littlebird: tried tapering Pristiq - will try tapering Wellbutrin instead

[littlebird]

This is a hard day, but I’m going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Maybe have a little cry, as a treat, if the tears are willing to leave my eyes. Funny, when I think of myself as a kid, I think of a “crybaby,” and I have to be in a really bad way to cry as an adult… probably for the very reason I just called my child-self a crybaby. 

 

I’ll tell others the strong and tough thing is to be vulnerable, but it’s easier said than done. So many layers in here to get through! 

 

I’m not usually a country music person, but I’ve been really feeling Orville Peck at the moment, especially Dead of Night and C’mon Baby, Cry (urging a tough guy to cry). He did a cover of Smalltown Boy by Bronski Beat that really hits as a country song. It’s about growing up queer in a small town, and needing to leave, “The answers you seek will never be found at home, the love that you need will never be found at home.”

 

What I’m connecting to especially today as I work through childhood wounding about crying are the lyrics, “As hard as they would try, they’d hurt to make you cry. You never cried to them, just to your soul.”

 

I was once talking to a spiritual person (an MD who turned towards more new age methods) about experiencing internal bleeding starting when I was young (this has since been corrected via surgery). She asked, “Internal bleeding comes when you have a lot of unshed tears. Did you have to keep a lot inside?”

 

Yeah, as Orville Peck is singing to me, I cried into my soul. That question of hers shook me!

 

Maybe tapering will help me be able to cry more easily. Gosh, remembering how when I first moved in with my partner years ago, I would hide whenever I had a cry. Once, I muffled some sobs with a pillow in another room while they slept so they wouldn't know I was a human with feelings. I've worked through that, it feels safe to cry with them now.

 

Used to apologize when I cried in therapy too! Apologized for each tissue I needed. 🥲 I've come a long way, but still not at the point where the tears flow easily.

[littlebird]

Pushing through and getting things done! I’m adjusting to this new “space out the Wellbutrin from Gabapentin” thing. It’s giving more structure to my day, I time tasks for the more ideal headspace I know I’ll be in at each time.

 

The gaba-groggies are less each day, which is nice. Feels like I’m getting used to this. Wellbutrin ramping me up twice a day stinks, and I wish I could taper it faster, but I know the value of going slow. From what I read on here, I have to keep at it for a month first.

 

Just tried to math out how many tapers it’s going to take me to get off Wellbutrin. Holy cow, this is going to take a long time. Patience is gonna be a must.

[Soup]

@littlebirdso when you take your Wellbutrin what does it make you feel like ? Did you have this before ? Or just since you changed to IR? 

[Altostrata]

Please include the dosage of each drug in your daily notes.

[littlebird]

32 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Please include the dosage of each drug in your daily notes.

 

Will do! I’ve been logging those, but they should be in notes too. Updated signature to reflect Wellbutrin taper. 

[littlebird]

34 minutes ago, Soup said:

when you take your Wellbutrin what does it make you feel like ? Did you have this before ? Or just since you changed to IR? 

 

When the sustained release would hit, I would feel amped up pretty much all day. Now, with IR, it hits harder when the “rush” comes, but leaves my system.

 

I’m noticing that the SR was affecting other drugs I was taking, so not having it in my system all day has affected the side effects of other things. Tapering 10% of the IR helped! I feel better than I did when I first switched.

[Soup]

@littlebird thank you for sharing 

[littlebird]

9am - Got about 8 hours of sleep, give or take, thrashed around so much I pulled fitted sheet off bed

10am - 100mg Gabapentin, on schedule for the day!

10:30am - Emotionally, tough day

10:45am - Relaxed enough to push through tasks that were daunting yesterday

11am - Got a lot done, now feeling big stress

11:30am - Gabapentin not making me as groggy, but I’m more anxious than I was, suicidal thinking

11:45am - Focus issues

12pm - 22.5mg Wellbutrin IR

12:15pm - Not doing great, found I’m chain-smoking out of stress

12:45pm - tense and cold

1pm - Need to do tasks I haven’t done in a few months, and I’m really out of it: brain fog

1:30pm - Why does Wellbutrin make me feel so cold?

2pm - 100mg Gabapentin

2:30pm - spacing out, fixing tech issues slowly but surely

3:15pm - Anxious

4pm - 22.5mg Wellbutrin

5:15pm - Angry and irritable

5:45pm - Made a minor mistake I’m majorly beating myself up over, hard to calm down

6pm - 25mg Pristiq

6:30pm - Tired, but got a lot done today

6:45pm - Tired/groggy

8pm - 100mg Gabapentin

8:30pm - Nervous

8:42pm - suicidal thinking in the rise again

9:30pm - Eating wasn’t so easy today, but I made a late dinner

10pm - Feeling depressed

10:15pm - Lack of motivation
 

 Notes

10am - 100mg Gabapentin taken. My pup is still not doing well. It’s so hard, I wish I could take her symptoms into my body for her. Or at least know what’s going on, there’s nothing we can pinpoint, general malaise. 

 

11am - Feeling worried about life.

 

11:30am - Got so stressed that some “I wish I was dead” started popping in my head. This used to be something I thought a lot (especially as a kid, teen, and in my 20s), but it’s not something I think that often now. Also, no worries please: passive thought, no plan. I’ve come to think of a suicidal thought popping in my head as a sign that part of me is feeling, “I can live like this any more.” 

 

I’m worried I can’t ever be off meds, that the chemical imbalance thing isn’t a myth for some folks. What if I can’t function? I also wasn’t functioning so well popping a handful of pills in my face every morning (or afternoon, my timing was really bad before finding this site).

 

Ever been on a hike where it feels like there’s a daunting hill in front of you, but you’ve already come too far to turn back and retrace your steps? 

 

I’m gonna stay in this metaphor, because once you’ve made it up the exhausting hills and switchbacks, there’s usually a pretty great view. For now, all I can see is a muddy, steep hill ahead of me, and I just have to trust I’m on the right path and keep going.

 

12pm - 22.5mg Wellbutrin

 

12:20pm - Tried to utilize the Gabapentin calm this morning (which is getting less groggifying day by day) to get through tasks that I’ve been avoiding out of fear. Knocked a lot out! Currently feeling frozen, and like I’m moving too slow and letting everyone down. Catastrophizing! 

 

1pm - Brain fog. Now I’m getting to the more technical side of a project and it’s rough.

 

1:30pm - Tense, anxious, cold. Why does Wellbutrin make me so cold?

 

2pm - Gabapentin 100mg

 

3:15pm - As I get used to Gabapentin on it’s own, I miss the groggy high feelings - I’m just brain fogged yet still anxious. 

 

Thank god for this graphic design project!!! Seriously, it’s been great for spacing out on Gabapentin with, and I’m relaxed enough to just go with things instead of second guessing, and my work is getting better and more creative. 

 

I know a less fun part of this project is coming, I’m creating art for a lead magnet and it also needs to have words. Hoping things even out soon and feel more functional very soon!

 

4pm - 22.5mg Wellbutrin

 

6pm - 25mg Pristiq

 

8:45pm - Suicidal thinking on the rise! Don’t love that for me. 

 

10pm - Tough day, but made it through. Aiming for bedtime at midnight, I think that’s a decent place to start getting Seroquel at the same time.

 

10:15pm - Frustrated with a lot of things today, including how tired I feel. Got a lot done, trying to be positive about that.

[littlebird]

Had a talk with partner about reining in our bedtime a bit better. Told them I’m aiming at midnight, with or without them (we tend to go to bed at the same time). It wasn’t the easiest talk, nobody likes to be told, ‘Getting close to bedtime, buster,’ but it went fine.

 

Hoping they’ll join me in midnight bedtime (after all these years together it’s weird to go to bed alone), but also if it’s too big of an ask, that’s fine too. We both tend to be night owls who get inspired late. I just have to stop flying so late and roost earlier to wrangle these meds. Which might mean a sacrifice and a lonesome lie down alone, and that’s fine.

 

Ugh, looked at the clock and midnight bedtime is ticking in on me fast. Work is calling my name, and work can wait till tomorrow. I’ve done a lot of hours today.

 

Trying to think of a way to make having a bedtime more fun, and less like I’m a sulky child being told what to do. I seriously can’t think of anything, it’s just going to be what it is. Booooo bedtime! 👎 I want to be free of constraints! It’s only 20 minutes away. 😿 My inner child is not enjoying this development.

[j1290]

Hi Littlebird!  Because I'm looking into my crystal ball for my own future and taking notes, you went from 100-50-45 on the Bupropion?   How's that feeling?  You're right there in the part of the taper that some people find difficult on the Bup.   I'm just going to tackle that problem when I get there.  I hope I don't find I have to taper 10%, but have to allow for it.  

[littlebird]

7 hours ago, j1290 said:

Hi Littlebird!  Because I'm looking into my crystal ball for my own future and taking notes, you went from 100-50-45 on the Bupropion?   How's that feeling?

 

So far, so good. Switching from 100mg SR to 50mg IR was a bit bumpy, but largely because it turned out the Wellbutrin had been lessening symptoms from other drugs. I wonder sometimes how I'd be doing without those other pills in my system, and wondering if the Pristiq is helping to pad this change.

 

I'd been feeling so activated from the Wellbutrin that going down 10% was a relief, I felt slightly less amped up when it hit. I'm still getting used to the rollercoaster of having a downer (gabapentin), then 2 hours later an upper (wellbutrin), lather, rinse, repeat. I'm going up and down all day!

 

I'm mildly concerned with an increase in suicidal thinking and anger (I got so mad at an old memory this morning), but it's manageable. I keep reminding myself I'm adjusting, and the symptoms I have now aren't forever-symptoms.

 

Searched on reddit for info about Wellbutrin, and found a bunch of fans talking about how it's making them feel like super-people: "skinny, motivated, high libido." Not sure it was good for me to read all that, anorexia reared up and scolded me for reducing the wrong pill, for getting off of something that was helping me "stay fit," and how my appetite has increased greatly since switching to IR. 

 

Decided to switch gears and look at wedding planning subs on there instead, which was a lateral move stress-wise as wedding is coming in hot and fast. Damn, some people have a lot of money for these things! We have so much planning left to do and increasingly little time left to do it! 

 

Maybe I stay off reddit for now. Woke up early and stressed! Not even 10am and I'm ready for a stress-cry (of course I can't cry, but the tears are hanging out in my eyes ready to go). 

 

Fighting over-work as a coping skill, all to easy to fall into when there are always things to be done. I logged 11 hours yesterday, and last night kept having the thought, "There's more to do, I can make it an even 12." Not healthy, littlebird, if you're not making lawyer money, don't work lawyer hours. Work-life-balance, go!

 

Emotions are high! How are you holding up? Is today any better than yesterday? Happy Friday!!!

[littlebird]

Woke up MUCH earlier than usual in a state of anxiety. Didn't want to wait over 2 hours for my usual Gabapentin time at 10am, so I took tonight's evening dose this morning and will keep the rest of the schedule the same.

 

I've been wondering about Gabapentin and alcohol. I rarely drink, 1-2 times a month socially, but on the occasions I have a glass of something... do I need to avoid taking Gabapentin at the same time? On the rare occasion I have a drink, it does seem to hit me extra hard. I learned a long time ago not to overdo it on alcohol, especially on Gabapentin. 

 

Ideally, I could shrug off alcohol altogether while on the med journey, but I also want to be able to 'cheers' my partner and have a glass of bubbles to celebrate sometimes and feel like a normal person living a normal life.

[littlebird]

I just had a wonderful therapy session!!! Oh, I love this guy. Wondering if I can see him as a private client after the employee benefit sessions run out. Seriously, what an angel.

 

We did some deep work today, and I can't believe how much ground we covered. I'm feeling really proud of myself, to be honest. I came to therapy ready to do the work, I'm open to trying anything he suggests, and we're flying along. Love it!

 

Part of me wants to get back to work, but also I'm remembering that I might need a little time to integrate and process. Wow, he's good.

 

He gave me a different perspective on med changes meaning emotions are closer to the surface, I'd been thinking of that as a hinderance, but it's a good thing in therapy. Really didn't have to dig at all, everything was ready to go and make the most of precious therapy time. Woohoo, feeling hopeful! 

 

Looking forward to our next session in 2 weeks, he's seriously dope. Had some big ole breakthroughs! *chef's kiss*

[possum]

So happy for you, @littlebird! Grab onto these good feelings and hold them close. 

[littlebird]

Just now, possum said:

So happy for you, @littlebird! Grab onto these good feelings and hold them close. 

 

I'm reveling in them! My partner sometimes says, "Bank that for later," and that might be a good idea too. I'd like to reconnect to this feeling of being hopeful about healing and progress, especially when I've spiraled somewhere else.

 

I feel like my healing is actually possible in a very real way. Wrapping this feeling around me like a cozy blanket. When I got off the call, I shouted thank you out loud to the heavens for sending me a wonderful therapist! Grateful and hopeful, what a lovely mix.

[j1290]

4 hours ago, littlebird said:

So far, so good. Switching from 100mg SR to 50mg IR was a bit bumpy, but largely because it turned out the Wellbutrin had been lessening symptoms from other drugs. I wonder sometimes how I'd be doing without those other pills in my system, and wondering if the Pristiq is helping to pad this change.

First off, that's fantastic news that you're tolerating the reduction so well!  Not gonna lie, I hope I get so lucky.   

 

4 hours ago, littlebird said:

I'd been feeling so activated from the Wellbutrin that going down 10% was a relief, I felt slightly less amped up when it hit. I'm still getting used to the rollercoaster of having a downer (gabapentin), then 2 hours later an upper (wellbutrin), lather, rinse, repeat. I'm going up and down all day!

Multiple drugs with Bup sounds complicated.   I got off the venlafaxine first, but that was just because I was sick of taking it more than anything else.   Why did the idea of taking a drug cocktail ever seem like a good idea to me?!?

 

4 hours ago, littlebird said:

Searched on reddit for info about Wellbutrin, and found a bunch of fans talking about how it's making them feel like super-people: "skinny, motivated, high libido."

Oh yeah, lotta people on there for 30 days that love their new pill.   I disregard the cheerleaders and look for the people tapering for info and whatnot.  I've chatted with a few, there's defo a crossover from there to here and people are aware of this place.  

 

4 hours ago, littlebird said:

if you're not making lawyer money, don't work lawyer hours.

Words to live by!

 

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

I just had a wonderful therapy session!!!

Tough to find a good one, congrats!

 

4 hours ago, littlebird said:

How are you holding up? Is today any better than yesterday? Happy Friday!!!

Thanks and same to you.   I'm in the bumpy part, but it's still much improved.  Always enjoy your posts!

[littlebird]

The light feeling buoying me after wonderful therapy session started to falter with life presenting challenges, then plummeted me back to earth as Wellbutrin 22.5 left my system. Very sharply up and sharply down on the IR, which I expected to some extent, but the mood stuff. Oof. Said to my partner, "Are these mood swings? Is that what people mean?"

 

I'm up and down all day with Wellbutrin22.5-Gabapentin100-Wellbutrin22.5, but I don't know what else I can do but keep taking it and hope it evens out.

 

In an odd mood where I'm feeling prickly and don’t want to be around people, yet I want to hug someone and talk to someone who totally gets it. I guess I don’t want to be around anyone except people who have also been through it and know what I’m talking about. 

 

I was invited out to something tonight, but I’m likely to be the only person in the room masked (which is weird in countless ways, and not so easy for small talk in a loud room). Also, I’m feeling off and not sure if I'm up to socializing while worrying about if I'm acting normal, while also wondering how much covid is in the room.

 

That masked event earlier this week was a real treat, I tell you! My anxiety was almost nonexistent.  Thinking about staying home tonight, but I’m not sure if that’s the right call. Sometimes the days when I want to walk the dog the least are the days I need that walk the most, you know? Hard to tell if it's good self-care, or depression isolation to stay home.

 

Just did a little covid research. Reported cases in my area are relatively low, but the more accurate wastewater sampling isn't, making this look like not the time to risk it. Plus, these new variants being so good at getting around masking and vaccines? Okay, forget it, I talked myself into staying home. I think. Then immediately second guessed if I need the social time and that was worth the risk.

 

Darn it. Can someone make my decisions for me, and while they're at it, write a bunch of stuff for work for me? Also, make dinner and do dishes? Okay, I'm starting to describe a parent. No wonder, after all the childhood work in therapy today!

 

I'm feeling like a real mess, y'all. Not sure if I should try to work, or try to self-care, or give up completely, run into the woods, change my name, and live with the wild animals up in the hills. Leaning towards that last one.

[littlebird]

54 minutes ago, j1290 said:

I'm in the bumpy part, but it's still much improved.  Always enjoy your posts!

 

I enjoy yours too! Bumping along the road as well, with the occasional pot-hole since switching to IR. If we could post gifs on this site, I'd have Bette Davis saying, "Buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy night."

 

Just looked up what the flip is happening to our brains as we work with this med, and read, "Bupropion is an ideal medication for the treatment of depression as it works by inhibiting the reuptake of dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine and helps balance out the neurotransmitter imbalance that causes depression."

 

I'm foggy, but that seems to mean that we have less of those things in bold because the reuptake inhibition is going away, so less dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine are bouncing around in our brains to make us feel better. So... how do we get more of those things? More brain chemicals plz. 

 

... the answer is gonna be diet and exercise, I know it. Always is!

 

[possum]

Bupropion is going to be my next challenge, after Paxil. One drug at a time. In the meantime, I guess I'll hang onto whatever dopamine I have left!

[Carmie]

On 2/3/2023 at 5:57 AM, littlebird said:

Thanks, @Carmie! I really appreciate your kindness. I'm definitely in one of those "when it rains, it pours" moments in life (but I live in a drought state so that saying has taken on a new, positive tone now that I think about it).

 

Sometimes it takes a lot of rain to make things grow! I had some seeds of thoughts that I needed to take care of myself more, seek out a replacement therapist, build community with others, etc. Took a real rainstorm in my life to make me take action!

 

You know what's funny? I'd been saying for awhile that I felt like I needed to cry, I think I even wrote on here about not being able to let it out shed some tears.

 

Getting sucker-punched did wonders for that problem! Really broke through whatever was holding me back from expressing emotion, and I was finally able to cry.

 

As I finally let it out, I had an unexpected moment of gratitude to the mugger for the cry I'd been needing. It had felt like a storm brewing for weeks, if not months, and it finally got to let loose. Hopefully I can learn to have a good cry without an instigating event like that one!

I’m so glad you were finally able to cry littlebird, that experience with the mugger must have caused you such stress. You definitely don’t want any more of those kinds of experiences, that’s for sure. 
 

Good on you for starting to take some action in various parts of your life. I find if I start with one small thing in any area of life, and then add on habits on the tail of the last one, I end up with some momentum. Before we know it small habits are formed. One of my favourite books is Atomic Habits by James Clear. Start small. 
 

I hope you have a happy day☀️

[Altostrata]

You'll be able to start tapering Wellbutrin after you get your baseline symptom pattern. If you keep changing up the times you take your drugs, you'll have to postpone tapering Wellbutrin.

 

Alcohol tends to upset the symptom pattern. If you want to drink alcohol, your symptom pattern is likely to remain unstable. This makes tapering more dicey, as the symptoms you might report as withdrawal could be the effect of alcohol. We cannot provide peer support for tapering if you continue to drink.

[littlebird]

11 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

We cannot provide peer support for tapering if you continue to drink.

 

Oh snap, I thought one drink, once or twice a month, like I'd been doing would be fine. Okie dokie, no drinks for me! While I drank rarely, it sure did help social situations feel easier. 😬 Something else for therapy!

 

Do you have any advice about the rare mornings I wake up early like today? The 10am start time for Gabapentin works almost every day to keep a good schedule, but I woke up at 7 in a super anxious state and it felt like I was dragging towards 10am. I was desperate, thus the discrepancy.

 

In the rare occasion that happens, should I just white-knuckle it until 10am? Hopefully this was a one-off, and not a new withdrawal symptom.

[Altostrata]

Given the complexity of your drug schedule, you'll just have to cope with the occasional early morning wake up. I suspect it's rebound symptoms from gabapentin, but you probably should reduce Wellbutrin first.

[littlebird]

3 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Given the complexity of your drug schedule, you'll just have to cope with the occasional early morning wake up. I suspect it's rebound symptoms from gabapentin, but you probably should reduce Wellbutrin first.

 

Okay, that makes a lot of sense! I was brainstorming non-med ways to deal with it too (herbal tea instead of caffeinated, breathing exercises, music, etc) that I'll try if it happens again.

 

Wonder if I'll be missing that Gabapentin dose this evening? Regret!! Can't un-take it, though. I won't do that again! 

[littlebird]

7:30am - woke up anxious, 6-7 hours of sleep

8am - 100mg Gabapentin 

9:30am - Stressed, suicidal thinking popping up a lot (passive, no plan)

10am - 100mg Gabapentin

10:30am - Still stressed, but less than I woke up feeling

10:45am - Too much to do, not enough focus or time (stressed)

11am - Making mistakes at work

12pm - 22.5 Wellbutrin, really good therapy session

1pm - Integrating therapy, feeling hopeful

1:30pm - Obstacles galore, still riding high from therapy (maybe Wellbutrin too?)

1:45pm - Need to reply to potential client, frozen in fear of saying wrong thing

1:50pm - Stressed, counting down the minutes to Gabapentin time

2pm - Gabapentin 100mg

3:45pm - Anxious 

4pm - 22.5 mg Wellbutrin IR

4:30pm - anxious 

5pm - Productive!

6pm - 25mg Pristiq

7pm - Scared by my own shadow (jumpy)

8:30pm - Emotions sure a lot closer to the surface while tapering, huh?

8:50pm - Done with work! Throwing in towel for the night. Aiming for midnight bedtime again.

9:45pm - I am feeling the effects of messing with Gabapentin timing. Won't do that again. Big heartrate spikes and anxiety

[Addax]

11 hours ago, littlebird said:

8:30pm - Emotions sure a lot closer to the surface while tapering, huh?

Heck yeah they are! And it always seems to the negative ones.  So unfair. I’ve sometimes wondered what it would be like if the opposite were true. Like, “ II woke up at 4am with my heart racing from laughing so hard, again. Damn these feelings of amusement!” 
 

I was looking at the newer posts on the intro forum and your name popped out at me and I started reading through the recent parts of your thread a bit. I’m sorry for the pain you’ve experienced and for what ultimately got you here to SA, but the hope and reassurance your finding in therapy sounds wonderful! 

Edited February 4, 2023 by Addax

[littlebird]

8 hours ago, Addax said:

Heck yeah they are! And it always seems to the negative ones.  So unfair. I’ve sometimes wondered what it would be like if the opposite were true. Like, “ II woke up at 4am with my heart racing from laughing so hard, again. Damn these feelings of amusement!”

 

Right?? If only!! “Today’s WD symptom is I can’t stop laughing and smiling,” would be beyond ideal. “Why is everything so funny to me? I’m loving life so hard! Feeling content and connected with others.”

 

Had a window of that briefly when I separated out doses, was laughing so hard I cried at silly stuff, then when I lowered Wellbutrin the mood lowered too. Ah well! 

 

Maybe one day we will have some fun side effects! When I was getting used to how groggy Gabapentin made me, I decided to lean into it and enjoy it (better than anxious), then it started fading fast and now I feel pretty normal after taking it. I’m now nostalgic for the stoned feeling that had me so worried at the time.

 

I have a birthday party to go to today, and I’d love a little laughing and smiling to come naturally! Who knows, maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised. 

 

Finding I’m having anxiety about not being able to have a drink at the party. As I’ve mentioned, not a big drinker, but I sure did lean on having a drink in my hand to take the edge off social anxiety. Also having a weird fear about being obviously “not normal” by choosing not to have a drink. When, really, who cares? I don’t judge anyone for have a non-alcoholic drink. What’s that fear about?

 

Hoping I’ll also come across a fairly normal person going through a normal time, and no one will be able to tell meds are throwing me for a loop. Well, always been able to rely on the ole charm offensive before, we’ll see if I’ve still got it! Maybe I’ll get lucky, have fun, and have some good teeheehees with friends, but at the moment going to this birthday is feeling like a chore, or another mountain to climb. 

 

Of course, I felt the same way about going to the book reading, and that was wonderful… so I’m gonna push through and go! Plus, it’s an outdoor party, which always helps with immunocompromised anxiety. I can do this! 😤

[littlebird]

Wondering if my up-down-up-down rollercoaster schedule could be adjusted a little. Current schedule listed with thoughts about what why I want to swap my 4pm and 6pm meds:

 

10am - 100mg Gabapentin 

12pm - 22.5mg Wellbutrin

2pm - 100mg Gabapentin 

4pm - 22.5mg Wellbutrin <- thinking about taking Pristiq here instead

6pm - 25mg Pristiq <- and moving Wellbutrin later in the evening for more motivation/energy/focus to cook dinner (currently too low energy/unfocused in the evenings, example below)

8pm - Gabapentin

 

Right now, I’m burning all that Wellbutrin energy at work. I’m getting things done, but I crash hard in the evening and I’m not pulling my weight in the house since switching from SR to IR. I need to figure out a way to have focus and energy to cook and clean and whatnot.

 

The other night, started water boiling for pasta, then wandered away and forgot about it. We ate dinner very late that night, and only because my partner took the reins. Seems Wellbutrin was helping focus!

 

[littlebird]

Ok, to go to birthday party, I need to: shower, style outfit, go to a place, smile, make small talk. 

 

There have been periods of my life where that would be fun: let’s look cute and hit the town. Today, it sounds as fun and motivating as: do dishes, organize closet, put away laundry. 

 

Also a list of things I need to do at some point. Faltering! Switch to IR is a lot. I’m not doing so well, my guys. 

 

Thinking about working a bit before party to get my mind off of things and make some cash, but also fully recognize I’m putting off the shower and getting ready part of the day that I’m dreading.

 

I really like these people I’m going to see, and it’s outdoors so I can relax a bit about being immunocompromised in covid times… what’s my problem?

 

I know I’ll be bummed out if I skip the event to hide in my cave, so I’m pushing through the obstacles with the goal of getting out and being a social animal for a little while.

[Altostrata]

If you don't mind, please let me know when you've been on a consistent schedule for 2 weeks. I'll stop by then.

[littlebird]

Adding emojis: might make incrementally more fun, and help me scroll back and see how things are going quickly

10am - 100mg Gabapentin

11:30am - Feeling mildly foggy 😶‍🌫️

12pm - 22.5mg Wellbutrin 😶‍🌫️

12:30pm - anxious rush, pacing 😬

12:45pm - shaky hands 😬

1:15pm - Anxious and shaky 😬🥶

1:30pm - moody/sad (also rainy day, probably contributing) 😔

1:40pm - mood plummeting 😞

2pm - 100mg Gabapentin 😞

3pm - rainy day & depression 😔😞

3:15pm - flipping irritable out of nowhere 😡🤬

4pm - 22.5mg Wellbutrin 🥶

6pm - Pristiq 😐

8pm - Gabapentin 😐

 

1pm - Really hoping that I feel better some day. The switch to IR has been a real trip, but it’s part of the process. Hoping and praying for better days to come.

 

What I was doing (popping a cocktail of pills every morning and night, per doctor’s orders) wasn’t working either, but it was more comfortably numb. I’ve gone too far to turn back, just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

I’ve been thinking lately of the US Military saying “Embrace the Suck” and how it applies to this process. Embracing the suck, and the benefits, and hope for the future. Embracing it all.

 

3pm - Gloomy, rainy day not helping the mood! The hummingbirds who visit the feeders when the rain tapers off are, though. Thanks, birds!

 

11pm - Glad I went to birthday party. Good to push through depression and be social. Came home and cried, but it’s been a goal to cry, so maybe that’s a win? Weird, I wanted to cry, and now that I am… I’m asking, “What’s up with me?”

 

Glad I went out, and grateful to have an outdoor event to go to, but feeling so damn lost and unmoored by med changes. Good lord, what a journey this is. Crying and upset, with no idea what prompted it, but I have been saying I wanted to cry… now that I’m doing it, I’m wondering why I wanted this. 

[littlebird]

On 2/3/2023 at 4:42 PM, possum said:

Bupropion is going to be my next challenge, after Paxil. One drug at a time. In the meantime, I guess I'll hang onto whatever dopamine I have left!

 

I've become a dopamine hound. Trying to listen to music, watch things I know I'll enjoy, listen to podcasts that have made me laugh in the past.. seeking to squeeze out every drop of dopamine I can. When I log on here and see some notifications, there's a little "ping" of happy brain chemicals.

 

I used to doom-scroll on social media a lot more, which occasionally would give me pings of happy brain chemicals, but more often would give me things to worry about.

 

I realized last night that since more of my work started involving social media marketing, it's no longer feeling like a place to take a break, it's making me think about work. Which is great, because I was on there too much in the dark times, making times seem even darker with bad news and self-comparison. Silver lining!

 

Have you noticed the things you used to enjoy aren't bringing you the same level of enjoyment? I'm hoping this is a temporary thing as my system gets used to being on IR Wellbutrin, because I miss feeling happy when I see a cool bird or watch an episode of a favorite show.

[littlebird]

Glad I went to the birthday party, but I was not able to fully relax and enjoy myself. I was so worried that I was saying and doing the wrong things, and at one point (apropos of absolutely nothing) had the thought that everyone hated me, or at best was only tolerating me. 

 

My brain has been flipping MEAN to me lately: really focusing on negative (especially about me: outside and insides), being way harsh in self-judgment, etc. I feel like a teenager roiling with self-hatred at times. Maybe stuff that was med-frozen all these years, and is waking up? Hope it passes, this is hard.

 

WELP, I have work I can do today. Maybe that’s a good way to get my mind off my unhappy mindset. Sitting on the kitchen floor with tears in my eyes, I could stay here and ruminate, but I don't know if that would be healthy processing... or unhealthy focus on the negative. Really hard to tell what's healthy and what's a symptom.

 

I don't love all the unknown that comes along with this process, but also didn't love the known I was in of just popping this cocktail and wondering what all these pills were doing to me long-term. Gotta keep on keeping on.

[FireflyFyte]

2 hours ago, littlebird said:

Glad I went to the birthday party, but I was not able to fully relax and enjoy myself. I was so worried that I was saying and doing the wrong things, and at one point (apropos of absolutely nothing) had the thought that everyone hated me, or at best was only tolerating me. 

 

I know this feeling all too well and experienced it myself at an art show I attended at the last moment this weekend but am proud of you for pushing past your comfort zone and attending the party. I'm sure that no one hated you but our brains love to jump to the negative, don't they?

[littlebird]

31 minutes ago, FireflyFyte said:

I know this feeling all too well and experienced it myself

 

It helps to know I'm not alone in feeling this way!!

 

31 minutes ago, FireflyFyte said:

our brains love to jump to the negative, don't they?

 

They surely do! I had absolutely zero evidence that I was doing anything "wrong," and was having lovely conversations with people. Yet a part of my mind was, "Don't trust it, they could just feel like they have to be nice to you."

 

Why is my own brain undermining me? C'mon, we're supposed to be a team! 

[littlebird]

10am - 100mg Gabapentin - tired, slept poorly 🥱

12pm - 22.5mg Wellbutrin 😔

12:30pm - Wellbutrin hitting like amphetamines, shaky 🥶

1pm - Anxious, stomach in knots 🥶

1:45pm - Still anxious, mood plummeting 😞

2pm - 100mg Gabapentin 😔

3:15pm - Gabapentin really not hitting the way it used to, my anxiety/tension is high 😬

4pm - Pristiq 😐

5:15pm - Got so frustrated I cried 😭

6pm - 22.5mg Wellbutrin 🙁

7pm - Wellbutrin isn’t as activating as usual! Pleasant surprise 🙂

7:45pm - Mood plummeting, everything seems so hard to do 😩

8pm - 100mg Gabapentin 🙁

11:45pm - Finished some freelance work 😤😇

 

Notes:

Hoo boy, what a day. I cried a BUNCH, which is kinda huge for me since I'd been wanting to cry. Big ole emotional release day. Super grateful for my partner, they helped me a lot. My notes for today turned into a whole long thing, which is probably better as a journal.

 

Had a rare conversation with my dad, and it made me remember why conversations with him are rare. He can be truly awful and actively tore me down pretty hardcore. My mom has been a real piece of work lately too, and I think while I'm med-sensitive it's time to go low(er) contact with both. 

 

It would be nice to be able to call my parents when times are tough, but "you can't heal where you get sick," and I'm reminded of that when I try to connect with them. A vulnerable time is especially not a time to talk to them. 

 

White knuckling through this IR crossover. Well, I knew this med tapering business wouldn't be all sunshine and daisies.

 

I think I need to up my coping skills and hobbies and stuff to get through this. Art time, maybe? Tried today, got frustrated and cried yet again. So much crying today!!! I guess I needed to let some stuff out. Hoping things change for the better soon!