littlebird: tried tapering Pristiq - will try tapering Wellbutrin instead

[littlebird]

Anorexia rearing up again, it's super hard to eat. Sometimes I can pinpoint why that's happening, but I'm not sure this time. If I had to guess, I'd point to being worried about being photographed for wedding? Outfits fitting for that? Maybe feeling out of control with how long it'll take me to get off cocktail? Losing control is a big trigger.

 

I stopped using a scale many years ago, so I don't know where I'm at with that number. With body dysmorphia, I can't always tell what's real when I look in the mirror so I can't tell if I've actually gained weight or it's the disordered thinking from anorexia.

 

I'd been feeling bad about eating so much chocolate/too much sugar in the past month or so, and my partner pointed out sometimes sweets are how I can break through the eating disorder to get food in my body. Made me have some more compassion and self-kindness, sometimes I gotta get calories any way I can!

 

Shout out to anyone else struggling with an eating disorder, including those who don't know yet! For years, I thought I was "weird about food" and "focused on eating healthy" and "fitness minded," totally in denial about what was going on. Hindsight is 20/20!

[littlebird]

Lunch hour stream of consciousness, metacognition time:

 

SO many teen years memories are being unlocked in this process. Which makes sense: I was a teen when I was first put on psych meds. Kinda wild how much was in a haze when I tried to think of high school and college before, and now things are coming back to me. I was poly-drugged at probably 16 or 17, on individual meds before that, and it was a haze to try to remember anything.

 

For awhile, just bad memories were coming back. Last night I started thinking that because of my mental health journey being so focused on trauma, I was predisposed to think that memories coming up had to be bad ones. Perhaps it's a self-fulfilling prophecy that my mindset had been, "Things coming up from the past are painful."

 

So, I put in a special order to my brain to serve up a variety of memories. Unlock things I was excited and happy about, what I was good at, moments of feeling belonging and hope. Let's unlock those from childhood too! I used to love to climb a tree with a backpack full of books and snacks. Great hiding spot, no one thinks of looking up when they're looking for you. Okay, we veered back into unpleasant territory. Back to happy!

 

I used to get so hopeful and happy when I saw green things coming up through the snow. It started with snowdrops, brave little delicate flowers who could brave the ice. I used to get so happy when I saw a green shoot poking through, and would move snow and debris so it could have as much sunlight as the overcast winter skies allowed.

 

Okay, putting in more requests to brain to unlock good stuff too! Let's see what happens.

[j1290]

7 hours ago, littlebird said:

SO many teen years memories are being unlocked in this process.

Super weird feeling, isn't it?   Sometimes I feel like I did when I was first put on this stuff at age 21, in a listening to Depeche Mode, driving too fast with the windows open and having fun kind of way.   It would be so great to find that feeling sticks at the end of this taper road, although I'd settle just for not needing the headache hat 🤣

[Thorin]

6 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Super weird feeling, isn't it?   Sometimes I feel like I did when I was first put on this stuff at age 21, in a listening to Depeche Mode, driving too fast with the windows open and having fun kind of way.   It would be so great to find that feeling sticks at the end of this taper road, although I'd settle just for not needing the headache hat 🤣

Weird you guys are talking about this. I feel so many parts of me coming back on line but by bit. A truly peculiar experience but very welcome. I hadn’t realised 90% of me was suppressed and buried.

[littlebird]

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

It would be so great to find that feeling sticks at the end of this taper road, although I'd settle just for not needing the headache hat 🤣

 

I have a feeling it might! Having more breakthrough happiness and laughs these days.

 

59 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Weird you guys are talking about this. I feel so many parts of me coming back on line but by bit. A truly peculiar experience but very welcome. I hadn’t realised 90% of me was suppressed and buried.

 

So weird!! So glad I'm coming back online and didn't just keep popping the handful of numb. As tough as the feelings can be, it's good to have them!

[Thorin]

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

It would be so great to find that feeling sticks at the end of this taper road, although I'd settle just for not needing the headache hat 🤣

I think it will stick. I think this is what we’re returning too as the meds slowly leave our body and our true personalities come forward again.

[Thorin]

6 minutes ago, littlebird said:

As tough as the feelings can be, it's good to have them!

I’m only just starting to understand how much of a person is their feelings.

[littlebird]

Each Gabapentin capsule has a weight discrepancy. They're all over the map, which makes me wonder how different my dosage is from day to day. Do I just find 5% off of whatever weight the med+filler is that day... or do I need to weigh a bunch of these and find the mean and calculate accordingly?

 

Wondering if liquid would provide a steadier dose. I'd also love to not fiddle around with powder.

[littlebird]

Log

Restless sleep, woke up with top sheet wrapped around my neck in a stranglehold

10am - 95mg Gabapentin + enzymes

12pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

2pm - 95mg Gabapentin

4pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

6pm - 95mg Gabapentin

8pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

10pm - 25mg Pristiq

11:15pm - headache

1am - 100mg Seroquel

 

Worklog - 6 hours (really struggling to do even that, hoping to get back to full time soon)

 

Didn’t fall asleep today!! 

 

Up late. Our co-founder is Ukrainian, they just got ******* slammed with attacks, and I was hoping to hear back from him before bed. Just did, thank god he’s ok. Woken up in the night by explosions and air raid sirens, got his kids to the basement, luckily no direct hits. He’s back at work in the active warzone, says work helps keep his mind off things. They're having a long, cold winter with too little heat and electricity. I'm always glad when he can come back online and we know he's okay. I’m shaky with relief that he’s safe and so ******* sad this is happening. Unexpectedly crying, oh wow.

 

Gratitude

Gorgeous, warm day!! Birds are out and singing, and it feels nice to be outside. We have some rain coming, so I’m gonna soak up the sun while I can today.

 

Went on a walk around the neighborhood by myself for the first time since the mugging. Felt very freeing. As scary as it was to get started, I enjoyed myself once I was out walking.

 

Took dog for a hike, got more exercise than usual. It was a glorious day, it felt like spring. Soaked up as much sunshine as I could to tide me over on the upcoming rainy days. 

 

I’m really enjoying the herbal tea I switched to, makes it easier to avoid caffeinated tea.

 

Glad my co-founder and his family are safe, wishing everyone was. 

 

As painful as emotions can be, I’m glad they’re coming back.

 

My partner is so patient and kind, glad I’m not in this alone anymore. “Time traveling” to lonely littlebird of the past to whisper in my own ear, “Keep your hope alive.”

[Altostrata]

18 hours ago, littlebird said:

Wondering if liquid would provide a steadier dose. I'd also love to not fiddle around with powder.

 

We recommend tapering with a liquid if possible.

[littlebird]

40 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

We recommend tapering with a liquid if possible.

 

Messaged doctor to ask about switching to liquid, haven't heard back yet. I was looking into making my own liquids, but it's going to take equipment I don't have. Any recommendations on how to moderate the differences in pills in the meantime? There's a 10+mg discrepancy in the pills I've measured. Should I just take 5% off the top of whatever the pill happens to be, since I've been taking the varied doses this whole time anyway?

[Altostrata]

14 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Should I just take 5% off the top of whatever the pill happens to be, since I've been taking the varied doses this whole time anyway?

 

That's 5% by weight of the powder? If you can do that, dosing would be consistent.

[littlebird]

Not sure if it's GabbyP taper, life stress, rainy day trapping me indoors, or all of the above and more... but I'm way more agitated than usual. Feels like my brain is full of buzzing bees. What does one do for agitation? I'm pacing, sorry downstairs neighbors, and feeling shaky.

[j1290]

27 minutes ago, littlebird said:

What does one do for agitation? I'm pacing, sorry downstairs neighbors, and feeling shaky.

I wish I had an easy answer for this, but exercising to exhaustion has been suggested to me and works when I do it.  I just get too tired to be mad.  Beats taking a pill.  

[littlebird]

1 minute ago, j1290 said:

I wish I had an easy answer for this, but exercising to exhaustion has been suggested to me and works when I do it.  I just get too tired to be mad.  Beats taking a pill.  

 

According to my phone, I've paced 3 miles. Maybe a little exercise is in order! Rainy days, man... missing being outdoors. Okay, gonna see if I can do a pushup or if I'm gonna be planking.

[Thorin]

3 minutes ago, j1290 said:

31 minutes ago, littlebird said:

What does one do for agitation? I'm pacing, sorry downstairs neighbors, and feeling shaky.

I wish I had an easy answer for this, but exercising to exhaustion has been suggested to me and works when I do it.  I just get too tired to be mad.  Beats taking a pill.  

Yep, movement. Especially high intensity movement has helped me in the past. Other people have said a bath with epsom salts. I find good magnesium helps with this. Your cannabis may help as well?

[littlebird]

5 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Yep, movement. Especially high intensity movement has helped me in the past.

 

Ah, my partner is working or I'd blast music and sing and dance my heart out!! Maybe some regular exercise would be good. Feels like eating nasty old vegetables to do a sit up or push up, tho. I would like to change this mindset.

 

6 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Other people have said a bath with epsom salts. I find good magnesium helps with this. Your cannabis may help as well?

 

I think I gotta find a way to chill the heck out, or I'll be fidgeting in the bath. Maybe exercise, then a bath. Glad you mentioned that, just got some magnesium for the bath in the post and I've been wanting to try it. I was reading we can absorb it through our skin, wonder if it stays local or can be distributed systemwide?

 

I also love to put a generous dose of cannabis tincture in the bathwater, it's so relaxing. Had to pour myself into bed last time I did that. Okay, maybe that's the ticket.

[Thorin]

18 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Maybe exercise, then a bath.

This, followed by:

18 minutes ago, littlebird said:

cannabis tincture

This sounds like it would do the job well.

[j1290]

29 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Yep, movement. Especially high intensity movement has helped me in the past.

 

21 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Maybe some regular exercise would be good. Feels like eating nasty old vegetables to do a sit up or push up, tho. I would like to change this mindset.

You said it better than I could.   I have an old exercise bike that's quiet and a pullup bar that attaches to the door way.   When I can convince myself to do them, they're pretty effective at helping with nervous tension.  Also helps significantly with the blood pressure.   

[littlebird]

26 minutes ago, j1290 said:

When I can convince myself to do them, they're pretty effective at helping with nervous tension.  Also helps significantly with the blood pressure. 

 

John the Mighty! Okay, I'm gonna try to get on your level with to do lists and exercising when I can. We have a pull-up bar in the backyard, but I just don't think I can do one of those after a lifetime of anorexia waifdom. I'm just a wispy little androgynous elf with arms like mushroom stalks, gotta maybe start with a bent arm hang to build up strength. 

 

Wren the Wordsmith, nerdy by name, nerdy by nature. 🤓 Tbh the only exercise that feels truly fun is dancing, maybe walking or hiking around in nature. Yoga was great, but woke up too much trauma. I can find something that feels fun (motivation) but also is a good workout.

 

Is LB (thanks for the abbrev, Thorin) going on a fitness journey??? Ooh, gonna get FIT! I can do this, tapering up my exercise! 😤

[j1290]

52 minutes ago, littlebird said:

with arms like mushroom stalks

Yeah, well, I'm not far from there myself   😂  

54 minutes ago, littlebird said:

maybe start with a bent arm hang to build up strength

That is certainly not easy and maybe I'll start doing some of those too.   Might be easier on the joints, I get tennis elbow.  

 

56 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Wren the Wordsmith, nerdy by name, nerdy by nature. 🤓 

This made me LOL

 

57 minutes ago, littlebird said:

I can do this, tapering up my exercise! 😤

That's a really great way to look at it. 

[littlebird]

Log

10am - 95mg Gabapentin + Enzymes

12pm - 25mg Wellbturin IR 

2pm - 95mg Gabapentin

4pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR 

6pm - 95mg Gabapentin

8pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

9pm - VERY agitated, tension headache

10pm - 25mg Pristiq

11pm - Headache increasing

12ish - 100mg Seroquel

 

I’m wound very tightly, and I’m thinking the 5% taper is getting to me. Might try Brassmonkey (that funky monkey) 2.5% method tomorrow and see if I’m a little more calm. 

 

This rainy day and small city apt have me pacing, not something I usually do. Feeling like a tiger in a small cage, missing being able to walk my dog and be outdoors. The low light probably affects my mood too, I want to growl at the whole world. 

 

My dog got prescribed Gabapentin too (she sprained her knee chasing squirrels on a hike yesterday). After my experience with GabbyP, I’ll be tapering her when it’s time for her to come off of it. No cold turkey for my tiny baby.

 

Noticed a pattern with tapering. At first, I have a rush of emotions and processing and floundering and reaching out a lot. Then, I get used to it and don’t post/read about tapering as much. Currently in the “posting a lot while mildly floundering” stage of this Gabs change.

 

Gratitude

Glad pup is all right and has medicine to help her feel better and stay relaxed and sleepy so her leg heals without her putting weight on it too much.

 

Super grateful to have a warm, dry home on a rainy night!

 

Today was a tough day, but I’m glad I was able to find little joys where I could.

 

As always, whether I mention it here or not, grateful for supportive community. Thanks, y’all!

[littlebird]

11 minutes ago, j1290 said:

This made me LOL

 

Making people laugh is my favorite! I've officially done something right today. 😎

[littlebird]

On 3/7/2023 at 9:03 PM, littlebird said:

I got a bad case of shingles years ago, and that nerve infection did lasting damage with pitted scars that never faded and postherpetic neuralgia in times where my body is particularly taxed. Feeling that pain extra much

 

I'm having the weirdest experience with this. Other than scars, usually there's no sign of the shingles/chickenpox virus that lives in my nerve cells. The one exception is when my body is being pushed too hard, then I'll get a hint of the electric pain that shingles was.

 

Since it "woke up" when I began tapering gabapentin, the neuralgia is driving me up a wall. It started off feeling like it did when shingles was starting, and now two days later my leg and joint in the area are inflamed and painfully throbbing. Elevating my leg, and doing a little research into postherpetic neuralgia. The first suggestion on this goshdarn list of how to treat it is (drumroll please) Gabapentin. 

 

I can't stop spinning out about how this virus will live in my nerves forever. Hoping and praying this pain eases as my body gets used to a lower dose of Gabapentin.... and that this isn't a sign shingles is coming back. That was a bad time.

 

I'd just been camping and assumed it was poison oak on my leg, so it went untreated for way too long and did a lot of nerve damage. I was sick as a dog before finally being taken to the hospital. I want to cry at the idea that shingles is coming back, it was truly excruciating. 

 

Having a little cry. I hate the feeling of losing control of my body (developmental trauma strikes again). Well, I guess I needed a little cry. Nerve pain ain't fun, y'all. Maybe I need to scrub out the tub and take a bath tonight. I'm surprisingly emotional!

[Thorin]

2 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Maybe I need to scrub out the tub and take a bath tonight. I'm surprisingly emotional!

Sorry you’re going through this. Bath will probably feel good.

[littlebird]

Just now, Thorin said:

3 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Maybe I need to scrub out the tub and take a bath tonight. I'm surprisingly emotional!

Sorry you’re going through this. Bath will probably feel good.

 

Thanks, friend! Better out than in, right? All these feelings have been in here with the volume turned down. Doing a million times more processing these tapering days! Sometimes lean on this community quite a bit to have a lil moan. Appreciate the support.

 

Trying to calm myself down with facts: if this comes back, I'll know what it is this time and can take anti-virals early enough to prevent the same level of damage. Also, it probably isn't coming back!! I just need to take care of my immune system so the virus stays latent.

 

Get your shingles vaccines, folks! Oh my god, it's the worst time, don't ever get it. Oh my god, this is so painful tonight! Might go have some CBD. I have a super high pain tolerance as a rule, but the nerves in my whole leg are in a bad way. Nerve pain is no joke! Okay, having compassion for myself for crying about this. This pain is pretty severe.

[littlebird]

Log

Restless sleep, woke up feeing v grumpy

10am - 97.5mg Gabapentin + enzymes

12pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

2pm - 97.5mg Gabapentin

4pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

6pm - 97.5mg Gabapentin

8pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

9pm - Severe neuralgia 

10pm - 25mg Pristiq

11pm - Very emotional, crying

11:30pm - neuralgia is the worst it’s been, crying in pain

12amish - 100mg Seroquel

 

The neuralgia is really, really bad! Had no idea gabapentin was helping me so much with that until it wasn’t. Get your shingles vaccines, folks! Don’t end up like me. Nerve pain is torture

 

Gratitude

The sun came out and it feels like spring! My mood is 1000x better than it was on the rainy day.

 

I went for a looooooong walk in the sun, good to tire myself out. Felt less agitated today.

 

My pup is feeling better! Gabapentin has her pretty sedated, but she’s feeling better enough to make trouble and protest, “Put me down, I can do it,” when we have to carry her up and down stairs. Gotta stay off the leg, lil one! Hoping she heals soon, and so glad it’s nothing too serious.

 

My partner is scrubbing out the tub so I can take a bath to try and ease the neuralgia. I’m so grateful for them.

 

Doing so much processing these days! So many memories and emotions were frozen in meds for decades. Glad to figure some things out!

 

Minnesota became a refuge state for trans people today! I really needed some good LGBTQ news, and I’m deeply grateful for this. 💟

[Thorin]

2 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Minnesota became a refuge state for trans people today! I really needed some good LGBTQ news, and I’m deeply grateful for this. 💟

Well that’s pretty damn cool. Just had a deep conversation about this with my ‘ex’ step-sister who grew up in the same house as me. She’s trans and I could just tell from an early age but she didn’t know that I knew until 12 months ago (we parted ways a long time ago and only reconnected 18 months ago). We had a really good, really candid conversation about what that meant for her and what it’s been like for her to live with.

[littlebird]

2 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Just had a deep conversation about this with my ‘ex’ step-sister who grew up in the same house as me. She’s trans and I could just tell from an early age but she didn’t know that I knew until 12 months ago (we parted ways a long time ago and only reconnected 18 months ago). We had a really good, really candid conversation about what that meant for her and what it’s been like for her to live with.

 

I'm so glad to hear you reconnected and talked about this! How is Australia with this? I haven't heard much about what it's like to be queer/trans there.

 

So glad she was able to transition, it really is often a lifechanger for people's mental health. I've seen people totally blossom and be happier than they've ever been - even in the face of all this against their existence. 

 

The natural world is full of creatures who transition, why not humans too? 

[Thorin]

1 minute ago, littlebird said:

m so glad to hear you reconnected and talked about this! How is Australia with this? I haven't heard much about what it's like to be queer/trans there.

I think as a whole we’re pretty progressive but we’re still lacking in so many ways. Particularly when you get out of the larger cities. MOST people are tolerant if not outright accepting. I grew up around it so I’ve always been super accepting and have no tolerance for people that are not accepting. Gay marriage and adoption is legal here (as it should be). Personally I love when people can be themselves and express themselves in any ways they see fit. Not everyone feels the same way. I hope that mostly people can live their lives the way they see fit here but I am aware that’s not always the case.

 

6 minutes ago, littlebird said:

So glad she was able to transition, it really is often a lifechanger for people's mental health. I've seen people totally blossom and be happier than they've ever been - even in the face of all this against their existence. 

Sorry, she hasn’t transitioned and still uses she/her. It’s complicated in this case because of the severe childhood trauma. 

 

8 minutes ago, littlebird said:

The natural world is full of creatures who transition, why not humans too? 

Completely true. SO many species do it naturally. 

[Thorin]

Just now, Thorin said:

9 minutes ago, littlebird said:

So glad she was able to transition, it really is often a lifechanger for people's mental health. I've seen people totally blossom and be happier than they've ever been - even in the face of all this against their existence. 

Sorry, she hasn’t transitioned and still uses she/her. It’s complicated in this case because of the severe childhood trauma. 

I’m glad you said this. I need to have another conversation with her about this. 

[littlebird]

2 minutes ago, Thorin said:

10 minutes ago, littlebird said:

The natural world is full of creatures who transition, why not humans too? 

Completely true. SO many species do it naturally. 

 

I was thinking about it today, and human advancement (like medical advancement) is a form of evolution... so we've evolved to do it too! I love reading about ancient trans and non-binary people. They're everywhere (in pre-colonial societies). 

 

3 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Sorry, she hasn’t transitioned and still uses she/her. It’s complicated in this case because of the severe childhood trauma. 

 

Ah, got it! So she's considering a transition to using he/him? Big jump! Glad there's a good brother like you in her corner.

 

4 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Personally I love when people can be themselves and express themselves in any ways they see fit.

 

Life is so much more beautiful when everyone can be in full bloom! Love the changes I've seen in my lifetime. HUGE change from when I was growing up!

[Thorin]

1 minute ago, littlebird said:

Life is so much more beautiful when everyone can be in full bloom! Love the changes I've seen in my lifetime. HUGE change from when I was growing up!

As a teenager my best friend was gay. For me, what that mean was that for the first time in my life I had a male that was emotionally affectionate with me. Something I needed badly. He had complete acceptance from me and I had a true friend in him. I was very lucky.

[j1290]

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

I got a bad case of shingles years ago,

**** sorry to hear this happened, LB.  

 

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

Nerve pain ain't fun, y'all.

I wouldn't wish that on anyone, much less a kind hearted soul like yourself.   Hope things lighten up for you!

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

Okay, having compassion for myself for crying about this. This pain is pretty severe.

Some of the best advice I got was to not be a tough guy and take a pill when I have to.  I don't know if that applies to you at all but I'm glad I've had the pills when nothing else would do.   I just looked up shingles and saw sure enough, Gabs recommended to deal with it.  Wouldn't surprise me a bit if tapering that had some connection in one way or the other, who knows with all this stuff.  

 

Hope you were able to find some relief!!!

[littlebird]

1 hour ago, Thorin said:

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

Life is so much more beautiful when everyone can be in full bloom! Love the changes I've seen in my lifetime. HUGE change from when I was growing up!

As a teenager my best friend was gay. For me, what that mean was that for the first time in my life I had a male that was emotionally affectionate with me. Something I needed badly. He had complete acceptance from me and I had a true friend in him. I was very lucky.

 

This sounds like a beautiful friendship! Glad you two had each other. This made my heart feel all warm to read. I remember that affection with friends as a teen being like water after struggling through a desert.

 

40 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Some of the best advice I got was to not be a tough guy and take a pill when I have to.  I don't know if that applies to you at all but I'm glad I've had the pills when nothing else would do.

 

Yeah, I try to avoid extra pills when I can, but sometimes catching something before it gets too bad is the way to go. Like with some headaches! Might have to do a deep-dive into non-prescription treatments... every article I found was a list of meds to take. Gotta be another way!

 

41 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Hope you were able to find some relief!!!

 

The bath with magnesium helped a lot, with my increasingly sore knees too. Finished my book in the tub, now ready for a good sleep! Gotta treat myself to baths more often, they're nice to calm down the nervous system too.

[RachelSusan]

@littlebird Hi, I am going through the same thing with the Gabapentin and shingles.  I had the shingles vaccine (both shots) and I still got shingles. I still have pain 14 months later even though it is slightly less, and when my body is stressed the electric pain comes back and a lot of the time the area still itches.  The good news is that I can see that slight improvement I mentioned, however it is very slow recovery.  And yes the treatment for shingles is Gabapentin.  I too am trying to reduce from the Gabapentin, which has been very difficult.  In fact I would go so far as to call it the drug from hell.

 

If you ever want to compare notes on the shingles and or the Gabapentin I would appreciate doing so. I hope you feel better soon.

Edited March 11, 2023 by RachelSusan