littlebird: tried tapering Pristiq - will try tapering Wellbutrin instead

[Thorin]

5 hours ago, littlebird said:

 

Realized I had a deadline today, and having trouble getting brain into work mode. Feeling like a hot mess! 😎 Good lord, just realized the time on the East Coast. Well... they'll get it tomorrow.

 

Trying to focus and push through and not make any mistakes. Whew, big work today in that therapy session!

Could be me talking about work

[Thorin]

5 hours ago, littlebird said:

Yo, this part. It's so hard, I have trouble asking for help too so even if I was liable to go knocking... it's tough. Oof, childhood trauma!!

Yup, can relate

 

5 hours ago, littlebird said:

I had a strong bracing cup of tea, listened to some music and shook off the feelings a bit, then pushed through and got the task done. Quadruple checked my work before sending, I'm in a fog. I think that's it for the day. I'm not able to work.

Sounds like a good way to manage! I’m the same. Have to triple check everything before I send! Yesterday I put together a budget and proposal and had a sick anxious feeling that I was missing something. I sent it off anyway and 30 mins realised what I had missed. Had to update the budget and resend it to the client. It’s not a big thing really but I still don’t like it.

 

5 hours ago, littlebird said:

Right away, this session got real deep. Thank goodness I had tissues at my side ready to go. Oh my gosh, this stuff hurts. I see why people don't want to do the work! It hurts like hell going in, and seems to hurt no matter what coming out. Even if you compartmentalize it, these things tend to fester.

Isn’t it excruciatingly painful at times. I hope it gets easier @j1290 said it did but I have also heard him talk about difficult sessions still. Makes sense though because if there was nothing difficult to work through you wouldn’t need it anymore.

 

5 hours ago, littlebird said:

Today, under an angry part of me, found a wounded part and this attention and care has been a long time coming. Don't even know where to start with it tbh. Ouch!

This parts are under all my anger I’m discovering. The first thing I do if I can is direct love to that part and then see if I can work out what it needs. Seems like a massive job. My abuse was so intense and lasted for such a long time. Surely there’s a way through though. People survive worse than what I’ve been through……

[j1290]

1 minute ago, Thorin said:

Isn’t it excruciatingly painful at times. I hope it gets easier @j1290 said it did but I have also heard him talk about difficult sessions still. Makes sense though because if there was nothing difficult to work through you wouldn’t need it anymore.

We're all different with different histories blah blah blah but yeah, it still sucks.  The worst of the trauma stuff has been addressed at least for now, and Iike any kind of spill in the kitchen you find stuff all over where you don't expect it and have to clean that up.   It's also less emergency triage and more nuanced stuff.  It's uncomfortable, but unlike CBT, EMDR has helped relieve trauma to a degree I never realized was possible.  Thank you for attending my TED talk.  

[Thorin]

28 minutes ago, j1290 said:

We're all different with different histories blah blah blah but yeah, it still sucks.  The worst of the trauma stuff has been addressed at least for now, and Iike any kind of spill in the kitchen you find stuff all over where you don't expect it and have to clean that up.   It's also less emergency triage and more nuanced stuff.  It's uncomfortable, but unlike CBT, EMDR has helped relieve trauma to a degree I never realized was possible.  Thank you for attending my TED talk.  

Ah another @j1290 TED talk. My favourite type of talk. Ok I like the fact that it’s more nuanced stuff rather than emergency triage or ‘survival’ stuff. That sounds promising! As we’ve discussed I do find EMDR incredibly effective but also brutally painful or at least very uncomfortable. Even the EMDR for Tinnitus brought  stuff up for me. I mean come on! I can link tinnitus back to trauma. Crazy

[littlebird]

1 hour ago, Thorin said:

Isn’t it excruciatingly painful at times. I hope it gets easier

 

It does seem to, I just ventured into an area I don't talk about much (if at all). Quite a wound still here it turns out! Seems like as time goes by these areas get less sensitive, like scar tissue forming.

 

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

Iike any kind of spill in the kitchen you find stuff all over where you don't expect it and have to clean that up. 

 

What a good analogy!! 

 

39 minutes ago, Thorin said:

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

Thank you for attending my TED talk.  

Ah another @j1290 TED talk. My favourite type of talk.

 

Ditto! Sign me up.

 

40 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I do find EMDR incredibly effective but also brutally painful or at least very uncomfortable.

 

Oof, yeah. Had the thought today that if it was this excruciating to just talk about it, EMDR about it would be terribly intense. Then I remembered that part of the reason EMDR was so intense was because it touched on this trauma. Anywho, glad it wasn't EMDR on this particular day! Just talk therapy was a lot. 

 

42 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I can link tinnitus back to trauma. Crazy

 

Kinda wild how much physical stuff can be linked back to trauma. Feeling some of it in my body right now, cool cool cool. I said at the end of the appointment that I wanted to take a shower that washed off my insides too, and I stand by that request.

[Thorin]

6 minutes ago, littlebird said:

does seem to, I just ventured into an area I don't talk about much (if at all). Quite a wound still here it turns out! Seems like as time goes by these areas get less sensitive, like scar tissue forming.

Oh yeah starting to talk about something you normally don’t is hard! Gets easier the more you talk about it though. The more I’ve talked about things the less shame I carry.

 

7 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Kinda wild how much physical stuff can be linked back to trauma. Feeling some of it in my body right now, cool cool cool. I said at the end of the appointment that I wanted to take a shower that washed off my insides too, and I stand by that request.

I know that feeling. If you find a way to truly wash yourself clean let me know please

[littlebird]

1 minute ago, Thorin said:

Oh yeah starting to talk about something you normally don’t is hard! Gets easier the more you talk about it though. The more I’ve talked about things the less shame I carry.

 

Oh yeah, started off with righteous rage, then discovered some layers of unexpected shame and guilt under there that were hiding a deep wound. I know it'll get easier the more I talk about it.

 

Makes me think I should maybe schedule a hike with a friend who had the same sort of trauma, maybe we can heal a bit in nature together. Talking about it helps, but it's one of those that if someone hasn't experienced it, they don't always know what to say and can say the wrong thing at times.

 

4 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I know that feeling. If you find a way to truly wash yourself clean let me know please

 

I'd love to walk into the ocean and have some waves crash over me. Feels like that's cleansing of more than just the physical form. It's also flipping freezing in the Pacific at all times, and especially now, so I'll have to schedule that for another time.

 

I did feel like I was so full of bad feelings today that I almost wanted to throw up (but not really), so I did lion's breath from yoga which is like you're exhaling every last thing in your body while making a gruesome face. I visualized the nastiness leaving with each breath, and it kinda helped.

 

Also did a LOT of "shaking it off" and moving body around. Ooh, so much trauma activated all up in here on this day! Being gentle with myself. Talking to you helped a lot today, thank you!!

[littlebird]

Log

10am - 100mg Gabapentin

12pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

2pm - 100 mg Gabapentin

4pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

5:15pm - Took a rest, logging some time at work

6pm - 100mg Gabapentin

6:30pm - Couldn’t work for long

6:45pm - Wait, did I actually take Gabapentin?? Damn this schedule.

8pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

10pm - 25mg Pristiq 

12am - 100mg Seroquel

 

After reading more about Seroquel, I realize that a whole set of physical issues I thought were separate are common side effects of this drug. I think this one needs to be lowered a bit: find a dose that still helps with sleep and hold maybe. With a slow taper! I’ve been on it for years. 

 

Feels like my brain is doing some deep work after a tough therapy session, maybe that’s why I’m so out of it. I feel like taking a nap, and that’s rarely something I do. Opened some areas I don’t usually think or talk about, and my brain feels like it’s getting a… I don’t know, software upgrade. And it needs a restart.

 

Note to Anorexia: I feel a lot better when I eat healthy meals! Steadier, centered, and less anxiety. So there!

 

Gratitude

Super grateful for this therapist! He’s quite good.

 

Glad I took time off work today after therapy today. I very much needed it.

 

I made it through some really big feelings without drinking, just cracked a few extra sparkling waters than usual and pretended it was beer. So hydrated!

 

Really grateful for this site, and the community here. Don’t know how I’d be doing on this journey without y’all!

[Thorin]

13 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Makes me think I should maybe schedule a hike with a friend who had the same sort of trauma, maybe we can heal a bit in nature together. Talking about it helps, but it's one of those that if someone hasn't experienced it, they don't always know what to say and can say the wrong thing at times.

That sounds lovely. You should definitely do this. I wish I had more people I could talk to about this stuff but I spent my whole life hiding it and I don’t really have many people I can let it out to. I also hate the thought of people looking at me differently when they know the things that happened to me and where I come from. Still got some of that shame I guess…. I do have SOME people I can talk to and as you know my therapist is damned good. But that’s mostly only a week a fortnight.

 

16 minutes ago, littlebird said:

I'd love to walk into the ocean and have some waves crash over me. Feels like that's cleansing of more than just the physical form. It's also flipping freezing in the Pacific at all times, and especially now, so I'll have to schedule that for another time.

I do find that very cleansing and these days I find the cold very refreshing in a good way.

 

16 minutes ago, littlebird said:

did feel like I was so full of bad feelings today that I almost wanted to throw up (but not really), so I did lion's breath from yoga which is like you're exhaling every last thing in your body while making a gruesome face. I visualized the nastiness leaving with each breath, and it kinda helped.

Oh those days are hard. I’ll have a look at lion’s breath. Glad it helped a little.

 

17 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Also did a LOT of "shaking it off" and moving body around. Ooh, so much trauma activated all up in here on this day! Being gentle with myself. Talking to you helped a lot today, thank you!!

Movement definitely helps a lot! I’ve only learned that recently. I’m glad I unintentionally helped. I often feel that people on here are picking me up more than the other way around. If I made you feel a little better then that makes me happy 😊 

[littlebird]

9 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I wish I had more people I could talk to about this stuff but I spent my whole life hiding it and I don’t really have many people I can let it out to.

 

Right?

 

9 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I also hate the thought of people looking at me differently when they know the things that happened to me and where I come from. Still got some of that shame I guess….

 

*shudder* I've also had moments of exactly that happening, people not know what to say or saying something real messed up in an attempt to be helpful. I don't tend to disclose it too often, especially since sometimes when I did people would say, "Me too," then follow it up with some real triggering details I wasn't prepared for that would just freeze me up good.

 

This one friend blurted it out one day, it just burst out of her, and I was able to be the "me too" one (without any details). Made me think that maybe taking chances with people more often might be good. Definitely not something I'll trot out at group hangs, but occasionally, maybe, I'll talk about it more.

 

11 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Movement definitely helps a lot! I’ve only learned that recently.

 

Movement is so helpful! I'm trying to make more time for it. Helps to have the house to myself so I can get real weird and not worry about how I look.

 

12 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I’m glad I unintentionally helped. I often feel that people on here are picking me up more than the other way around. If I made you feel a little better then that makes me happy 😊 

 

You very much did! 🌼 Thank you

[Thorin]

19 minutes ago, littlebird said:

don't tend to disclose it too often, especially since sometimes when I did people would say, "Me too," then follow it up with some real triggering details I wasn't prepared for that would just freeze me up good.

Oh yeah that can be hard! I definitely need to be prepared for that stuff!

 

20 minutes ago, littlebird said:

This one friend blurted it out one day, it just burst out of her, and I was able to be the "me too" one (without any details). Made me think that maybe taking chances with people more often might be good. Definitely not something I'll trot out at group hangs, but occasionally, maybe, I'll talk about it more.

I really want to do this but I’ve found myself backing away from people a little recently. It doesn’t feel like a permanent thing. It’s more that I started sharing and then my whole system freaked out and made me back up. 

 

21 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Movement is so helpful! I'm trying to make more time for it. Helps to have the house to myself so I can get real weird and not worry about how I look.

Weird’s good. All the best people are weird.

 

22 minutes ago, littlebird said:

You very much did! 🌼 Thank you

My pleasure 😊. I hope I can do that more for people 

[littlebird]

8 minutes ago, Thorin said:

It doesn’t feel like a permanent thing. It’s more that I started sharing and then my whole system freaked out and made me back up. 

 

Yeah! I guess maybe it's like a pendulum, swings in one direction then has to swing in the other a bit? Makes sense parts of us would go, "No, not safe!" 

 

Hard to overcome. I'm tired of keeping the world at arm's length.

 

9 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Weird’s good. All the best people are weird.

 

😎🎰👻 It's so true!!! Normalcy is over-rated. Weird 4 Life! 

[Thorin]

Weird for life! My new anthem

[j1290]

47 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Weird for life! My new anthem

haha mine is I am cringe, but I am free.  Stole it from a v-tuber.  I really like it.  But yea I really am the Hero of my Life tho.   

[NoWeaponShallProsper]

Just wanted to chime in to say that "weird" actually means "destiny"... so if you are weird, you are destined for something great.

I am so grateful for your presence here as well littlebird, and I feel deep in my bones that all the strength you are putting now into healing... will take you places! All my love and support ❤️

[littlebird]

8 hours ago, j1290 said:

I really am the Hero of my Life tho

 

1 hour ago, NoWeaponShallProsper said:

Just wanted to chime in to say that "weird" actually means "destiny"... so if you are weird, you are destined for something great.

 

YES, I love this!!!! We are Weird and we are destined for healing.

[littlebird]

Woke up feeling gratitude for my therapist. For years, the trauma I talked about yesterday has been interrupted with, "We can't go there."

 

My Kaiser trauma specialist therapist I saw for years would interrupt me and say, "We only talk every 2 months, so I don't think we should unpack this." Even in inpatient or partial hospitalizations I did years ago, it would be, "You're only with us for a short time, so I don't think we should get into this one."

 

I've been aching to talk about this for a long time, and it was such a relief not to be cut off, to be invited to go on and be met where I'm at with questions and helpful observations. To be able to talk about this major core trauma that I carry with me was really important. I cried with relief after the session. I finally got to talk about what happened to me and not be told, "That's too much."

[Thorin]

4 hours ago, littlebird said:

Woke up feeling gratitude for my therapist. For years, the trauma I talked about yesterday has been interrupted with, "We can't go there."

 

My Kaiser trauma specialist therapist I saw for years would interrupt me and say, "We only talk every 2 months, so I don't think we should unpack this." Even in inpatient or partial hospitalizations I did years ago, it would be, "You're only with us for a short time, so I don't think we should get into this one."

 

I've been aching to talk about this for a long time, and it was such a relief not to be cut off, to be invited to go on and be met where I'm at with questions and helpful observations. To be able to talk about this major core trauma that I carry with me was really important. I cried with relief after the session. I finally got to talk about what happened to me and not be told, "That's too much."

Ok this therapist sounds like one of the good ones! I’ve told mine horrific stuff I’ve never told anyone and she keeps turning up. Session after session, with a place for me. Sounds like yours might be the same. I hope you get to keep seeing them. Keep in mind it can really knock you about for a while when you start unpacking this stuff so if you get a bit wobbly it may be that. Hope you’re taking care of little and big Littlebird (nearly wrote Bigbird 😂) the way they need to be looked after at the moment.

[littlebird]

19 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Keep in mind it can really knock you about for a while when you start unpacking this stuff so if you get a bit wobbly it may be that. Hope you’re taking care of little and big Littlebird (nearly wrote Bigbird 😂) the way they need to be looked after at the moment.

 

So true!! Feeling a bit off kilter today after such a big sesh. Bought myself something I've had my eye on for months as a "keep up the good work" gift, a cute plant holder that came with adorable plants. Gonna hang it up later today and feel proud of myself every time I look at it! Also got some cupcakes, they were on the way home after all...

 

23 minutes ago, Thorin said:

big Littlebird (nearly wrote Bigbird 😂)

 

You know what, I did some personal client work and chatted with a friend, and I'm feeling like a real Big Bird today. The sun also came out, with warm weather to match! My mood is the best it's been in a month, easy. Doing the work and making time to enjoy myself. Now time to log in to work-work!

[Thorin]

5 minutes ago, littlebird said:

You know what, I did some personal client work and chatted with a friend, and I'm feeling like a real Big Bird today. The sun also came out, with warm weather to match! My mood is the best it's been in a month, easy. Doing the work and making time to enjoy myself. Now time to log in to work-work!

What a legend @littlebird! Glad you’re having a good day!

[littlebird]

Ooh, jumped into work and found a mess of work-problems. Anxiety is high. I just want to slam the computer closed, quit my job, and go live off the land in the woods. Unfortunately, I don't trust my plant identification skills enough, so I guess I gotta push through the fears and confidence issues and keep at it.

 

Damn it's hard to work while tapering. I want to go hide, but I already took too much time off for mental health stuff this week, so hiding is not an option. Need to build up confidence and keep at it.

 

Wedding stress has been kicking up into an even higher gear too, weighing on my mind big time. I better work on my coping skills big time to make it through the next few months, this is a tight squeeze already.

 

Funny how a day can go from a peek through a window into a wave in the face that leaves me spluttering! Hoping for more window time today. Gonna go do some deep breathing and push through, but before I go...

 

Impromptu gratitudes to change my mood around and spiral back upwards:

- The sun is out! The rainy days are making me appreciate it much more than usual.

- I saw many birds today

- My dog is incredibly cute

- I got cupcakes on the way home from my favorite cupcake joint, when I'm feeling calm enough to truly enjoy it, I get a tasty treat

- This community is everything, I'm so glad I'm a) not popping a cocktail of interacting pills twice a day and b) not alone in this anymore

[Thorin]

7 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Ooh, jumped into work and found a mess of work-problems. Anxiety is high. I just want to slam the computer closed, quit my job, and go live off the land in the woods. Unfortunately, I don't trust my plant identification skills enough, so I guess I gotta push through the fears and confidence issues and keep at it.

 

Damn it's hard to work while tapering. I want to go hide, but I already took too much time off for mental health stuff this week, so hiding is not an option. Need to build up confidence and keep at it.

Can relate so well to this. So many days I’ve barely scraped through. But somehow you find the strength to do it. I find it helps (a little) to remember that this state is not permanent and that you’re on the right path even though it’s hard.

 

8 minutes ago, littlebird said:

The sun is out! The rainy days are making me appreciate it much more than usu

Yay!

 

8 minutes ago, littlebird said:

saw many birds today

Always a yay!

 

9 minutes ago, littlebird said:

My dog is incredibly cute

Yay!

 

9 minutes ago, littlebird said:

got cupcakes on the way home from my favorite cupcake joint, when I'm feeling calm enough to truly enjoy it, I get a tasty treat

Man I’d love a banana cake (cupcake) with almonds and icing right now! Now I have to go out when I should be working Littlebird.

 

10 minutes ago, littlebird said:

This community is everything, I'm so glad I'm a) not popping a cocktail of interacting pills twice a day and b) not alone in this anymore

You’re definitely heading in the right direction and definitely not doing this alone.

[littlebird]

26 minutes ago, Thorin said:

So many days I’ve barely scraped through. But somehow you find the strength to do it. I find it helps (a little) to remember that this state is not permanent and that you’re on the right path even though it’s hard.

 

One of those "barely scraping through" days! Like being stuck in the mud, each step is a lot of energy. One foot in front of the other, slow and slogging as it might be, just gotta keep slogging.

 

27 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Man I’d love a banana cake (cupcake) with almonds and icing right now! Now I have to go out when I should be working Littlebird.

 

Look, you could be thinking of creative solutions to work problems while going to get a tasty lil treat. Brain could keep working while body goes out. I'm a treat enabler.

 

29 minutes ago, Thorin said:

You’re definitely heading in the right direction and definitely not doing this alone.

 

Thank goodness for that! Okay, gotta keep slogging. We got this. 😤

[j1290]

50 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Ooh, jumped into work and found a mess of work-problems. Anxiety is high. I just want to slam the computer closed, quit my job, and go live off the land in the woods.

I feel that way a few times a day.  Always wondered if anybody else did.   

 

51 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Unfortunately, I don't trust my plant identification skills enough, so I guess I gotta push through the fears and confidence issues and keep at it.

Same.  

 

53 minutes ago, littlebird said:

- This community is everything, I'm so glad I'm a) not popping a cocktail of interacting pills twice a day and b) not alone in this anymore

I feel like we're having a few laughs along the way.  Not a bad deal at all.  

Please give your dog a pet for me!

[littlebird]

4 minutes ago, j1290 said:

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

I just want to slam the computer closed, quit my job, and go live off the land in the woods.

I feel that way a few times a day.  Always wondered if anybody else did.   

 

That's the dream! I mean, humanity really did get to just live off the land but then capitalism had to step in. Phew, I just want to have a self-sustaining farm with chosen family by the ocean plz.

 

5 minutes ago, j1290 said:

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

Unfortunately, I don't trust my plant identification skills enough, so I guess I gotta push through the fears and confidence issues and keep at it.

Same.  

 

Well, I have been looking for a new hobby besides med research. Wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to brush up on this.

 

6 minutes ago, j1290 said:

I feel like we're having a few laughs along the way.  Not a bad deal at all.  

Please give your dog a pet for me!

 

Thank goodness for the laughs along the way! Keeping me going. Pets will be delivered when she wakes up from her nap in the sun. Now that's the life! Lil nap in a lil sunbeam.

 

Gonna keep pushing at work (I don't know how I'm doing this, brain is scrambled eggs) then have a little "lying in the fetal position" as a treat. Gosh I don't know how we all do this, but we're doing it! Trauma and med recovery ain't for the faint of heart.

 

56 minutes ago, Thorin said:

You’re definitely heading in the right direction and definitely not doing this alone.

 

Thank goodness for this site, for reals. So good to talk with people who get it. Okie, got to keep pushing. Not sure how you do this all night @j1290, you're a superhero for that one! 

[littlebird]

Only managed a couple hours of work. Whew, brain is in trauma-zone. I keep having moments where I feel like I "should be" happier than I feel. Wondering if it's the drop in WellyB, or maybe the blunting effects of Seroquel? Could also be Gabapentin. Who the hell knows what Pristiq is doing! 

 

Shaking my fist at every doctor who cocktailed me. There's a lot of rage and grief to unpack about meds and the medical industry!

[littlebird]

Log

I've been super restless at night, waking up having torn off the fitted sheet and mattress pad.

10am - 100mg Gabapentin

12pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

2pm - 100mg Gabapentin

4pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

6pm - 100mg Gabapentin

8pm - 25mg Wellbutrin IR

10:30pm - 25mg Pristiq (Late, bad, I know - schedule getting me)

11:15pm - Pressure/heat/headache on top of head

11:45pm - Broke down and took ib profen, ouch ouch ouch

Gonna have to be late bedtime to avoid interacting with Pristiq, but I have some work to do,

12:30ish - 100mg Seroquel

 

Took the early afternoon off to do some personal client work, then came home and jumped into a mess and a whole bunch of tasks I wish I’d done sooner. I’m struggling with how hard it’s been to do simple things, hoping this internal fog passes soon.

 

Might start logging how many hours I work, it seems like an indicator of how well I’m functioning (and also a self call-out if I’m over-working as a trauma response).

 

Really thinking about tapering Seroquel. It's feeling like a culprit.

 

Took Pristiq late, struggling with schedule, so have to bedtime late. I have some personal client work that's been on my mind... might feel better to cross that off. Gonna put in some time.

 

Gratitude

Was having my morning tea on the porch when I heard the buzz of a hummingbird’s wings. Looked up, and a female hummingbird was hovering incredibly close to my face. She zipped up shortly after to the feeder, and took a rest on the rim while she drank. Looks like she might have a belly of eggs! Glad I found a nectar that has calcium for egg production.

 

Another bird gratitude! Heard a crow cawing as it flew in, then looked up to see our mockingbird imitating a crow as it flew. Landed on a telephone pole and started running through the song list. Lots of songbirds on the playlist today!

 

Really grateful for therapist. Feels like I’ve done more work with him in four sessions than I did with years working with other folks. 

 

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in awhile, and it was really nice to chat and catch up. Glad I saw her!

 

Grateful for simple tasks. Doing something that’s been on my mental “would be nice to do list” for ages now, something simple enough that if we had an intern that’s what I’d have them doing, but we don’t have an intern and my trauma-foggy brain is grateful for simple, simple task. Boop, boop, boop, easy. In between waves, brain is also thinking through creative solutions to work problems too, now that I think about it. I’m doing it, little by little. 

 

You know you’re pushing 40 when a highlight of your weekend is a new skincare regime. Still, feeling more moisturized and it’s making me take a little more time before bed to do an act of self-care. Taking care of myself, better late than never!

 

The internet is pretty great. In addition to making friends all over the world (hi frens), I can learn about pretty much anything I can think of. My curious mind adores the wealth of information at my fingertips!

[j1290]

'bird, any thoughts about kindling?  Do you buy in to the theory?  

 

I'd actually never even heard of it till my failed taper when I came here and was talking about what I was doing.   I think it has merit, but like with everything AD related in my experience, it depends.   

 

I feel like when I was really struggling it helped to stay still for a month and track what symptoms I was having day to day, so when I made another change I could accurately measure if I was going in the right direction.  I really could have avoided a lot early on if I'd just done that, but live and learn.  I underestimated how tricky all this tapering business is.   

2 hours ago, littlebird said:

Another bird gratitude! Heard a crow cawing as it flew in, then looked up to see our mockingbird imitating a crow as it flew. Landed on a telephone pole and started running through the song list. Lots of songbirds on the playlist today!

This is super cool!   Sounds like a lot of fun.   

[littlebird]

6 hours ago, j1290 said:

'bird, any thoughts about kindling?  Do you buy in to the theory?  

 

It was only something I thought of in terms of fire-starting before this site, but it does make sense.

 

6 hours ago, j1290 said:

I feel like when I was really struggling it helped to stay still for a month and track what symptoms I was having day to day, so when I made another change I could accurately measure if I was going in the right direction.  I really could have avoided a lot early on if I'd just done that, but live and learn.  I underestimated how tricky all this tapering business is.   

 

I hear you, gotta hold and be patient! I guess the Go Faster Demon was just saying, "You lost over a month to a med mistake, figure something else out and go!"

 

Patience... what a beast!

[littlebird]

On 3/2/2023 at 9:28 AM, littlebird said:

Woke up feeling gratitude for my therapist. For years, the trauma I talked about yesterday has been interrupted with, "We can't go there."

 

As intense as it's been to open this up, I kinda see why this was the response for years. BUT, how am I ever going to get better if this wound keeps festering?

 

I've asked the world at large (or the mental health professional cutting me off from mentioning the trauma), "When do I ever get to talk about this?"

 

Maybe it'll get easier the more I do it, other painful areas have over time. Just gotta let this wound weep, do some self-care, and have compassion for what is coming up. Oof, better out than in, but ouch!

 

22 hours ago, Thorin said:

Keep in mind it can really knock you about for a while when you start unpacking this stuff so if you get a bit wobbly it may be that.

 

You're so right, my friend. Good lord, developmental trauma is destabilizing to unpack. It was destabilizing to grow up with and have compartmentalized inside me too, so I'm glad I'm working on it. Whew, this **** is wildly overwhelming though! The "trauma hangover" after getting into it and grieving so hard is real.

 

21 hours ago, Thorin said:

Can relate so well to this. So many days I’ve barely scraped through. But somehow you find the strength to do it.

 

Calling on this mystical strength!!! Today all these clients I cold-pitched awhile ago are signing up, one right after the other. We were barely handling the clients we had (I'm a mess, one co-founder also going through it, the other in Ukraine so you can imagine his daily hells, the others on team all with hands full).

 

The automatic welcome systems teaching people how to use our software that should have built out already aren't ready because we're all moving so slowly, so I need to manually handle all these new people. Okay, time for deep breaths and to-do lists. Gonna do my damndest to handle this.

 

It's a good thing. People are interested in coming on board. We need more clients and revenue. Internally screaming, externally clicking into "work mode" as much as possible. I can do this. Someone has to, has to be me. Maybe I need to work next to a nice sound-muffling pillow and treat myself to a nice scream every now and again. Or get a punching bag again, that was A+ for getting out work stress. 

[j1290]

5 hours ago, littlebird said:

Or get a punching bag again, that was A+ for getting out work stress. 

How you feeling now, Littlebird?  How's things? 

[littlebird]

24 minutes ago, j1290 said:

How you feeling now, Littlebird?  How's things? 

 

Hanging in there! Pushed through some work, went on a dog walk and admired the flowers, and now am thinking easy leftovers for dinner (and a new episode of drag race to look forward to). 

 

Seems like on this med/trauma recover journey thing, we gotta just survive some days as best we can. How you doing? Cooking up any weekend fun?

[j1290]

12 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Seems like on this med/trauma recover journey thing, we gotta just survive some days as best we can. How you doing? Cooking up any weekend fun?

No fun-fun this weekend, but ask me in a month and I'll give you a different answer.  Getting closer to the finish line every day.  Your flower walk sounds great!

 

 

[littlebird]

2 minutes ago, j1290 said:

ask me in a month and I'll give you a different answer.

 

Wish we had a feature to "remind me in a month to ask John what's up with the fun-fun." That sounds promising.

 

3 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Getting closer to the finish line every day.

 

We'll miss you when you're done! You'll be off and free from plastic pill bottles and mg measurements before you know it.

[Fifree]

Hey @littlebird.  Sorry to read you're going through a rough patch at the same time as work is ramping up. It is a lot. I hope you're going to treat yourself to some fun-fun this weekend. I don't know what the weather's like there atm, but maybe get outside and away from the computer and work and meds for a bit (apart from what you need to stay on your schedule obvs). 

 

We are starting to get the first feelings of Autumn here. It's still hot in the day but cool at night which is just lovely. 

 

Your mockingbird sounds amazing. What adorable birds they must be. I want to see one one day - gonna get on YouTube rn.

 

Have a lovely weekend! 

[littlebird]

2 hours ago, Fifree said:

I hope you're going to treat yourself to some fun-fun this weekend.

 

Going to a murder mystery party this weekend, never done that before. We'll see! Not sure how much social batter I'll have, but I'm charging it up in preparation.

 

2 hours ago, Fifree said:

Your mockingbird sounds amazing. What adorable birds they must be. I want to see one one day - gonna get on YouTube rn.

 

They're fun, flashy black and white plumage they show off in little dances on top of houses and telephone poles.