littlebird: tried tapering Pristiq - will try tapering Wellbutrin instead

[littlebird]

🪴 Having quiet time in the usually shared backyard, it's so lovely to have some space. Really appreciating peace and quiet in this healing process! 

🌈 Feeling hopeful about how much progress I've made already on meds. Come a long way, which helps fuel me for untangling the polydrugging further. Just gotta be patient and also lean hard on coping skills and healthy life choices.

☀️ The sun is shining! 

🎨 I've been having some creative blocks, and I might be finding a way around one! As I have a continued unmet goal of making time for creative pursuits, it's hard to "make things that aren't useful." I recently got some inspiration that has my brain cooking cause it's also dead useful, I can work on prototypes now but I'm gonna have to get a book to learn for more advanced things.

🌱 The more kind and encouraging I am to myself, the easier it is to get things done. 

🎶 Music is such a gift! Have you listened to some music today?

👻 Challenged myself to get out last night and while it was hard it was surely better than staying home.

[littlebird]

I've been thinking a lot about my ADHD. For one I wonder if, with the number of people with cPTSD I talk to who have ADHD, if it isn't developmental trauma to the nervous system. Growing up hyper-vigilant has to do a number on the CNS.

 

Even if taking ADHD meds again was an option (they were a fast track to panic attacks at the time), there's a nationwide shortage. My doctor said some ADs are prescribed for ADHD, but I'm not trying to complicate the poly-drugging.

 

Which means learning new habits and behavior change, I guess? I remember taking LSD at home once way back in the day and having a similar effect that I felt from ADHD meds: organization was easy and I was able to make plans. I've heard of people microdosing that to help with various things, but it's such a wold-shaker of a drug I'm not sure that's something I want to get into.*

 

*When people ask about LSD, I ask if a portal were to appear in front of them and they didn't know where they were going, if they'd come back, or who'd they'd be on the other side... would they walk through it? Not to be taken lightly.

[littlebird]

☀️ Been loving the sun! Enjoying bundling up and getting out to get some Vitamin D and fresh air.

🌦️ Also been enjoying the rain, as have all the plants

🎨 I have a creative idea for a personal project I'm so pumped about, gonna have to do more research 🤓

⚡️ Also had a good idea for work recently that's been firing me up. Inspired is one of my favorite things to be!

🌱 Living my best urban homesteading life and harvesting herbs from my containers! It's a good harvest season.

😷 Seeing lots of people masking lately! 

🥴 Giving myself some grace for not doing so well during a very hard week. Started to tear up just writing that. Compassion is the way!

😮 Ran into an former mentor who I hadn't seen in years and was showered with compliments and praise. It was on a day when I was feeling pretty low and was a good reminder that how we feel about ourselves isn't always how others see us.

🐺 Been thinking about how much of my life I spent lone wolfing it. I'm really grateful to my tough self for surviving and getting through, and I'm also very grateful that life has more community these days. It's fun to run with a pack!

📖 Grateful to my younger self for getting interested in reading and learning. Someone recently asked how I knew about a topic, and I could just say I like to read. Glad to have a curious mind!

💚 My partner has really helped me through a very emotionally trying time recently. I'm so grateful to be married to this wonderful human!

🫥 I've been dissociated quite a bit recently, but today I started thinking about being grateful for this survival tactic that helped me through childhood. If anyone has found anything to help with this, I'd love to get a little more control over this symptom. 

[littlebird]

Kinda concerned about how many people report being prescribed ADs for Long Covid symptoms. Seen a lot of Wellbutrin for cognitive function/stimulant effects to combat fatigue and some other meds too.

 

This honestly seems like a huge issue given the numbers of people struggling with Long Covid. These folks are desperate for relief and might end up with more issues down the line from psych meds, especially since GPs are prescribing and (in my experience) they have even less education about side effects, changing meds, safely tapering down, and de-prescribing. 

 

This feels like a very bad sign that psych meds are quickly becoming a go-to for post-viral damage.

[littlebird]

Just now, littlebird said:

This feels like a very bad sign that psych meds are quickly becoming a go-to for post-viral damage.

Then again, a lot of prescribers are being rocked by Long Covid, so this actually might end up with doctors who have first-hand experience taking psych meds themselves? Guess we gotta just wait and see.

[littlebird]

Anxiety has been outta control! Could the change in Seroquel be affecting that, or maybe it's more life stress/trauma processing? There have been times this past week when I'm shaking like a chihuahua without a sweater and have to lean really hard on coping skills to ground and calm down the CNS.

[littlebird]

Me: I'm gonna have a nice, quiet Friday in to soothe my nervous system.

 

Me alone with my thoughts on Friday night: I've made a huge mistake.

[littlebird]

Got off my buns and made the most of it! Now I'm back to "Friday night in is good for nervous system." Made some tea, running a bath, petting my dog, life is good. Glad I broke the rumination cycle! 

[littlebird]

Had my one-year anniversary of finding this site last month, come such a long way in getting a handle on my meds! Chomping at the bit to be fully off these things, but also taking my sweet and careful time to get there safely. 

[littlebird]

Okie dokie, not sure what it'll take to get creative for fun and not work! Wanted to get into a project tonight and worked instead, then read an activating book and now it's 1am and I'm electric with anxiety. I'm realizing I worked late and didn't wind down, so this is my winding down. Holding myself accountable and asking if anyone has any ideas how I can give myself permission to take time to play and be creative for fun.

 

I think Serq is stabilizing? Still figuring that ish out and holding steady until it feels like I'm in a better place with that unexpected change.

[littlebird]

🌦️ Got a little outdoor time today with the pup

🥤 Taking a break from gratitude list to go drink some water, glad I'm checking in with body and doing some self care more often these days

🧽 Pushed myself to wash dishes and clean kitchen, which is a gift for tomorrow morning LB

🌈 So grateful to feel more connected to people these days. I had no idea how much of the disconnect I was feeling was med-related.

🎶 Been making time to listen to music, which is helpful to my mental health no matter my mood or the mood of the music I feel like that day. Really appreciating Megan Thee Stallion speaking about mental health and trauma in her work.

⚡️ Taking deep breaths and trying to ground body. Wish I had time to fill the tub and take a bath, but it's past my bedtime. It'll be nice to snuggle into bed once I'm calm enough to lie still. Wondering if I should pop the Seroquel now and let it help sedate the anxiety? Or maybe that'll lead to anxious dreams if I don't unwind it first?

🕯️ Gonna light a candle I bought at a cute local shop that smells nice, got a smell and sight sensory benefit to that one

🪴 My plants are coming along, going to have some more herbs to harvest soon!

 

Sending a big hug to everyone who would like one, and wishes for a happy new moon and rest of the year. May we all continue to recover, heal, and help others to do the same. Blessings and love, y'all!

[littlebird]

🌈 Had the most wonderful time with loved ones last night, so grateful I started letting people in! Friendship is magic.

🌦️ Got a little rain while we slept, bet the plants are happy.

🎶 Music is such a gift! Having a little dance while I write this.

🎨 Making it a serious goal to make a piece of art, even if it's just for fun and isn't useful in some way. It feels important to get back into this.

💛 The more I'm vulnerable in my friendships and share what's going on with me, the more others are sharing and letting me get to know them better. Might be something to this being known by others things, huh?

🌱 Got a cutting of a rare and beautiful plant to propagate 😍

✌️ Such a relief to have some space to myself today! A few residents moved out recently and the shared space has half as many people as usual lately, and today none at all. Love being able to sit outside and have it be so peaceful!

🐾 When it gets chilly, my dog starts to like cuddles and will come snuggle with us. 

🕊️ I have more hope these days than ever before!

🪴 Even with our limited space/sun for our little container garden, we have a big harvest to be thankful for this year! Love urban homesteading it up with my sweetie. 

📚 I love the library. I can get kindle books and audiobooks for free for one. Also, even if you're not interested in using your local library it would be good to get a card anyway - funding is often based on the number of people who have cards, so take the whole family and get some cards and help your local community for free! I was thinking about how grateful I was as a kid to ride my bike to the library and get a safe air-conditioned haven to relax and learn. Bless libraries! 

[Fifree]

Loving this gratitude list LB. It's so very positive - especially the "hope" bit 🤗

 

I'm with you on libraries too. I read mostly on my tablet because I can get so many things from my library for free! Saves a fortune and saves space at home cos I already have a million books. Most of our libraries are run by local city councils and most of the nearby ones will also let you join up so you can access their libraries too and they all use the same reading app so you get access to heaps of stuff. Most of my reading friends are very devoted to paper and ink books but I'm a big fan of e-books.  

[littlebird]

16 hours ago, Fifree said:

Most of my reading friends are very devoted to paper and ink books but I'm a big fan of e-books.

I used to be all about the paper books, until I took a kindle on a trip for the first time. Never looked back! 

 

16 hours ago, Fifree said:

Saves a fortune and saves space at home cos I already have a million books.

Right there with you, we have more books than bookcase space to put them. I've tried to go through the shelves and pare down, but that's a guaranteed way for me to get distracted very fast.

[littlebird]

Not sure what's going on with my Gabapentin! The manufacturer of the pills hasn't changed, but since filling this latest prescription of it there's something different. Not even talking emotionally, although maybe. When I break out my kitchen chemistry set to make the liquid, I've been noticing that the powder is gumming up and then solidifying in the water and turning into hard chunks that are hard to break up.

 

What is happening?? I'm guessing a filler changed? This is frustrating.

[FireflyFyte]

18 minutes ago, littlebird said:

What is happening?? I'm guessing a filler changed? This is frustrating.

 

You have not had great luck with manufacturer changes recently - I am sorry that it continues. I realized yesterday that my Gabapentin manufacturer was different but so far it is dissolving OK in the liquid solution that I make.

[littlebird]

 

18 minutes ago, FireflyFyte said:

You have not had great luck with manufacturer changes recently - I am sorry that it continues.

Even when the manufacturer is the same, it's wild! About to run out of the old formulation of Wellbutrin and take a pill that's smaller, shinier, and smells weird. Can't wait to be off these! Life has been rocked by the choices of random drug company people, it'll be nice to be off of 'em. How have you been?

[littlebird]

I'm trying to become a Person Who Makes Plans. It's hard, I get anxious when I suggest anything to friends - even just meeting up for tea near our homes. Why is it so hard?! Dating was easier than making and fostering friendships.

 

Ahhhhh like asking for a cool person's number cause you like them and want to be friends?? Maybe it's cause I've been out of the dating game for a hot minute, but I remember it being a lot easier to plan a date with a cutie than is is to suggest a friend hang. Pushing through, cause fostering community is a big life goal for me. Also fully chickening out, cause it's easier to hide and work from home than suggest on this particular day. 😅 It can be a long term goal. 

[littlebird]

58 minutes ago, littlebird said:

The manufacturer of the pills hasn't changed, but since filling this latest prescription of it there's something different.

I would love to have a journalist get into this. Any of y'all blessed souls on this site? What is happening with psych med generics in this country, and is it happening to all generic medications? I wish I had the time and gumption to utilize the Sunshine Act and/or Freedom of Information Act and file some ****.

[littlebird]

Dangit, finished all the easy work tasks and now have the harder ones to grapple. Between cPTSD being reactivated, generic changes, and post-viral cognition issues, I just can't function the way I once did. I miss how my brain once worked, I took it for granted at the time. Kinda driving me up a wall that I can't get health professionals to take me seriously, last one interrupted me to say how well-spoken I was and how smart I seemed, so it wasn't that bad. Then I took the MoCa test for dementia, which really seems like it doesn't apply here, but gave them more of a reason to say, "See? You're fine."

 

Fingers crossed my neuroplasticity is hard at work and I'm stabilizing and healing. I wish I could hibernate like a bear for a few months and reset myself, but stopping is not an option.

 

If daily life is this hard, it's really got me re-evaluating if I want to do this weekly deep-dive into trauma I just signed myself up for. Thus far, it's been destabilizing at an already unstable time and I'm seriously thinking I need to just not do this right now. I don't want to fail my inner child, who needs to talk about this stuff, but also that inner child needs some serious parenting right now and I don't know if I'd put a kid in this emotional shape into trauma bootcamp. 

[littlebird]

🕯️ Kept a promise I made to myself, which makes me feel proud for following through

🥳 Got some good news recently!

🍫 Been comfort-fooding the heck outta the Trader Joe's chocolate-mint holiday line, this year especially my inner child is appreciating some cookies

🕊️ Super grateful I started down the compassion road, it's easier these days to function without being such a meanie internally!

📖 Reading before falling asleep has been a fantastic way to wind down

🎶 Been dancing a lot more lately, feels like it's helping to move emotions/energy

🌱 Got some cool plants that attract hummingbirds, looking forward to finding nice places for them to live

🧽 About to go wash the dishes and clean the counters after writing this. I don't always have the energy to do this before bed, but I appreciate in the morning when I do. A gift to my Monday morning self to rally a lil energy and get to it. 😤 

🎨 Talking myself into tackling a creative project at work that has me a little intimidated, gonna be like the Little Engine that Could and tell myself, "I think I can, I think I can," and give it a go tomorrow. 

🧺 I find laundry to be a soothing, satisfying task; currently listening to our little washer chugging away, knowing we're going to have fresh, clean sheets soon.

💚 I'm so grateful for my partner. They're a sweet lil earth angel and I love them so much!

🥰 So blessed to have a warm, cozy home and a well-blanketed bed to snuggle into tonight.

❤️ Grateful to Carmie for getting a gratitude practice back on my radar and inspiring this regular list-making. It changes my mindset to sit down and think of what makes me happy.

[j1290]

Happy Thanksgiving, LB!  How's things?  

[littlebird]

On 11/23/2023 at 9:58 AM, j1290 said:

How's things?

It's a beautiful sunny day and I have some plants to get in the ground - life is good. How you doing, man?

[littlebird]

I'm starting to wonder if I need to get off Gabapentin, it's been affecting respiration. Makes sense: every time other meds have been changed, how Gabapentin affects me changes too.

 

As someone with cPTSD/anxiety, I'm afraid of lowering something that helps with anxiety... but also it does seem like my body is telling me that it's too much? Might be a good one to lower at the very least, and honestly not having to mess with liquid would make my life much easier.

 

There's also a chance that less Gabapentin would mean less brain fog/concentration issues? With Pristiq and Wellbutrin being "uppers," I'm worried about getting too anxious. I guess I'm just "thinking out loud" and will have to figure things out as I go! If there's one thing I've learned about making tapering plans as a polydrugged person, it's that anything can happen to change those plans. 🤣

[littlebird]

🌈 Had no idea how much being closeted was affecting my mental health till I was out in the sun! So grateful that I live in a time where I can be me.

🍄 Went on some great hikes, there are mushrooms popping up after recent rain and saw some cool animals and birds

🕊️ So grateful to be feeling more connected to the ones I love these days, those meds were building invisible walls. Makes me hopeful I'll feel even more connected on less/none of these

🎨 Had an unexpected strike of creativity this weekend, it was fun to get lost in the flow!

🌱 Enjoying my lil plants growing 🥰

💚 Had a great time with friends this weekend

[littlebird]

Mornings before Pristiq: A lil groggy from still waking up, but pretty good

After Pristiq: Often a little anxious

After Gabapentin: Concentration becomes more difficult

After Wellbutrin: Anxious, sometimes a little tired (paradoxically or from interaction?)

After 2nd Gabapentin: Even harder to concentrate

After 2nd Wellbutrin: Helps cut through the fatigue to help me through the evening tasks, but can make me anxious

After 3rd Gabapentin: Hard to get anything done

 

Seems like I'm an overmedicated ball of yikes! All I can do is hold, stabilize, roll with generic changes, hold, stabilize, slowly taper, rinse, repeat. I feel better on a lower dose of all these suckers, that's for sure... just gotta keep pushing through and going slowly. Slow and steady wins this race!

[littlebird]

Gabapentin is hitting much harder since switching to the generic Seroquel. Makes sense, each taper in the past has made Gabapentin hit like a ton of bricks. Can't wait to be off these! Maybe I need to move Gabapentin to the top of the taper list?

[littlebird]

Today in Uncommon Mental Health Metrics: There are some years I look at my Spotify Wrapped for the year and think, "This feels like a red flag," but I'm happy to report this year I listened to more energetic, empowered music. 

[littlebird]

Gabapentin really has to stop being handed out like candy for off-label purposes, especially in combination with other drugs. The way it interacts with all of these other pills I'm on is mind-boggling.

[littlebird]

🌺 My wildflowers are budding!

🌈 Was able to be there for a friend having a tough time, been enjoying chatting more with people I love

💖 Had a good heart to heart with my partner last night

☀️ Took my dog's lead and sat in the sun for a bit, it was nice!

🖌️ Worked on design, which is always fun

⚡️ Been enjoying a fun project in my evenings

🕊️ Saw some cool birds today!

🐾 When it gets chilly this time of year, my pup snuggles with us a lot more and it's been nice 🥰

[littlebird]

🪴 Repotted some plants, always nice to dig into some soil

🪡 Been playing around with textile art, it's a pleasant way to get cozy and rest up a bit as it gets dark earlier

🛏️ Put some clean sheets on the bed and put some lavender essential oils on my pillow, gonna be nice to head to bed later

🧺 Got to some laundry I've been meaning to get done, proud of myself for remembering before running out of clean clothes

🐾 Snuggled my pup earlier

🧽 Partner washed the lion's share of dishes and left just a few to soak a bit longer, it'll be a snap to clean up the sink tonight!

🧦 Got some soft new socks that are very warm

🧥 Found a coat hanging up I hadn't worn in awhile, always fun to shop the closet!

🌈 Inspiration has been striking, it's been such a relief to get back into creativity just for the fun of it

💍 Was looking at wedding photos and reminiscing about how magical it was, so grateful for my person

👓 Gonna get some new glasses before the end of the year! Thinking about playing with style a bit and getting funky, I always admire people with unusual eyewear choices 

[littlebird]

Especially since changing back to generic Seroquel (which seems to be a lower dose effectively compared to brand name), Gabapentin is affecting my respiration. It feels like after each dose I'm suddenly at a high altitude and deep breaths ain't hittin' like they should.

 

Doctors are quick to say to simply CT it, but I know from research that seizures (among other terrible WD issues) have been known to stop on cessation. When my GP insisted I halve my dose last year it made my lose my damn mind and have increased nerve pain. 

[littlebird]

I've been wondering why I feel more focused and productive at night, and there could be a lot of reasons why I suppose, but I started wondering if it's the half-life of Pristiq. When it wears off, do I feel better? If that is what this is, could mean it's an easy switch to IR when the time comes. Been taking these windows with both hands, and then end up working late cause half the team is in Europe so we briefly sync up. I'm grateful for the window, but also I don't think working late is great for sleep or mood the next day.

[littlebird]

⭐️ Grateful to my body and brain for healing and adjusting

🌿 Glad I listened to my gut feeling that I was on too many meds and they were making things worse

🦋 Since planting more flowers and putting out hummingbird feeders, I've been seeing so many cute pollinators

🪁 Been letting myself "blue sky brainstorm" more instead of always imposing reality, how can we ever grow if we don't let ourselves imagine it now and again?

🍇 Had some delicious grapes recently, so grateful to be more recovered from anorexia and able to enjoy food

📕 Been reading up a storm lately, really enjoying getting back to my bookworm roots.

🧶 Really enjoying textile art, it's a great cozy activity as it gets chilly outside

🌙 The moon has been so pretty! Have you looked at the moon lately?

🧩 I started thinking about how organizing the house is a bit like a puzzle, just finding where the many pieces go. Here's hoping I can start to solve this puzzle! The mindset change has helped, as has removing morality from clutter from How to Keep House While Drowning. That chapter made me cry!

🌀 Brain fog is easing!

👩🏽‍🦼 Have you noticed how much more diverse representation in media there is these days? Keep an eye out, it's great to see. 

[Poppy745]

17 hours ago, littlebird said:

I've been wondering why I feel more focused and productive at night, and there could be a lot of reasons why I suppose, but I started wondering if it's the half-life of Pristiq. When it wears off, do I feel better? If that is what this is, could mean it's an easy switch to IR when the time comes. Been taking these windows with both hands, and then end up working late cause half the team is in Europe so we briefly sync up. I'm grateful for the window, but also I don't think working late is great for sleep or mood the next day.

@littlebird I always feel so much better the later into the evening it gets. It has been like this since I was in cold turkey. I really hope these windows will stay all day soon. I am glad you are getting some windows. They feel so good don't they. 🌼

[littlebird]

2 hours ago, Poppy745 said:

I am glad you are getting some windows. They feel so good don't they. 🌼

They feel amazing! Wish I could schedule them or find a way to bring them on. How have you been?