littlebird: tried tapering Pristiq - will try tapering Wellbutrin instead

February 18, 2023

Log

Good night’s sleep, around 8 hours

10am - 100mg Gabapentin

11am - I want to hide from the world! Anxious

12pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

12:45pm - Anxious, trying to focus!

1pm - Stringing words together is a struggle

2pm - 100mg Gabapentin

2:30pm - Brain fogged in!

2:45pm - Words. So. Hard.

3pm - Lost in the brain fog

4pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

5:30pm - Getting things done, slowly, but surely!

6pm - 100mg Gabapentin

8pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

10pm - 25mg Pristiq

Midnight - 100mg Seroquel

Notes

I miss the stability of Wellbutrin SR, now that it’s gone! This up and down every day is a lot… really enjoying Pristiq more at the end of the night! That was a good move.

One day at a time, figuring it out. Had to cut my hours for a few days there while adjusting to the big dosage change, but I’m glad I took time to rest and adjust.

Brain is FOGGY! It feels like tasks are taking me much longer than they might otherwise. Slogging through the day! While I’m moving slowly, at least I’m moving and able to work!

Gratitude

Birds are singing this morning! It’s nice to hear my lil buddies singing in the sunlight. I’m also grateful for the Merlin app, I can Sound ID these lil cuties!

Music is such a gift! Plus, the magic of the internet allowing me to hear anything at any time? Magic. Since I was a kid, having my own music (walkman+cassettes/recording off the radio, then a portable CD player, then as a teen playing with MP3s and pirating) has helped me so much. I was having a really hard day earlier this week, and played music loudly in the kitchen and sang along while I worked. I felt so much better afterwards!

I’ve been a little frustrated with my brain fog, so I’m going to try and channel some gratitude for my mind. I’m creative, full of ideas, and have a knack for learning new things. I love to always be learning and growing, and I’m game to try new things and tackle big tasks. I’m smarter and more capable than I think I am in the fog, I’ve made it through years of interactions and med changes, and I’m making it through this! I can do it! 😤

I moved a hummingbird feeder much closer to where I work outside, about a meter, and they’ve been coming (warily watching me while they drink). Lil cuties.

My partner made dinner, and it was so good I kept eating even though I was full. Take that, anorexia!

I’ve been trying to be more kind and encouraging to myself. I might not be moving at full speed at work, but I’m moving!

February 18, 2023

3 hours ago, littlebird said:

I miss the stability of Wellbutrin SR, now that it’s gone!

You could experiment with dividing the 75mg Wellbutrin over 4 daily dosages instead of 3. In such a way you may get an effect of the Wellbutrin acting like SR. Because it spreads more over the day then. And you would not feel the peaks of each dosage that much. It will probably feel more even over the day then.

Apart from this, you are still stabilising after the big dosage changes you made with the Wellbutrin. This also needs to settle.

Edited February 18, 2023 by Go2zero

February 18, 2023

@littlebird Are you taking pills at 8 different times during the day? How do you manage that? It's impressive, I have to say. I'm taking 3 pills and it's not so easy to do that.

As an outsider, what you're doing, what you're attempting to do, how hard you've worked to get where you are, is all pretty amazing. I don't know if it feels that way, but to my eyes you're smashing it. Good job, captain!

February 18, 2023

35 minutes ago, j1290 said:

As an outsider, what you're doing, what you're attempting to do, how hard you've worked to get where you are, is all pretty amazing. I don't know if it feels that way, but to my eyes you're smashing it. Good job, captain!

That’s an absolutely lovely thing to say man and I agree @littlebird. I see how hard you’re working at this. You should be proud of yourself. It’s not an easy ride but you seem to be staying the course and trying your hardest.

February 18, 2023

4 hours ago, littlebird said:

Right? I used to be more scared of the darkness, but it was like shadows on a cave wall appearing bigger than what was really there. When I investigated, each dark little shadowy part of me was a wounded child who needed care.

Man what an excellent description. As I’ve gotten up close with some of my darkness it’s become less scary and has less hold over me (or I don’t react to it as much). They’re all either trauma wounds or as you correctly say. Young wounded versions of myself.

4 hours ago, littlebird said:

Oof, yeah. I spent most of life in survival mode, nervous system on high alert. It's been a real process to learn to feel safe and relax.

Me too I just didn’t know it. Probably sounds bizarre to think that someone doesn’t know that they’re living like that but I was so numb and cut off from myself.

4 hours ago, littlebird said:

e juxtaposition of this made me laugh out loud. I've so been here, "Fine, I'll be nice to my stupid self!"

Haha I was laughing as I typed it. It’s also how I genuinely feel 😂

4 hours ago, littlebird said:

Right? Like anger is the only acceptable emotion to express, anything else is weakness. I hope you find a community of men who are in touch with their emotions, I bet there are folks who feel just like you do and are wishing they had a safe circle to feel things in.

Spot on about anger being the only acceptable emotion. So incredibly stupid and backward. I’ve just started exploring different communities. It makes me super uncomfortable to be ‘emotional’ and vulnerable around people but I feel that it’s needed.

4 hours ago, littlebird said:

Okay, found it: Mankind Project. Just poked around a little to look for any red flags (never know), and found videos with men who have New Zealand and Australian accents, so this seems to be pretty global and might be in your area! Poked around a little more, and they are in Australia for sure, and no red flags yet!

Ok this is awesome! Thank you so much for looking into it for me! I really appreciate it! Gonna check it out after this response.

5 hours ago, littlebird said:

I'm so glad we live in a time where it's safer for people to get in touch with their emotions and challenge harmful societal influences like toxic gender norms and stigmas around mental health.

The men in my family do not show much emotion (unless it’s my father throwing a childish tantrum). I’m breaking the cycle. Seem there are other people out there trying to do the same thing! Thanks Littlebird!

February 18, 2023

7 hours ago, Go2zero said:

You could experiment with dividing the 75mg Wellbutrin over 4 daily dosages instead of 3. In such a way you may get an effect of the Wellbutrin acting like SR. Because it spreads more over the day then. And you would not feel the peaks of each dosage that much. It will probably feel more even over the day then.

I'm tempted to try this, but I honestly don't know where in the day another dose could go. Moving Wellbutrin up to 3x a day filled my only empty med-slot. If only I could cold turkey Pristiq like doctors said I could! Not even going to try, their other advice wasn't good so I don't trust the CT advice either.

February 18, 2023

7 hours ago, j1290 said:

Are you taking pills at 8 different times during the day? How do you manage that? It's impressive, I have to say. I'm taking 3 pills and it's not so easy to do that.

It's a lot!!! I'm kind of surprised I'm managing it. Also, I'm thinking ahead to our wedding, in another country where we'll be running around and DIYing things beforehand. I don't know how I'm going to manage this med schedule with the wedding schedule, and I don't want to drop any balls and miss doses. Also, might pack an extra case of pills and give it to someone who will be helping me get ready that day in case I forget them in the rush.

Really tempted to get back on SR in the next 2 months for convenience of the schedule! Tough call, not sure! Wish I could ask my future self what we decided and what worked out best for us.

7 hours ago, j1290 said:

As an outsider, what you're doing, what you're attempting to do, how hard you've worked to get where you are, is all pretty amazing. I don't know if it feels that way, but to my eyes you're smashing it. Good job, captain!

Thank you!! I needed this, I got tears in my eyes. Hard to give myself credit sometimes, but I am putting in the work and keeping at it! Thank you for saying this.

7 hours ago, Thorin said:

I see how hard you’re working at this. You should be proud of yourself. It’s not an easy ride but you seem to be staying the course and trying your hardest.

Then I scrolled down to this one, and those tears got even thicker in my eyes! Goal: give myself credit and work on feeling proud of myself. Thank you!!

February 18, 2023

6 hours ago, Thorin said:

As I’ve gotten up close with some of my darkness it’s become less scary and has less hold over me (or I don’t react to it as much). They’re all either trauma wounds or as you correctly say. Young wounded versions of myself.

I'm reminded of the first time I encountered this. I was in a long trauma class focused on meditation offered by my insurance company, and it always started with "going to our safe space" to meditate.

Week on week, I couldn't find a feeling of safety and the doctors leading the group weren't helpful around this. I played around with building a mental fortress; could I feel safe behind those walls? No, it felt like something was still out there that could breach the perimeter and get me. After many weeks of this, I got so frustrated that I stormed out of my ineffectual fortress and went hunting for what was making me feel so unsafe.

I found myself, a child self. Small, malnourished, fiercely feral, ready to attack me or anything else. It was so surprising I gasped and opened my eyes, coming out of the meditation for a moment. Then, I spent the rest of the time internally talking with this part, who was insisting, "It is never safe to let your guard down."

Without any background in parts work, I just reacted in teacher mode, validating those feelings and saying there are very real reasons why we feel that way. Also, we're adult now, and can trust ourselves more to handle anything that comes up. I invited this child part to swap roles with me: let me have their back for a little while so they could rest and relax. Poor little thing was exhausted from decades spent in hyper-vigilant fight mode.

Since that breakthrough of a meditation, I am both able to connect to a feeling of internal safety at times, and I also started feeling a lot better about exploring internally. What I'd assumed were monsters lurking in the dark seemed to be smaller versions of me. Time after time, that's who I found when I stopped being too afraid to look.

7 hours ago, Thorin said:

12 hours ago, littlebird said:

Oof, yeah. I spent most of life in survival mode, nervous system on high alert. It's been a real process to learn to feel safe and relax.

Me too I just didn’t know it. Probably sounds bizarre to think that someone doesn’t know that they’re living like that but I was so numb and cut off from myself.

Right? Although, kids only know what they grow up with! We didn't know any different way to be, and we had to be both tough and numb to survive.

Plus, it probably kept us alive. I know that sounds dramatic, but not everyone survives cPTSD (as a child or an adult trying to grapple with the after-effects).

7 hours ago, Thorin said:

The men in my family do not show much emotion (unless it’s my father throwing a childish tantrum). I’m breaking the cycle. Seem there are other people out there trying to do the same thing! Thanks Littlebird!

I had no idea my dad had a secret family in Australia, but it sounds like we had the same father! So glad we're taking the mantle of breaking the cycle, as hard as it is at times, it would be infinitely worse to continue it. Your kids are so lucky to have a dad like you!

February 18, 2023

I'm wondering if I should have gone in for a scan after the mugging, in hindsight, not that it helps me much to wonder now. Although, even if I had a scan, not sure it would help untangle what is a med symptom and what is a symptom of getting punched so hard that I fell back and hit my head.

Fogginess, memory issues, could be either! The orbital bone is still so tender in some spots, but the bone bruise is fading as time goes on and the tender pain isn't as acute.

I thought the PTSD was getting better too, but last night I was walking up to my front porch in the shadows he snuck up on me from, and remembered getting attacked so viscerally I could feel the blow on my eye. Weird, strong little flashback. Well, recovery is always ups and downs! Guess I'm still processing.

Well, a big ole silver lining of this was that it finally pushed me to make that therapy appointment I'd been talking about pursuing for far too long! So glad I did, this guy is pure gold so far.

February 18, 2023

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

I thought the PTSD was getting better too, but last night I was walking up to my front porch in the shadows he snuck up on me from, and remembered getting attacked so viscerally I could feel the blow on my eye. Weird, strong little flashback. Well, recovery is always ups and downs! Guess I'm still processing.

This doesn’t mean it’s not getting better. It just means it’s not completely better yet

February 19, 2023

4 hours ago, Thorin said:

This doesn’t mean it’s not getting better. It just means it’s not completely better yet

Thank you, Thorin! I needed that one. I wouldn't hurry anyone else through recovery, gotta be patient!

February 19, 2023

14 hours ago, j1290 said:

Are you taking pills at 8 different times during the day? How do you manage that?

Ha, I'm officially not managing it! Popped a Gabapentin at 4, then realized that's not right. Also, not sure how I'll manage with the fragments on days I'm outside the home.

Official new goal: get back on SR, this is really not manageable. I'm kinda shocked I've been able to keep up with it so far, but still, big oops on taking pill at wrong time.

February 19, 2023

🌈 I 😱 am 🤯 not 😶 coping 😓 well! 😎✨ But putting emojis in there made me teeheehee. I wish I could take time off work and do some sort of outpatient program a couple times a week, and that's simply not an option at the moment. Time to add in some more coping skills, perhaps? This train don't stop, there's no getting off.

February 19, 2023

39 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Ha, I'm officially not managing it! Popped a Gabapentin at 4, then realized that's not right. Also, not sure how I'll manage with the fragments on days I'm outside the home.

Here's what springs to mind at first thought if I were going to try a smiliar pill taking schedule.

I'm the king of checklists for repetitive work routines where it's easy to make a mistake. I'd set up alarms for the doses, then whip out my checklist that says what pill I take at what time. Then I'd have another checkbox for verifying the doseage(half pill or what have you) so that I actually looked at it, then I'd take a photo of the pill so I could verify later if I had any doubt, then down the hatch and take the pill. I might even make a check box for the photo so I don't forget. Also I love checkboxes. 🤷‍♂️

☑ 8 AM - FIRST PILL
☑ 100 MG
☑ PHOTO
☑ 9 AM - SECOND PILL
☑ 50 MG
☑ PHOTO

I'd print out my list and keep it in my pocket. I don't like the way it feels to have to carry a list of pills around in my pocket, but this is war, soldier, and war is hell! 😄 Sometimes you have to embrace the suck.

Personally, I have a weekly pill tray at home, plus one in my brief case at work. I also sometimes forget to bring it home and refill the work pill tray so I keep extra bottles in the same briefcase.

Finally I keep extra bottles in my car because sometimes I run off to do an errand and forget it's almost pill time.

Forgive my passion for checklists, Littlebird, I got excited at the prospect of making one up 😆

It's ridiculous, of course, but I think this whole process of tapering is ridiculous. I just have to roll with it.

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

🌈 I 😱 am 🤯 not 😶 coping 😓 well! 😎✨ But putting emojis in there made me teeheehee.

This cracked me up too!

February 19, 2023

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

🌈 I 😱 am 🤯 not 😶 coping 😓 well! 😎✨ But putting emojis in there made me teeheehee. I wish I could take time off work and do some sort of outpatient program a couple times a week, and that's simply not an option at the moment. Time to add in some more coping skills, perhaps? This train don't stop, there's no getting off.

Honestly @littlebirdI think you’re amazing. You’re working more than full time (from what I can deduce), you have trauma from both distant and recent past, you have a wedding coming up, and you have a bundle of medications you’ve taken on trust from medical professionals. You're juggling all of that while you you’re trying to sort out what all of these meds do for you and which one you can safely taper. Then fate dealt you a h3ll of a blow by sending you a mugger who attacked you in your safe place! (Fate can be such a jerk sometimes.) I applaud you for getting on and keeping on going!

Can you just read that back and think about what you’d think if it was someone else? You’d be in awe of their strength and determination.

Plus! You find time to be so kind and supportive to us on here AND your friends. And I have never once heard a shred of self pity in your writing which is really entertaining and fun.

Can I get a round of applause for littlebird? 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🙏

February 19, 2023

5 hours ago, littlebird said:

Thank you, Thorin! I needed that one. I wouldn't hurry anyone else through recovery, gotta be patient!

The journey’s as long as the journey as they say (never actually herd anyone say that. May have just made it up but it sounds true). Patience is difficult but important!

February 19, 2023

4 hours ago, j1290 said:

I might even make a check box for the photo so I don't forget. Also I love checkboxes. 🤷‍♂️

I need to get on your level! Had a moment just now of, "Wait, I think I remember taking Pristiq, and it's past time. Or am I remembering taking it last night. Did I take it or not??"

I literally have no idea if I actually took it tonight. Oh no!! I wish I had a way to look inside myself and check. I think this means it's checklist time.

4 hours ago, j1290 said:

Forgive my passion for checklists, Littlebird, I got excited at the prospect of making one up 😆

I love it! I'm trying to bring more checklists in at work to help me keep everything in the air, and I appreciate you making one for me for meds! It's time, memory is not what it was pre-tapering. A checklist I made for a complicated process at work last year has been saving my buns in this foggy present! Team checklist!

42 minutes ago, Thorin said:

The journey’s as long as the journey as they say (never actually herd anyone say that. May have just made it up but it sounds true). Patience is difficult but important!

I love it, I'd hang that on the wall!

"The journey's as long as the journey,"

Thorin

You're right, it'll be however long it takes! As much as I'd like to already be at the damn finish line, or even in sight of it. 😂

February 19, 2023

4 hours ago, Fifree said:

Can you just read that back and think about what you’d think if it was someone else? You’d be in awe of their strength and determination.

Plus! You find time to be so kind and supportive to us on here AND your friends. And I have never once heard a shred of self pity in your writing which is really entertaining and fun.

Can I get a round of applause for littlebird? 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🙏

THANK YOU!!!! I had to read this, take it all in, and then read it all over again. Feels like I just got into a warm bath of self-acceptance and encouragement. Thank you so much for big upping me, I so needed it! Feeling more powerful than I have all day. 😤😎

February 19, 2023

3 minutes ago, littlebird said:

literally have no idea if I actually took it tonight. Oh no!! I wish I had a way to look inside myself and check. I think this means it's checklist time.

Ok. I’ve been using an app called…… Timestamp camera? I take a photo of myself making up the solution (it’s automatically dated and shows the time and location as well) and then I take a photo when I take my dose as well. This way when my monkey mind or med affected memory start playing up I can just check my photos and see I had the correctly made suspension, at the correct dose, at my house, at this time. It helps a lot!

6 minutes ago, littlebird said:

4 hours ago, j1290 said:

Forgive my passion for checklists, Littlebird, I got excited at the prospect of making one up 😆

I love it! I'm trying to bring more checklists in at work to help me keep everything in the air, and I appreciate you making one for me for meds!

Timestamp works well but I don’t want to get in the way of a good checklist! It’s damn satisfying to check things off…..

7 minutes ago, littlebird said:

love it, I'd hang that on the wall!

"The journey's as long as the journey,"

Thorin

You're right, it'll be however long it takes! As much as I'd like to already be at the damn finish line, or even in sight of it. 😂

That made me grin @littlebird. I used to look at those quotes and roll my eyes. Now I look at them and emotionally think, damn that resonates. I love the idea of my quote hanging on your toilet wall to help you get through. Ha, that just made me grin again.

February 19, 2023

9 minutes ago, littlebird said:

I need to get on your level! Had a moment just now of, "Wait, I think I remember taking Pristiq, and it's past time. Or am I remembering taking it last night. Did I take it or not??"

I literally have no idea if I actually took it tonight. Oh no!! I wish I had a way to look inside myself and check. I think this means it's checklist time.

How many times have I gone through all of the above that you described so well? About a million. I'd have to leave work 😖 to go home and check to see if I took a pill or not. Not gonna lie, I don't miss the anxiety of all that one bit. If I could only do one thing I'd just take a photo of each dose religiously before taking it, and reference that if I was unsure if I took a pill or not. I fought it but being strict about this stuff really became second nature.

11 minutes ago, littlebird said:

A checklist I made for a complicated process at work last year has been saving my buns in this foggy present! Team checklist!

Pilots use them for landing and emergencies because we lose half our brain under pressure and distractions. With all that's going on, I've found them to be invaluable at work. In retrospect I'd probably not advertise the fact that I'm using them in business because of the misguided perception of some people that using them is a negative rather than a positive, come think of it. I'm going to manage whatever job I do next in a different way.

17 minutes ago, littlebird said:

You're right, it'll be however long it takes! As much as I'd like to already be at the damn finish line, or even in sight of it. 😂

LOL same!

February 19, 2023

5 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I’ve been using an app called…… Timestamp camera?

Love this, I gotta be like you and John and use more tools here. Having something to refer back to would help a lot! I seriously have no idea if Pristiq is in me or not at this moment... and it's probably worse to double up than skip, so I'm letting it ride while I kick myself.

7 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I don’t want to get in the way of a good checklist! It’s damn satisfying to check things off…..

So damn satisfying!! I should get back into when I used to have daily checklists, but I started them with something like "Drink water before tea," so I could start the day with a real easy win/check.

1 minute ago, j1290 said:

If I could only do one thing I'd just take a photo of each dose religiously before taking it, and reference that if I was unsure if I took a pill or not.

This would be a good habit to start. I might forget to check off my list, but if I get into this habit I'll have proof (even if I'm on the go).

2 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Pilots use them for landing and emergencies because we lose half our brain under pressure and distractions. With all that's going on, I've found them to be invaluable at work.

I'm committing to becoming a list person in work from here on out. Eating dinner tonight, I remembered something I meant to do at work (last week) and swore out loud. My stomach got all twisty with anxiety and I had to stop eating for a second.

If I'd put that item on a list, doubt that would have happened. Watch out world, littlebird is gonna be making a list (and checking it twice)! Plus, like Thorin pointed out, it's damn satisfying to check stuff off.

February 19, 2023

Log

Noisy neighbors woke me up early! Hope the next place we live is much more quiet.

10am - 100mg Gabapentin

11am - Terrible mood

11:30am - Looking forward to Wellbutrin just to feel differently

12pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

2pm - 100mg Gabapentin

4pm - Took 100mg Gabapentin by mistake, followed it up with 25mg Wellbutrin impulsively (I know, bad choice)

6:30pm - So stressed I might take a break to scream into a pillow

7:45pm - Completed daunting tasks!

8pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

10pm - 25mg Pristiq <- Maybe?? I have no idea if I took this or not. Going to start a physical checklist tomorrow, this schedule is officially Too Much

Midnight 100mg Seroquel, which is less than 10 minutes away, so I better post this and start winding down fast.

Tough day! Started off angry, waking up to slammed doors shaking the whole place, not enough sleep. Grumpy, trying to push through and get some work done to make up for taking some half days this week as meds adjusted.

I’ve been mad forgetful, y’all!!

What’s been helping

Distracting myself when thoughts get loud, been logging lots of time listening to music and podcasts.

Making myself do what I don’t want to do (often the key when it comes to depression and trauma responses): took dog for a walk (helped even more than I thought it would) and did dishes.

I've been reading more! I used to only make time for non-fiction, and I've been letting myself read for pleasure again (something that saved me as a kid).

Being kind to myself and easing up on the tough-talk. I dropped a ball at work, and was being hard on myself, but that just made me freeze and not act on picking the ball back up. Working on kindly talking to myself, mistakes happen (especially with med changes in the mix). Picking up the pieces and moving forward!

Gratitude

The hummingbirds are coming in hot! Had another one relax around me, a juvenile ruby-throated who has been visiting since he was a scrawny lil guy fresh out the nest.

Grateful I’ve been able to eat more! Anorexia is backing off, perhaps the increase in appetite when Wellbutrin was cut in half was what made it get fired up so badly the past few weeks.

My boss is so kind and understanding. I’m continuously grateful for the compassion and how I’m encouraged to be kind to myself, not beat myself up about mistakes, and build my confidence.

I’m so grateful for this community, if I’d never found it I’d still be taking a handful of interacting pills every morning, not to mention I’d be feeling a heck of a lot lonelier! Y’all brighten up my days.

February 19, 2023

29 minutes ago, Thorin said:

This way when my monkey mind or med affected memory start playing up I can just check my photos and see I had the correctly made suspension, at the correct dose, at my house, at this time. It helps a lot!

I love this! Just installed it. Very convenient and I love how you're using it.

31 minutes ago, Thorin said:

It’s damn satisfying to check things off…..

It never gets old 😂 I like the repetition of a list because it's like looking at flash cards and gets imprinted on the brain, and I can force myself to actually verify what I have written down instead of glossing over it before I tick that box. Most of the time.

20 minutes ago, littlebird said:

I'm letting it ride while I kick myself.

Even with my failsafes I've had this situation more than once. Because I didn't follow my own procedure 🤣 The lessons learned the hardway stick with me the longest.

24 minutes ago, littlebird said:

but if I get into this habit I'll have proof (even if I'm on the go).

Thorin's timestamp camera looks made for this. Very convenient. If I remember to use it 🤣

25 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Watch out world, littlebird is gonna be making a list (and checking it twice)! Plus, like Thorin pointed out, it's damn satisfying to check stuff off.

It really is. I sent out the message that I was frazzled and disorganized with my checklists/notepads etc, which is fine because that was the best I could do. In the future I'm resolving to be neater and send the message that I'm organized and thorough, get a high quality notebook instead of a legal pad. It's ridiculous how important appearance is over substance, but there it is.

February 19, 2023

28 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Love this, I gotta be like you and John and use more tools here. Having something to refer back to would help a lot! I seriously have no idea if Pristiq is in me or not at this moment... and it's probably worse to double up than skip, so I'm letting it ride while I kick myself.

If it effects you the way it used to effect me you’ll get brain zaps to let you know you’ve missed a dose….. I think it would be worse to double dose personally. I’ve done that once or twice during my taper and it was briefly difficult.

29 minutes ago, littlebird said:

So damn satisfying!! I should get back into when I used to have daily checklists, but I started them with something like "Drink water before tea," so I could start the day with a real easy win/check.

For sure. Just checking things off would make me feel like I was achieving stuff. Even if it was 1)drink health smoothie 2) do breathwork etc

31 minutes ago, littlebird said:

check.

37 minutes ago, j1290 said:

If I could only do one thing I'd just take a photo of each dose religiously before taking it, and reference that if I was unsure if I took a pill or not.

This would be a good habit to start. I might forget to check off my list, but if I get into this habit I'll have proof (even if I'm on th

Reading that John did this (way back) was what gave me the idea for using the Timestamp app. It helps!

February 19, 2023

2 minutes ago, j1290 said:

In the future I'm resolving to be neater and send the message that I'm organized and thorough, get a high quality notebook instead of a legal pad. It's ridiculous how important appearance is over substance, but there it is.

Ooh, a nice notebook goes a long way! It would be nice if we didn't have to think about appearances, but it does play a role at times unfortunately.

1 minute ago, Thorin said:

Just checking things off would make me feel like I was achieving stuff. Even if it was 1)drink health smoothie 2) do breathwork etc

I'm going to get back into it tomorrow! It felt good to start my day off with a win, even if it was an easy one like brush my teeth or hydrate. I gotta get back into breathwork too, glad you're finding it helpful.

2 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Reading that John did this (way back) was what gave me the idea for using the Timestamp app. It helps!

Installing it now! Awesome, I'm going to be better prepared to be on top of schedule tomorrow. Thank you!

4 minutes ago, Thorin said:

If it effects you the way it used to effect me you’ll get brain zaps to let you know you’ve missed a dose….. I think it would be worse to double dose personally. I’ve done that once or twice during my taper and it was briefly difficult.

At this point in the night, too close to Seroquel time to take it, it's becoming clear I didn't take Pristiq tonight: I'm wound up way too tightly, usually it makes me dumb and sleepy.

Brain zaps, I might be feeling you tomorrow!! 😬 Oof, made a real cock-up of the schedule a few ways today. Welp, all I can do is try to better tomorrow (and go easy on myself for making honest mistakes).

February 19, 2023

Woke up to discover I'd missed something! I thought I had something happening today, it was last Sunday. Fudge.

Well, this is par for the course lately.

I'm kicking myself, so I'm going to focus on some upsides:

- I have more time to work today (is this an upside?)

- The thing I missed was going to mess up my med schedule for one of the med times, now noon med can happen at noon

- This is an opportunity to practice self-compassion and be kind to myself. Mistakes happen!

February 19, 2023

I feel like I'm losing my mind. Beyond dropping balls, there's also other weirdness in my memory. I thought I'd talked to my boss about him having a call with someone... who he's never talked to, so I either confused that client with someone else or made that up entirely. I could've sworn we had a conversation about his call with them.

Woke up today and could see in my mind's eye what I thought was a new client signing up for a trial, then went to my inbox... and nothing. I could so see it, and half-remember the name, and searched through all the other company inboxes for them.

I guess I dreamed it last night. This client doesn't exist.

What the **** is going on with me?? Trying to calm myself down thinking about how I took a nose-dive after halving Wellbutrin dosing for a couple weeks, then did a relatively large 25% taper up to fix the mistake. This is just adding to the anxiety, the knowledge that I did this to myself.

You know what, I was going to work today... I think this is a sign I shouldn't. Gonna give my brain a day off from work, we're coming into a packed week and I should start tomorrow fresh.

******* looooooosing it, y'all! Feels like I don't have a grip on reality. Gonna lean into it, reality is an illusion! Nothing is real, and boundaries between worlds are fallacies. I don't know where I'm going with this, I think I'm trying to regain control by letting go of it. Throwing myself into the void, let's see where I land!

February 20, 2023

Okie dokie, I think I might be lowkey addicted to work. I told myself I wasn't going to work today (after a short task I impulsively did earlier), and it's hard to stick to it. I know it would be healthier not to work right now. I worked as a trauma response in the past, and burned myself right out.

The craving switched to wanting a drink. I don't even like drinking that much, but I just want to feel differently than I do now. Not going to drink, I know I'd feel worse later. It would make me feel more normal to be able to crack open a beer, but I would be making any shaky normality I have less stable.

This wave has gale force winds and is turning into a storm! Hanging on hard, not gonna drink, not gonna hide in work. Ugh, feelings! Gonna try to drown out backyard DJ's techno with some noise cancelling headphones and something more calming.

I'm antsy and really white-knuckling this day, maybe doing something around the house would help? There are always dishes and laundry to do, and I might feel better having accomplished something that makes my life better instead of spinning out on the internet.

Before I go, more emojis! 🌈 I 👽 am 👻 losing 🙉 my 🧠 mind! ✨ Ha, it totally worked all over again and I'm chuckling to myself.

Ok, enjoying the last of this cigarette, not going to chain smoke this away, then I'm going to put some dish gloves on my sensitive hands and some music in my sensitive ears and see if I can scrub away my tough day a little bit. 😤

February 20, 2023

13 minutes ago, littlebird said:

try to drown out backyard DJ's techno with some noise cancelling headphones and something more calming.

Oh, man, I heard those Apple pro max ones are amazing! I use some airpods with active noise cancelling, sometimes to sleep. It's incredible how well they work to block out noise. But yeah noise pollution is a pet peeve of mine.

18 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Before I go, more emojis! 🌈 I 👽 am 👻 losing 🙉 my 🧠 mind! ✨ Ha, it totally worked all over again and I'm chuckling to myself.

This gave me a good long chuckle haha! It was much appreciated in this part of the world.

Sometimes when I get emotionally stuffy, I look to distractions to avoid the emotional release that is always sure to follow. I should just put on Morrissey and let the feelings arrive as welcome guests instead of requiring them slowly make their own way over. I never outrun them anyway, but I still try 🤷‍♂️

February 20, 2023

2 hours ago, j1290 said:

This gave me a good long chuckle haha! It was much appreciated in this part of the world.

Good! Happy to report: 🌈 my 🦄 mood 🦦 got 🤠 better! 🧞‍♂️ Feels like I'm detoxing emotionally, which is welcome if intense and destabilizing at times.

2 hours ago, j1290 said:

Oh, man, I heard those Apple pro max ones are amazing! I use some airpods with active noise cancelling, sometimes to sleep. It's incredible how well they work to block out noise.

I yearn for these!! I love my little noise cancelling airpods, but they drive my partner up a wall at times: the noise cancelling is too good and I won't hear an alarm go off or the dog barking. 😬

3 hours ago, j1290 said:

But yeah noise pollution is a pet peeve of mine.

You and me both, my friend! The noise cancelling is not taking the edge off my neighbor's booming music. I'll take music over slamming doors any day, though!

Realized I've never lived anywhere quiet since leaving home, or anywhere that wasn't all concrete. I'm seriously craving peace in a lot of ways (and one can only garden so much in containers).

Well, some folks say new moons are a good time to manifest, and it's a new moon, so let's go: I'd love to have a comfortable, sunny, quiet, happy home with a garden of my very own! My dog would love to have grass to run around on too. My partner and I could use some dedicated workspace, with good light and space for both of us. Ideally with lovely neighbors who become friends, in a safe place with access to lots of nature for hiking and camping. Close to a dog-friendly beach, with gorgeous weather, because we're manifesting here baybeeeee! 💫

February 20, 2023

Log

Slept weird, bad dreams and lots of night sweat.
10am - 100mg Gabapentin
12pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR
2pm - 100mg Gabapentin
3pm - Emotionally blunted, feeling numb
4pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR
5:45pm - Numb replaced by anxiety and stress!
6pm - 100mg Gabapentin
6:45pm - Stressed, depressed, feeling deep despair
8pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR
10pm - 25mg Pristiq
Midnight-ish - 100mg Seroquel

I jacked myself up with this Wellbutrin dosing mistake. Can’t remember the last time I had a window. I keep remembering painful things that make me wince or swear out loud. Heavy heart, sad brain, hard times, but every storm runs out of rain eventually!

Said earlier I wasn’t going to work today, then listened to a podcast interviewing someone I simply had to pitch. Kept it short, and now I’m going to switch gears and take dog on a hike. I think now I logged enough hours this weekend to make up for taking a couple half days during the week, time to call it a day with all that.

Setting boundaries with myself around work and free time

Gratitude
Went for a long hike with my partner and dog, so nice to get out in nature. Hoping I can do that more often!

Saw some cool birds today!

My dog is very cute, she makes life so much better!

February 20, 2023

20 hours ago, littlebird said:

I could so see it, and half-remember the name, and searched through all the other company inboxes for them.

I guess I dreamed it last night. This client doesn't exist.

Guess what? That client signed up for a free trial last night and was in our inboxes today. 😮 Are prescient dreams a common side effect?? Weird!!

February 20, 2023

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

21 hours ago, littlebird said:

I could so see it, and half-remember the name, and searched through all the other company inboxes for them.

I guess I dreamed it last night. This client doesn't exist.

Guess what? That client signed up for a free trial last night and was in our inboxes today. 😮 Are prescient dreams a common side effect?? Weird!!

This is a dream client, literally. I love them. They're hard at work using our features and have had very useful feedback for me about user experience. I am feeling very weird that I dreamed this, but I'll take the blessings any way they want to come.

I feel so tingly and odd about this. Has anyone else ever had a dream like that? This is too wild! Okay, trying to limit my time on here today. It's a packed Monday and I need three more of me.

February 20, 2023

As Wellbutrin kicks in, I'm spinning out over small things. Do we use the British or American spelling of words? We're in America, so that one right? Canceled or Cancelled? Both are correct!

Such a small thing, and I was confidently choosing American spelling as I edited some things. Then Wellbutrin kicked in and I'm spinning in self-doubt.

Really wishing I had a lower dose option for SR so I'd have that steadiness, but maybe not at the higher dose I was at. I'm coping at 75mg, better than 50mg, but I miss the steadiness of the 100mg SR.

February 20, 2023

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

As Wellbutrin kicks in, I'm spinning out over small things. Do we use the British or American spelling of words? We're in America, so that one right? Canceled or Cancelled? Both are correct!

Such a small thing, and I was confidently choosing American spelling as I edited some things. Then Wellbutrin kicked in and I'm spinning in self-doubt.

Sometimes, I envision self-doubt like a snow ball going down a mountain and growing larger and larger as it rolls where it can start as something small but grow, quickly.

I hope that you can be compassionate with yourself when feelings of self-doubt arise.

February 20, 2023

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

Really wishing I had a lower dose option for SR so I'd have that steadiness, but maybe not at the higher dose I was at. I'm coping at 75mg, better than 50mg, but I miss the steadiness of the 100mg SR.

I know it may be difficult to fit in more dosages in you daily med scheme.

But spreading the 75mg over more daily dosages will give an effect more like SR.

More dosages per day and each lower in mg, will probably create a feeling like extended release.

IR can kick in very hard as you notice...

littlebird: tried tapering Pristiq - will try tapering Wellbutrin instead

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