littlebird: tried tapering Pristiq - will try tapering Wellbutrin instead

[littlebird]

16 hours ago, Thorin said:

! Some people have continued to drink throughout their taper. I find it messes with me so I don’t.

 

The lil rebel in me doesn't want to admit it, but I do feel a lot better since cutting out alcohol. Doesn't mix well with the cocktail I'm prescribed! I miss actual cocktails, but someday I'll have a green light to drink.

 

Dammit, all the same, it was a frustrating day and I want a dang drink. *sigh* Sparkling water with a slice of processing feelings it is! 😓

[littlebird]

Log

10am - 100mg Gabapentin

12pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

2pm - 100mg Gabapentin 

4pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

6pm - 100mg Gabapentin

8pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

10pm - 25mg Pristiq

12am - 100mg Seroquel

 

It’s a slow, rainy Monday. Missing being able to work outdoors! Feels a bit cramped at times when the weather is bad and we’re rattling around in here working from home. Maybe one day I’ll live in a climate or have a weatherproof set-up where I can work outdoors all the time!

 

What's been helping

Music

Talking about what I'm feeling

Letting myself process things with compassion

Listening to my body

 

Gratitude

The sun came out in the afternoon and my mood perked up!

 

Giving anorexia what-for today and eating food like a good lil human. Anxiety gets out of control when I restrict, so I gotta keep battling on this front. Ate meals and even snacked (maybe too much but hey).

 

Body was aching by the end of the day, and my sweet partner scrubbed out the tub so I could soak my sore bones. This sort of act of love is made especially poignant as I work through childhood neglect things. I’m taking a moment to time travel to a younger self and tell them, “It gets better. You will be loved and cared for, and have someone wonderful to love and care for in return,” before I hobble into bath

 

Tomorrow marks two weeks of stable schedule after fixing med mistake! Feeling about the same every day, which means stability I guess?

 

Grateful for the laughs with y’all, I’m glad we find some fun.

[Fifree]

13 minutes ago, littlebird said:

This sort of act of love is made especially poignant as I work through childhood neglect things. I’m taking a moment to time travel to a younger self and tell them, “It gets better. You will be loved and cared for, and have someone wonderful to love and care for in return,” before I hobble into bath

That's so beautiful. I've got goosebumps and a little something seems to be stuck in my eye.🥲

 

Glad you're feeling stable again littlebird. What's the next step? Pristiq or WellyB?

 

 

[j1290]

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

Feels a bit cramped at times when the weather is bad and we’re rattling around in here working from home. Maybe one day I’ll live in a climate or have a weatherproof set-up where I can work outdoors all the time!

Sounds divine!  I know some people in a tangental job to mine that work from their sailboat.  Sitting here in the Warehouse of Gloom, I could go for the fresh air.  The monsters can keep this place, jungle room included.  

 

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

as I work through childhood neglect things.

It's so hard to heat that can of soup for myself.  Good on you.   

 

[Thorin]

On 2/25/2023 at 5:40 PM, littlebird said:

Okie dokie, some days you have to surf bigger waves than others! Unexpectedly hard day, but I coped. Part of me wanted to have a drink after a long day week month.

 

Funny how a part of me very much just wants an easy way to feel better! Did not have a beer, as much as I'd like to have been able to crack one like a normal person. I think I need to have sparkling water in the house, that might feel like a decent replacement.

 

Feeling like I've gone a couple rounds in the ring of life today, and took some hits. All I want to do is call it a night and hit the reset button by falling asleep, but I'm on this damn med schedule and I'd have to skip Pristiq to take Seroquel since they interact OR just stay up till midnight. 

 

I'm having a bit of a complain, and I guess that's what I need. Sometimes life is hard, and we just have to pick ourselves up and keep putting one foot in front of the other to get to a less hard part of life. Gosh, we're a persistent and patient bunch!

Only just saw this post but I’m glad I have. It reassures me that I’m not alone on having difficult days. Nothing wrong with having a bit of a complain and where better than this to vent? We’ll listen! Sorry you had a bad day. Hope you’re having better ones.

[littlebird]

On 2/4/2023 at 6:41 PM, Altostrata said:

If you don't mind, please let me know when you've been on a consistent schedule for 2 weeks. I'll stop by then.

 

The first two weeks of this, in the switch from SR to IR, I accidentally 50% tapered myself after badly misreading your instructions about the switch to IR. It was an increasingly terrible two weeks, but luckily @Go2zero caught my mistake and suggested I bump up to 75mg Wellbutrin IR (25mg 3x a day). Thank god, that was getting really bad. I think I was heading towards inpatient if I'd kept that 50mg a day up.

 

I have now been on that dosing, with the same schedule for 2 weeks:
10am - 100mg Gabapentin 
12pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR
2pm - 100mg Gabapentin
4pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR
6pm - 100mg Gabapentin 
8pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR
10pm - 25mg Pristiq (moving this to night was a great change, as sleepy/dumb as it makes me)
12am - 100mg Seroquel

 

I’m doing much better than I was at 50mg since moving up to 75mg Wellbutrin IR, and feel I’ve now pulled out of the worst of the dosing change. I feel stabilized, now feeling the same every day, yet like it’s not as effective for focus and mood as it was as 100mg SR. The many, many times a day are also wearing on me, but it’s 100mg SR or nothing so I’d have to bump big time to get back on it.

 

Long story short: I messed myself up big time and lost a lot of ground this past month. I miss the focus that came with the SR, and my mood has been low all month. Hard to laugh or smile, and when I do, it’s often at things that are pretty dark. My energy and motivation took a big hit too.

 

Not really sure what Pristiq is doing for me at this point, although since moving it to 10pm I’m enjoying the sedating effects more. Although, that seems like a paradoxical reaction: it seems to amp other people up. Weird.

 

Would it be safe to bump back up to 100mg SR? If I was doing well, I’d take the taper win and stay here, but… this was too much too fast. Also this schedule doesn’t feel too sustainable, especially with some busy months coming up. I'm barely handling this schedule during quiet times.

[Altostrata]

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

Would it be safe to bump back up to 100mg SR?

 

When did the dosing error occur?

 

You're taking so many drugs, if I were you, I would not increase anything.

[littlebird]

6 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

Would it be safe to bump back up to 100mg SR?

 

When did the dosing error occur?

 

Since the start of this month, right around the time you requested I have a stable 2 weeks before checking back in, so I stuck with it for way too long thinking I was just riding out the switch from SR to IR. I've been on the corrective 75mg dose for 2 weeks now.

 

6 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

You're taking so many drugs, if I were you, I would not increase anything.

 

I'm wondering if this 75mg is possibly a little too low, that's still way less than I should have tapered to in a month. Depression and focus issues are greatly impacting my day to day life, but I'm not having the intrusive suicidal thoughts I had at 50mg so that's a plus.

[littlebird]

I really dug myself a deep pit with that misreading of instructions, kinda can't believe how hard I took myself all over the map this month with dosing mistake. Hoping I didn't jack my brain up too much long term, trying to remind myself brains heal. I really messed up big time, though.

 

Can't believe that doctors keep telling me I should be able to cold turkey these dosages "easily," I'm might lose my temper with the next one who does.

[Altostrata]

14 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Depression and focus issues are greatly impacting my day to day life, but I'm not having the intrusive suicidal thoughts I had at 50mg so that's a plus.

 

It could be that now your dosage of Wellbutrin is less stimulating, adverse effects of those gabapentin doses are more prominent, as well as the Pristiq and Seroquel.

 

16 minutes ago, littlebird said:

I've been on the corrective 75mg dose for 2 weeks now.

 

Suggest you hang in for another 2 weeks, then reduce each gabapentin dose by 10% (10mg).

[littlebird]

1 minute ago, Altostrata said:

It could be that now your dosage of Wellbutrin is less stimulating, adverse effects of those gabapentin doses are more prominent, as well as the Pristiq and Seroquel.

 

Thank you!! I'd been wondering that, but also questioning my own judgment on everything after such a big mistake. The Pristiq makes me feel like I took a strong sedative, glad it's not jacking up my workday anymore and it's at night where that effect lands better.

 

The way my current dose of Seroquel bombs me out and makes me sleep through earthquakes and shootings, I think it's too much. It's nice to be able to get sleep, something cPTSD made difficult before, but I've been useless in emergencies (like dog needing to go to the vet late at night).

 

I've been wondering if there's a lower dose that will still help me get to sleep, but not knock me out to that degree. I'm also wondering how it affects me day to day. Seroquel is usually prescribed for disorders I don't have, and was given to me off-label for the sedating effects. Wondering how much emotional blunting this is doing.

 

3 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

21 minutes ago, littlebird said:

I've been on the corrective 75mg dose for 2 weeks now.

 

Suggest you hang in for another 2 weeks

 

Okay, I've also been wondering if this is something my brain can correct if I give it a little more time. Poor lil brain, I really put it through the wringer this past month! An honest mistake, but OOH what a mistake.

[littlebird]

11 hours ago, Thorin said:

It reassures me that I’m not alone on having difficult days. Nothing wrong with having a bit of a complain and where better than this to vent? We’ll listen!

 

Thanks, friend! Never know when a good day will sneak up on me through the fog of a seemingly bad one, like the sun coming through the clouds. Hoping we all have sunnier days soon!

 

12 hours ago, j1290 said:

Sitting here in the Warehouse of Gloom, I could go for the fresh air.  The monsters can keep this place, jungle room included.

 

Hopefully won't be long before you're free!! Fresh air is where it's at, I'm going to be in a better place mentally when the weather allows me to work outdoors more. I miss working on my front porch! That used to be my "rainy day office" pre-mugging. Maybe next spot we live will have some outdoor options! 

 

12 hours ago, j1290 said:

It's so hard to heat that can of soup for myself.  Good on you. 

 

Why is it so much easier to take care of others? Well, don't have to scratch the surface too hard to have some ideas...

 

13 hours ago, Fifree said:

Glad you're feeling stable again littlebird. What's the next step? Pristiq or WellyB?

 

Feels like I've got so many targets to potentially aim at! The more I try to feel all these out, the more I wonder if I'm blunting myself with too high a dose of Seroquel.

 

For now, I'm gonna just hold and stabilize the WellyB and see how I do with that in a few weeks! Gosh it's hard to be patient, that lil Go Faster Demon you named so well is trying to get me to make more changes, but it does not know best.

[Thorin]

9 hours ago, littlebird said:

WellyB

I like it

9 hours ago, littlebird said:

Seroquel

Of all the meds I’ve taken the antipsychotic is the worst. Having said that it did buffer a pretty big benzo taper and make it reasonably tolerable. The Seroquel’s probably helping you to sleep as well. 

[Thorin]

10 hours ago, littlebird said:

I've been wondering if there's a lower dose that will still help me get to sleep, but not knock me out to that degree. I'm also wondering how it affects me day to day.

A lower dose may be more tolerable….. but you may feel the impact of the other meds more….

 

10 hours ago, littlebird said:

Seroquel is usually prescribed for disorders I don't have,

I was given an antipsychotic for bipolar 2 depression. I’ve never had bipolar in my damn life and the psychiatrist I see now has confirmed that I do not have it. Grrrrrrrrr that makes me so damn angry!

 

10 hours ago, littlebird said:

and was given to me off-label for the sedating effects.

I’m seeing this more and more. It bothers me that they prescribe something so strong as a sleeping tablet. Disgusting.

 

10 hours ago, littlebird said:

Wondering how much emotional blunting this is doing.

If it’s anything like the med I’ve been tapering the emotional blunting is A LOT!

 

10 hours ago, littlebird said:

 

Okay, I've also been wondering if this is something my brain can correct if I give it a little more time. Poor lil brain, I really put it through the wringer this past month! An honest mistake, but OOH what a mistake.

The BEST thing I’ve done by far since starting this tapering business was decide to hold and go slow and low. Slower is definitely better for most people (not everyone). It’s so hard though when all you want to do is get off the poison!

[Fifree]

9 hours ago, littlebird said:

I'm gonna just hold and stabilize the WellyB and see how I do with that in a few weeks! Gosh it's hard to be patient

Good plan. Stable is good. It's nice to see you're no longer enduring the daily roller coaster of gabapentin high and Welly anxieties.  Must've been difficult. You've come so far.

 

I don't know much about APs (they actually stop your dopamine reactions or some such?) but drs seem to hand them out like jellybeans to everyone regardless of whether they're psychotic.  I wish both of you the best with getting off them.

[littlebird]

17 minutes ago, Fifree said:

Good plan. Stable is good. It's nice to see you're no longer enduring the daily roller coaster of gabapentin high and Welly anxieties.  Must've been difficult. You've come so far.

 

I can't tell if those are getting easier, or if I'm just more used to the ups and downs, or both. You're right, I was white-knuckling at first with the switch to IR! 

 

18 minutes ago, Fifree said:

I don't know much about APs (they actually stop your dopamine reactions or some such?) but drs seem to hand them out like jellybeans to everyone regardless of whether they're psychotic.  I wish both of you the best with getting off them.

 

I don't know if I could get off of them right now, my sleep is really impacted by PTSD, but it does feel like I was slammed with a high dose. Never had psychosis (as far as I know), and it has helped with sleep over the years, but I'm wondering about the long term effects of taking this off label.

 

27 minutes ago, Thorin said:

9 hours ago, littlebird said:

Seroquel

Of all the meds I’ve taken the antipsychotic is the worst.

 

It's like being put under general anesthesia, which I fully needed at one point with PTSD-related sleep avoidance, but now? Not sure I need all this. Plus, what's it doing to me when it's not knocking me out?

 

21 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I’m seeing this more and more. It bothers me that they prescribe something so strong as a sleeping tablet. Disgusting.

 

Seems pretty common, I'm meeting a lot of people who are on heavy-duty stuff off label for sleep or pain management. Wild.

 

23 minutes ago, Thorin said:

A lower dose may be more tolerable….. but you may feel the impact of the other meds more….

 

Ooh, that's an interesting thought. Gosh, we never know do we? The more I read about Seroquel, the more I realize that health issues I thought were completely unrelated to meds are listed as common side effects of this "sleeping pill." Jeezy creezy, what have I been doing to myself with this one? Hoping a lower dose also lowers other issues I've been having.

[littlebird]

Log

Slept deeply, but was so restless I tore that bed right up.

10am - 100mg Gabapentin

12pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

2pm - 100mg Gabapentin

2:30pm - Pounding headache. Meds or stress or both?

4pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

6pm - 100mg Gabapentin

8pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

8:30pm - Headache worse!

10pm - 25mg Pristiq

Midnight 100mg Seroquel

 

Had a terrible headache in the afternoon, pounding and feeling like there was too much pressure. Expressed to someone my frustration at the mugger stealing my front porch from me. It used to be my rainy day office, now it doesn’t feel safe to work on my laptop under the overhang. Felt angry and frustrated, then surprisingly started to cry and that eased my headach a little.

 

Doing some low level work, and even that is difficult in the cog-fog. Thinking back on how I started having trouble concentrating in school when my parents started me on meds. 

 

I’m having a lot of trouble planning for the future, or even organizing all the moving parts of my job now. This fogginess is not great.

 

Wedding planning ramping up. Stress-town!

 

This headache keeps getting worse. Feels like there is pressure in my head.

 

Gratitude

Sun broke through a little today, which was really nice.

 

Hummingbirds visited the feeders when the rain eased up, love to see my lil friends.

 

My insurance provider offered the option to get fast delivery of meds for $10. I messed up reordering Gabapentin, and this saved me a gap in meds!

 

Had a client reschedule, which is such a relief on a headache day! 

 

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but the electric mattress pad is a godsend in this chilly old building! I have fibromyalgia, and making my bed into a panini press has been wonderful on achey days. 

 

I gave myself a break on work (and wedding planning) to let brain try and relax. Headache eased a little bit!

[littlebird]

Oh my god, this headache!! Not sure what is bringing this on, it's got a different quality than the ones I've had in the past. Tried to be like @j1290 and DIY a headache hat with a bag of frozen peas I stuffed in a beanie. It helped a little with the WellyB "scalp on fire," but started to make headache worse with muscle tension and jaw pain, so I think the Crown of Ice is magic for John the Mighty alone. 

 

Finally broke, after a day of toughing it out, and took some IB Profen. Hoping it eases before bed, feels like I have a sinus headache but I don't actually have sinus pressure or a runny nose or anything like that. The weather is cold and weird, maybe barometric pressure affects my head? I have an old barometer that still works, maybe I'll keep an eye on it when headaches strike just to see if that plays into it. Could just be meds or random or plain ole stress.

 

1 hour ago, Thorin said:

10 hours ago, littlebird said:

WellyB

I like it

 

One thing about me: I've got to make things fun where I can. If I'm going to be targeting Seroquel/quetiapine in the future, I'm gonna need a nickname for it next. Serq? Quiet Pines? Quelly? It's a work in progress.

[Thorin]

57 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Finally broke, after a day of toughing it out, and took some IB Profen. Hopin

Sometimes you just have to 👍🏻

 

57 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Could just be meds or random or plain ole stress.

Ah back the old ‘is it meds or is it me conundrum’

 

58 minutes ago, littlebird said:

One thing about me: I've got to make things fun where I can. If I'm going to be targeting Seroquel/quetiapine in the future, I'm gonna need a nickname for it next. Serq? Quiet Pines? Quelly? It's a work in progress.

You do make things fun and I like it. Gonna think about this one….

[Thorin]

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

2 hours ago, Fifree said:

I don't know much about APs (they actually stop your dopamine reactions or some such?) but drs seem to hand them out like jellybeans to everyone regardless of whether they're psychotic.  I wish both of you the best with getting off them.

 

I don't know if I could get off of them right now, my sleep is really impacted by PTSD, but it does feel like I was slammed with a high dose. Never had psychosis (as far as I know), and it has helped with sleep over the years, but I'm wondering about the long term effects of taking this off label.

My basic understanding is that they suppress the release of dopamine. Which is funny because I was as diagnosed with adhd after being in an AP for a number of years. ADHD is largely a result of low dopamine levels.

 

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

It's like being put under general anesthesia, which I fully needed at one point with PTSD-related sleep avoidance, but now? Not sure I need all this. Plus, what's it doing to me when it's not knocking me out?

I hate APs with a passion. Their side effect profile is usually ridiculous 

[j1290]

12 hours ago, littlebird said:

I really dug myself a deep pit with that misreading of instructions, kinda can't believe how hard I took myself all over the map this month with dosing mistake. Hoping I didn't jack my brain up too much long term, trying to remind myself brains heal. I really messed up big time, though.

 

Can't believe that doctors keep telling me I should be able to cold turkey these dosages "easily," I'm might lose my temper with the next one who does.

I'm reading 4 different drugs, 8 different doses per day in your signature.  I was rocked for a year trying to figure out how to taper off just one of these, so if I were on 4 drugs I would expect a helluva lot of experimentation and pivoting to find out what works for me.  There's a path down AD mountain, Littlebird, and you'll find it.   I had to go down a dozen or two dead ends before I did.  

 

59 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Oh my god, this headache!! Not sure what is bringing this on, it's got a different quality than the ones I've had in the past. Tried to be like @j1290 and DIY a headache hat with a bag of frozen peas I stuffed in a beanie. It helped a little with the WellyB "scalp on fire," but started to make headache worse with muscle tension and jaw pain, so I think the Crown of Ice is magic for John the Mighty alone. 

****, sorry to hear that, 'bird.   I've found the Ice Crown to be a little intense sometimes as well.   Mostly I just use the DFWM hat for pressure, which it's pretty great at, or the old fashioned massaging or putting pressure on my head with my hand.  I find myself switching up during the day.  I actually sleep with the DFWM hat on, I love it(fashion aside).   

 

It's always the same game of managing WD symptoms for me.   Once again a really boring hobby, but so worth it to me.  

 

Hope you feel better after a rest!  Please let us know how you're doing.   

[j1290]

9 minutes ago, Thorin said:

One thing about me: I've got to make things fun where I can.

I accept this challenge.   

quetiapine

Q-pine

the big Q

'pine

Q

I like Quiet Pines

Quelly, Welly, and Serq?  

I like Serq a lot.  

 

I'd probably just switch it up on the daily.  It'll be fun to see what you come up with!

[j1290]

2 hours ago, Thorin said:

I was given an antipsychotic for bipolar 2 depression. I’ve never had bipolar in my damn life and the psychiatrist I see now has confirmed that I do not have it. Grrrrrrrrr that makes me so damn angry!

 

The less said the better but I have lots of opinions on this topic.   Really riles me up.   

[Thorin]

Just now, j1290 said:

The less said the better but I have lots of opinions on this topic.   Really riles me up.   

Just reading that post made me furious. Yep. Let’s not talk about it unless we’re both sitting and drinking in the type of bar where you can get away with throwing bottles at the wall in anger.

[Thorin]

7 minutes ago, j1290 said:

I accept this challenge.   

quetiapine

Q-pine

the big Q

'pine

Q

I like Quiet Pines

Quelly, Welly, and Serq?  

I like Serq a lot.  

 

I'd probably just switch it up on the daily.  It'll be fun to see what you come up with!

I’m thinking Tia. I know a Tia and she’s feisty…. But is Seroquel feisty……

roque? Because you sleep like a rock and APs make your brain work a bit like a rock? Hmmmmm

[j1290]

5 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Let’s not talk about it unless we’re both sitting and drinking in the type of bar where you can get away with throwing bottles at the wall in anger.

We have those here, but we probs borrowed it from 'straya 🙃

 

[Thorin]

3 minutes ago, j1290 said:

We have those here, but we probs borrowed it from 'straya 🙃

 

Awesome movie and love that scene! I could get into that for a night.

[Thorin]

7 minutes ago, j1290 said:

We have those here, but we probs borrowed it from 'straya 🙃

 

Thinking about it I’ve been to rougher bars in America than I have in Australia 😂

[littlebird]

8 hours ago, Thorin said:

I’m thinking Tia. I know a Tia and she’s feisty….

 

Tia is a cute name, sounds like someone having the most fun at a party. Maybe too fun and cute...

 

9 hours ago, j1290 said:

I like Serq a lot.  

 

I thought about this one as it took me under the waves of sleep last night, and I'm leaning towards Serq. Sounds like the name of a tattooed bouncer (who may have done some hard time in an Eastern European prison), more than prepared to put you in a chokehold and whisper, "Go to sleep."

 

8 hours ago, j1290 said:

9 hours ago, Thorin said:

Let’s not talk about it unless we’re both sitting and drinking in the type of bar where you can get away with throwing bottles at the wall in anger.

We have those here, but we probs borrowed it from 'straya 🙃

 

Sounds like a topic for a smash room! We can strap on protective eyewear and be angry and destructive. 

 

9 hours ago, Thorin said:

My basic understanding is that they suppress the release of dopamine. Which is funny because I was as diagnosed with adhd after being in an AP for a number of years. ADHD is largely a result of low dopamine levels.

 

Thinking not so fondly of the doc who put me on this, and threw some ADHD stimulants in the mix when it affected my day to day concentration, then tried to get me to add in daily benzos when the stimmies were too anxiety-producing (thank god I didn't start taking those every day on top of this cocktail). I've met drug dealers who push less!

[littlebird]

Just had a good, if brutal, therapy session. Brutal in the way of feeling all these cPTSD feelings. We went into some ugly stuff today. Developmental trauma, man! Nothing like it.

 

I appreciate that he took some time at the end to make sure I was feeling centered and didn't just say, "Time! Pull out your schedule, and go into the rest of your day raw and crying," like my last therapist.

 

I also appreciated that he pointed out as a mandated reporter, some of what I told him today was actionable. Kinda scary to think about, but I guess gives me more of a sense of agency. Not sure I want to dig up the contact info for my abuser or google him, though. Feeling pretty emotional. No one else has pointed that out, that action could/should be taken to stop the abuse of children... oof. Yikes. He offered to help with this. I'm putting a pin in it for another more stable time.

 

I was supposed to call my dad today, but after digging up all this childhood **** and remembering his terrible reactions when I told him about it as an adult... nah. He don't get a call today.

 

I'm in "wounded child first aid" mode. Feeling raw! Not gonna even try to work for a couple hours. I need to process.

 

Shoutout to my fellow cPTSD warriors! Doing the work hurts like hell, and we're brave as ****. 

 

Me, in 10 minutes.

[Thorin]

2 hours ago, littlebird said:

was supposed to call my dad today, but after digging up all this childhood **** and remembering his terrible reactions when I told him about it as an adult... nah. He don't get a call today.

I hear this and can relate. We don’t owe them anything at all…..

[littlebird]

29 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I hear this and can relate. We don’t owe them anything at all…..

 

Sometimes I have clarity around, "My parents are lucky I still talk to them, honestly," and sometimes I think, "They're old and not doing well and I 'should' give them time and care." 

 

If I remove the emotionality from it, and think about it as a Return on Investment for them, and do some logical math about care vs neglect, love vs harm, I swing back around to, "They're lucky I talk to them."

[littlebird]

2 hours ago, littlebird said:

Just had a good, if brutal, therapy session.

 

Realized I had a deadline today, and having trouble getting brain into work mode. Feeling like a hot mess! 😎 Good lord, just realized the time on the East Coast. Well... they'll get it tomorrow.

 

Trying to focus and push through and not make any mistakes. Whew, big work today in that therapy session!

[Thorin]

16 minutes ago, littlebird said:

 

Sometimes I have clarity around, "My parents are lucky I still talk to them, honestly," and sometimes I think, "They're old and not doing well and I 'should' give them time and care." 

 

If I remove the emotionality from it, and think about it as a Return on Investment for them, and do some logical math about care vs neglect, love vs harm, I swing back around to, "They're lucky I talk to them."

Spot on. Sometimes I get children’s guilt about how I feel about them. Then I quickly realise there’s a reason I have the struggles I do. They were pretty ******* horrific and my dad still expects me to be the parent in the relationship. I get guilt and anxiety about backing away but I have to. My mother passed away which makes things a LOT easier if I’m honest. She was so traumatised, messed up and toxic and I doubt she’d understand the things she did even now if she were alive. To her it was all just ‘normal’. She can’t see that every kid that grew up in that house is either ***** or has years of therapy ahead of them and years of meds behind them. Such a twisted person and she didn’t get it at all. No insight whatsoever. And if you dared try ti explain it you were the worst thing to ever exist!!!! Nope, it’s hard but I don’t owe them anything. They owe me if anything but I’m not going knocking on anyone’s door at this late stage. I’d welcome some effort from my father but it doesn’t seem to be coming so it is what it is now….

[Thorin]

19 minutes ago, littlebird said:

 

Realized I had a deadline today, and having trouble getting brain into work mode. Feeling like a hot mess! 😎 Good lord, just realized the time on the East Coast. Well... they'll get it tomorrow.

 

Trying to focus and push through and not make any mistakes. Whew, big work today in that therapy session!

I find that a hot then cold shower really grounds me then propels me like coffee into the office for work…. Your mileage may vary

[littlebird]

15 minutes ago, Thorin said:

They owe me if anything but I’m not going knocking on anyone’s door at this late stage. I’d welcome some effort from my father but it doesn’t seem to be coming so it is what it is now….

 

Yo, this part. It's so hard, I have trouble asking for help too so even if I was liable to go knocking... it's tough. Oof, childhood trauma!!

 

14 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I find that a hot then cold shower really grounds me then propels me like coffee into the office for work…. Your mileage may vary

 

I had a strong bracing cup of tea, listened to some music and shook off the feelings a bit, then pushed through and got the task done. Quadruple checked my work before sending, I'm in a fog. I think that's it for the day. I'm not able to work.

 

Right away, this session got real deep. Thank goodness I had tissues at my side ready to go. Oh my gosh, this stuff hurts. I see why people don't want to do the work! It hurts like hell going in, and seems to hurt no matter what coming out. Even if you compartmentalize it, these things tend to fester.

 

Today, under an angry part of me, found a wounded part and this attention and care has been a long time coming. Don't even know where to start with it tbh. Ouch!