that it is possible for us to claw our way through the days when we have to, then we get to some days when it is not quite so bad. I haven't gotten to any real good days yet since last Nov. (Sheesh, nearly a year ago!) Just days of feeling 'less awful'. Crushing anhedonia. I just feel like I am finished with living. Nothing left that I want to do. A hard place to be. No one but me can bring me out of this but my mind and spirit just aren't up to it.

 

I hope you don't feel like this too, it really is too much to bear day after day. I am not even able to rejoice in the fact that most nights I fall asleep within a half hour of lying down and sleep 5 hours most of the time. That is huge compared to last year. But it is the long rest of the day being awake and sitting here all day that is crushing my spirit.  I don't have anything that I want to do. But you do. You have described your singing and that is something great to have in your life. And a girlfriend too, if I remember.

 

I hope this gets better for all of us sooner rather than later.

[alex]

Thank you my good friends.

I am exhausted.

 

Hanging on.

[Petunia]

I'm glad you are hanging on Alex, I wish I could be more help, but I'm running on empty.  I'm also in a wave of anxiety and exhausted.  I'm sure this one will pass like they all do.

(hugs)

[alex]

Thank you my dear Petu;

we will beat this s****t.

 

Hugs.

[Petunia]

Yes we will Alex   I'm actually feeling slightly better this evening, I hope you start to feel better too.

[Addax]

I've been in a wave as well, Alex.  It's amazing to me how debilitating they are and how we so quickly dismiss the existence of windows.  But they ARE there and we will get to them again.  

[alex]

Trying to survive one of the most brutal waves in a long time.

I wont go into details, I am to exhausted.

On the verge of doing something stupid.

 

I am sorry.