littlebird: tried tapering Pristiq - will try tapering Wellbutrin instead

[Fifree]

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

Just had a 4th cancel.

This is so tough LB. Are you in any danger of running out of meds/prescriptions? 

 

20 minutes ago, littlebird said:

shift my grumbly mindset into an attitude of gratitude

Always love your gratitude lists. And thanks for the good example. Gonna put some into practice

[littlebird]

23 hours ago, littlebird said:

I've been trying to get match to a psychiatrist since before I first joined this site, and have had 3 cancel/quit before our appointments. Just had a 4th cancel.

Called around and couldn't find out why it was cancelled (manually cancelled by someone in the office with an unintelligible acronym as the note why), and got lucky with a cancellation opening later today. Otherwise I would have had to wait until July for another appointment. I finally get a psych intake after a year of trying! Will this doctor be ok with how my meds have changed? We'll see if I get lectured for tapering!

[littlebird]

Tapering helping cysts big time! If anyone on Seroquel has cystic anything, it might be connected. Wild! Feels like my eyesight is a little better at night too. Weird.

[littlebird]

Life has been a bit much, so I'm gonna focus on gratitude! One benefit of memories/emotions getting unlocked in the tapering process is that I can really compare how much better life has gotten over the years. As tough as it feels at times, so much of life is wonderful! So, on the gratitudes (thanks for the emoji idea, @Fifree😞

 

🐾 My dog is adorable and we've met so many cool people through having a pup!

☀️ Finally got some sunny summer weather (even if it's still a bit brisk)

🌱 My plants are doing well, good to see them growing and thriving

🥰 Been connecting with friends a whole lot more since starting tapering, wondering if isolation is a common side effect of being zombified?

😴 Pleasantly surprised that even a lower dose of Seroquel still puts me to sleep at night, and I'm having less suicidal thinking since starting that taper

🌈 Despite *gestures to everything happening to LGBTQIA+ people in my country* I had a lovely, affirming, fun pride month

🦋 Been seeing a lot of butterflies lately!

🕊️ Putting out a suet feeder has attracted a lot of songbirds to my house, and I'm hearing them sing more than other summers

🐣 Found a hummingbird nest while avocado-hunting

[littlebird]

From the bottom of my surly heart and my over-activated nervous system: **** fireworks. Tapering has made me extra sensitive in lots of ways, and it turns out this is one of them. It's been pretty full-on here. 

[littlebird]

Playing the "how long should I hold" game with the Serq taper. I absolutely don't want to rush it, but I could also see myself holding to avoid symptoms. Tough to find that balance! I could also see myself waiting for "life to get a bit steadier," but in this modern world that could maybe not happen.

 

Gratitudes:

🪴 Got some herbs today for my partner to use while making bread, they just made a rosemary loaf that was sooooo good

🐉 I've been enjoying the new Zelda game quite a bit! It's also a good way to make myself rest while I recover from some stuff

😇 Thank goodness I'm more self-compassionate these tapering days! Glad the ole self-talk ain't what it used to be when these WD symptoms come up

✨ Thought of some things in life recently I was sure at the time were for me, and how I'm now grateful I was protected from the things I thought I wanted

💤 Life has been teaching me to rest, something I've always struggled with. Thanks to that video game, I'm enjoying it a bit more these days!

[Thorin]

11 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Got some herbs today for my partner to use while making bread, they just made a rosemary loaf that was sooooo good

Yum this sounds sooooooo good. Been cooking a bit myself lately but am glad it’s not my turn tonight.

12 minutes ago, littlebird said:

😇 Thank goodness I'm more self-compassionate these tapering days! Glad the ole self-talk ain't what it used to be when these WD symptoms come up

So glad your self talk is improving. Was it therapy or just effort?

 

13 minutes ago, littlebird said:

💤 Life has been teaching me to rest, something I've always struggled with. Thanks to that video game, I'm enjoying it a bit more these days!

I’m needing so much rest atm. Computer games sounds good. Might grab my PS out of my son’s room while he’s away. 
 

how’s the new therapist stuff going? I have been lax in getting on here and have missed people updates. Hope you’re well LB!

[Addax]

On 7/5/2023 at 2:02 AM, littlebird said:

From the bottom of my surly heart and my over-activated nervous system: **** fireworks. Tapering has made me extra sensitive in lots of ways, and it turns out this is one of them.

This increased sensitivity is rough. I’m sorry it’s generalized to fireworks. What else have you become more sensitive to? I have also noticed more sensitivity/less tolerance to things that never bothered me before. It’s one of the stranger things I’ve experienced during tapering.

 

10 hours ago, littlebird said:

Playing the "how long should I hold" game with the Serq taper. I absolutely don't want to rush it, but I could also see myself holding to avoid symptoms. Tough to find that balance!

I feel this. Seem’s like the right time isn’t far off but also never quite comes.  It’s also hard to risk potential for feeling unwell when you’re in a place feeling okay. Currently, I’m working it around specific events/tasks or avoiding, as much as possible, feeling unwell during high stress tasks/events.  Kind of like, I know I might feel kind of sh**y, but I just need to not feel that way on these specific days.
 

I enjoy reading your gratitudes. 😊

[littlebird]

Just now, Addax said:

I have also noticed more sensitivity/less tolerance to things that never bothered me before. It’s one of the stranger things I’ve experienced during tapering.

Noise for sure! People being overly loud, those motorcycles that are so loud they set off car alarms, car alarms, even music I don't enjoy... my tolerance is low these days! Also finding it harder to grin and bear it through conversations I'm not enjoying. I also have bombing and gun violence trauma, so fireworks have never been for me, but this year my tolerance was zero.

 

6 minutes ago, Addax said:

I feel this. Seem’s like the right time isn’t far off but also never quite comes.

So well said!!! Like many things in life, if I wait until I feel 100% ready... I'll be waiting till I'm dead. But also! Moving too fast ain't it.

 

10 hours ago, Thorin said:

Been cooking a bit myself lately but am glad it’s not my turn tonight.

I was so grateful last night was not my night to cook. I'm enjoying it more these days, but I also deeply enjoy when it's not my night. 

 

10 hours ago, Thorin said:

I’m needing so much rest atm.

I bet! That kidney stone still kicking around? Body probably needs a lot of rest with that stress.

 

10 hours ago, Thorin said:

So glad your self talk is improving. Was it therapy or just effort?

Honestly, fully effort. I used to just talk to my previous therapist every 2 months (my insurance company is a human rights violation). The thing that finally switched me into really making that effort was a trauma recovery class I took where the psychologist teaching it said, "If you were abused as a child and you have negative self talk, to your nervous system it's no different than your abuser following you around talking **** all day."

 

Then he launched into a long list of all the serious health problems that people with cPTSD get that come from an over-taxed/hyper-vigilant nervous system and I'll be damned if it wasn't a list of the things that killed my recent traumatized ancestors. 

 

SO that's what made me really start digging to the self-talk, but it's something I work on to this day. It was learned over the course of a whole childhood, so it's pretty baked in and can be insidious. It helped to start with name-calling. I wouldn't tell a kid, "Well, that was stupid of you," but I was saying that all day to my own inner child.

 

Another thing was imagining the kindest and most compassionate parent ever, an amalgamation of every parent I wished I'd had over the years. What would a completely kind, compassionate, and unconditionally loving parent say to a kid who was feeling what I was feeling? Felt foreign at first, but it's SO much easier to kick that into gear these days.

[littlebird]

Sunday Gratitudes:

🧘 Did some yoga this week, would love to get back into practicing regularly. Also been meditating a bit in the mornings, though sometimes my mind feels too "busy" I'm keeping at it

🪴 I've been enjoying container gardening and finding tiny bits of earth outdoors to add a little greenery to the outdoors

🐉 A strangers asked about hobbies today, and I realized I'd gotten back into making art of out of trash/broken things; I enjoy making something pretty out of something that would otherwise end up in a landfill. Got inspired by a holographic piece of plastic I found while walking dog, gonna get back into textile art. The higher the med levels got, the less I engaged in creativity. It's been nice to return to it!

☀️ Cold/cloudy summer is making it even more special when the sun comes out! Maybe our moods are like that too, the lows help the highs feel more precious

😂 Made my intake therapist laugh so hard she had to wipe tears away in our last session, always nice to add a little fun!

😷 Been seeing a lot more masks! Hopefully all these studies about long-term effects of the 'vid are making a dent in the cultural consciousness. Also, PSA time, if y'all have wildfires in your area, please wear a mask and invest in an air filter - that ish is toxic.

🌈 I've been remembering more of my dreams since tapering Seroquel! They'd been a blank for years since it went up from 50mg to 100mg

🍹 While I can't drink, I've been enjoying watching Drunk History (turns out there's versions for Mexico, the UK, and Australia too), where comedians get very drunk and tell true stories from history that get acted out. There are a bunch of clips on youtube if anyone thinks that sounds fun. Kinda reminds me that it's not that fun to drink, as funny as it is to watch, when I remember getting too silly and having walloping hangovers the next day.

[littlebird]

I've been seeing a lot more public breakdowns, which given the state of affairs is pretty understandable, but someone pointed something out yesterday that made a lot of sense as to why it's getting more common. I live in a city with a truly monumental population of homeless people, and a big increase in "sweeps" by the cops that throw out all their worldly belongings and "move them along" to another street.

 

Many people struggle with mental illness, and these sweeps often throw away medications which are extremely hard to get connected with when living on the streets. I've been reliant on free clinics for psych meds at a rough patch in life, and I can attest it's not a fast or easy process to even get a refill sometimes. I'm sure many of us would be a hop, skip, and a jump away from a public breakdown if all our meds were suddenly gone! I know I would be.

 

Wishing we lived in a system that had a lot more compassion and care. I was talking to someone who lives on the streets, and they were thanking me for making eye contact and speaking with them: sounds like most people pretend they don't exist. Maybe we can all be a little more loving and kind, even when all we have to offer is a smile and a little conversation? Also, maybe America can get it's act together with the ongoing human rights violation of homelessness. 

 

I was thinking about how my increased sensitivity includes sensitivity to pain of others, and part of me reflexively wished to be numbed out by too many psych meds again, but then again.... nah. I'll just feel it.

[littlebird]

Gratitudes!

💊 Grateful to have discovered this site and started untangling these meds! Even before the tapering, just cutting out the interactions that were happening for so many years was a game-changer

☀️ Got some sunshine!!! Love it

🌱 Our little container garden is coming along

🐾 Our friendly little dog has introduced us to some very cool people

💍 I love my partner so much! So happy we're together

🕊️ Been hearing a lot of birdsong, including the neighborhood mockingbird putting on regular shows (including dance numbers while singing)

🌺 My hummingbird buds were looking unwell and I was worried, but I learned it's their molting season! All these usually sleek cuties are all fluffers and losing lil feathers and growing in mismatched ones. Glad they're okay and it's just a natural cycle!

[littlebird]

More gratitudes cause why not:

👍 It was looking like I'd have to wait until September for a therapy connection, but I got lucky and have an intake this week. Great timing, I've been thinking, "I could really use a therapist"

☀️ Got a little more sun! I'm loving it.

🐾  I'm so beyond grateful for our dog, she's a fuzzy lil angel

🌈 So glad I pushed past the "isolate forever" symptoms of cPTSD and have been letting more people in

🌤️ I'd been worried about cognition, but I've had some moments of clarity that make me think my brain is equalizing

🌱 Loving my plants so much, so grateful to have brought a little greenery to the concrete wasteland

😷 Boss approved a buy of Enovid for an upcoming in person event, glad I didn't have to import that one out of pocket

🦋 I have a scary thing coming up this week, and a friend offered to go with me. I don't think I'm gonna take them up on it, but the offer really touched my heart

😭 Tapering has unlocked tears! Which don't feel great, don't get me wrong, but for a long time I would go for weeks or months feelings like I really needed to cry and couldn't even work up a single teardrop

🎉 Was talking to someone who asked "who I'm out to" with being non-binary, and my answer of "everyone, pronouns are even in my work signature" made her thrilled. So glad I found a workspace that is inclusive and accepting, and hoping this becomes so much the norm that it's not even surprising to people to hear it

[littlebird]

I'm enjoying exploring an attitude of gratitude:

☀️ We've got sunshine again! Loving waking up to a sunny day

🪴 An intake therapist asked what my strengths are, and I found myself stumped. If it was a job interview, I know what I'd say to "sell myself," but in this context I found myself really having to think. I think that's a sign I need to focus on the positive things about myself more, which I've been trying to do (despite Midwestern "stay humble" fighting me on that). Good food for thought!

🐉 The new Zelda game is everything, highly recommend. Helping me kick back and rest more too!

🦄 Super grateful for friends! Glad I didn't keep isolating the way I was for years, somehow tapering has made it easier to initiate social activities (even if not drinking makes it hard to be in a group setting at times)

☎️ Been chatting on the phone more than ever before, which is lovely! Makes me feel like a teenager again

🌈 Got connected with a long term therapist, after many many months of trying! Woohooooooooo!!

[littlebird]

🌈 Been grateful I've been remembering to remind myself, "This state of mind will pass," and not spiral into worry about "being this way forever"

🌱 So grateful to have been connected with weekly therapy!!! Finally just had to go outside of insurance and I'm so glad I did.

🌤️ Got the best possible news from some scary medical tests! 🥳 

🥰 Even though connection is scary and I sometimes want to retreat into a cave of isolation... the more I let people in, the better life gets.

[FireflyFyte]

9 hours ago, littlebird said:

Even though connection is scary and I sometimes want to retreat into a cave of isolation... the more I let people in, the better life gets.

 

Letting people in can be incredibly intimidating so just want to say that I am proud of you for putting yourself out there!

[Thorin]

16 hours ago, FireflyFyte said:

On 7/16/2023 at 5:12 PM, littlebird said:

Even though connection is scary and I sometimes want to retreat into a cave of isolation... the more I let people in, the better life gets.

 

Letting people in can be incredibly intimidating so just want to say that I am proud of you for putting yourself out there!

This is something I’ve been working on this year. In the beginning my nervous system would have a complete melt down if I made myself publicly vulnerable or allowed any sort of REAL connection. It’s slowly getting easier. Still very scary though.

[littlebird]

8 hours ago, Thorin said:

On 7/16/2023 at 9:24 AM, FireflyFyte said:

Letting people in can be incredibly intimidating so just want to say that I am proud of you for putting yourself out there!

This is something I’ve been working on this year. In the beginning my nervous system would have a complete melt down if I made myself publicly vulnerable or allowed any sort of REAL connection. It’s slowly getting easier. Still very scary though.

Yuuuuup still v scary! I've been noticing less and less of the pendulum feeling we talked about where I open up and then go hard in the other direction in fear. Although I've noticed I've hit a point where I'm just wanting to socialize with people my nervous system have already deemed "safe" and not make new pals or even small talk that much. Feels like I don't have the same energy for small talk these days! 

[littlebird]

Monday morning gratitudes:

🦄 Blessings in disguise (an intake therapy appointment falling through the day before a traumatic thing so my trauma wasn't wide awake, plans falling through just when I needed to rest, etc)

☀️ Warm weather! It's been a cold summer, which again is a blessing in disguise since no one here has air con, and whenever it gets a bit warm I've been soaking it up like a cat napping in the sun

⛰️ Got a mini hike in this weekend and had a picnic with my partner and pup

📸 We got previews of our wedding photos and daaang we so cute and happy, and there are some great shots of our loved ones.

📻 I'd been pondering how having less dopamine receptors blocked by Seroquel taper is revealing that I really don't have enough happy juice bouncing around up in this brain o mine, then happened to catch a story on NPR driving home yesterday about how digital addictions are like "needle drugs" of dopamine (researchers' words, not mine). Wondering if I need a little dopamine diet and less screen/podcast/constant input? Also could use more exercise and non-digital hobbies... I need to get back into art!

🎨 Speaking of which, a book I'm reading mentioned a few famous artists who make art out of trash (something I've been exploring lately) which sent me down a happy rabbit hole of inspiration. Trash on beaches and fast fashion have been driving me a bit eco-cuckoo and I've been thinking of things I can do to repurpose all this junk humans have created. Been thinking about making a rag rug ancestor-style with fast fashion. Never tried it before, but might be fun.

[Thorin]

14 hours ago, littlebird said:

Yuuuuup still v scary! I've been noticing less and less of the pendulum feeling we talked about where I open up and then go hard in the other direction in fear. Although I've noticed I've hit a point where I'm just wanting to socialize with people my nervous system have already deemed "safe" and not make new pals or even small talk that much. Feels like I don't have the same energy for small talk these days! 

I’m very much the same with regard to people in general at the moment. Finding it exhausting. I used to need to be around people a lot and I’m struggling with it now. Hope I come back to people again…. They seem more dangerous than they used to.

But also less of the pendulating to LB. Mind you, I’ve had a bit of a breather from therapy which has made that easier. Kind of dreading getting back into it but need to work through the trauma more. The attachment stuff is the hardest out of all the trauma stuff I think. Being that vulnerable. Being crazy sensitive to what the other person says. Feeling like people don’t like you when there’s little evidence to support that. That’s the stuff that wears you down. And when you’re feeling good you can see it all for the crazy thinking it is!

[j1290]

4 minutes ago, Thorin said:

That’s the stuff that wears you down. And when you’re feeling good you can see it all for the crazy thinking it is!

Man I was just gonna say I wouldn't be surprised if a good percentage of that is pill/WD/whatever related.  

[Thorin]

2 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Man I was just gonna say I wouldn't be surprised if a good percentage of that is pill/WD/whatever related.  

That’s the stuff I’ve been trying to work out. Is some of it meds/WD or is it my trauma….. only time will tell.

[littlebird]

10 hours ago, Thorin said:

They seem more dangerous than they used to.

Yuuuup, the more I process trauma, the more I have to reckon with just how unsafe people have been historically. Inner child could isolate all day, every day. TBH when "lockdown" hit in 2020 it really wasn't that much of a day to day change for my partner and I, which was something I really had to look at and think about.

 

10 hours ago, Thorin said:

Mind you, I’ve had a bit of a breather from therapy which has made that easier. Kind of dreading getting back into it but need to work through the trauma more.

Ain't easy!! I've definitely put it off and dreaded re-starting... but in the long run it's worth the pain. At least that's how I feel now, when I was doing those intakes I was thinking "Nah, ripping all this open for what?!"

 

10 hours ago, Thorin said:

Feeling like people don’t like you when there’s little evidence to support that.

Oh my GOD, this plagues me so much. "People only talk to you cause they feel sorry for you," or "The people in your life just tolerate you," or worse. What would going through life be like with solid self-confidence? "I'm awesome and people are in my life cause they like me," ahhhhhhh why is that scary??!

 

10 hours ago, j1290 said:

10 hours ago, Thorin said:

That’s the stuff that wears you down. And when you’re feeling good you can see it all for the crazy thinking it is!

Man I was just gonna say I wouldn't be surprised if a good percentage of that is pill/WD/whatever related.  

I wish I'd been keeping a journal all these years and could go back and see how thinking and behavior changed as meds did. In hindsight I see some larger patterns, but I bet there are lots of little moments over the years that I'm not remembering.

 

10 hours ago, Thorin said:

The attachment stuff is the hardest out of all the trauma stuff I think. Being that vulnerable. Being crazy sensitive to what the other person says.

Attachment stuff is brutal. I remember the first time I learned about it, in a group led by a therapist, and this girl and I sitting in the circle kept giving each other increasingly panicked looks as we made our way through the worksheet. We had to go out for a smoke when the group was over and just process all that. 

 

Brought it up to a friend going through a break-up, where someone bolted when things got serious. They couldn't make sense of it (their attachment is a lot healthier than mine), but when I brought up anxious-avoidant attachment it clicked for them.

 

Makes me remember when I first started feeling like I was falling in love with my now-partner, and how I wanted to run for the hills so hard I left the country on a solo trip for a bit. 🤣 There have been many moments over the years of "I love this person so much, I better do a runner," and I'm so glad life conspired to keep us together! 

[littlebird]

Noticed a truly wild tapering phenomenon last night. I was driving home from hanging out with a friend and forgot my glasses, usually an issue after dark. Last time I did that, driving the same route before starting tapering, I noticed I couldn't read the exit signs at all and ended up covering the eye with worse vision to try and make out what signs said. Last night, I could read all the signs without glasses. WHAT??

 

Last eye exam, I asked if vision ever got better or if it was a slow slide into always worse and the eye doctor said vision improvement is unheard of. Might have to let them know about how much psych meds can affect vision, and how I experienced improvement after lowering doses. It was a relief to be able to read the signs, but it's weird to me how much improvement there was since before the tapering.

 

Makes me wonder about how I only started needed glasses after being on psych meds for a few years, and I had better than 20/20 vision before that. Might have happened anyways, but I wonder how much meds factored in! What don't these things do??

[Fifree]

16 hours ago, Thorin said:

meds/WD or is it my trauma

I dare says WD intensifies trauma responses and trauma intensifies WD so it's probably a terrible merry-go-round

 

6 hours ago, littlebird said:

 

16 hours ago, Thorin said:

Feeling like people don’t like you when there’s little evidence to support that.

Oh my GOD, this plagues me so much. "People only talk to you cause they feel sorry for you," or "The people in your life just tolerate you," or worse. What would going through life be like with solid self-confidence? "I'm awesome and people are in my life cause they like me," ahhhhhhh why is that scary??!

Are you both in my head? 

 

5 hours ago, littlebird said:

the eye doctor said vision improvement is unheard of

Call me cynical, but I think eye doctors may also be given to overprescribing. They want you to keep buying glasses 💲💲💲

 

5 hours ago, littlebird said:

What don't these things do??

It's mind boggling.

 

[littlebird]

2 minutes ago, Fifree said:

6 hours ago, littlebird said:

Oh my GOD, this plagues me so much. "People only talk to you cause they feel sorry for you," or "The people in your life just tolerate you," or worse. What would going through life be like with solid self-confidence? "I'm awesome and people are in my life cause they like me," ahhhhhhh why is that scary??!

Are you both in my head? 

I'd love to have an ongoing poll on here, I bet there's a lot of overlap in things like this. How many of us were medicated because of learned self-talk? I know once I stopped beating myself up too much, that's when I really started to feel over-medicated.

 

3 minutes ago, Fifree said:

5 hours ago, littlebird said:

What don't these things do??

It's mind boggling.

I bet there's sooooo much we don't even know they're doing yet!

[j1290]

11 hours ago, littlebird said:

but in the long run it's worth the pain. At least that's how I feel now, when I was doing those intakes I was thinking "Nah, ripping all this open for what?!"

Yes, boy, do I hear that!  I gave up on CBT a looong time ago because it was so ineffective for my trauma.  I did a couple intense years of it at 2 or 3 times a week recently, and I still stand by that.  It was better than nothing, but for me the EMDR is at least 10 times better, even though it's uncomfortable.  At least I get a payoff for the work, which I never really got out of CBT concerning my family of origin/trauma.  

 

4 hours ago, Fifree said:

I dare says WD intensifies trauma responses and trauma intensifies WD so it's probably a terrible merry-go-round

 

LOL yeah that makes a lot of sense.  

 

9 hours ago, littlebird said:

It was a relief to be able to read the signs, but it's weird to me how much improvement there was since before the tapering.

All this eye stuff, the afterimages/visual static/choppy motion that I've gotten have improved with tapering.  I think it's one of the most scary symptoms of all.  That's fantastic that your vision is getting better, I hope I get the same 😎

 

4 hours ago, littlebird said:

I bet there's sooooo much we don't even know they're doing yet!

I've read a bunch of papers, and when they contradict each other, what am I supposed to think?!?

[Thorin]

12 hours ago, littlebird said:

TBH when "lockdown" hit in 2020 it really wasn't that much of a day to day change for my partner and I, which was something I really had to look at and think about.

Yeah LB that’s not a healthy way to live. Good on you for putting yourself out there and facing the fear and danger ❤️

 

12 hours ago, littlebird said:

Ain't easy!! I've definitely put it off and dreaded re-starting... but in the long run it's worth the pain. At least that's how I feel now, when I was doing those intakes I was thinking "Nah, ripping all this open for what?!"

I’m feeling the same. Therapy sucks but is worth it in the long run

 

12 hours ago, littlebird said:

Oh my GOD, this plagues me so much. "People only talk to you cause they feel sorry for you," or "The people in your life just tolerate you," or worse. What would going through life be like with solid self-confidence? "I'm awesome and people are in my life cause they like me," ahhhhhhh why is that scary??!

This! Imagine being someone that doesn’t even question that people like them. Like it’s a just a given that of course people care about and like them. Freaks 😂

 

12 hours ago, littlebird said:

Makes me remember when I first started feeling like I was falling in love with my now-partner, and how I wanted to run for the hills so hard I left the country on a solo trip for a bit. 🤣 There have been many moments over the years of "I love this person so much, I better do a runner," and I'm so glad life conspired to keep us together! 

Hahaha I do similar stuff. Purposely try to sabotage it. If someone can get passed all the crap I throw up then you can trust them. I’m not going to be like that anymore.

 

11 hours ago, littlebird said:

Last eye exam, I asked if vision ever got better or if it was a slow slide into always worse and the eye doctor said vision improvement is unheard of. Might have to let them know about how much psych meds can affect vision, and how I experienced improvement after lowering doses. It was a relief to be able to read the signs, but it's weird to me how much improvement there was since before the tapering.

So a couple of weeks ago I did an eye test and my left eye was one step better than it used to be…..

 

5 hours ago, Fifree said:

12 hours ago, littlebird said:

 

22 hours ago, Thorin said:

Feeling like people don’t like you when there’s little evidence to support that.

Oh my GOD, this plagues me so much. "People only talk to you cause they feel sorry for you," or "The people in your life just tolerate you," or worse. What would going through life be like with solid self-confidence? "I'm awesome and people are in my life cause they like me," ahhhhhhh why is that scary??!

Expand  

Are

You get this too Fi? It’s a painful one isn’t it.

 

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

It was better than nothing, but for me the EMDR is at least 10 times better, even though it's uncomfortable.  At least I get a payoff for the work, which I never really got out of CBT concerning my family of origin/trauma. 

Man CBT is useless for trauma. You have to feel it to heal it (which sucks). The recommended treatment for trauma is CBT and meds. Neither does much for trauma.

[littlebird]

I was hanging with a new friend, I'm the first non-binary person he's known. He started talking last time we hung in person about how it was hard: having to educate the people in his life what non-binary was, fielding their transphobia, and then feeling awkward about correcting their pronoun use. I felt a bit odd... like he was saying it was hard to know me? Didn't really know what to say in response.

 

I dunno, I might be overly sensitive and overthinking. I like this person a lot and he's one of the best around with getting my pronouns right, but I just keep thinking about his comment and I'm not sure why it keeps popping back into my head.

[StayHopeful]

@littlebird

 

I bet you're over thinking this one.😊  It sounds like he's comfortable enough with you to share his struggles and feelings concerning his experiences.  If it really bothers you, you can always just ask him. It's so much better to ask what he's thinking, than to worry and have it cause an awkward feeling when you're around him. If he expresses that he was dropping hints for you, then you have a chance to clear the air and talk about it. 😉

[littlebird]

Thank you, @StayHopeful! Good advice. I've been tending towards overthinking even more than usual lately, so maybe I'll sleep on this one and see if I find something new to overthink tomorrow. Appreciate you stopping by, and hope you're doing well!

[littlebird]

I've been struggling with fatigue and brain fog, and finally started noticing that both of those get worse 3 times a day after I take Gabapentin. I've been holding a while after my last drop, time to take a micro-taper and see if it helps with the side effects.

 

This tends to make me a bit emotional, each time I've dropped Gabapentin, and I wish I understood the mechanics of why. I remember processing a lot of memories I hadn't thought about in over 20 years last time I tapered this too. We'll see how this goes! 

[FireflyFyte]

21 hours ago, littlebird said:

I was hanging with a new friend, I'm the first non-binary person he's known. He started talking last time we hung in person about how it was hard: having to educate the people in his life what non-binary was, fielding their transphobia, and then feeling awkward about correcting their pronoun use. I felt a bit odd... like he was saying it was hard to know me? Didn't really know what to say in response.

 

As a non-binary person, and also an overthinker, this would have rubbed me the wrong way. It's difficult being non-binary, it is a lot easier to be friends with someone who is non-binary when all you are asking is proper pronouns and basic respect.

[littlebird]

15 minutes ago, FireflyFyte said:

As a non-binary person, and also an overthinker, this would have rubbed me the wrong way.

I appreciate this, cause my brain keeps bringing it up when I brush it off and I think it's for a reason. I need to process this a bit more.

 

16 minutes ago, FireflyFyte said:

It's difficult being non-binary

That part. This really feels like it should have been some inside processing for him and it feels like a red flag. While it's good to know that his circle is transphobic, why go into this with me in this way? It felt really weird to be told that being friends with me is complicating his life. 

 

I was enjoying this new friendship, and now I find myself lightly pumping the brakes on it while I figure this out. Which sucks, cause I was enjoying his company, but also my brain keeps waving this red flag at me. Still haven't decided if it's worth mentioning (or how I'd phrase that) or if I'll just pump the brakes slightly and keep an eye out for further red flags.

 

Also, I think I need more queer community, which would require getting out and about more and isolating less. Scary!

[littlebird]

6 hours ago, FireflyFyte said:

As a non-binary person, and also an overthinker, this would have rubbed me the wrong way.

Processed it a bit in therapy, and I'm thinking this genuinely sweet and kind person was processing the transphobia they were surprised to encounter in their friends and family. Therapist used the term microaggression, and I don't know if this qualifies... although a microaggression could absolutely be well-meaning, so maybe?

 

Anywho, I landed on not addressing it but I just keep coming back to:

 

4 hours ago, littlebird said:

I need more queer community, which would require getting out and about more and isolating less. Scary!

I'm thinking expanding my community would be helpful, and I'm genuinely scared of getting out there and meeting people. Making friends is a lil bit like asking someone out, that moment when you ask if they want to exchange info and hang out sometime. Social anxiety says noooooooooo hide from the world forever!

 

Thank you so much for reaching out and validating my feelings, I really appreciate it.

[littlebird]

What. A. Day! Had a 2 hour intake with a new psychiatrist, who was the coolest one I've ever talked to. Win! I felt heard and respected, and I'm beyond grateful for that. Also, what a relief to finally have an assignment to a psychiatrist I'll be seeing again! It's been many months of trying to get connected.

 

Doc recommended CT of Wellbutrin, effective immediately, which was a bit of a bummer to hear after 2 hours of being clear I was sensitive to med changes and stopping things suddenly didn't work for me. I asked why, and she said because 37.5mg is the lowest dose of Wellbutrin, that was the jumping off point. I asked about tapering, and reminded her I had a scale and willingness to do math. She recommended my taper plan is take only one dose of WellyB a day (halving the mgs) for one week, then stop, then talk to her in a month.

 

I'm............. not gonna do that. It's Team Taper all the way in this house! Did a 10% taper of my first dose of the day after talking with her, not even gonna touch that 50% taper for one week then stop suggestion.

 

I immediately jumped into therapy after that, and had a lot come up. My therapist is taking a break, so we have one more session and then nothing till September. Can't tell if I'm glad to take a break from talking about trauma, or worried about being unsupported... I guess both. But I've held it down without therapy most my life and will be fine.