Sunflower414: medicated at age 7, now 27

[Sunflower414]

Is there a link or forum about why withdrawal triggers intrusive thoughts / thoughts on “having to die” and how to deal w them?

[Sunflower414]

I want to remember today. In the past three years I missed so many weddings parties showers etc. today I went to a friends wedding shower. It was a bit rough at first, but I did have moments of joy. I’m so happy I didn’t miss it 🤍

[Aveju]

I’m doing great this week! I’ll cut tomorrow and see how that goes.  Thanks for asking.

 

I hope you’re doing well, I haven’t take. 2 doses of my med before, but I’m sure many people have.  Are you feeling okay?

 

That’s exciting that you’re getting married in August! It’s crazy how our lives just seem to go on and move forward in spite of these meds and tapering.  It’s good that we are still choosing to live our lives 😃

 

Are you having a small or a big wedding?

[Sunflower414]

"With multiple drugs and a history of drug changes and cold turkeys, all of this becomes even more complicated. And if a person is started on these kinds of drugs at an early age before the brain has ever completely established normal mature functioning--well, it can't be good. (All of which is why I recommend an extremely slow taper particularly to anyone with a multiple drug history, a history of many years on meds, a history of past cold turkeys or frequent med changes, and a history of being put on drugs at a young age.)"

 

 

Does this mean someone like me is better off just taking the medication? I'm struggling badly again today, I just want my life back desperately. Has anyone in my situation ever gotten off Paxil or SSRIs and fully healed?

[Sunflower414]

20 hours ago, Aveju said:

I’m doing great this week! I’ll cut tomorrow and see how that goes.  Thanks for asking.

 

I hope you’re doing well, I haven’t take. 2 doses of my med before, but I’m sure many people have.  Are you feeling okay?

 

That’s exciting that you’re getting married in August! It’s crazy how our lives just seem to go on and move forward in spite of these meds and tapering.  It’s good that we are still choosing to live our lives 😃

 

Are you having a small or a big wedding?

 

I'm glad you are doing well this week. ❤️ I am feeling quite poorly, I'm hoping I get another window here soon. It's so hard to remember feeling "better" when you are in this state again.

 

We are eloping. I don't think I would handle a wedding well, in withdrawal or not, lol. I don't like the attention. We are thinking maybe one day when I am much better we would have a reception of some kind, but we will see. 

 

Did you drop today? How did it go? 

[Sunflower414]

On 5/20/2023 at 6:48 PM, Sunflower414 said:

Is there a link or forum about why withdrawal triggers intrusive thoughts / thoughts on “having to die” and how to deal w them?

Is there a mod or someone who is familiar with the site who knows if this info is somewhere on the site?

[Chompoo]

@Sunflower414 I am so sorry you are suffering. I found this article by running a search in the Symptoms forum. I hope it helps you.

https://beyondmeds.com/2010/07/05/coping-with-intrusive-thoughts-impulses-voices-etc/

[Aveju]

@Sunflower414 I'm sorry that you are not doing very well. My husband and I eloped in Las Vegas.  I would do it again!

I won't feel my cut for probably a week. I can relate to intrusive thoughts-just had that today and usually when I'm driving all I can think about is crashing and having an accident.  

I wanted to tell you that there is a person on this board - manymoretodays who was on SSRIs and other meds for over 30 years.  Reading her posts and her success story is very encouraging.

 I'm at 31 years of meds, having started at age 11.  I've been seeing a dr who helps with tapering and she says that she's seen people who've been on these meds get off after 30 and 40 years and completely heal.  So I do believe it is possible. 

I struggle with the same thoughts and the feeling that I'll never get off of meds.  It may take a little longer, but we do heal!   We have to remember that our negative thoughts and feelings about this situation are not 100% true. I honestly think it's part of the withdrawal process to think that we are permanently damaged.

I read that same thing that you quoted (a couple years ago) about those who started SSRI use as children and it really freaked me out and put me in a bad place.  I've had to intentionally avoid reading or re-visiting that kind of stuff because it will send me into an emotional spiral.  I've reached the point where I have to limit what I read or focus on, especially this board and a few FB groups I belong to.

Anyways, I just hope that what I wrote helps you to know that you are not alone. 

[Sunflower414]

About a month into my last tiny taper, and in a wave. Experiencing the hopeless feelings, buzzing in my head, electricity feeling in my body, extreme exhaustion, etc. Hoping this wave ends soon. Xoxo

[Sunflower414]

I was hanging in there but I’m having a super hard time again, even while holding. 
 

 I think I just need to know that this is temporary, and that I’m not crazy or mentally ill. I think because all my memories off meds are bad, it makes me worried. Even if it is temporary, it’s a LONG temporary, and then my intrusive thoughts kick in.

 

do I just keep holding here? How do you know getting of meds is the right decision? I have no memory off of medication doing well. 
 

 

[Sunflower414]

Quick update. I am still holding at 12.1mg. I had the best week I've had since tapering last week. Basically felt completely normally (and maybe even slightly better than before!). But, now I'm back in a wave. I'm holding on to last week and believing it's possible and that I will feel like that all the time. Xoxo

[Cheeky]

Hey @Sunflower414

wow you’ve done so well coming down your medication, congratulations. 
I’ve been medicated since I’ve been 16years so I know the thoughts of will we ever heal when our brains have been compromised at such a young age , but I know in my heart we will get there . 
I’ve read your thread and can relate to alot you say . 
I just wanted to come past to tell you you’re doing an awesome job and give you engagement. 
 

Cherky 🌸

[Sunflower414]

Thanks for your encouragement @Cheeky how has your taper been going? I hope and pray it’s been going well and you are able to find some joy. ☀️ 

[Cheeky]

14 hours ago, Sunflower414 said:

Thanks for your encouragement @Cheeky how has your taper been going? I hope and pray it’s been going well and you are able to find some joy. ☀️ 

It hasn’t been easy at all, that’s why it’s taken me soooo long I’ve made many mistakes on the way and had to do long holds for my CNS system . 
What  I have learnt is to accept this is going to be a very long time till I’m free , but the tortoise always wins at the end.  Don’t get me wrong , there are days that all I do is cry  but that’s okay and feel good afterwards. 
How is your tapering going? Do you have a pattern? 

[Sunflower414]

@Cheeky I’ve made alot of mistakes too, it’s hard because you have to learn how to do this all on your own. 
 

I haven’t noticed patterns yet because I haven’t been able to taper at a normal rate just yet. Are you tapering two meds? How about you as far as a pattern goes?

[Cheeky]

57 minutes ago, Sunflower414 said:

haven’t noticed patterns yet because I haven’t been able to taper at a normal rate just yet. Are you tapering two meds? How about you as far as a pattern goes?

Me either, I know I can’t do 10%, so I’ve tried the Brassmonkey slide at 5% and will see how that goes . I wish there was some type of pattern for me , I don’t feel anything sometimes till  6 weeks after . There is no pattern that makes it difficult. 

[getofflex]

On 1/21/2023 at 6:34 PM, Sunflower414 said:

How did you you taper? I see your taper in your signature, but at higher doses, how did you do it? How are you doing now that you are off? I hope you are well. Xoxo

Hello, sorry for the late response.  Before I found this forum, I was tapering too fast.  By 50%, then I slowed down, but I was still going too fast and doing a linear taper - 0.7 mg, 0.6 mg, 0.5 mg, etc.  I finally found this forum when I was on a low dose, I believe it was under 1.0 mg Lexapro.  I did a long hold in the summer of 2020 about 6 months, and after that, I tapered only 10%, but often holding for 6 to 8 weeks between reduction.  Things gradually got easier, because I was being super slow, and listening to my body, and only reducing when I felt reasonably stable.  Not perfect, but not having big ups and downs.  

 

On 4/1/2023 at 9:59 PM, Sunflower414 said:

Still going strong with okay days. I rate every day on a scale from 1-10, and most days I'm around a 7. Some have reached 8s. Praise the Lord!

This is fantastic!  

 

On 4/1/2023 at 9:59 PM, Sunflower414 said:

I am working full time now remotely and it is going okay. I never thought I would work again.

How wonderful!  I'm so happy to hear this.  

 

On 4/1/2023 at 9:59 PM, Sunflower414 said:

My biggest hurdle right now is the fact that my sister, my only sibling, is convinced that I am lying about withdrawal. She is a PA and said that she has spoken to many doctors who say I must be lying because withdrawal lasts only 2 weeks. She is also telling my mom (my biggest supporter and the one who believes most in me) that I have brainwashed her into believing random people on the internet and I am doing it for attention and such.

I'm sorry to hear this.  It sounds like she has drunk the koolaid that most medical professionals have drunk.  It's a shame she is talking stink about you to your mom.  Hopefully, your mom doesn't believe her.  Just one idea - you may want to minimize your contact with her, and not talk to her about WD.  It's your decision, this is only a suggestion.  

 

On 5/18/2023 at 12:30 PM, Sunflower414 said:

I am getting married in august

congratulations!!!  

 

 

[getofflex]

On 5/22/2023 at 1:28 PM, Sunflower414 said:

Does this mean someone like me is better off just taking the medication?

No, it doesn't.  It just means that it's a good idea to be extra cautious, and perhaps go even more slowly than the generally suggested rate of 10% every 4-6 weeks.  

 

I don't know if you've read this yet, but when you get these thoughts of despair, please read this: 

 

Techniques for Managing Withdrawal

 

On 5/22/2023 at 9:12 PM, Sunflower414 said:

Is there a mod or someone who is familiar with the site who knows if this info is somewhere on the site?

Here is how to search our site for info you need: 

 

How to Do a Site Search on SA

 

On 6/22/2023 at 7:36 PM, Sunflower414 said:

I was hanging in there but I’m having a super hard time again, even while holding. 
 

 I think I just need to know that this is temporary, and that I’m not crazy or mentally ill. I think because all my memories off meds are bad, it makes me worried. Even if it is temporary, it’s a LONG temporary, and then my intrusive thoughts kick in.

 

do I just keep holding here? How do you know getting of meds is the right decision? I have no memory off of medication doing well. 
 

 

It may just be that your nervous system needs a few months to hold, before making any changes to your drugs.  I've had this happen, and whenever I held for extra time, I was always glad that I did.  

 

I have to say, from reading your posts in the past 7 months, I can tell you are doing so much better than you were when you first came to this forum.  I believe you were bedridden at one time in the past.  Things are only doing to get better.  I know that the waves and setbacks are so frustrating and discouraging.  But, please don't buy into the idea that you have to be on meds, or go back on meds.  In fact, when you get thoughts like this, you could try techniques like these: 

 

Acknowledge Accept Float

 

 

APPLE Technique

 

I just came across a very nice technique that really helps me.  It's called APPLE. I have printed it and have it where I can see it every day and be reminded of it so I internalize this technique. 

 

A - Acknowledge Notice and acknowledge the thought or uncertainty as it comes to mind. 

 

P - Pause Don't react as you normally do.  Don't react at all.  Just pause and breathe.   

 

P - Pull Back Tell yourself this is just the thought or worry talking, and this apparent need for worry or analysis or certainty is not helpful and not necessary.  It is only a thought or feeling.  Don't believe everything you think.  Thoughts are not statements or facts.   

 

L - Let Go Let go of the thought or feeling.  It will pass.  You don't have to respond to it.  You might imagine the thought floating away in a bubble or cloud.   

 

E - Explore Explore the present moment, because right now, in this moment, you are OK.  Notice your breathing and the sensations of your breathing.  Notice the ground beneath you.  Look around and notice what you see, what you hear, what you can touch, what you can smell.  Right now.  Then shift your focus of attention to something else - on what you need to do, on what you were doing before you noticed the thought or worry, or do something else - mindfully - with your full attention.  

[Sunflower414]

23 hours ago, Cheeky said:

Me either, I know I can’t do 10%, so I’ve tried the Brassmonkey slide at 5% and will see how that goes . I wish there was some type of pattern for me , I don’t feel anything sometimes till  6 weeks after . There is no pattern that makes it difficult. 

I see. I'm surprised you don't feel the taper until 6 weeks after with Paxil's short half life. I usually feel it within 24 hours. Are you tapering more than one medication? Hopefully we can both find some sort of pattern soon. 

[Sunflower414]

Hi @getofflex I'm happy to see you on here. It's been awhile! I read all that you sent and I am very appreciative. I saved those links you sent and will look at them shortly.

 

I'm glad to hear that your taper got slightly easier as you kept going because you found a way to taper that worked for you. Im hoping to do the same. I've been holding here for about 2 months, but before this did a long 8 months hold. I am definitely doing better than when I joined SA, but, thought by now I'd be off medications and doing life again 100%. It is disheartening how long this process can be.

 

I looked at your page and see you are a year off of Lexapro. Congrats! That is a great accomplishment. How are things going for you one year off? XOXO

[Sunflower414]

Sorry I just saw you said to not tag you -- I won't anymore! Oops. I'm not sure if I can edit that out. Sorry GetOffLex.

[Cheeky]

24 minutes ago, Sunflower414 said:

see. I'm surprised you don't feel the taper until 6 weeks after with Paxil's short half life. I usually feel it within 24 hours.

That’s the problem, I dont have a pattern. I dropped yesterday 5% to 17.70mg so I will let you know if I feel anything the next couple of days . I still have slight withdrawal symptoms from last drop but I’m 2/10 feeling good . 

[Cheeky]

28 minutes ago, Sunflower414 said:

Are you tapering more than one medication? Hopefully we can both find some sort of pattern soon. 

Yeah I do Seroquel for a while and then Paxil . I’m trying to get to 10mg Paxil then I will taper Seroquel again . 
yeah I hope we both can get a pattern happening. 

[Sunflower414]

I'm sorry you have to taper two meds @Cheeky but it sounds like you have a plan to get down on both of them! What made you want to start tapering them? Have you been able to work, see friends etc. during your taper? ❤️ 

[getofflex]

1 hour ago, Sunflower414 said:

I'm glad to hear that your taper got slightly easier as you kept going because you found a way to taper that worked for you. Im hoping to do the same. I've been holding here for about 2 months, but before this did a long 8 months hold. I am definitely doing better than when I joined SA, but, thought by now I'd be off medications and doing life again 100%. It is disheartening how long this process can be.

Yes, the taper definitely got much easier when I started following SA protocol!  I know it takes a very long time, but at least it will minimize your symptoms, and you may still be able to live a semi normal life.  Paxil is an especially hard drug to taper off of.  However, you have time on your side.  I didn't finish my taper until I was 61.  If you are only 30, you still have most of your life ahead of you.  But, I do understand how frustrating it is to have to go so slowly, and take years to get off a drug.  At least this is your last drug, and you are off your other prior drugs.  I found that as I got lower and lower in my dose, my emotions started coming back, and I felt much less drugged and numbed, which is great.  

 

1 hour ago, Sunflower414 said:

Sorry I just saw you said to not tag you -- I won't anymore! Oops. I'm not sure if I can edit that out. Sorry GetOffLex.

No worries.  It's easy to miss.  

[getofflex]

1 hour ago, Sunflower414 said:

I looked at your page and see you are a year off of Lexapro. Congrats! That is a great accomplishment. How are things going for you one year off? XOXO

Thanks for asking.  Things are very slowly getting better.  I'm having to work through the issues that got me on the drugs in the first place (trauma, and learning how to process emotions in a healthy non drug way).  My sleep is still wonky, and I get tired a lot, but it's so much better than I was when I first found this forum, and was tapering too fast.  I am optimistic that things will continue to improve.  

[Cheeky]

51 minutes ago, Sunflower414 said:

I'm sorry you have to taper two meds @Cheeky but it sounds like you have a plan to get down on both of them! What made you want to start tapering them? Have you been able to work, see friends etc. during your taper? ❤️ 

I believe that these drugs do nothing except give you a chemical imbalance and I know in my heart that I don’t need them . I’ve gone from 50mg Paxil to now 17.77mg and

if I needed them I would be a complete wreck, but I’m not . It’s only in the withdrawal that I’m a mess then I’m normal again . This just shows me I don’t need it . 
Having Aniexty and depression is a normal response to life , we just have to realise that our body is telling us that what we’re doing isn’t write and so

Something  had to change . 

[Cheeky]

2 minutes ago, Cheeky said:

Have you been able to work, see friends etc. during your taper? ❤️ 

YeH I work full time and have a business with two kids  and two doggies 
My Jobs really social so it’s really hard sometimes . 
I’ve gotten rid of a lot of friends because I find it hard to be around certain people and their drama. I try to surround myself with positive good people that bring out the best im me . I’m extremely sensitive so I try to keep my life simple . 
Do you have anyone that you’re close to ?

[Sunflower414]

Wow @Cheeky it sounds like you are doing really well during your taper! I'm so happy and proud of you!
 

I think this all the time. "how will I ever get to 0 if my reductions are so small and so spread out." I also have the fear that Paxil is "the worst" med. Plus, I was prescribed at 7 years old, plus already tapered a benzo. It feels like a lot of cards are stacked against me but I'm not losing hope!

[Cheeky]

2 hours ago, Sunflower414 said:

Wow @Cheeky it sounds like you are doing really well during your taper! I'm so happy and proud of you!

I wouldn’t say I’m doing well as it’s taken me such a long time to get were I am , but I have had a life doing that . Thanks for the engagement. 

[Cheeky]

2 hours ago, Sunflower414 said:

how will I ever get to 0

I think that everyday of my life , you’re not alone with thought . 

[Cheeky]

2 hours ago, Sunflower414 said:

was prescribed at 7 years old, plus already tapered a benzo. It feels like a lot of cards are stacked against me but I'm

I know of people that have and there living there life . 
You’re young and have to rest of your life . You’ve gotten off a Benzo , congrats and you will eventually on Paxil 

[Cheeky]

@Sunflower414 I thought I’d share this with you . It’s  about a girl that was medicated at age 7 and is off all her drugs and doing well . Healing happens all the time 🌸. 
https://youtu.be/RK1zASsI2ME

[Sunflower414]

Thanks @Cheeky I really enjoyed listening to that! 
 

I guess it’s hard because all the podcasts and videos I watch are people who have healed or are mostly healed, but they all cold turkeyed. It makes me wonder if slow tapering is the way to go? I would imagine so, but it’s just a very long road. 

[Sunflower414]

Not sure if a mod (or someone who’s been in this space awhile) can help out with two questions I have.

 

im holding for another 1-3 months depending on how I’m feeling, but when I resume, I’m thinking about attempting the brassmonkey slide with possibly a 1-1.5% taper. Does this seem like a decent plan or would this be too aggressive for me? I’m hoping to find a schedule of some kind now that I’m a bit more stable than I have been in the past. My doctor said she’s never done a weekly drop but would be open to hearing about this approach. Is there something I could share with her?

 

 

my second question is regarding supplements. She is suggesting I try to take two different supplements to help WD. I tried supplements about two years ago in the beginning of this process and it made me extremely sick and more ill. Since supplements didn’t help then, should I even try, or would it be different now? 
 

as always thanks for everyone who always writes and posts to me. You’ve all been lifesavers. 

[brassmonkey]

Print out the first post from this thread The Brassmonkey Slide Method of Micro-tapering - Tapering - Surviving Antidepressants and show it to her. It explains the entire process.

 

Using a Brassmonkey Slide at 1% should provide a very mild experience. We have a number of members who are doing 1-1.5% very successfully.

 

We only recommend two supplements, fish oil and magnesium, and even they can cause problems for some people. Any other supplements usually end up causing much more trouble than they are worth.