littlebird: tried tapering Pristiq - will try tapering Wellbutrin instead

[littlebird]

Med log:

7am - Woke up earlier than usual (loud neighbors), feeling grumps on 6 hours of sleep 

10:30am - Forcing myself to eat some oatmeal before Med Time (anorexia also loud today)

11am - Took Gabapentin + Wellbutrin

11:45am - Here comes the increased heart-rate! My hands feel a little shaky too, I was feeling so much better before taking meds

12:45pm - Anxiety keeps rising and my hands are trembling. Eating lunch, anorexia be damned. Pristiq needs a place to land!

1pm - Pristiq time, strapping myself in for this ride.

2pm - Restless and anxious

2:30pm - Anxiety keeps rising, white knuckling today

3pm - So tense! Chain-smoking. (I know, bad coping skill)

5pm - Gabapentin (full dose, being more thoughtful and prepared)

7pm - Took partner out to dinner at a delicious local taco spot, anorexia is no match for that level of yum

8:30pm - Feeling the positive effects of taking the full dose of Gabapentin, or maybe I’m too tired to be too anxious? Feeling a bit blue; lonesome and sad. Discouraged at the mountains yet to climb

 

Morning:

Eating is hard today, anorexia is really on the rise lately. I’ve come a VERY long way in my recovery, but it still hits hard sometimes. Looking back on things, getting mugged definitely spiked the anorexia. Textbook: eating disorder exacerbated by feeling out of control.

 

Afternoon:

Work feels like an uphill slog today and it’s hard to focus. I have so many tasks that it’s easy to get distracted by another thing that needs to get done! Incredibly grateful for this replacement laptop. If something was going to be stolen, glad it was something covered by work. I miss working on the front porch, I used to see so many birds out there while typing away. Not safe, though.

 

Checking things off the to-do list! A neighbor sharing the backyard made me a mug of herbal tea that’s relaxing. Maybe I need to try counteracting the anxiety with herbs, I used to make a lot of herbal tea blends. Time to get back into the herb cupboard and see what I calls me. 

 

Evening:

Partner has to work, I don’t have the energy to join them in that. I’d like to take their cue and hop in, sometimes do in the evenings. My mind feels foggy and sleepy and I don’t even want to stand long enough to do dishes. Oh!! I didn’t get enough sleep last night, glad I logged that. Well, that makes sense. 

 

I used to overwork, as we’ve talked about on here, and I also need to prioritize rest. Easier said than done!

 

Future littlebird of tomorrow morning would seriously appreciate it if I could push through and do some dishes. Doesn’t feel so good to wake up and make tea around dirty dishes! Gonna try and power through and clean the kitchen, tomorrow me will have a better morning if I do.

[littlebird]

Mentioned feeling lonesome earlier, and ended up having a long and lovely chat with a neighbor who is going through it with a teenager (you’re not alone, @Thorin). I always thought he didn’t like me much, this neighbor, as he always kept to himself.

 

He opened up big time tonight and shared that he’s wanted to get to know me and my partner better, but has been going through it, hasn’t been up to trying to connect to people, and has been keeping to himself. I opened up in turn and let him know he wasn’t alone in going through it, and we’re here for him.

 

Ah, good ole Midwest Medicine: a good chat. Made me think how nice it’s been to chat with y’all on here, and how healing a good talk with someone can be, in person or anonymously online. Really grateful for everyone here. Also made me realize I tend to think the worst (I’ve annoyed this person, they don’t like me, etc), and in this case, it wasn’t that. We can’t tell what’s going on in people, especially the tough ones, and it’s not always what it seems.

 

While I’m chatting away, @ShepI can’t thank you enough for alerting me to the interactions between my meds. My life has changed for the better with spacing them out in a schedule, and I’ve been able to pinpoint how each med makes me feel in a much more nuanced way than I ever would have been able to before. The fog I was in for years started to clear when I used your schedule.

 

Y’all are saving lives here, thank you for your time and effort with all us rascals (and ramblers like me). Seriously, saving lives: I have family members who died from the effects of psych meds on their bodies over the course of years (kidney damage from lithium). It never sat right with me when doctors or my parents told me, “We have to take these, you’ll have to take them your whole life. That’s just your genes, you need to be medicated to live.”

 

My parents will likely be on meds for the rest of their lives, they’ve totally bought in to the chemical imbalance theory. Thank you for helping me figure out another way to live! I’ve felt more hope for the future since finding this resource than ever before, and I feel more in control of my body and destiny. Thank you a thousand times over! 

[Altostrata]

22 hours ago, littlebird said:

He prescribed 75mg IR Wellbutrin (mail-ordered, should be here within the week if I'm lucky). He suggested I take half a pill "1-2 times a day to see if that helps with withdrawal."

 

If you're taking 100mg Wellbutin XR per day, the conversion would be to 50mg twice a day. Going to 37.5mg twice a day might indeed be rocky, since it could cause withdrawal symptoms. He truly has no common sense.

 

On the other hand:

 

13 hours ago, littlebird said:

11am - Took Gabapentin + Wellbutrin

11:45am - Here comes the increased heart-rate! My hands feel a little shaky too, I was feeling so much better before taking meds

12:45pm - Anxiety keeps rising and my hands are trembling.

 

You are having an adverse reaction to the Wellbutrin or gabapentin or both. Taking 37.5mg rather than 100mg in the morning might reduce this.

 

(This is why we advise not taking multiple psychiatric drugs at the same time -- we cannot tell where subsequent adverse effects come from. Further, Wellbutrin is an "accelerator" and gabapentin is a "brake", it makes no sense to take them together.)

 

Typically, too much Wellbutrin causes symptoms of nervousness, anxiety, sleeplessness, and lack of appetite. It is absolutely the wrong drug for a person with a history of anorexia.

 

Adding Pristiq to this is similarly clueless. Plus, you may be getting a paradoxical reaction -- activation -- from the unnecessary gabapentin.

[littlebird]

12 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

If you're taking 100mg Wellbutin XR per day, the conversion would be to 50mg twice a day. Going to 37.5mg twice a day might indeed be rocky, since it could cause withdrawal symptoms. He truly has no common sense.

Thank you so, so, so much for your expertise. I started crying in relief, to be honest, because I knew in my gut he was wrong, but hadn’t been able to work out the math for myself in the tapering Wellbutrin thread. I’ll be adding to my scale time, this time with tablets I’m guessing. Maybe I should get a very sharp blade, my pill cutter does a sloppy job.

 

14 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

This is why we advise not taking multiple psychiatric drugs at the same time -- we cannot tell where subsequent adverse effects come from. Further, Wellbutrin is an "accelerator" and gabapentin is a "brake", it makes no sense to take them together.

Oh, I get it!!! Okay, I’m thinking I should take Gabapentin first since anxiety has been my biggest issue lately. Then maybe the Wellbutrin won’t hit so hard, if I’m already under the effects of the Gabapentin. Does this sound correct?

 

16 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Typically, too much Wellbutrin causes symptoms of nervousness, anxiety, sleeplessness, and lack of appetite. It is absolutely the wrong drug for a person with a history of anorexia.

Furthering my fury with the doctors I’ve worked with! I’ve been VERY upfront about anorexia and my desire to avoid appetite suppressants. I should have done my own research before starting Wellbutrin, but I had a blind trust in the prescribers at that time.

 

The same guy put me on stimulants for ADHD, something I fought for months due to the addictive nature I’ve seen play out in others, and the appetite suppressing effects. I had to stop taking those, his solution to the panic attacks I was having on the days I took those was to add in a daily benzo to counteract the stimulant. When I brought up that taking benzos daily, then stopping, could kill someone, he shrugged and said, “Don’t stop,” and when I brought up the addictive nature of them, he insisted a low dose wouldn’t be addicting. DUMB.

 

I had to stop seeing him, but not before he threw Pristiq into the mix! I was originally on 50mg of it, but that was INTENSELY bad for me. I managed the 25mg better, and it might have been what I needed to pull me out of the hole of depression I was in at that time, but I wish he’d just replaced the Wellbutrin with it, not added to it.

[littlebird]

1 minute ago, littlebird said:

23 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Typically, too much Wellbutrin causes symptoms of nervousness, anxiety, sleeplessness, and lack of appetite. It is absolutely the wrong drug for a person with a history of anorexia.

Furthering my fury with the doctors I’ve worked with!

More memories of this doctor got unlocked as I thought about that time. I told him that the stimulants were making it hard to eat anything at all, and I was restricting food a dangerous amount. When I asked about stopping the adderall and lowering either or both of the Wellbutrin and Pristiq, he started lecturing me, “Anorexia has the highest death rate of any mental illness, and I’m not going to consider lowering any of these meds until you get that under control.”

 

He’s right, eating disorders have the highest death rate, but like… he was making mine worse with this med combo, and refusing to listen when I was telling him it was making things worse. He then flipped all responsibility on me to get it together and get over the eating disorder before he would lower any of the meds actively making the eating disorder worse. What a quack!

 

Ooh, I’m getting heated thinking about it and I can’t believe I just kept taking all of these for so long when the prescriber wasn’t hearing what I was telling him. Every doctor after him just kept the cocktail going, or suggested adding a new one into the mix.

[Altostrata]

59 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Then maybe the Wellbutrin won’t hit so hard, if I’m already under the effects of the Gabapentin.

 

I have no idea if this change in schedule will lessen the adverse effects of Wellbutrin. Maybe.

[littlebird]

Log is forthcoming, but I’m having such a weird day I wanted to… I don’t know, maybe connect with someone who understands about it. Med stuff is WEIRD, as is mental health faltering. An anorexia relapse has me in it’s teeth.

 

Morning

Got more sleep today. That should help a lot, especially since it’s a busy day and likely to be a long one.

 

Anorexia was already loud, but yesterday I grabbed a pair of pants… and they didn’t button. I don’t weigh myself (anymore, it was a recovery goal to stop), so while I suspected I had put on some pounds, I wasn’t sure if that was just body dysmorphia or reality. I know gaining weight isn’t a big deal, but anorexia is trying to ramp it up to “help me control this.”

 

It was incredibly hard to eat today, even after working out a little and getting hungry. I started trying early, to meet my 11am med time, and my body was putting up a real fight. Finally got enough food in me to take Gabapentin, then got increasingly foggy as it hit. Ate a bigger lunch than usual, so not having the Wellbutrin suppressing my appetite was a very good thing.

 

Afternoon

Gabapentin making me groggy bordering on sleepy and stoned. There are strange sounds in the neighborhood, strange music and and incessantly ringing bell, like someone is having a ceremony. Okay, someone just started throat singing. Never heard anything like this before, let alone in my backyard. Combined with the Gabapentin “high,” it’s otherworldly. I almost feel like I took a low dose of psychelics, this Gabapentin is hitting.

 

My brain isn’t up to most tasks on this list right now, I’m drugged as heck. Luckily I had some graphic design to do, which I’m still figuring out, so I got to play around with images and let myself figure it out without being too hard on myself. Good fit for Gabapentin Brain, because very little creativity is involved at this point. Y’all, I’m messed up on Gabapentin without Wellbutrin coming in next to it. I don’t have the words to tell you how drugged I feel right now.

 

I’m struggling with the fact that I have so many things to do, and I’m drugged as heck. It’s not my fault, and maybe I can give myself a break on the tough talk on this weird Friday. 

 

What would I tell a friend? I’d say, “Meet yourself where you’re at, and be kind and encouraging. Find something you can do, and instead of saying, ‘Not enough,’ focus on positive reinforcement and positive self-talk.”

 

I’m so frustrated with how drugged I feel that I started crying, a rarity for me. I have the backyard to myself on this sunny day, the strange music has stopped and I can hear birds again. I’m going to let the tears flow as long as they need to.

 

A hummingbird just buzzed through, reminding me I need to refill their feeders. Maybe I can practice what I preach and give myself a break today. I didn’t know Gabapentin by itself would make me feel this way, or I wouldn’t have committed to working today. 

 

A benefit of being Gabapentin-stoned is that music is hitting super hard as I work on these images. I’d usually multi-task, and try to learn something while I work on this, but I’m letting my stoned brain focus on just making images pretty and enjoying the music.

 

Later afternoon

As the Wellbutrin kicks in, I get increasingly anxious. Got mail directly from the post office, and I’m missing a lot of stuff, so some of my things were in the mail that got stolen. Haven’t seen the mailman since the third robbery, hopefully he’s taking some time off to recover. I was shaken up from one robbery, can’t imagine three in one month. Hoping the Wellbutrin IR will come through the USPS safely.

 

As the Wellbutrin kicks in, the simple errands I was going to run are seeming daunting. Damn, I’m anxious as hell. This doesn’t feel good! My hands are shaking, and I’m sweating despite being a bit chilly.

[Altostrata]

You're having a series of adverse drug reactions.

[littlebird]

20 hours ago, Altostrata said:

You're having a series of adverse drug reactions.

I surely was!!! I can't believe how big of a reaction I had separating the Gabapentin from the Wellbutrin. The Gabapentin hit way too hard, then the Wellbutrin hit way too hard and I got physically ill. I had no idea taking those together was mediating the adverse effects of taking too much of both. 

 

Friday, January 27th
9am - Woke up in an ocean of night-sweat, but got around 8 hours of sleep last night; improvement
10am - Uh oh, anorexia at a recent high and can’t manage even a mouthful of food
11am - Anorexia really messing with me, when it’s time to eat food my stomach turns at the thought. Hasn’t been this bad in YEARS. It’s med time, but I need food.
11:45am - Holy hell, that was an anorexia battle; managed a few mouthfuls of breakfast then got Gabapentin in there ASAP. I know it’s late and I’m off-schedule now, but I was really, really trying to get it in at 11. This is officially a very bad ED relapse. I’m doing very poorly! Will be talking to therapist about this next time.
12:30pm - Managed a decent sized lunch! With Gabapentin only, I feel SO much more relaxed than I usually do this time of day
1pm - Feeling much more relaxed than usual, love this. What a good sign that getting rid of the Wellbutrin will be a good thing!
1:30pm - The more the Gabapentin kicked in, the more bombed out I became. I am relaxed, but becoming increasingly groggy and out of it. I feel drugged. Alto, I see what you mean about this being too much Gabapentin. I feel high, and not in a fun way.
2pm - I feel stoned on Gabapentin without the activating effects of Wellbutrin coming in at the same time. You know, the same thing happened yesterday when I took 150mg instead of a few days of 100mg in the early evening, I got stoned-feeling and giggly shortly after. Dizzy too, I thought it was because I was hungry, but ate a big healthy lunch today and am still dizzy as hell. It’s like I took an edible, the effects of Gabapentin without Wellbutrin perking me up. Just took Wellbutrin, we’ll see what happens. Weird feeling.
3pm - The Wellbutrin is making me feel like an anxious mess, hands shaking and I’m cold yet sweaty. The sweating is not normal for me, and I’m realizing my muscles are stiff and trembling as I sit here. I’m very tightly wound up.
3:15pm - I’m starting to feel so anxious that I’m nauseous, and the dizziness is only getting worse. As is the shakiness and sweating. Can’t believe what a difference spacing these drugs out had on me. I need to clock out and go lie down.
3:30pm - Usually I can’t nap, and I didn’t think I would at first. I felt so dizzy that I just had to lie down, muscles still tense, twitching every now and again. Then I passed out and ended up sleeping for over an hour, unusual for me.
5pm - Woke up still feeling very off, past Pristiq time and late for an event, and felt that as med-sick as I was all day, had to skip the Pristiq. Took 100mg of Gabapentin instead of 150mg because I had a big evening ahead and needed to stay sharp. Not a good day to be so sick from meds.

5:30pm - Had to be out and about, pretending to be a normal human who hadn't been medsick all day. 100mg of Gabapentin was a good choice to be functional, but as it kicked in I felt increasingly "stoned" on it. 

 

Saturday, January 28th
11:30am - Slept late after late night, took while to get up and started, ate breakfast/lunch, took 100mg capsule of Gabapentin while I figure out tapering math for the rest of the dose
12pm - did the math, measured out a 10% lower dose than I took yesterday to see if that mediates the drugged feeling I got taking it without Wellbutrin yesterday. I need to figure that out, I can’t get that bombed on Gabapentin and do my job. I felt like I took a sedative or a high dose of a THC edible as the Gabapentin kept hitting yesterday, it was so strong without the Wellbutrin.

 

We’ll see how this goes today! With the strong effect it had on me, I'm wondering if going lower than 10% might help. I have today and tomorrow to figure out how not to be stoned as all get out on Gabapentin at work on Monday. I need this job, and I can't be that messed up on Gabapentin if I'm going to get things done. We'll see if this 10% taper on the Gabapentin will help me be less drugged-feeling.
 

[Altostrata]

Please add the time you take each of your and their dosages to your daily notes. I am having trouble seeing your dosage schedule in the narrative.

[littlebird]

5 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Please add the time you take each of your and their dosages to your daily notes. I am having trouble seeing your dosage schedule in the narrative.

Tried to clean it up, is this better?

 

Saturday, January 28th
12pm - Slept late (late night last night). Measured out a 10% lower dose of Gabapentin than I took yesterday to see if that mediates the drugged feeling I got taking it without Wellbutrin
3pm - Took half the tab of Wellbutrin, as it made me very ill yesterday at full strength. Fell asleep in the car on the way to a hike, SUPER unusual. Wellbutrin not kicked in yet
3:15 - Fell asleep in car again, very odd for me, also weird I took a nap yesterday. I’m drugged.
4pm - Wellbutrin has kicked in, but I feel better than I did with the lower dose. Still very activated
5:30pm - Got home from long hike, forgot to bring pills to take Pristiq, taking it now. Feeling foggy, also irritable and numbed out emotionally
6pm - Starting to feel a little wired while making dinner, getting a headache and getting very thirsty
7pm - Ate dinner, started to feel a bit odd (Wellbutrin IR leaving system or Pristiq coming in or both?)
8pm - I fell asleep on the couch. I’ve now fallen asleep three times today, and usually never nap. Pristiq making me feel more drugged than Gabapentin did, and Gabapentin made me feel high as a kite. Feels like I’m on strong sedatives. I'm so tired I want to go to bed, but usually go to bed around midnight. 

9:30pm - Fighting sleep, so tired. It’s probably safe to take Seroquel soon. Slept through evening Gabapentin time. Too close to Seroquel time to take it now. What a mess these two days have been.
 

Notes

Gabapentin hits me like a ton of bricks without Wellbutrin being taken at same time! Wellbutrin without Gabapentin made me so tense and sweaty I got twitchy and nauseous yesterday. Smaller dose today (to avoid getting sick again) helped.

 

Pristiq, perhaps since the Wellbutrin left my system earlier than usual because of the SR pill being cut and becoming IR, hit me like anesthesia. These interactions were disguising the strong effects each of these is having on me. Can't believe I was taking them all together in the morning for YEARS! 

 

I'm so tired, I might go to bed four hours early. Maybe I'll try to push through, see if the drugged feeling that came on after taking Pristiq will fade. So. Flipping. Tired. My partner pointed out how downright weird it is I napped yesterday, then fell asleep three separate times today. I usually never, ever nap. Can't fall asleep if I try, so partner a little concerned about how drugged I am. I'm speaking slowly, almost slurred. My tongue feels big and heavy.

 

What the heck is wrong with me? I'm not having a stroke, am I? Ha, that fearful thought woke me up a little. Adrenaline, which is fading and my eyes won't stay open. I feel like I got dosed with something serious, but I know I didn't take anything unusual. Strange two days.

[littlebird]

11pm - Feels like the sedation feeling is passing, I wasn’t sure about taking sedating Seroquel or Gabapentin when I felt that messed up. NOW it feels safe to take Seroquel. Just took it, off to bed.

[littlebird]

Noisy neighbors woke me up early again, I'm groggy and angry/irritable. I'd been taking Wellbutrin and Gabapentin at 11 together, but separating them is making me wonder if I need to start the Gabapentin earlier?

 

A more strict sleep schedule would help, but that isn't possible at this time. I feel strangely hungover, as if I drank a lot of alcohol yesterday, which I didn't. What is going on with me? These past 2 days have been awful.

[littlebird]

Question: I am having a HUGE Gabapentin problem! I am high as a kite taking 150mg Gabapentin without Wellbutrin. Altostrata, thank you for alerting me to that interaction. I am over-medicated and not functional now that Wellbutrin isn't hitting me at the same time as the Gabapentin, and this is greatly affecting my ability to work.

 

Taking time off is not an option, so I am feeling pressure to figure this out now and have a new plan for tomorrow as I can't start Monday off taking 150mg and being messed up/sedated at work: as much as this is affecting me, they are going to think I have a drug problem. My partner is concerned at how sedated I am, and other people have assumed I've been drinking or taking recreational drugs. It's noticeable, and I can't take a sick day tomorrow. I need to figure this out.

 

I don't know how I'm going to work tomorrow on this high dose, and I need to be functional. Since I'm on 300mg a day, currently 150mg 2x, could I maybe mediate this by instead taking 100mg 3x a day?

 

If Gabapentin really is safe to take on an empty stomach, I could maybe move it up and take 100mg in the morning, another somewhere in the Pristiq/Wellbutrin activation/anxiety hellscape that is my afternoon/early evening, then the 3rd late evening, spaced out from Seroquel?

[Altostrata]

3 hours ago, littlebird said:

could I maybe mediate this by instead taking 100mg 3x a day?

 

you might try this

 

3 hours ago, littlebird said:

If Gabapentin really is safe to take on an empty stomach, I could maybe move it up and take 100mg in the morning

 

You'll have to look up taking gabapentin on an empty stomach.

[littlebird]

16 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

You'll have to look up taking gabapentin on an empty stomach.

 

I looked it up earlier and found a forum that’s the complete opposite of this one: Gabapentin fans talking about how to make the Gabapentin highs higher. It showed up in search results because of posts about how taking Gabapentin on an empty stomach makes people feel its effects more strongly. I got my answer from that: taking it on an empty stomach will increase the stoned effects I’m trying to avoid. 

 

This is going to involve tackling the eating disorder even more. In theory, sounds so easy to have a small breakfast with my morning tea, but anorexia has me by the throat lately. New treatment goal: eat earlier. 😤

[littlebird]

I had a helluva tough 3 days, and remembered @Carmie’s delightful gratitude lists. I could use a shift in attitude to gratitude, let me see what I got:

 

- I’m grateful for this community, both the expert help and the kindness of internet strangers

- I’ve been chatting with people more, and I noticed I’m reaching out to people more and being much more proactive since reducing Gabapentin. I was numb/frozen in a lot of ways

- Flowers are blooming more and more!

- My dog is really cute, and has been extra cuddly in the cold weather

- Went for a lovely hike yesterday, and while I was out in nature, painted for the first time in awhile. Lost myself in the flow of playing with color with the birds singing, and it was the happiest I’ve been in a really long time

- Got a $20 pair of Bluetooth headphones to wear around town, so if I lost one I wouldn’t care, and was astounded to discover they have better sound quality than any other headphones I’ve ever tried (and I’m a bit picky about my music/headphones). I’d drop a link, but they’re corner store knockoffs. 😇 We’ll see how long they last! How do cheap headphones sound so good? This bass, and active noise cancellation? For $20? What’s the catch??

- My black eye is healing up fast! There was some deep bruising, but I’ve been feeling my heartbeat all around it, and the orbital bone isn’t as tender today, so circulation is moving all that along

- Gave my partner a haircut, something we started during quarantine days. It feels like a nice way to take care of them (and give them little kisses and tell them they’re cute while I trim)

- For being so messed up on meds, I got a things done today. Going to give myself credit, I pushed through despite feeling like trash! 

 

[j1290]

That sounds like a heckuva great day despite not feeling well, littlebird!  

[littlebird]

26 minutes ago, j1290 said:

That sounds like a heckuva great day despite not feeling well, littlebird!

 

Thanks, friend! Doing what I can. Even though the med stuff currently makes me feel like I’m on an hour to hour rollercoaster, it does feel good to figure out pieces of this drug cocktail puzzle and keep my healing journey directionally correct. Hope your weekend was tops!

[j1290]

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

Even though the med stuff currently makes me feel like I’m on an hour to hour rollercoaster, it does feel good to figure out pieces of this drug cocktail puzzle and keep my healing journey directionally correct.

You said it all.  It's an hour to hour rollercoaster, and I read that the mind likes predictability.  The hardest part of this whole thing for me has been figuring out how to do it.  It's been 100% worth it, though.  

 

Did you drop from 100 mg SR to 50 mg IR?  That sounds like it might bump.  I know it gets weird with drug interactions and whatnot.  Bupropion is really tricky.     

[littlebird]

44 minutes ago, j1290 said:

You said it all.  It's an hour to hour rollercoaster, and I read that the mind likes predictability.

 

Maybe that’s why I’ve wanted to only rewatch shows I’ve seen before… I’m seeking predictability. 

 

44 minutes ago, j1290 said:

It's been 100% worth it, though. 

 

Oh my gosh, yes!!! Just the positive effects I’ve had so far from figuring out interactions has completely changed my life. Do you ever worry you won’t be the same person with med changes? What if no one likes me anymore? 😅🥺 

 

Terrible anxiety to have. I almost posted in the Relationships section, “Do you ever worry after you get off meds you’ll be irrevocably different & unlovable,” but it was too real and I was afraid people would say, “That’s crazy,” or “That’s a you problem, mang.”

 

I’m having to accept that part of this process is Completely Losing My Mind occasionally, and that’s okay, that’s part of it. Then I process what made me feel like I went off the rails, do some internal work, and keep going. Yikes, it’s hard. I see why people choose the Numb 4 Life route.

 

44 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Did you drop from 100 mg SR to 50 mg IR?  That sounds like it'll bump.  I know it gets weird with drug interactions and whatnot.  Bupropion is tricky. 

 

Yoooooo it’s been a weird couple days, man. Bump is the right word, because the 50mg hits me like a bump of cocaine (which I’ve done two whole times and hated, so this isn’t cool for me).

 

Then, it wears off as the Pristiq and Gabapentin come in, which made me fall asleep on the couch a bunch. I never nap, so this was super weird. I was sober, but speaking very slowly and it felt like I was slurring. My partner is Very Concerned. I will not be driving or riding my bike after a certain time of day until I figure this out! Not safe.

 

It is fun to feel super high as I listen to music in these dope knockoffs in the backyard, but a neighbor came out and my brain couldn’t Conversation to save my life. It’s like I took a bunch of edibles. Folks think I’m on fun drugs and I wish that was the case.

 

Wellbutrin SR was carrying me through what Pristiq and Gabapentin were doing to me, now it’s wild to feel how hard those hit without the activation of the Wellbutrin. Excited to see if 100mg vs 150 of the Gabapentin is manageable, hoping I figured out a puzzle piece with that and can work well tomorrow.

 

God, this is a trip. It helps a lot to talk about it with people who get it. No one in my life has been on this journey!

[littlebird]

Sunday, January 29th

9am - Woken up by neighbors, groggy/tired/angry (probably situational, not meds)

10am - Restless, pacing, didn’t want to take Gabapentin early & throw off schedule

10:30am - Feeling nauseated & anxious, not sure why

10:45am - Ate a small breakfast

11am - Took 150mg Gabapentin

12pm - Feeling foggy/out of it, trying to work & keep staring into space. Feels overmedicated

12:30pm - Ate lunch. Partner worried about how drugged I am. Feeling high

12:45 - Started to feel activated and anxious

1pm - Took 50mg Wellbutrin IR

1:30pm - Feeling activated, tense and oddly sweaty on this cold day

1:45pm - Fast heart-rate, agitated, hard to sit still, very anxious thoughts

2pm - The Wellbutrin effects without Gabapentin tempering it are too much. Need to taper ASAP, I hate this

2:30pm - Feeling shaky, too anxious/activated

2:45pm -Restless, then had a 15 minute window of focus & finishing tasks

3pm - Took 25mg Pristiq

3:30pm - Getting tired, slowing down, appetite coming back

3:45pm - Eating snack, Pristiq hits more intensely with IR Wellbutrin, not focusing

5pm - Took last 150mg Gabapentin capsule, will try 100mg 3x tomorrow

5:30pm - Gabapentin high, staring into space

6pm - Deeply emotional, crying

6:15pm - 150mg Gabapentin is officially Too Much for me, I’m high as a kite

7pm - Feeling a little more clear-headed, not hungry, but should be by now

 

Morning

Wow, Gabapentin is trippy without Wellbutrin. I always wondered what people were talking about when they said they got high on it. Now I get it, and it’s not for me. 

 

I’ve been struggling to work since it kicked in, scared that I’m going to mess up my job by taking the medication prescribed to me at a regular dose in the morning. My partner is worried about how sedated and sleepy I’ve been since separating Wellbutrin from Gabapentin.

 

I’m wondering if a solution would be to take the 300mg in 3 doses instead of 2. I gotta try something to be a functioning human for Monday morning work! This 150mg is unbelievably sedating. 

 

I’m stuck on this ride, and need to get some more work in today because rent is coming due, so I’m leaning into it listening to trippy music and doing some graphic design work that doesn’t require me stringing words together and trying to act like a normal person.

 

Afternoon

Switching from the trippy music that was helping me work while high on Gabapentin, as Wellbutrin kicks in I’m wanting to listen to music that has as high a BPM as my heart rate, but I’m too amped up to let a song finish, just keep flipping through while I try to rein in my brain and focus on work. This feels like Too Much Wellbutrin without Gabapentin being taken at the same time.

 

Evening

If my 100mg 3x a day plan works, this will be my last 150mg Gabapentin “high.” I decided to clock out, stop stressing about being productive, and enjoy listening to music. Might as well enjoy this last high dose, if tomorrow’s dose works for me! 

 

I finally understand what people were talking about with Gabapentin making them high, it was just interacting with other meds for me before so I didn’t get the feeling they talked about. 

 

Now that I’m not trying to work through it, this is kind of a fun high. Excited to see if I found a solution with the 3x a day dosing tomorrow! I can’t be this high at work and keep my job, yo.

 

Later in the evening, found myself staring into nothing in a Gabapentin stupor. I started thinking about how this isn’t a happy high like smoking weed, it’s an irritable high for me. I realized the chords in the music I was listening to were striking in my heart, and my eyes were filling with tears.

 

I felt an urge to log back into work and complete some more tasks. Run, don’t dwell on it, push past it, work through it, ignore the feeling.

 

Then I remembered talking to @j1290 about over-working as a trauma response and paused, “What am I avoiding?”

 

Pain, I’m avoiding emotional pain. The music is stirring and evocative, and I feel waves of grief rising and falling, making tears fill my eyes but not spill. Why is it so hard for me to cry?

 

My heart is breaking for all of us, and I get waves of anger at the over-medication of humanity’s societal ills. 

 

I didn’t need to start taking these drugs as a teen, I needed to get out of my abusive home. I needed to learn to stop repeating that abuse as an internal voice, which took me many more years than it did to physically leave the abusers behind.

 

I have a therapist, but it’s every 2-3 weeks, and I need to find somewhere to put all this pain. And, as much as/because I love y’all, it isn’t here. Trauma dumping isn’t going to happen, don’t worry, nor are any triggering details (if I can help it, I’ll do my best to avoid known land mines).

 

Perhaps this forum has finally shown me the beauty of journaling? I need to talk about what happened to me, and I think maybe writing might be a way. 

 

God, it hurts to revisit. I experienced unspeakable horrors as a child. How do I learn to speak them? I think between me and my journal, that’s a start. 

 

I don’t talk to a therapist enough to really dive into the ole cPTSD in detail. Perhaps if I journal I can find themes to bring to therapy, make the most of that rare time. I see him again this Friday! I loved our first session, and my partner pointed out it was the happiest and most hopeful I’ve ever been after a first session with someone. 

 

Part of me doesn’t want to get my hopes up too high, but there are really good signs that he’s a good fit for me and I do feel hopeful.

 

Dang, these knockoff headphones are (so to speak) legit. The basss… it’s really hitting the Gabapentin high. While earlier today I was shocked to find that forum devoted to Gabapentin highs, now I’m seeing why they chase this feeling. When I’m not trying to work, it’s dope. Still, I’d rather not!!

 

I guess it’s an unexpected benefit of med journey, eh? It’s been all nasty side effects up until now, and since moving my Wellbutrin Friday, I’ve been blasted. Free high! Music is hitting.

 

HOW was I taking such a high dose of this med and functioning?? Taking by itself at half the dose I was taking last year has me bombed out. Drug interactions are intense.

[littlebird]

What an essay I just posted. Clearly I am having lots of feelings. Looking forward to therapy on Friday to get some more out!

[j1290]

11 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Do you ever worry you won’t be the same person with med changes? What if no one likes me anymore? 😅🥺

I can't change how the meds affect my personality, but I can change myself(with a lot of help from my friends).  I think that having the meds out of the picture makes that more accessible.   If I were a betting man I'd say you'll be more fun than ever when you're off the meds.  

 

14 minutes ago, littlebird said:

because the 50mg hits me like a bump of cocaine (which I’ve done two whole times and hated, so this isn’t cool for me).

Yeah the IR is a real 4 letter word if you ask me LOL  Switching to that blasted me to the moon with side effects.  

17 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Then, it wears off as the Pristiq and Gabapentin come in, which made me fall asleep on the couch a bunch. I never nap, so this was super weird.

I had that happen when I took a certain prescription once.  At first I thought it was funny, then I realized uh oh this is not where it's at for me.  

18 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Folks think I’m on fun drugs and I wish that was the case.

I hear you.  After a lifetime of psych meds the last thing I want is to feel like I'm in an altered state, and that's all I do.  But seriously I've struggled with work conversations and whatnot, and I'm sure I said before my decision was to continue and my work would be good enough or it wouldn't.  I'm in california, so if somebody thinks I came to work high, well, it's not exactly unprecedented LOL  All I have to do is get a letter grade of "C" at my job and I'll pass.  I'm not out to be valedictorian of the office or employee of the month.  That said, it's been really hard to let go of wanting to excel.   

23 minutes ago, littlebird said:

now it’s wild to feel how hard those hit without the activation of the Wellbutrin

Crazy how much of a difference it makes!   

26 minutes ago, littlebird said:

hoping I figured out a puzzle piece with that and can work well tomorrow.

I wasn't sure I'd ever find a way down the mountain, but I did.  I had to do a ton of experimenting.  You'll find your way too!

27 minutes ago, littlebird said:

It helps a lot to talk about it with people who get it. No one in my life has been on this journey!

It's a pleasure to have your company on this journey, my friend!

[Carmie]

3 hours ago, littlebird said:

I had a helluva tough 3 days, and remembered @Carmie’s delightful gratitude lists. I could use a shift in attitude to gratitude, let me see what I got:

 

- I’m grateful for this community, both the expert help and the kindness of internet strangers

- I’ve been chatting with people more, and I noticed I’m reaching out to people more and being much more proactive since reducing Gabapentin. I was numb/frozen in a lot of ways

- Flowers are blooming more and more!

- My dog is really cute, and has been extra cuddly in the cold weather

- Went for a lovely hike yesterday, and while I was out in nature, painted for the first time in awhile. Lost myself in the flow of playing with color with the birds singing, and it was the happiest I’ve been in a really long time

- Got a $20 pair of Bluetooth headphones to wear around town, so if I lost one I wouldn’t care, and was astounded to discover they have better sound quality than any other headphones I’ve ever tried (and I’m a bit picky about my music/headphones). I’d drop a link, but they’re corner store knockoffs. 😇 We’ll see how long they last! How do cheap headphones sound so good? This bass, and active noise cancellation? For $20? What’s the catch??

- My black eye is healing up fast! There was some deep bruising, but I’ve been feeling my heartbeat all around it, and the orbital bone isn’t as tender today, so circulation is moving all that along

- Gave my partner a haircut, something we started during quarantine days. It feels like a nice way to take care of them (and give them little kisses and tell them they’re cute while I trim)

- For being so messed up on meds, I got a things done today. Going to give myself credit, I pushed through despite feeling like trash! 

 

Hi littlebird, 

 

Thanks for popping over to my thread the other day. Good on you for doing a gratitude list, I can see you out there in nature painting away. I’m glad your little hike brightened your day💛

[littlebird]

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

All I have to do is get a letter grade of "C" at my job and I'll pass.  I'm not out to be valedictorian of the office or employee of the month.  That said, it's been really hard to let go of wanting to excel.

 

This would be a good goal for me, passing grade and not perfection. I'd probably get a lot more done if I didn't agonize over details trying for the false ideal of perfection! Maybe we can have a support group for people who are wanting less wanting to excel on here, and cheer each other on for "good enough."

 

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

It's a pleasure to have your company on this journey, my friend!

 

You too! Thank you for making me feel welcome here and getting my words flowing. Feels like I had a big Spring Thaw, little emotional flooding, totally normal for this med journey. 

 

13 minutes ago, Carmie said:

Good on you for doing a gratitude list

 

You know, you really got me thinking with this one! It was SUCH a big shift in mood to get out of the mindset I was in into one of thinking of things to be grateful for. What a fun thread that would be, gratitudes big and small from all over the world. Not sure what section that would fit under, but I'd truly love to read it if people joined in the grateful list.

[littlebird]

6 minutes ago, j1290 said:

All I have to do is get a letter grade of "C" at my job and I'll pass.  I'm not out to be valedictorian of the office or employee of the month.  That said, it's been really hard to let go of wanting to excel.

 

This feels like an excellent goal for me, and the perfectionist in me is fighting back. Gotta let that go. Especially in a start-up, we’ll always have more to do, and sometimes “done” is better than aiming for perfect. Maybe we can start a thread on here for those who struggle with wanting to excel and need to chill and kick it more.

 

3 hours ago, j1290 said:

I wasn't sure I'd ever find a way down the mountain, but I did.  I had to do a ton of experimenting.  You'll find your way too!

 

Thank you, your story gives me hope!

 

3 hours ago, j1290 said:

It's a pleasure to have your company on this journey, my friend!

 

You as well! Also, know what we are excelling at? This flipping med journey. It’s tough, and takes mad amounts of homework, and we’re doing it. Onwards to the other side!

[j1290]

2 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Maybe we can start a thread on here for those who struggle with wanting to excel and need to chill and kick it more.

You said it.  Good enough is the new perfection.  I'm recalibrating.

 

4 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Also, know what we are excelling at? This flipping med journey. It’s tough, and takes mad amounts of homework, and we’re doing it. Onwards to the other side!

Haha so true!  I get down about it sometimes but the truth is its a messy journey for the best of us.   I'm super excited to be over the hump, however, if this cut is successful.   I didn't know what I was missing.  I'm having much more fun, and truly laughing much more.  Never claimed I wasn't nuts

[littlebird]

 

Had some major kitchen cleaning to do, so I played music that made me want to sing and dance. It was a great way to get some energy out while getting something done. I’ll be glad I did that in the morning when I wake up to a clean space to make tea on. 

 

Hoping that spacing out Gabapentin provides some relief tomorrow. Remembering something the doctor said about taking Pristiq at bedtime with Seroquel (they interact, so I disregarded that). BUT, as sleepy as it’s making me (without the SR Wellbutrin propping it up in the evenings), maybe I can take it closer to bedtime, but two hours ahead of Seroquel to prevent interactions?

 

Oh shoot, realized I had a question. I’ve been majorly spacey:

4 hours ago, j1290 said:

Did you drop from 100 mg SR to 50 mg IR?  That sounds like it might bump.

 

How did you manage your switch from XL to IR? I know everyone is different, but if you had any tips and tricks to make this easier, I’m thrown for a loop. As activating as it is, I’m liable to want to taper right away and get less side effects, but then part of me thinks I should stay where I’m at and see how I adjust?

 

Shoot, maybe I could split it into two doses of 25mg… I’m gonna be setting 2 hour timers all day, in a race to bedtime, but maybe that would mitigate some of the blast of OH NO the Wellbutrin IR gives me? With SR it was a slower and steadier, “Ohhhhh… nooooo…”

 

1 minute ago, j1290 said:

Good enough is the new perfection.

 

Gonna be affirming this all day tomorrow, thank you! Good enough is actually perfection, if you think of it in terms of a goal, so I think I loopholed my way to achieving actual perfection? Ha, thank you! 

 

4 minutes ago, j1290 said:

I didn't know what I was missing.  I'm having much more fun, and truly laughing much more.

 

Me tooooo! Love this for all of us, having more fun and enjoying life more! 😎

[j1290]

2 minutes ago, littlebird said:

but if you had any tips and tricks to make this easier, I’m thrown for a loop. As activating as it is, I’m liable to want to taper right away and get less side effects, but then part of me thinks I should stay where I’m at and see how I adjust?

 

You know what brand your generic is?  I gave it 2 weeks to adjust to the IR before tapering I think.  The adjustment was harsh for me, but I was on 450 mg.   Fishoil always helped me a tiny bit, and I take MG etc but that Omega 3 I'm certain helps at least a little.  I'm glad I waited 2 weeks because I was sensitized and needed to minimize changes as best I could manage, and 2 weeks made me feel like I had gotten to WD Normal.  But who knows.

 

I got a good laugh out of "ooooooh nooooooooo" 🤣🤣

 

2 doses or more sounds like an excellent possibility.  There's a graph around someplace that shows the absorption rate of the IR and it hits hard and falls off pretty fast.  Nasty business if you ask me.  I intend to do a liquid taper 3 x day when I get below 75 mg.  I want to avoid the wear and tear of throwing myself into WD on the daily.   I used to be so carefree about dosing but Im much better off now that I'm very strict.  I didn't realize how unbalanced I was making things.  

 

18 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Good enough is actually perfection, if you think of it in terms of a goal, so I think I loopholed my way to achieving actual perfection? Ha, thank you!

The best part of this is it's 100% true.  Love it!

 

 

[FireflyFyte]

10 hours ago, littlebird said:

Perhaps this forum has finally shown me the beauty of journaling? I need to talk about what happened to me, and I think maybe writing might be a way. 

 

God, it hurts to revisit. I experienced unspeakable horrors as a child. How do I learn to speak them? I think between me and my journal, that’s a start. 

 

I have been journaling, usually daily, for several years now and I have found that it helps. It allows me to "talk" about my day, my feelings, and my emotions and just get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper which, in a way, makes them feel heard for me. I hope that you feel a benefit from it as well. 

 

Plus, it's an excuse to buy cute journals! All of mine have a theme. 

[Fifree]

Hi @littlebird. I just popped over to read your story. Sorry to hear you’re having so much trouble balancing your meds out but you’re obviously learning a lot from the experience and I’m sure you’ll get through this. 

[littlebird]

11 hours ago, j1290 said:

There's a graph around someplace that shows the absorption rate of the IR and it hits hard and falls off pretty fast.  Nasty business if you ask me.

I’m feeling it for sure like this! Hits like a ton of bricks, then seems to fade in less than 2 hours. Yesterday I noticed a 15 minute window of clear thinking, got a lot done, then glanced at the clock and realized it was Pristiq time. Pristiq chased that window away fast.

 

I’ll try spacing it out! Wait, let me figure out how I’m gonna do that with a schedule real fast:

10am - Gabapentin 100mg

12pm - Wellbutrin 25mg

2pm -  Gabapentin 100mg

4pm - Wellbutrin 25mg

6pm - Gabapentin 100mg

8pm - Pristiq (gonna try moving it later since it’s Groggyville, USA without Wellbutrin SR in the mix)

Bedtime - Seroquel

 

So far so good with Gabapentin at a lower dose this morning, I’m feeling it for sure, but I’m not as bombed out as I was the past few days. Still, I feel out of it and high. Maybe that will lessen as my body adjusts to Gabapentin alone without Wellbutrin perking me up? Hope so, because I can’t change it too much until I figure out the Wellbutrin. Maybe I’ll get used to it and learn to hang with this Gabapentin high.

 

11 hours ago, j1290 said:

You know what brand your generic is?

Not finding this on the bottle or the Kaiser app, hm… My actual generic IR hasn’t arrived yet, the pharmacy is overloaded and moving slow, and our mail isn’t arriving since the mailman got robbed so it might be delayed further.

 

As I was re-reading Alto’s thread on tapering Wellbutrin, I was reminded that cutting a SR effectively makes it an IR, so I’ve been measuring out fragments of SR. As for the generic maker of this SR… it’s a blue, round pill. Used to be a pink pill. Maybe this can be googled.

 

The internet is magic, I found it! Ha, awesome. “Pill with imprint E 410 is Blue, Round and has been identified as Bupropion Hydrochloride Extended Release (SR) 100 mg. It is supplied by Sandoz Pharmaceuticals Inc.”

 

I’ll look up what the generic is when it arrives!

 

I’m definitely feeling the Gabapentin high more than I thought I was. I realized I was having that same stoned, “Music is soooo niiiiice” feeling from yesterday. I mean, music IS nice, but I’m feeling pretty high and spacing out on it.

 

Still doing that staring into space thing, which is unusual for me. My partner kept asking all weekend, “Uh… are you ok?”

 

I guess I’d ask the same thing if I walked into a room and saw them staring at a wall with a blank expression on their face! Gabapentin without the Wellbutrin Upper is a TRIP.

 

Gonna double then triple check my work today! At least I’m seeming less high on the outside with 100mg, I think I’m faking Professional fairly decently on this Monday. Other than staring into space occasionally, but I work from home and it’s not happening in a meeting. No meetings scheduled, thank goodness.

 

Sometimes I am legit thinking about a project while staring blankly, so… it’s creatively staring at a wall? Maybe? Sometimes I’m not even thinking, though. It’s weird!

[littlebird]

5 hours ago, FireflyFyte said:

I have been journaling, usually daily, for several years now and I have found that it helps. It allows me to "talk" about my day, my feelings, and my emotions and just get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper which, in a way, makes them feel heard for me. I hope that you feel a benefit from it as well.

I tried to journal for awhile, and while there is benefit to putting pen to paper, I found myself afraid that someone would read my deepest, darkest thoughts. Same reason why I haven't tackled the many workbooks stacking up. What, I'm just going to write about the worst things that happened to me, where anyone can pick it up and flip through it? 

 

It's an irrational fear, my partner would never, and no one else would have easy access. Still, it persists!

 

There's something about starting to type about this stuff that made it feel safer. I could edit what was too personal, and it was password protected! I want to do those workbooks, but they're too... open. Maybe I can start with typing things out, heck I could even encrypt it to give my scared brain another layer of security.

 

As daunting as it seems, it does seem like it's time to explore things and get some things OUT. Thank you for the encouragement! Maybe one of my self-care goals today is to start a digital journal, separate from the log I've been keeping for the med journey.

 

Appreciate you, thanks again! I love cute journals, maybe one day I can get to a point where I can write things out and trust that it's safe to do so.

 

4 hours ago, Fifree said:

Hi @littlebird. I just popped over to read your story. Sorry to hear you’re having so much trouble balancing your meds out but you’re obviously learning a lot from the experience and I’m sure you’ll get through this. 

 

Welcome to the community!! 🥳 Thanks for coming by and saying hello. I'm definitely learning a lot, and experiencing a lot of positive changes. I've also found a lot of value in reading others' stories and being active in the community, talking to people who beyond understand what I'm going through. It's a good place!

[littlebird]

Uh oh:

10:45 - Gabapentin high is here, but less intense than the past few days. It’s like I ate half an edible instead of a whole one. Still high, but less noticeably so. 

 

11:15 - Okay, the Gabapentin high keeps increasing. Maybe eating will help? I’m too high for a Monday. Gabapentin without Wellbutrin is a weird experience that keeps on weirding. 

 

11:30 - Got some nibblings happening with outreach marketing, which used to make me happy and excited, and currently just has me worriedly quadruple checking what I’m doing and saying since I feel so groggy and out of it. This is not ideal for working, but I keep telling myself at least it’s better than 150mg of out of it. Still, this sucks.

 

I know Gabapentin helps with anxiety, but I’m so anxious about how I’m too high to be working and should have taken a day off that it’s breaking through the numbing dumbed-down Gabapentin high. 

 

This was easier to handle when I could just stare at a laundry room wall on the weekend! I don’t like working on Gabapentin. Switching back to graphic design. I can’t People right now. This is bad, y'all! I can't hide in graphic design all day.

[Thorin]

18 hours ago, littlebird said:

I didn’t need to start taking these drugs as a teen, I needed to get out of my abusive home. I needed to learn to stop repeating that abuse as an internal voice, which took me many more years than it did to physically leave the abusers behind.

 

I have a therapist, but it’s every 2-3 weeks, and I need to find somewhere to put all this pain. And, as much as/because I love y’all, it isn’t here. Trauma dumping isn’t going to happen, don’t worry, nor are any triggering details (if I can help it, I’ll do my best to avoid known land mines).

 

Perhaps this forum has finally shown me the beauty of journaling? I need to talk about what happened to me, and I think maybe writing might be a way. 

 

God, it hurts to revisit. I experienced unspeakable horrors as a child. How do I learn to speak them? I think between me and my journal, that’s a start. 

So same for me. I needed help and rescuing. Not to be medicated and left alone. I can say though that facing your unspeakable horrors (I am facing mine) is the only way through them. After that comes peace. It’s horrifically hard (but we’re already doing horrifically hard things here aren’t we). But I am seeing improvements in many parts of my life from facing the things that happened and were sitting just under the surface all these years. You can do it, but do it at your own pace. Just make sure your therapist is great. Not just ‘ok’.