success ☼ Alex Withdrawal or Relapse?

[alex]

Fourth day of quite clear window,despite heavy life stressors.

 I am in the classic wave-window pattern,and slowly improving.

[mammaP]

that's great to read Alex, hope it lasts for you. 

[alex]

Thank you mamma

[trouper]

thank you for your inspiring words, alex. even though we may not feel it, i also believe healing is always taking place so glad you are getting more moments of yourself back

[alex]

During the day I'm doing much better;it's awful broken sleep that persists, and scares the hell out of me...

No more cortisol surges though;I just wake up constantly...

I s this the last thing to go??

[Jemima]

I've read that it's one of the last symptoms to go. I'm still having trouble with waking in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep, or having trouble just getting to sleep in the first place. Not so much as, say, six months ago, but the sleep problems are fading only very gradually. I think that once my life is back on track and I have something worthwhile to do most days, my sleep patterns will straighten out.

 

I also know some people who aren't in AD withdrawal who're having trouble sleeping right now. It may be because of the very short nights of summer plus the heat and humidity. I often wake up in a sweat about 4:30 AM, just as it's getting light outside. This happens in spite of the sleep mask and central air conditioning.

[trouper]

having insomnia anxiety may be making it worse. i get that sometimes. i try to stay calm, keep my eyes shut and not look at the clock and can fall back to sleep sometimes. i have the clock out of view on my husband's side which helps. of course sometimes i wake up and i'm wide awake and it's pointless to even try.

 

i wake up at least 3 times a night, but you are ahead in your healing. i'm just happy that sometimes i wake up tired in the later part of the morning

 

try to reframe your thinking about insomnia and it should help you settle down. easier said than done, i know. 

[Pokeshaw]

Hi Alex,

 

i loved what you said:

'What I've found out (it's my perception) is that DESPITE the circumstances, stressors, lack of sleep, etc, the healing process continues.'

 

this is a kind of mantra for me lately - i really need to hear it over and over and over.

 

i too am dealing with the sleepus interuptus - to bed at 9 or 10, awake with hot flash at 3:30 and cant go back to sleep. then go to stressful job ~~ not fun.

last night i was able to go back to sleep so got total of 7. hours. much needed - very grateful.

 

i appreciate hearing everyone's sleep experience and the bits about how it is the last thing to heal. 

 

i am healing, i am healing, i am healing ~~~

 

XOX

 

Pokeshaw in Bklyn

[mlrp]

Hi, Alex,

 

Thank you for stopping by my thread! I wish to echo others appreciation of your focus on the healing that is continually taking place despite our circumstances, or when symptoms may want us to believe otherwise.

 

Seeing James Taylor was great. First time I've seen him live - such a postive, generous, caring spirit. It was a good choice for one of my first "recovery' concerts. (I yearn for the day I can listen to all the music I want, whenever I want. I miss my punk and garage bands - !!)

 

For me, sleep is not a "problem," but that's because I'm on Remeron.    Back in 2013 I suffered traumatization for a few months trying to deal with my (borderline) mother and ended up with severe insomnia and night terrors. I also had insomnia anxiety. It eventually became so bad that I went for about 7 days straight with no sleep whatsoever, and before that had only been sleeping about 2 hours a night, if that. So, I ended up near psychotic, and that's when the psych put me on Remeron, which makes me "sleep," but it isn't at all restorative, and my gut tells me that it is the main culprit in my lingering depression. I have also gained weight and am at risk for diabetes.

 

Now, 14 months later, I see that I will have to seriously look into tapering Remeron. I won't say the thought terrifies me... oh, wait, I just did.

 

Didn't mean to go on about me. Mostly just wanted to thank you for your visit and wish you a continuing window.

 

From experience, I can truly feel for everyone's insomnia issues. I guess, just be grateful you weren't put on Remeron for it. I am trying to prepare myself for what I'm sure will be the rebound insomnia and GI upset that comes from a Remeron taper. But, if I had to do it all over again, I would have done anything I could think of to resolve my insomnia and anxiety without resorting to ADs, which only added insult to injury.

 

The big lesson I will have learned is to not add insomnia anxiety to the insomnia itself. I let myself believe it would kill me or something. Because of the support here, I will be much better prepared to deal with it if/when it recurs with the Remeron taper.

[alex]

Fifth day of very low dysphoria, despite very complicated personal issues.

Persistent broken sleep and PSSD (Premature Ejaculation)

 Thank you my good friends for your support and encouraging words.

[mlrp]

Just me again, Alex, wishing you well. I am so happy for you to be having these good days - and in spite of your continuing circumstantial challenges. Your positive, patient spirit in the face of all adversity will keep you going - and gives me hope. May this be only the beginning of many, many, many good days.

[alex]

Sixth day of very low symptoms, after a tolerable night's sleep.

Thank you mlrp.

[Petunia]

Its great to know that you are having a good window again and are able to feel well, in spite of life problems.  This sounds to me like real strength is developing and of course, continued healing.  Thank you for your ongoing support on my thread.

 

Petu.

[Nikki]

Alex can you explain your waves or good vs. the tough spells.  In other words do the bad spells occur every few months?  Is there are pattern?

 

Personal issues (for me anyway) bring on anxiety and crying spells.  this just happened with my daughter's seizure.  Over at another site someone explained to me that a crisis is a crisis and regardless of WD we will feel it.

 

Are you noticing that the waves are worse as a result of personal issues?

 

You have mad many good times since I have known you and you have tremendous patience and perseverance. 

 

Hugs

[alex]

Hello Nikki;no, there is no pattern in waves and windows.

What I've noticed is that the waves are getting milder and the windows longer and better.As a matter of fact, I'm having one of the longest window ever:one week.

And my CNS is much more resistent, robust, things that used to knock me out of balance, they don't anymore.

All this, in spite of hard every day stressors.

What it means to me is that the CNS keeps healing no matter what.

Your situation and mine could be different because I'm completetly off drugs for 2 yrs now.

Thank you for your kind words, and keep on going Nikki;nothing is as powerful as the human spirit!

 

Hugs to you.

[trouper]

it's awesome to hear you are in your longest window! i guess it's true that there is good improvement after horrible waves.. that's one thing to tell myself to help me get through the bad ones.

[alex]

 i guess it's true that there is good improvement after horrible waves.

 

Absolutely...!

I sang today in front of a large audience; it was a BIG success!

I felt and feel great!!

One whole week with very low symptoms.

[mlrp]

I was just thinking today, Alex, that your spirit is SO strong and inspiring, I wished I could hear your music! How wonderful that you had a successful, enjoyable performance. You must tell us about it, if you want to. Congratulations! 

[lexicon]

Hi dear Alex,

Just stopping by to tell you how delighted I am at your continued progress

 

You are a pillar of strength, and a wonderful inspiration ..

 

Always remember to "keep walking"

 

Holding you in thought and prayer  my sweet friend ..

 

Love, Lexi

 

[alex]

Thank you mlrp and dear Lexi.

Here I am giving the good fight one day at a time.

 

Hugs.

[alex]

My sleep has deteriorated at 2 years off; how is that possible???

In a wave because of awful broken sleep.

Please some thoughts

[WinningThrough]

Hi Alex. I've yet to read through your thread but I do see your name on various threads and keep meaning to visit.

 

Re the sleep, have you tried hypnosis CDs for sleep at all?

 

Something I do when I can't sleep..it sounds a bit out there..I imagine there are two parts to me, one worried part and one non-worried part. I imagine the non-worried part saying to the worried part "well, you may want to stay awake all night but I'd like to sleep. Goodnight!" I realise this sounds very whacky but it can work.

 

I will get to reading your thread.

[alex]

My sleep is getting complicated;I have this awful feeling that I wont make it in the long run.

Depressed, empty, scared and with this "chemical" awful fear, tiredness....

Oh please, the dark thoughts....I don't want to die...

I am on old man with personal issues..is this the end??

I am feeling really down;my sleep, my sexuality,my money, my life...all gone...obsessive thoughts about death..

I am sorry to post like this.

[WinningThrough]

I am so sorry. You've had some good windows..you will have more. I hope this dreadful wave passes soon and you get some relief and a window. Take care.

[mlrp]

Alex, you are a fighter, and have been very strong for others here, as well as for yourself. You have had some recent, good windows. They will come again. You can "borrow" some of my courage until you are feeling better. Keep walking, my friend!

[Nikki]

Alex over at the FB site the administrator there answered a question for me in view of the recent issues with my daughter.

 

I said (much like you) that I was very depressed, sleep deprived and felt that life was misery.  I asked her to explain crisis vs. WD

 

She said something so simple but yet profound....

 

Crisis is crisis and they come on sometimes one after another (which I just experienced).

 

WD is the neuro emotions (very heightened, hair trigger) feelings that keep us stuck in ruminating over never seeing an end in sight.

 

Put the two of them together and whammmm!  It is the absolute worse.

 

This may be what is happening to you.  After two years  you are patiently waiting to feel normal.

 

I feel for you.  I just started to come out of it. 

 

Hugs

[mammaP]

Alex I'm so sorry you are in this wave. Remember that it is just that, a wave, and the window will open

again. I hope it is soon.  Sending a Mamma hug from England to Costa Rica. 

[Petunia]

Hang in there Alex, its just another wave and will pass.  Keep walking towards that next big window.

((hugs))

[mlrp]

 

Crisis is crisis and they come on sometimes one after another (which I just experienced).

 

WD is the neuro emotions (very heightened, hair trigger) feelings that keep us stuck in ruminating over never seeing an end in sight.

 

Put the two of them together and whammmm!  It is the absolute worse.

 

 

Thanks for sharing this, Nikki.. I'm working on finding a solid definition of neuro-emotions in anticipation of my Remeron taper and this  was very helpful.

 

Alex, hang in there - I think you are one very special person!

[alex]

Thank you my dear friends; during the day I can cope with symptoms, but I have to learn to cope with this horrible thing that is insomnia.

I don't have cortisol surges anymore; or very very low, but even that, I wake up, my body and brain is asking for sleep, and yet I can't get it!!

How terrible is that!!

I have to learn to deal with this awful condition w/o panicking...ACCEPTANCE,ACCEPTANCE,ACCEPTANCE.....

 

Incredible damage these f****** meds can do!!!

 

At this very moment I'm feeling better, getting ready to bed.....

 

Hugs to you all

[alex]

What I can't understand is why I am improving and having longer, clear windows, and on the other hand, my sleep is getting worse...!!

This just scares the hell out of me, and of course, I am developing a trauma about insomnia that doesn't help AT ALL!

[mlrp]

I feel for you, Alex, and everyone suffering from terrible insomnia. And it is worse to add "fear of insomnia" because the anxiety will only make things worse. At my worst, I went for about 7 days without one wink of sleep - I was nearly out of my mind. My therapist told me not to panic because eventually the body will take over and just collapse into sleep because it is vital. I honestly don't know if there is any scientific truth in that, or if it even helped me at the time (because about that time I was briefly put on sleeping pills, then ADs) but just sharing in case it helps you. I wish you peaceful sleep, Alex.

[trouper]

hey alex,

an older SA member who was battling a bad case of insomnia recently came back and updated that she can now sleep. it will happen!

here is the thread if you are interested:

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/520-ajay-zoloft-withdrawal/?p=97107

[alex]

Thank you my dear friends.

Very hopeful the ajay post.

It seems to me that the 3 years mark is the turning point for many people....

 

Feeling better today.

 

Thank you again my dear friends.

You are all my heros.

[mlrp]

You're definitely one of my heros, Alex. Thank you for visiting my thread. I'm here for you, too! Hoping you are feeling well today.

[alex]

Third day of clear window;broken sleep, but been able to go back to sleep.

Strong stressors don't trigger awful dysphoria anymore.Much more resilient.Amazing feeling...

 

It gets definetly better.

In a vey crazy way though.

 

Hang in there good and brave people.