littlebird: tried tapering Pristiq - will try tapering Wellbutrin instead

[littlebird]

6 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Just make sure your therapist is great. Not just ‘ok’.

 

I was seriously impressed after our first session! Wish I could see him weekly, but also I have 9 more sessions through employee help so maybe spaced out is good. 

 

8 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I can say though that facing your unspeakable horrors (I am facing mine) is the only way through them. After that comes peace. It’s horrifically hard (but we’re already doing horrifically hard things here aren’t we).

 

The only way out is through! We are doing horrifically hard things, and have already survived a lot. We can do this!

 

I expected childhood stuff to come up, but I’m surprised at how much from my teens and early 20s is coming up as well. Makes sense, that part of me was numbed by meds constantly from then until now, just surprising to come up against an angry teen who was numbed out and asleep for so long. 

 

What a JOURNEY! Wondering if a thread about cPTSD would be useful, it’s such a unique beast.

 

Thank you for your words of encouragement! Doing my best to surf these waves and think of brighter days ahead.

[littlebird]

Shoot, I just realized I have to go out and be a person later today. I forgot I had a thing. A friend’s book is coming out, and they’re reading tonight in a local bookstore. I really want to go support them, despite the social anxiety and covid worriedness (I’m immunocompromised, and my masking doesn’t 100% make up for others not masking indoors).

 

While the 25mg of Wellbutrin was hitting me easier than the 50mg, it still sucked. I’m thinking about doing a 10% taper to see if a lower dose means less white-knuckling. Wondering if the Pristiq would help with anxiety, or make me too out of it to hold conversation. Wish I knew whether to take it before or after the reading!

 

If only I had a few more days of figuring this out under my belt. I don’t want to pick out an outfit and be a human amongst other humans, but I want to support my friend. Also, haven’t seen them since our wedding and once I’m there, I’ll be glad I went. I’d regret staying home, so buckling up for this.

 

This is such a simple, low-key event, and it has me thinking strategically about How to Human. Lord, I’m messed up.

 

Feeling annoyed with the doctor who told me these doses were too low for me to be feeling anything, and it was all in my head. Well, my head is mighty powerful if he’s right! All y’all help me realize he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, people can feel low doses dangit. Or we wouldn’t all be here!

[j1290]

3 hours ago, littlebird said:

As I was re-reading Alto’s thread on tapering Wellbutrin, I was reminded that cutting a SR effectively makes it an IR,

I haven't researched it in forever but I seem to recall that there was an open question of the SR having the active ingredient evenly distributed in the pills or not.     I never got it to work splitting pills but then I was doing all sorts of stuff wrong so I can't really say.  

 

4 hours ago, littlebird said:

Gonna double then triple check my work today! At least I’m seeming less high on the outside with 100mg, I think I’m faking Professional fairly decently on this Monday.

Gave me a laugh!  Story of my life right here.  I got so out of it dealing with these meds I'd have to check my work many times.   WD hasn't really kicked in yet but it's going to be nice to have less exposure on the night shift when it does!

[Thorin]

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

was seriously impressed after our first session! Wish I could see him weekly, but also I have 9 more sessions through employee help so maybe spaced out is good. 

That’s fantastic! I don’t know whether I could handle weekly. Therapy really takes it out of me (I go really deep) and it can take me a while to work through what comes up in therapy.

 

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

The only way out is through! We are doing horrifically hard things, and have already survived a lot. We can do this!

This is true! Sometimes I actually believe it 😉

 

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

expected childhood stuff to come up, but I’m surprised at how much from my teens and early 20s is coming up as well. Makes sense, that part of me was numbed by meds constantly from then until now, just surprising to come up against an angry teen who was numbed out and asleep for so long. 

People report tapering causing all sorts of memories and stuff coming up. I wonder if my ptsd is as bad as it seems or if WD plays a large factor in it.

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

 

What a JOURNEY! Wondering if a thread about cPTSD would be useful, it’s such a unique beast.

It pops up here and there on peoples threads. A dedicated thread would be awesome!

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

ank you for your words of encouragement! Doing my best to surf these waves and think of brighter days ahead.

Honestly things improve, it just takes a lot of time and patience. And it’s not easy to endure so it’s really important to do ALL the things that make you feel a little better. I genuinely thought at one stage I wasn’t going to make it. But I have and while I still have a long way to go I’m in a much better place than I was even a few months ago.

[littlebird]

46 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I wonder if my ptsd is as bad as it seems or if WD plays a large factor in it.

 

I've been thinking about this, and how much of the trauma has been numbed out and frozen in my body/mind/spirit/whatevs. So as I taper meds, I'm dealing with my current-day cPTSD plus years of unlocked things getting shaken loose. It was medicated instead of treated and put on ice, and it's still very much there.

 

Glad we're doing this work! People that ignore their trauma have it come out too, just in much less manageable ways. Stay strong, brother!

 

I'm foggy as heck today. My generic 75 mg IR pill arrived, and I split and took half of it like the bottle said to do. Which was too much, I was going to take 25mg or less, not 37.5. Crumbs!

 

That was... impulsive and not so smart. Let's see how this thing goes tonight. I have to make myself look and act relatively normal, but in the Bay Area anything really goes so I don't have to try too hard on either.

 

Wow, emotions are stronger than usual through the fog. I had the thought that I'd usually see a friend at these readings, but that friend died suddenly late last year. I hadn't felt grief about that in a little bit, and it just hit me like a gut punch. Messing with meds is no joke, my emotions are so strong. 

 

Why do I have to People tonight?? I feel rough.

[Fifree]

Hi @littlebird  you’ve got this. Social anxiety is a b!tch but try not to become anxious about the anxiety, if you get me.  I also had to go out and “human” last night as I’d promised my cousin I’d come along to his choir rehearsal. I was worried about it but just put on my big girl pants and went along. I had a nice time. I felt myself getting irritable at one point, but was able to catch myself in the moment and said “that’s just WD - let it go”. And I did. 
 

Granted, I am not dealing with the complexity of meds that you are so I’m not trying to minimise the challenge. But if you can try and stay in the moment - really listen to the reading rather than thinking about the socialising afterwards. When the socialising comes, you’ll have all sorts of info from the reading to discuss because you spent that time listening instead of worrying. 
 

I hope this is helpful. Have a great night and give yourself extra points for thinking of others at a challenging time for yourself. 
 

xx

[Altostrata]

Is your Wellbutrin schedule settled now?

 

Since you're finding that your gabapentin dosing is too high (and probably 100% unnecessary), you might reduce your daily 300mg by 30mg, taking 15mg off the first and second doses, if they're interfering with your work. That would make 2 doses per day of 85mg and one of 100mg in the evening.

[littlebird]

4 minutes ago, Fifree said:

Social anxiety is a b!tch but try not to become anxious about the anxiety, if you get me.

 

Thank you! I was spinning out and avoiding getting ready and this Wellbutrin is hitting me like amphetamines. I'm running out of time to catch my train, so I need to just throw a hat on this messy hair instead of showering and find an outfit that works. I can do this. I so don't want to do this, but I'll be glad once I'm seeing people I know. Probably. Or I'll bounce for a cigarette break, social anxiety's BFF. Ahhhhh! Thank you for the kind words. Time to find an outfit, doesn't matter what, focusing on warm instead of stylish as it's freezing.

[littlebird]

Just now, Altostrata said:

Is your Wellbutrin schedule settled now?

 

Since you're finding that your gabapentin dosing is too high (and probably 100% unnecessary), you might reduce your daily 300mg by 30mg, taking 15mg off the first and second doses, if they're interfering with your work. That would make 2 doses per day of 85mg and one of 100mg in the evening.

Wellbutrin is easier broken up, and keeping to the schedule is getting easier each day as I get in the habit of logging when I take them. 

 

Thank you for helping me with the math of Gabapentin! I'll try that, hoping for less fog tomorrow. Back to the Gemini scale!

[Altostrata]

You're going to have to balance grogginess from too much gabapentin with over activation from Wellbutrin, decide which is worse to define your next step.

 

Would it be to reduce gabapentin or Wellbutrin? If you reduce Wellbutrin, the effect of gabapentin probably would be stronger.

 

 

[Thorin]

4 hours ago, littlebird said:

I've been thinking about this, and how much of the trauma has been numbed out and frozen in my body/mind/spirit/whatevs. So as I taper meds, I'm dealing with my current-day cPTSD plus years of unlocked things getting shaken loose. It was medicated instead of treated and put on ice, and it's still very much there

Exactly the same for me

 

[littlebird]

4 hours ago, Altostrata said:

You're going to have to balance grogginess from too much gabapentin with over activation from Wellbutrin, decide which is worse to define your next step.

 

Ooh, activation from Wellbutrin is totally worse. The 100mg spread out was helpful with the "gaba groggies." I'm hoping I'll get more used to it with time, too. 

[j1290]

3 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Ooh, activation from Wellbutrin is totally worse

I appreciate hearing your perspective, littlebird!  I'm still on double your dose and feel relatively med free compared to where I started 🤣. So there's more relief to come!  

[littlebird]

Monday, January 30th
10am - woke up, ate a little, took 100mg Gabapentin
10:30am - so far manageable-ish
11:15am - I’m stoned AF. Better than 150mg, but still High as a 🪁
11:45am - Eating, hoping it helps bring me down
12pm - Took 25mg Wellbutrin IR
12:30pm - Feeling amped up, but less so than 50mg IR
12:45pm - Activated/anxious/tense, upset stomach
1pm - 25mg IR better: focusing, things are flowing at work
1:15pm - Anxious! More appetite than usual, snacking
1:30pm - Weirdly aggressive-feeling
2pm - 100mg Gabapentin
2:45pm - Weirdly sweaty, dizzy, “stoned,” nauseous
3pm - Feeling dizzy and kind of sick, knocking out work though
3:15pm - Creative work coming easy, but not words
4pm - Generic IR arrived! Took 37.5mg of it to see what Dr was recommending, then remembered I was going to do 25mg. Shoot. Not smart
6pm - On the train, forgot pills. 😱 The next few hours are going to be off schedule. Anxiety high!
6:45pm - dinner, feeling better 
8:30pm - feeling fine, event was masked (helped with anxiety)
10pm - Home, too late to take Gabapentin or Pristiq. Whiffed that one

 

Notes
10:45 - Gabapentin high is here, but less intense than the past few days. It’s like I ate half an edible instead of a whole one. Still high, but less noticeably so. 

11:15 - Okay, the Gabapentin high keeps increasing. Maybe eating will help? I’m too high for a Monday. Gabapentin without Wellbutrin is a weird experience that keeps on weirding. 

11:30 - Got some nibblings happening with outreach marketing, which used to make me happy and excited, and currently just has me worriedly quadruple checking what I’m doing and saying since I feel so groggy and out of it. This is not ideal for working, but I keep telling myself at least it’s better than 150mg of out of it. Still, this sucks.

 

12pm - I know Gabapentin helps with anxiety, but I’m so anxious about how I’m too high to be working and should have taken a day off that it’s breaking through the numbing dumbed-down Gabapentin high. 

This was easier to handle when I could just stare at a laundry room wall on the weekend! I don’t like working on Gabapentin. Switching back to graphic design. I can’t People right now.

 

12:30 - I’ve hit a sweet spot with the graphic design, I’m doing better work than yesterday. Brain is more clear, and I’m less anxious about not knowing what I’m doing, which is letting things flow and everything is looking better.

 

1:30pm - I’ve noticed that as the Wellbutrin kicks in, my music preference switches from low-key to aggressive, fast-paced music. I feel like I’m going out of my skin, and perhaps it matches my mood as the Wellbutrin takes me on a rollercoaster?

I also start tapping a foot while I work, excess energy. Turning it into mild desk-dancing as I keep working. Having an easier go of it today with creative work, not so much with anything involving words. Pushing through.

 

2pm - Having trouble focusing, white-knuckling Wellbutrin tenseness even at a lower dose. After writing my music observation above, I started thinking about how when I started taking these pills as a teen, I listened to pretty aggressive music. 

 

Started nostalgically listening to what I was listening to as a teen, and realized that perhaps a part of me that has been numbed consistently by meds since high school is waking up. Wellness circles talk of inner children, but our inner teens need just as much care it seems!

 

Just made myself laugh out loud, I started playing something I heard at my first concert (Ozzfest) and head banging with my fingers on the keyboard. Inner teen waking up for sure! What’s up, rascal, we can jam while we get this homework done. Just don’t headbang so hard I hurt my neck, inner teen, we’re pushing 40.

 

When I went away to college, it was hard to find the cocktail I was on, so I let each prescription run out without tapering and tried to see if I could go without. Not so much, which made me think the doctors were right that I needed to be medicated to live. If only I’d known about tapering back then! Or had a therapist, or had gone to a more liberal school where I still didn’t have to remain closeted. Ah, so many things I could have done differently!

 

2:45 - Hid in graphic design for awhile, and got a lot done. I was way more impressed with my work today than yesterday’s bombed on 150mg Gabapentin and 50mg IR Wellbutrin. This feels like an easier way to be.

Gabapentin kicking in is helping me do the client communication I was hiding from, but it’s hard to string together words. Am I on too much Gabapentin?

 

3:15pm - Gabapentin is lending itself to creative work, but it was like pulling teeth to communicate. Life is hard with med changes. I want to take a nap, but have to leave work early-ish for book reading, so gotta push through.

 

6pm - Daaaang, forgot pills and I'm already on the train. WELP

 

10pm - Home, and very glad I went. Good to see people I haven't seen in awhile and get out and about, not to mention hear about a book that’s totally up my alley. My conversation skills were not great, it was not my most charming night, but whatevs. I can have a sleepy-brain Monday; can’t sparkle all the time.

 

Happy news!!! The packed book reading was fully masked AND they checked vaccination cards. Can’t remember the last place that asked to see that. As an immunocompromised person who has reason to believe covid would **** me up royally, I was so happy to be in a safer feeling environment than usual. REALLY helped my anxiety to look around and see everyone masked, including the people on stage. 

 

Totally flipped out earlier when I realized (after it was too late to go back) that I had forgotten pills at home. I’d been doing so well with the schedule, and really messed it up with that mistake.

 

It’s now too late to take Gabapentin or Pristiq as both interact with Seroquel and that’s my bedtime med. Feeling super tired after being out and about, and might be going to bed (aka taking Seroquel) earlier than usual so don’t want to risk it. I'll try again tomorrow, and not beat myself up. Everyone makes mistakes, and it's a lesson to be more mindful in the future when leaving the house.
 

[littlebird]

10 minutes ago, j1290 said:

I appreciate hearing your perspective, littlebird!  I'm still on double your dose and feel relatively med free compared to where I started 🤣. So there's more relief to come!  

 

Good news to hear about relief coming! As weird as the gaba-groggy is, when the Wellbutrin ramps up after it, it's like I'm strapped into a rollercoaster doing flips. White knuckling, thinking, "I can't keep living like this." 

 

Ready to get this sucker GONE, and hoping I can function well without it. Gotta go slow to make sure I can get there safely, but I so wish I could just stop taking it. The rollercoaster is only going to get weirder with IR instead of SR, but it has been nice when I'm white knuckling to remember, "This is going to pass much faster than it used to." Relief already!

[littlebird]

Had a bad night’s sleep, then slept late and started med schedule 30 minutes late! Dangit. The grogginess from poor sleep plus Gabapentin has me feeling like I’m snowed in mentally. 

 

I keep thinking about how relaxed I felt in that reading last night, looking around and seeing everyone masked up. It was sold out and packed. Usually I get nervous in a packed room, but looking around and seeing everyone (even authors) masked, it was relaxing. If only everywhere felt that safe!

 

It’s lonely to be immunocompromised in a society that’s collectively putting their heads in the sand to avoid looking at death rates and how many people are becoming disabled. How can I find more events like that one? I’m craving that feeling of increased safety from it being a masked event. That bookstore was a long slog away from my home, but I’d go there again after that!

[littlebird]

Maybe it's the poor sleep, maybe it's an annoying/entitled client, but I'm in an aggravated mood. I'm going to have to look into those coping skill lists y'all have collected over the years! I wish there was a specific support group for people trying to work while going through medhell. It's not even noon, and I want to throw in the towel for the day. 

 

Not sure if they'll load, but I'm feeling like this children's book classic today:

 

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[Altostrata]

16 hours ago, littlebird said:

6pm - On the train, forgot pills. 😱 The next few hours are going to be off schedule. Anxiety high!

 

This is not good.

 

What is your current intended drug schedule and how long have you sort of been following it?

[littlebird]

17 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

This is not good.

 

What is your current intended drug schedule and how long have you sort of been following it?

 

I know, super bad mistake. Had a little panic on the train when I realized. Tbh, you popped into my mind! I thought, “Alto is not going to like this at all.”

 

I found another pill case, and I’m going to keep it in my bag as an emergency stash. I usually have one for that purpose, but I took it out to measure out new doses so maybe I need to have more than oneI need to be 100% about putting it back, and also adding it to my checklist before I walk out the door, “Phone, keys, wallet, pills.”

 

The schedule changed when you informed me about Wellbutrin and Gabapentin interacting, so since this past Friday:

10am - Gabapentin 100mg

12pm - Wellbutrin 25 (today 22.5)mg

2pm - Gabapentin 100mg

4pm - Wellbutrin 25 (today will be 22.5 again) <- new as of this weekend, when 50mg IR was too much

6pm - Gabapentin 100mg

8pm - Pristiq 25mg <- this timing changed from afternoon this weekend when I discovered Wellbutrin SR had been masking Pristiq grogginess

Bedtime - Seroquel 100mg

 

Spacing out Wellbutrin and Gabapentin has been enlightening, especially as I switch to IR Wellbutrin and can really see what the side effects of the other pills are without the SR mixing in. My anxiety has been SO much better since switching to IR, it hits hard when the pill is kicking in, but it’s nice knowing it’s about to fade and be replaced with the gaba-groggies at the next pill time.

 

Alto, have you ever thought about an optional subscription system? There might be a way with your existing PayPal system to have monthly recurring donations.

 

Just a thought, trying to figure out ways to get y’all more resources for all the work you do here. I’d also subscribe to a newsletter on this topic, and with those you can have tiers of subscription membership. I know some people who have really increased their monthly income just by offering high-level options for subscribers who have the cash.

 

If you ever go newsletter route, I would happily help you get going with that, just let me know. Also happy to keep doing PayPal “co-pays” for the amazing help I’ve gotten here, just brainstorming!

 

While I’m brainstorming, putting the donate button in your signature would probably grab some extra donations. Excellent advice, with a side of “here’s how you can help this advice keep reaching you.” I love y’all, and while I’m cash-poor, I’m rich in ideas.

 

Thank you for all your help! Changing the timing I take this cocktail in has changed my entire life, and thanks to this website alone, I finally have hope that I can one day get off these meds.

[Altostrata]

Please take quetiapine at the same time each evening regardless of bedtime.

 

Pristiq makes you sleepy?

 

I believe you can indicate whether you want to make a recurring gift via PayPal. Thanks for considering this. 

[littlebird]

1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

Pristiq makes you sleepy?

 

I’m still getting used to the new schedule, so it could be something else (like getting used to IR instead of SR Wellbutrin), but I noticed this weekend that Pristiq had me sleepy. I passed out on the couch, which is weird, I never nap as a rule. I was also speaking slowly, felt like I was slurring a bit. Like I’d been drinking, but I hadn’t been of course.

 

1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

Please take quetiapine at the same time each evening regardless of bedtime.

 

I’ve been doing better on this, and aiming to rein in bedtime. I’ve been getting much closer to the same time every night. I know better sleep hygiene (like a steady bedtime) would help a lot, it’s something I’m working on.

 

You mentioned on someone else’s thread about a missed dose throwing off their next day. I’m wondering how much of what I’m feeling is because I forgot my pills when I left the house last night. I can’t do that again.

 

As bad as I feel, I know it’s in the betterment of my life. I’m figuring this stuff out, and finding what works. It’s hard to be patient when I have tough days like this, but I’ll never go back to taking these in a handful every day like was doctor ordered. Especially now that they’re spaced out and I can see how much they’re affecting me individually! Can’t believe I was functioning with those interactions.

 

White knuckling on this Tuesday! I am having a truly Terrible Day. Coping skills time.

[littlebird]

Rough morning, y’all! Gosh, it’s hard to feel good about the work I’m doing when I’m second-guessing everything in Gaba-groggy fog. Double checking everything. I feel really off today. Not sure if it’s meds or poor night’s sleep. Could also be waking up and looking at clock and realizing I was late for Gabapentin and my whole schedule would be off. Can I get a reset on today? Tough day.

 

Afternoon

Partner and I got some bad news. We’re kicking ourselves over a mistake we both made. I would have really torn myself up at some point, but with a lot of work on self-talk, today I’m able to forgive myself. Beating myself up won’t enable me to time travel and fix this, it’ll just make me feel bad. I don’t deserve punishment, and it won’t help, so gonna just shrug and accept I made a mistake. Hoping partner is also able to not beat themselves up! Too busy of a day to talk about it yet.

 

For whatever reason, when Wellbutrin kicks in, Angry Teen wakes up. Gabapentin makes me groggy, but more able to access my adult mind. When I’m amped up on Wellbutrin, I’m quick to anger and it’s a little harder to handle things maturely. Giving teen self some music to jam out to while I keep going on work.

 

Teen is fighting work, and wants to have feelings. Okay, pomodoro method: we get a break to think about this stuff and jam out to music, then we get back to it. Y’all ever get mad at how society is sick, and instead of taking care of those of us sensitive enough to have feelings about it, we get medicated?

 

Angry Teen is enjoying being able to let this stuff out. Angry nostalgic music, head banging, feeling the feelings. Realized I was drumming my fist pretty hard on the table to the beat, wishing I had a punching bag to slam it into. Okay, angry teen self, let it out! 

 

3:45pm - I’m realizing that with this new med schedule, I’d best tailor my work to the med I’m on:

 

Wellbutrin: Inbox, communication, writing

Gabapentin: Creative work, graphic design

 

I don’t know where the learning part of my job will fit. I feel too amped up on Wellbutrin, and too groggy on Gabapentin.

 

Evening

6pm - Walking dog was a good call. It was good to get out, and I ran into a friend who works in mental health and reminded me that I need to take care of myself emotionally around the mugging. 

 

Funny timing, I’d been thinking about the after-effects of being mugged. I was doing laundry and found the blood-stained kitchen towel from that night. It’s now a rag, but no matter how many times I wash and bleach it, my bloodstains won’t go away. Feels like a decent analogy for the mugging: the effects are lasting longer than I’d like. 

 

7pm - Had a chat with a neighbor-friend, who also brought up the mugging. Funny, two tough guys both reminding me in one day not to be so tough. Their advice sums up to the same thing: If I’m going to get over this, I have to be honest about the fact that I’m not over it yet. Playing tough won’t make the trauma go away faster. Wish it would!

 

8pm - Headache is mauling me. I need to wash dishes and do some dinner, but I am in so much pain I just want to hide from the world. Sometimes days are rough, and we just gotta keep going into the next one! Today was pretty trash at times, but tomorrow could be the best day I've had in years.

[littlebird]

Tried to soak headache away in a bath, not easy in our Napoleonic tub, but the mild contortions were worth it. Who was this tiny tub made for? I'm tall, but not even the tallest, and it's a tight fit.

 

Anywho, glad to have it! Didn't have a tub for years, and greatly missed baths. Maybe one day, I can have a bathtub that fits my whole self. 🤩 While I'm wishing, I'd also love a dishwasher and a garden.

 

Can you tell I'm Gabapentin-stoned? I took it shortly before I got in the tub, and soaked in the dark to try and get headache down, and when it hit I felt pretty high. Not a bad place for it, to be honest, gaba-groggy in the tub. Almost fell asleep, which would have been bad, so maybe not the best place for grogginess. 

 

Okay, log incoming!

[littlebird]

9 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Please take quetiapine at the same time each evening regardless of bedtime.

 

With 100mg quetiapine, whenever I take it, it becomes bedtime. I am gone after that dose, totally out. Which, in theory means that's how I have a steady bedtime... but that's gonna involve some work-life balance in my house with my partner and I, and that's a goal I'm definitely working on. I will take it before 1am.

 

Tuesday, January 30th

VERY tough day, please go easy on me for schedule issues:

 

10:20am - slept poorly, then slept late 

10:30am - 100mg Gabapentin 

11am - groggy

11:30am - Aggravated mood (could be work or med related, or both)

12pm - Feeling very off, trying to get work done slowly but surely

12:30pm - Work delay, can’t measure pill, schedule even more off today 

12:45pm - Wellbutrin, 1st day of 10% taper so 22.5mg instead of 25mg

1:15pm - Hands starting to shake a little, pill or work stress, who knows

1:30pm - Amped up, appetite gone, stomach upset

1:45pm - Realized I’ve felt very cold since Wellbutrin kicked in

2:45pm - Got a call, med schedule thrown off again today. Not cool on this day.

3pm - Gabapentin 100mg

3:10pm - dizzy, headache, lying down for a short rest (unusual, I rarely nap)

3:45pm - Headache a little better, back to work, feeling slow

4:15pm - Dizzy and nauseous

4:45pm - Able to space out on graphic design, getting lots done! Window of productivity!

4:55pm - Weird dizzy spell hit

5pm - Wellbutrin IR 22.5, hanging on by a thread

5:15pm - Took dog for long walk, it helped a lot

6pm - Back at work, focused and getting things done

6:45pm - bad headache 

7pm - Pristiq 25mg

8pm - headache getting worse, feeling heavy, tired

8:15pm - Just got a weird rush of nervous energy out of nowhere

8:30pm - Felt overheated all of a sudden

9pm - Gabapentin 100mg, headache fading!!

10:15pm - tired and a little out of it

12:15am - Looked at the clock when I finished work, I had no idea it was getting so late. So much for midnight Seroquel. Will take it before 1am.

 

Feeling all wound up! In a rough patch of life in a many ways, so I'm going to balance out this log of a really tough day with some gratitude. It's gonna take a serious mind shift, I'm stressed out and headachey and on the verge of tears.

 

Let's go, Attitude of Gratitude:

- My sweet dog is sleeping next to me, it's comforting to have a little pet cuddle

- As tough as this med stuff is, I'm figuring it out

- I'm going easier on myself than in previous times, less tough love, more actual love

- Started thinking about how with all this info throughout the years on this website, someone could feed it to a bot, and automate some of the work of the mods. Tech is cool.

- Speaking of which, grateful for the internet!!! We never would have found each other, or all this info, before. Now I can instantly send love, even to international friends. We can all bond about this shared struggle, and make each other smile around the world. Love this for us!

- My partner, despite going through immense stress of their own, is a loving and kind person who makes life better. When we got married, I realized that I needed to start making that "till death do us part" thing as far off in the future as possible, and take good care of myself, which includes being on less pills. Love is weird and we never know when it'll sneak up on us and make life totally different and better!

- I had a dope meditation under the bay on the train last night

- I made brownies, tried a new recipe that doesn't use eggs because eggs are fancy now. These brownies are my way of kicking back at Anorexia, who has been a pain lately. Gonna make my goals hard, Anorexia? I'm making yours hard, there are warm brownies cooling on the stove and I used the best chocolate chips.*  BAM! I'm going into tomorrow armed with brownies, Anorexia is on the back foot from the jump.

 

*For curious chocolate-lovers and bakers, in my opinion, the Best Chocolate Chips are 100% Guittard. 

 

Edited to say: jeezy creeeezy my log is long since spacing this all out and doubling how often I take Wellbutrin!! Phew, if anyone read through all this, thank you and have a sweet day.

[littlebird]

Woke up in time to take Gabapentin at 10am!! Such a small thing, yet it started my day off on a MUCH better note than waking up late yesterday. Schedule back on track. 😎

[littlebird]

Life put two tough guy friends (who have also experienced some **** in their lives) in my path yesterday, who both talked to me separately about how it’s healthy to admit I was affected by being mugged. How what’s actually tough is to admit you don’t feel so tough. 

 

I was pretty open anonymously on here about my mugging struggles, but to the people in my life, I was quick to shrug it off and get back to normal. Today, after some processing yesterday, I have a little more distance and can see that the attack put me into a pretty severe PTSD episode. 

 

Not my first PTSD episode, chances are not my last. Now that I’m pulling out of it I can see it was a classic episode:

- hyper-vigilance verging on paranoia (over-preparing by thinking about what I’d do in worst case scenarios, never having back to an entrance, assessing threats, making exit plans)

- attempting to regain control by restricting food intake (thanks, Anorexia, you always pop up in the toughest times and put your teeth on my throat)

- intrusive thoughts/ difficulty concentrating

- hyper-independence/isolating/detachment

- belief that world is dangerous/ loss of trust in self and others

- rage, including sleep to rage, emotional regulation issues

- sleep disturbance, nightmares

- avoiding/procrastinating sleep to avoid nightmares

 

Classic. Just forgot the name of what I was going through. cPTSD Episode, my old friend! Haven't had a big one of these since last year, that one was a doozy too. Maybe next time I'm in one, I'll recognize what's happening while it's happening and not afterwards.

 

Maybe we should get a whole Trauma section going, with subsections like PTSD (isolated event), cPTSD, developmental trauma, EMDR, etc. When I've done trauma-work with folks in the past, I've personally found a lot of benefit in people avoiding details and using broad language. We're all so full of triggers, it's a delicate topic, so I'm wary of getting something like this going! It's a lot easier to hold trauma-safe space in person, or even in a zoom call, a written forum is a different animal for me.

[littlebird]

I'm so anxious I feel ✨crazy✨ (sparkles to make tough word we all have feelings about more fun). Feels like I can't trust my thoughts; they're too anxious... little cracked out thoughts rocking in the corners of my mind, telling me the worst possible ways things could go. If you were to pass my personified thoughts on the street, you'd think, "Oh no, my guys, you need help."

 

I'm trying to make this more fun, but Wellbutrin really puts me in an amped up, anxious state of mind that seems way more intense since switching to IR.

[littlebird]

Smoked some indica, and was able to smooth down the Wellbutrin crazies. I was breathing and listening to music, trying to calm down. Thinking about how rattled the Wellbutrin IR makes me, the lyric of a song caught my attention, "When that blood goes rattling through my veins," which sums up how the IR hits.

 

It's from Got Nuffin by Spoon, and includes the also-appropriate lyrics, "I've got nothing to lose but darkness and shadows, got nothing to lose but emptiness and hang-ups." Seems like a good song for this med journey! 

 

That indica got me into a real good window of tolerance, and I was finally able to smash something into someone else's court I'd been scared to touch all morning. Little by little, I'm doing this. Sometimes, it's moment to moment coping, but it's better than life was before starting on Team Taper.

[Altostrata]

Strongly recommend you throw out the bloodstained towel.

[littlebird]

1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

Strongly recommend you throw out the bloodstained towel.

 

You're so right. I'm big on not wasting things, so anything stained gets turned into rags. I didn't imagine that encountering it again as I did laundry would affect me so much! Maybe in this case a little waste is healthy. Plus it's cotton, and could be composted, so not a total waste if it returns to the earth. Thanks, Altostrata! Good call.

 

Also, I have an answer to your earlier question about Pristiq. I think the sleepiness was related to something else (like getting used to IR Wellbutrin), as it's now feeling more activating.

 

9:45am - Woke up in time! Ate a snack

10am - 100mg Gabapentin (back on sched!!)

10:30am - Gaba-groggies, but not so bad! Getting used to it w/out Wellbutrin in the mix maybe

12pm - Wellbutrin IR

12:45pm - Hands shaking, nervous 

1pm - Feeling shaky and cold (why does coldness happen with Wellbutrin? Circulation?)

1:30pm - lunch, anxious as heck; frozen and unable to act on things

2pm - Gabapentin time, thank god! I’m so anxious

2:45pm - Gaba-grogs taking the edge off the Wellbutrin white knuckling a bit less than before

3pm - Doing better, getting things done

4pm - Too productive, worked through pill time accidentally. Dang, I was doing so well today.

4:25pm - 22.5mg Wellbutrin IR

4:30pm - tiny rare crumb of Klonopin as anxiety is killing me; can’t remember the last time I took any, at the dentist last year?

5pm - walked dog, felt chill, won't mess with Klonopin anytime soon though. Too much. Fine for occasional panic, but not for med symptoms

6:45pm - Pristiq 25mg, late, got distracted at grocery store taking longer than expected and forgot!

7:15pm - Feeling chill all of a sudden, despite some worries. 

7:45pm - Rush of energy; got lots of work done

8:30pm - Feeling tense, looking forward to Gabapentin soon

8:45pm - 100mg Gabapentin, hope it helps, I’m TENSE

10:30pm - dog acting funny, worried about her, adding to anxiety

Bedtime goal: take Seroquel before midnight tonight, last night was too late

 

Morning

10am - Woke up on time! Much better way to start the day. Yesterday was so tough, but when I opened my inbox this morning I discovered that despite feeling awful last night, I smashed something out of the park! 

 

10:30am - Maybe I’m getting used to the effects of Gabapentin without Wellbutrin in the mix, or maybe it was the excitement of the win, but I feel much less groggy today than I have since taking Gabapentin by itself.

 

Afternoon

1pm - Feeling shaky and freezing cold! When Wellbutrin hits, my temperature plummets and I have to put on more layers. Anyone else ever experienced this?

 

Similarly feeling frozen in anxiety. The work win from this morning is now a daunting task to tackle. When Wellbutrin kicked in, everything became scarier.

 

2:45pm - Super glad I have therapy on Friday! I’m not handling life at the level I’d like to be. Gabapentin not taking the edge off Wellbutrin like it was before. 

 

I’m a mess, y’all! So anxious that I’m going to try smoking some indica

 

3pm - Doing better! The win that felt so good this morning turned daunting to deal with when Wellbutrin hit, and I froze. I finally calmed down enough to get moving on that and complete a task that had me completely freaked out. Looking forward to being on less Wellbutrin.

 

4pm - Feeling much better, knocked out a ton of tasks that were making me feel frozen in fear when the Wellbutrin IR was hitting. Heck yeah!! 

 

4:25pm - Wellbutrin IR 22.5, I was so productive that I forgot to take Wellbutrin on time. I was doing so well on schedule today, too!

 

4:30pm - I kept racing myself for incoming Wellbutrin anxiety, already so anxious that I took a rare tiny crumb of Klonopin to see if that helps at all

 

Evening

Walked dog, which helped a lot. Good to get out and see flowers blooming. I’m stress-eating a lot, which might also be amplified by the loss of Wellbutrin SR’s appetite suppressant happening all day. Anorexia is fighting back, but I’m winning so far.

 

I avoided making dinner because of anorexia, and hid in work. Pristiq seemed to give me some focus, and I got a lot done. This was the first day since the mugging I’ve been able to go over 8 hours of work! I was happy about that at first, but then another part of me stepped in to ask, “Is that a good thing?”

 

Got triggered by something tonight, I don't think it was bad enough to bring on PTSD symptoms, but we'll see. I’m full of worries tonight, my dog is acting a bit off and it’s hard not to worry about her. Maybe she just ate something that disagreed with her.

 

Need to refocus. Maybe a little gratitude time?

 

Gratitudes:

- As always, grateful for this site and the community here

- Thankful to have a safe home, enough food, and creature comforts like tea

- Grateful for a my healthy body, keeping me safe and working in all sorts of miraculous ways

- I married the right person, a kind soul who makes life better, even when I'm being a real pain from too many med-issues

- I have an electric mattress pad, currently pre-heating the bed, that is going to be so sweet on this cold night when it’s time to go to bed

- While I’m on the fence if this is a good thing, today was the first time since getting mugged that I was able to push my work hours past 8 hours. I used to do more no problem, but did 9 today and I’m having to put off some personal client work for another day as I am tuckered out. Which leads me to:

- I’m able to be in tune with my body more than ever before. I still have a ways to go, but I’m able to listen more and give my body what it needs

- Grateful I’m not as hard on myself as I used to be, life is easier with self-compassion

- Still grateful that the book reading was 100% masked and vaccinated, I felt so relaxed in that space! It was a haul from my house out to the bookshop, but I'd go again just for the safety. Went there once before pre-covid when I did a recurring bookstore crawl around bay area bookstores, hoping that starts again someday. Grateful it happened at all, good memories of the crawls around used bookstores with fellow book nerds! 10/10, highly recommend

[Carmie]

So lovely to read your latest gratitude list again @littlebird

 

Keep it up. You mentioned starting a gratitude thread a couple of times, though I prefer to keep my gratitude lists on my own thread, like you’re doing now. I’ve got enough things I’m dealing with, severe health problems etc to worry about starting another thread. 

I’m glad to hear you’re practicing self compassion, sending hugs your way🤗

 

[Fifree]

On 2/1/2023 at 6:45 PM, littlebird said:

Phew, if anyone read through all this, thank you and have a sweet day.

Thanks @littlebird  I love your thread. You’re always so real with your ups and downs but mostly I see positivity coming through. 
 

 

[FireflyFyte]

6 hours ago, littlebird said:

- As always, grateful for this site and the community here

 

I am grateful for this site as well and for people like you, littlebird. Thank you for regularly stopping by my thread and leaving encouragements - they are greatly appreciated 💜

[littlebird]

9 hours ago, Carmie said:

I’ve got enough things I’m dealing with, severe health problems etc to worry about starting another thread. 

 

Right there with you, plus I feel like I'm still getting to know the community here. Gratitude is helping shift my mood, thank you for the idea! 

[Carmie]

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

 

Right there with you, plus I feel like I'm still getting to know the community here. Gratitude is helping shift my mood, thank you for the idea! 

I’m so very glad to hear that gratitude is helping you littlebird, 

 

I’ve been so very low because of continuing health problems and I find that thinking of things that I’m grateful for is really beneficial.
 

Sorry to read about your struggle with anorexia, that must be a hard situation to deal with. I have a friend that has anorexia as well. 
 

That must have been absolutely horrific too getting mugged. I’m so very sorry to hear that you’ve had this traumatic experience.

 

Hope you have a nice day, sending hugs your way🤗

[littlebird]

Thanks, @Carmie! I really appreciate your kindness. I'm definitely in one of those "when it rains, it pours" moments in life (but I live in a drought state so that saying has taken on a new, positive tone now that I think about it).

 

Sometimes it takes a lot of rain to make things grow! I had some seeds of thoughts that I needed to take care of myself more, seek out a replacement therapist, build community with others, etc. Took a real rainstorm in my life to make me take action!

 

You know what's funny? I'd been saying for awhile that I felt like I needed to cry, I think I even wrote on here about not being able to let it out shed some tears.

 

Getting sucker-punched did wonders for that problem! Really broke through whatever was holding me back from expressing emotion, and I was finally able to cry.

 

As I finally let it out, I had an unexpected moment of gratitude to the mugger for the cry I'd been needing. It had felt like a storm brewing for weeks, if not months, and it finally got to let loose. Hopefully I can learn to have a good cry without an instigating event like that one!