littlebird: tried tapering Pristiq - will try tapering Wellbutrin instead

[littlebird]

On 2/4/2023 at 6:41 PM, Altostrata said:

If you don't mind, please let me know when you've been on a consistent schedule for 2 weeks. I'll stop by then.

 

Will do! Set a reminder for two weeks from now to reach out, will reset that if any more changes happen (hopefully not). Thank you for all your help getting me to this point!

[littlebird]

10am - 100mg Gabapentin

11:30am - Foggy brain

12pm - 22.5mg Wellbutrin

12:15pm - Maybe it’s the small fragments, but Wellbutrin seems to hit faster than it did as SR

12:45pm - Amped up and anxious, so tense!

1:15pm - Tense, working is like pulling teeth today but I’m keeping at it

1:30pm - Pushing through anxiety, counting down minutes to Gabapentin

2pm - 100mg Gabapentin

4pm - 25mg Pristiq

5pm - Dizzy spell, drank some water and it passed

6pm - 22.5mg Wellbutrin

8pm - Gabapentin

Bedtime + Seroquel 100mg: aiming for midnight, been doing all right with this

 

Notes

10am - Slept later than I meant to, but it does feel like my body needed it and made an executive decision. Decent sleep, no nightmares I can remember. Win!

 

12pm - It’s going to be a short work day; I have some life stuff to do. Might have some good news by the end of the day!

 

Feeling some financial pressure that is making me wish I could work more, but life gets in the way sometimes. Worked late last night, so maybe it’ll all even out in the end.

 

12:15pm - I think the fragments of Wellbutrin are dissolving much faster than the SR coating did. The amped-up feeling is coming in hot. My stomach is in knots of anxiety. Reminds me of how it felt when Adderall kicked in, but at least I know it won’t last the rest of the day anymore.

 

Been learning more about AI, and with some of these bots, we could feed them all the advice ever given by the mods on here over the years, and perhaps have a decently well-educated AI taper-helper. 

 

Beyond my skill set to do so at this point, and it would have to be rigorously put through QA testing, but it’s interesting to think of all the years of research and advice on here being masticated and learned by AI. Just with what’s already on the internet to pull from, not even feeding it any sites, many chat bots have better taper advice than any psychiatrist I’ve ever spoken with. 

 

12:45pm - Feeling so tense and nervous! This is fully meds, I’m feeling chill about my day.

 

1:15pm - Tense, white-knuckling today. Looking forward to Gabapentin!

 

2pm - Kinda glad that today’s work is going to be cut short, I’m having trouble concentrating.

 

7pm - Good news! We got legally married today. We did a big DIY wedding ceremony late last year, but didn’t get around to the legal stuff until now. It’s now official! It felt official to us since the ceremony, but now the government gave us a stamp of approval and it's real. 

 

As happy as I was, I also felt muted and numbed out. Shame to think that meds are robbing me of natural joy, but so it is. I’m happy, yet feeling a bit far away and numb, despite being happy and grateful. I felt numbed out on the "real" wedding day in November too, which made me keep coming back here to figure out what's making me feel so over-medicated and keep at it with med changes.

 

We have a few months to plan the third and final Family Wedding this spring, so stress is ticking up about that. We're doing what's officially termed a "micro wedding," but even so, the wedding industrial complex is so expensive! Been budgeting and saving up, we’ll figure this out.

 

Still, the stress is a lot and if anyone has some prayers to throw my way, I'd appreciate it. You know what, though? I'd been saying we should elope, and my partner wanted the wedding experience. Today was what I would have gotten with an elopement: government buildings, waiting for your number to be called, etc. My partner was right, no fun!

 

Our wedding in November was a million times better than the legal process today, and I'm so glad we put in the investment of time, money, blood, sweat, and tears to make that wild party happen with our loved ones. This upcoming one will be more family and faraway friends we don't see often. It'll be fun, and much less physical labor than the last one. I need to focus on the fun and not logistics all the time!

 

After getting the marriage paperwork all done and dusted, we biked to the lake and sat and enjoyed the sunshine and some people watching. We both had a lot to do, so the extent of the celebration was that and ordering some Indian food to be delivered for dinner.

 

Now, a little more work before bed. I've been trying to wind down as it gets towards midnight, and switching to reading before bed has been helpful, so not too much more work. Trying to make healthy choices these days! 

[j1290]

4 hours ago, littlebird said:

many chat bots have better taper advice than any psychiatrist I’ve ever spoken with. 

This gave me a laugh!  No arguments from me! 

 

Congrats on the wedding!

[FireflyFyte]

11 hours ago, littlebird said:

Good news! We got legally married today. We did a big DIY wedding ceremony late last year, but didn’t get around to the legal stuff until now. It’s now official! It felt official to us since the ceremony, but now the government gave us a stamp of approval and it's real. 

 

Congratulations on being officially married 🎉

[littlebird]

Thank you, @j1290 and @FireflyFyte!! I'd been thinking we already felt married since we said our vows in front of people, but there is a new level of security now that feels nice.

 

Plus, someone wonderful loves me enough to go to great lengths to lock it down? Part of me is having small "waiting for the other shoe to drop" fears, but... that shoe would have dropped by now. That scared part said, "We looked it up, they have four years in California to get it annulled," and yeah... and also we could get divorced, and also we wouldn't have jumped through all these hoops if we were wanting to not be together.

 

I've spent my whole life with one foot out the door, and now it feels really nice to use both feet to jump in. We've been together ages, and are already registered domestic partners, but I did have a moment yesterday in the waiting room thinking, "Wow, this is a big deal," and also, "I love how right this feels, this is the move."

 

Hey, just realized this is my first morning waking up as an officially married person! Love this for me. Being married sounds quite mature in theory, but I came across a bit by a comedian I like named Atsuko Okatsuka explaining why marriage is actually extremely childish and it came me laugh so hard. She's right!

[littlebird]

I realized that I can use the different effects of meds. So I’m scheduling things that make me more nervous (client communication, marketing) for Gabapentin times, and using the amped up feeling of Wellbutrin to push me through tasks that feel daunting to tackle. 

 

I have yet to find which med is best for things like the marketing class I’m taking, or reading comprehension. Kinda feels like my reading comprehension takes a hit when I’m Wellbutrin-anxious, but I’m also not 100% on Gabapentin. Ooh, haven’t tried taking the course on Pristiq!! Maybe that’s the time?

 

The Gaba-groggy feeling has been fading as my body gets used to it without having Wellbutrin in the mix, but I made a few silly mistakes in the past week (sending replies from the wrong inbox, doing tasks I’ve done before wrong). It’s getting easier, less foggy, but I still feel a little off. 

 

Still, so much better than when I was taking them in a handful every morning and night! I was really in a serious fog back then. 

 

I was also sleeping way too much, yet waking up exhausted, mixing Seroquel and Gabapentin at night. I was also taking those together after drinking, and I probably was messing myself up a lot doing that. I’m waking up feeling so much better now that it’s Seroquel alone at bedtime! 

[littlebird]

Oh wow, so many feelings! Wish I could have therapy more often than every 2 weeks, but we also do such deep work that maybe it's good to let it integrate. Still, while journaling on here is nice, I also maybe need to journal more in general. So many feelings, how to get them out??

 

I'm glad all this is unlocking slowly, this could get overwhelming if I was reducing meds too fast.

Edited February 7, 2023 by littlebird
Wrote a whole long thing, then felt like it was Too Much. Oh, the feelings!

[littlebird]

On 10/16/2022 at 5:37 PM, Frogie said:

I'm glad I could help.

 

Please reach out with any questions you may have.

 

Thank you! Appreciate the work you and others do here.

[littlebird]

I got a lot done today, and had good sustained work. Yet am still very much feeling Never Good Enough. Found myself going over 8 hours and wondering: am I legitimately inspired, or am I trying to make some feelings go away?

[littlebird]

Very active sleep, tore that bed up tossing and turning last night! Feeling ok though, just a bit groggy. Decided to keep going with emojis, while they're silly, they're also providing an easy visual mood tracking system for me, so eff it.

 

10am 🥱 - 100mg Gabapentin

11:30am 😬 - Gabapentin not handling anxiety like it used to. Tense!!!

12pm 😬 - 22.5mg Wellbutrin

1pm 😬 - Surfing the anxiety waves!

1:30pm 😄 - Our new CRM at work is dope, getting lots done on Wellbutrin wave!

1:45pm 😳 - Agitated

2pm 😬 100mg Gabapentin

3pm 😬 - Stressed, Gabapentin barely taking edge off anxiety

3:45pm 😐 - Doing my graphic design thing on gabapentin, glad I have this project

4pm 🙂 - 25mg Pristiq 

6pm 😬 - 22.5mg Wellbutrin < This has been a great change, I’m getting more done at night

8pm 😓 - 100mg Gabapentin

Aiming for midnight bedtime for 100mg Seroquel again

 

10:30am - Wrote to someone I respect, and heard back to day. I think if I had read this while on Wellbutrin, it would have made me nervous. On Gabapentin, it was just good to hear back from her, and it was interesting to hear how she’s doing and why she’s made the choices she has.

 

11am - Knocked out some pitches using the increased calm from Gabapentin. It’s also getting easier each time, and we’ve been getting some interest. Also, people know us and have been reaching out! 

 

1pm - I’ve been very forgetful.

 

3:45pm - Ok, Pristiq coming up! This has been a great change so far, taking it earlier in the day. I’m still figuring out how to make it work for the tail end of my work day, either that or the shift to Wellbutrin IR was making me so tired I kept lying down for hours at a time (and I’m not usually a nap person). I wasn’t getting things done around the house, which made my depression worse as everywhere I looked was evidence that I wasn’t functioning so well. 

 

Wellbutrin in the evenings has been a good quality of life switch. It seems like I’ve found a combination that is working for me, so I might be on track for the next two weeks. The Gabapentin isn’t as evenly spaced out as I’d like it, but I also don’t want to make any changes for the next two weeks (and I can’t figure out in that puzzle where it would go to make it more even). 

 

4:30pm - Pristiq still makes me want to lie down, but I brought my laptop with me. I’m lying down and getting work done. Gosh, Pristiq makes me sleepy as it kicks in.

 

9pm - Frustrating day! No matter how much I accomplished, and I got a lot done, I was stuck in “never good enough” mode. 

 

Wedding planning is breathing down our necks, and we’re stressballs. Wish we had a different situation with our parents!

 

In wedding planning forums, it’s sometimes hard to read about parents who provide emotional and financial support. I wish there was a forum for people who have not so good parents who are planning a wedding and we can all commiserate:

 

“Why are they so full of demands?” 

“Why would they say that?” 

“What would a supportive parent say on a wedding day? I want to imagine it, because I’m going to hear about how my wrinkles are getting worse and I look tired.”

 

Feeling a cry coming on! We’ll see if it breaks through or remains puddled in my eyes. Some days are easier than others.

[littlebird]

Just wanted to send some love to anyone who might read this! This med journey ain't easy, and we're keeping at it. 

 

We're tough AF! 😤 It also seems to be a theme that we all are rather hard on ourselves, so maybe let's play with the idea that we're smarter, stronger, cooler, and more capable than we think we are. ❤️

[littlebird]

On 10/19/2022 at 6:32 AM, Shep said:

Please note that if you're taking magnesium, it can block the absorption of Gabapentin, so you'll want to space magnesium away from Gabapentin by at least 2 hours.

 

On 10/20/2022 at 2:38 PM, littlebird said:

I was going to say I don’t take Magnesium, but the multivitamin I was taking at night has it.

 

Shep, I’ve been wondering about the Magnesium. I stopped taking my multivitamin back in October because it has magnesium. In hindsight, as a vegetarian, maybe not the best move.

 

I looked up how it is with other meds, and it looks like it also interacts with Seroquel. I didn’t find anything about interactions with Pristiq or Wellbutrin, and I was wondering if it might be a good time to take it with one of those since they’re spaced out from Gabapentin. Does that sound like a safe time to take it?

[littlebird]

Didn’t realize how much Wellbutrin SR was helping me with ADHD until it wasn’t. This isn’t great! Brain all over the place, making mistakes, feeling real out of it and confused. Forgetting so much! Walking into a room and not knowing why I went in there or why I’m holding the thing I’m holding. Gonna have to find some other ways to handle this, because I don’t necessarily want to go back on SR Wellbutrin. 

 

Losing my mind!!!!

[littlebird]

Aw fudge. My partner’s boss called, and it looks to be a long call. The sun is going down, and the dog needs to be walked.

 

I haven’t walked her alone in our neighborhood since I got mugged. It just felt better to walk with someone else, like we had each other’s backs. Don’t have any walking buddies lined up, and the sun is fading by the minute.

 

I need to do this, and I’m super scared. Gosh, hate to admit that, I usually have a tough front. I’m scared as heck to walk around my own neighborhood with my dog. I hate this for me (and my dog, she needs this walk and is getting annoyed with me). 

 

This is pretty bad. It’s hard to take deep breaths, I realized I was breathing quickly and shallowly. I’m losing it, y’all.

[littlebird]

I was unable to do this. Got all ready to go, took the leash and harness into the backyard to get the dog, and had a full blown panic attack, couldn’t breathe, and broke down in tears. PTSD still a factor, I see! I’m going to see if my partner and I can take her out after their call is done, I don’t want to leave my pup hanging. I feel like a failure and a coward, but I’d never call someone else those things for having feelings about being punched in the face in their own neighborhood, and being nervous.

 

I’ve had some near misses and close calls with scary **** in my 7+ years in this neighborhood, but the mugging was the first attack I’ve experienced here. We need to move. There are bullet holes (and bullets, it would stand to reason) in my house. I got punched in the face on my front steps. 

 

What can I say? Rent control in a high cost of living area goes a long way, and we don’t have the savings for first, last, and deposit at the moment!

[littlebird]

Slept ok, maybe a little less than 8 hours

10am 😐 - 100mg Gabapentin

12pm 😐- 22.5mg Wellbutrin

1:20pm 😬- Can’t wait for Gabapentin, v tense. Tempted to take early, but staying on schedule

2pm 😬- 100mg Gabapentin

3:30pm 🙃 - Struggleville to get anything done

3:45pm 😬 - Brief uptick in suicidal ideation 

4pm 😬 - 25mg Pristiq

5:45pm 😳 - PTSD symptoms v high

6pm 😬- 22.5mg Wellbutrin

8pm 😬- 100mg Gabapentin

9pm 😩 - Tension headache, plus it feels like the top of my head is on fire

10pm 😔 - Feeling hopeless and very down

Aiming for midnight bedtime as always, but feeling so yuck I don't know if I'll make it that far. Really tough day. 😭

 

Gratitudes:

- Still here and kicking!

- Talked with a good friend, it was really nice

- It felt like the last thing I wanted to do, I made dinner and it turned out well! Also:

- I made brownies! Not my best batch, but not the worst

- I was saying before how I wanted to cry, and hoo boy, since switching to IR have I been crying!

- Successfully cut down on how many cigarettes I smoked today, plus no chain smoking out of stress

- A bodywork school I took acupressure and other classes at emailed asking for volunteers to come get free massages for class finals, and I got in for one. Free massage coming up!

- Talking with people on here about acupuncture has convinced me to get back into it, looking into local spots

- Hummingbirds have been coming in hot to the feeders, and I've been watching some juveniles grow up and get bigger. They're getting pretty comfy with my presence near them, and some have been singing their cute, squeaky little songs

- Speaking of birds, I was having a tough moment earlier, and heard a sound: looked up and was surrounded by way more birds than I usually see in the city. Felt like I was in a forest for a moment, just when I needed it

[j1290]

Sorry to hear you're having this trouble, Littlebird.   Do you think the med changes have anything to do with it?  FWIW I know I get emotional the first 3 weeks or so after I do a reduction.    

[littlebird]

12 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Sorry to hear you're having this trouble, Littlebird.   Do you think the med changes have anything to do with it?  FWIW I know I get emotional the first 3 weeks or so after I do a reduction.

 

Yeah, I think going to IR has been tough! I didn't know how much SR was helping with focus till it wasn't, and my forgetfulness/lack of focus has been a lot: making depression worse because I keep dropping balls and feeling bad about myself, and also making anxiety worse because I feel like I'm going to get fired if I don't pull it together. 

 

I think the emotionality has also been turned up quite a bit, but tbh it's hard to untangle what is doing what all up in here. 🤪  

 

I can't tell if life is more stressful than usual, or it just feels that way because I'm not coping so well. Hoping and praying things even out soon!! I'm going to go have a lil cry and eat some brownies about it I think.

 

Thank you for the help and support! You're a headache-hat-wearing angel. 😇

[j1290]

9 minutes ago, littlebird said:

but tbh it's hard to untangle what is doing what all up in here. 

I totally get it.   All this stuff is connected together but it's in a knot and hard to say exactly what's doing what.    

 

10 minutes ago, littlebird said:

You're a headache-hat-wearing angel. 😇

Guilty as charged.   I'm rocking it this moment, as a matter of fact.  So glad I brought it to work.   

[littlebird]

25 minutes ago, j1290 said:

I'm rocking it this moment, as a matter of fact.  So glad I brought it to work.   

 

Glad you did too! This one could maybe pass for a beanie from a distance, maybe more work-friendly? Hope the creaky ghosts don't bother you tonight!

 

26 minutes ago, j1290 said:

All this stuff is connected together but it's in a knot and hard to say exactly what's doing what.    

 

Usually I like puzzles, but forget this! 😂

 

Did you go through any periods of confusion? Hard to tell if it's the lack of ADHD-help the SR was giving me, or a WD symptom, but I'm dropping balls like I'm about to fail a juggling class. Also made me second-guess if I took everything today! I think I did, and I logged it, so I must have? Fogged in!

[FireflyFyte]

7 hours ago, littlebird said:

Did you go through any periods of confusion? Hard to tell if it's the lack of ADHD-help the SR was giving me, or a WD symptom, but I'm dropping balls like I'm about to fail a juggling class. Also made me second-guess if I took everything today! I think I did, and I logged it, so I must have? Fogged in!

 

I have been struggling with a resurface of my ADHD symptoms since I stopped taking Vyvanse and also have an inkling that the Gabapentin and/or Zyprexa is also contributing to my forgetfulness and lack of motivation. I am trying to combat it, without using medication, by taking a lot of notes while I am working so I have a physical reminder of what I need to follow up on and am going to start using timers so I can dedicate let's say 15 minutes to a specific task before moving onto something new. 

 

Maybe we can share ADHD coping skills with one another? 

[littlebird]

3 hours ago, FireflyFyte said:

Maybe we can share ADHD coping skills with one another? 

 

Yes please!!! I need to start taking notes too, plus probably doing some to-do lists and maybe bringing some sticky note reminders into the mix. I can't believe how much the SR was helping! Got so frustrated with forgetting things that I was tempted to reinstate Wellbutrin SR and starting over with Pristiq, but I also have come this far. Feels like I should give it a couple weeks to see if I can adjust.

 

My insurance company/provider has an ADHD class, but the first suggestion they had was to have a clean desk. It felt frustrating because I'd gone to them for help with that sort of basic skill: I pick something up, take it where it goes, and forget why I'm holding that thing or why I'm in that room. Felt like I was needing a remedial ADHD class, and landed in advanced placement!

 

Awhile back a mod shared an ADHD thread, I'll see if I can find it!

[j1290]

@littlebird  You ever get trauma related dissociation?  I read a CPTSD book mentioned around here, and realized how much I learned to get in my head as a kid to protect myself and how I still do it today.   Causes me to be absent minded, among other things.  I would really like to improve that area of my life, and I'm willing to hire a professional, but I don't really know where to start.  It would really be nice not to have that any more.  

[littlebird]

19 minutes ago, j1290 said:

You ever get trauma related dissociation?  I read a CPTSD book mentioned around here, and realized how much I learned to get in my head as a kid to protect myself and how I still do it today.   Causes me to be absent minded, among other things.  I would really like to improve that area of my life, and I'm willing to hire a professional, but I don't really know where to start.  It would really be nice not to have that any more.

 

Oh, yes!!! It's better than it used to be, but that would explain a lot about "losing time" and being surprised at how late it is in the day.

 

You know what, you've made me make a connection here. Since the mugging, I've been feeling extra foggy and having trouble with concentration. I hadn't specifically thought about dissociation, but of course that would be at play.

 

Our poor lil younger selves! We had to learn to disconnect to survive, among other survival skills we had to develop way too young. 

 

I just looked up recovery from it, and found a lot of recommendations of medicines amongst the recommendations of talk therapy. I find that questionable, as it feels like meds made me dissociate even more from life.

 

I have a cPTSD workbook I've been meaning to try out by Dr. Arielle Schwartz. It's very daunting, and it feels so vulnerable to write things out where anyone could flip through it and read my thoughts. Although, my partner wouldn't do that, and no one else is likely to come across it.

 

Just picked it up and looked up dissociation, then balked at the idea of filling it out and closed it again. Scary!

 

Have you found anything that helps with dissociation? Sometimes going out in nature and smelling flowers and looking at birds and other animals can help me come back to the present moment a bit more. I wonder if I need to take more than one walk a day when I'm feeling a little safer walking in the neighborhood.

[j1290]

12 minutes ago, littlebird said:

and found a lot of recommendations of medicines

Sign me up!!  I need like 50 more meds in my life 😋

 

13 minutes ago, littlebird said:

I hadn't specifically thought about dissociation, but of course that would be at play.

Like so many things, because it's the air I breathe, I don't even notice it myself usually.

 

14 minutes ago, littlebird said:

It's very daunting, and it feels so vulnerable to write things out where anyone could flip through it and read my thoughts.

Oh yeah, that's breaking lots of Don't Talk rules for sure.   

15 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Have you found anything that helps with dissociation?

Not much, but then I haven't really investigated beyond noting it and using hoping it will go away as an ineffective strategy LOL Here's a reddit thread that looks promising.  Just skimming it I forgot about the naming everything you see around you, strategy.  I used to do that for panic attacks.   

 

Someone just called dissociation 'intense daydreaming to relieve stress'.   Love that description.  

 

I'll dive in and let you know what I find!

[littlebird]

24 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Like so many things, because it's the air I breathe, I don't even notice it myself usually.

 

This made me clap my hands in applause, you said this so well. I spent most of my life in survival mode, so it's easy to slip back into it. Thus me not realizing I was in a PTSD episode until I was pulling out of it, like other episodes in my life.

 

24 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Oh yeah, that's breaking lots of Don't Talk rules for sure.   

 

🤯 Oh, so you're blowing my mind again on this Thursday! Of course, because abusers teach you to be quiet about it. Wow. I still struggle to talk about it, sometimes memories just burst out and I'll share something with my partner. Which then makes me realize how messed up what I experienced was, sooooo maybe processing these memories would be beneficial.

 

Ugh, talk about the worst homework, but filling out these empty workbooks I've collected over the years would fall under "doing the work."

 

27 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Just skimming it I forgot about the naming everything you see around you, strategy.  I used to do that for panic attacks.   

 

Oh yeah, good call! Sometimes, to really kick in the left side of the brain during panic, I'll spell out the name of something I'm seeing, then count how many letters are in it. I should do this more often, just now counting out the letters in hummingbird noticeably pulled my brain in a more logical direction than it was in.

 

28 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Someone just called dissociation 'intense daydreaming to relieve stress'.   Love that description. 

 

I bet there are benefits to it we're not seeing. Just scratching the surface, it was easy during cognitive defusion exercises in a DBT class I took to dissociate from a thought. In the more new agey parts of my recovery, I also found it easier to dissociate from my body/mind and follow guided meditations wherever they were taking me.

 

We learned to realm-walk out of our lil selves quite young! Who knows, maybe we've been astral traveling this whole time and didn't know it. 

 

Whether it's dissociation, IR, or a combination, I'm struggling to focus on this day! Something that should have taken 10 minutes max (yesterday! this task is late) is taking me ages to muddle through. 

 

Ah well, gonna try to give myself more of a break on this stuff, like @hayduke was saying in another thread! That made me get tears in my eyes to read, I'd been really hard on myself yesterday about not being as productive as I'd been the day before. I need to go easier on myself if I can!

[j1290]

8 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Ugh, talk about the worst homework,

This gave me a laugh.  Yeah no doubt the worst homework ever!!! 

 

11 minutes ago, littlebird said:

I'd been really hard on myself yesterday about not being as productive as I'd been the day before. I need to go easier on myself if I can!

Dude, don't forget it really is kinda a miracle we can put one foot in front of the other each day.  You did enough.  

[littlebird]

Just now, j1290 said:

This gave me a laugh.  Yeah no doubt the worst homework ever!!! 

 

The worst! I was thinking about starting a Self Help Book Club thread on here, both so we can talk about things that are helping us and also for some accountability for myself around actually doing the work.

 

I tend to make my way slowly through PTSD books, or that one about emotionally immature parents. My mind gets blown and I had to put the book down and process a little bit.

 

Slow going, but it would be worth it to keep going. I also started one called How to Keep House While Drowning, that has good tips for ADHD/neuro-spicy organization. I keep meaning to crack it back open and keep reading... then forgetting until I'm about to go to sleep when I want to disappear into a lighter and less emotionally loaded book.

 

3 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Dude, don't forget it really is kinda a miracle we can put one foot in front of the other each day.  You did enough. 

 

Thank you!! Sometimes I can get into this mindset, sometimes I'm in a one person meeting of the Never Good Enough Club. Right after writing about struggling with that overdue task, I got so annoyed that I pushed through the last of it, called it good enough, and smashed it into someone else's inbox for a little while. It's out of my court for a minute!

 

Trying to focus more on, "Good job, you did it," and not give much air-time to the much louder, "Took you long enough, that should have been done yesterday afternoon, and it probably isn't good enough" meanie up in this head of mine.

 

God, what a mean part of me! Had some talks with my parents recently that made me realize: 1) I see where the mean self-talk and low self-esteem come from, 2) I need to talk to my parents less while I'm so med-sensitive, and give my precious time to people who are affirming and kind instead, and 3) They're lucky I talk to them at all; going lower contact to keep the lines of communication going is ultimately a gift to them.

 

Ok, feeling some processing coming on: Meanie? Thanks for the input, but it's not helpful. Good enough is great right now! Lay off.

 

I'm doing the best I can, even if at times I judge that as "not good enough." The fact that I'm still able to work at all is a miracle, my team needs me, and I'm doing the damn thing despite feeling like Oscar the Grouch.

 

I can do this, and it's okay if it's a little slower than usual while I get used to this new med regimen.

 

I'm partially believing this, which is progress! Gonna try to keep it encouraging and kind up in my brain for the rest of the day. And every day from here on out as much as I can! Meanie, you're evicted.

[littlebird]

I'm struggling with this Wellbutrin IR affecting memory and work. Part of me wants to scurry back to the SR to get some focus back, then pivot to Pristiq tapering yet again. BUT, I've tried tapering Pristiq, and the doctor gave me Prozac, and that didn't go so well. 

 

While part of me wants to backtrack, I've also come this far and want to keep going. Perhaps I'll feel differently as my body and brain get used to this! I'm wavering, but also talking myself into keeping at this schedule for the next two weeks like I said I would. 

 

The going is getting rough and it's hard to keep going! Perhaps this is also an opportunity to up my personal organization, and find non-medication ways to handle my focus issues. Okay, I'm talking myself into keeping med regimen the same and pushing through the next two weeks. Less than two weeks at this point, I can do this.

 

I've noticed that many people I know who have developmental trauma struggle with focus. If our nervous systems were developing in an unsafe environment, it makes sense why this would happen, but it sure is hard to handle as an adult!

[Hanna72]

Hi @littlebird 

I am sorry to hear that things are rough for you now. 

This is why I wanted to drop by with some encouraging words for you.

Sometimes the most difficult part of any journey is seeing you are worth the destination you dream of. Life is going to challenge us every single day, and some days we just want to give up. I believe that if you can imagine or see (visualise) your goal, you will achieve it.

Every step you take, you should be proud of. Trust that you are brave enough to face the challenges and strong enough to see it through the end. Remind yourself that even though life hasn’t been easy for you, you are doing the best you can every single day. Don’t be hard on yourself, you are so deserving of all that this life has to offer you. You may not be able to change the past, but you have the ability and choice to create a brighter future for yourself. It’s in your hands now.

Believe, stay focused and determined , and most of all believe in yourself. 
Reset, restart, refocus, as many times as you need, just don’t ever quit!!

My best wishes to you .

Edited February 10, 2023 by Hanna72

[littlebird]

1 hour ago, Hanna72 said:

Sometimes the most difficult part of any journey is seeing you are worth the destination you dream of. Life is going to challenge us every single day, and some days we just want to give up. I believe that if you can imagine or see (visualise) your goal, you will achieve it.

 

Thank you so, so much!! This helped, I started visualizing why I want to be off meds and what that would feel like. I've always wanted to travel for an extended time, but having a med cocktail always made me wonder how'd I source those in other countries. What if I could pack a bag, and not need to count out meds for the days I've planned to be gone (plus extra for delays, learned that the hard way). Or to be less foggy, and more in touch with my inner self! Thank you, this was a good exercise.

 

1 hour ago, Hanna72 said:

Every step you take, you should be proud of. Trust that you are brave enough to face the challenges and strong enough to see it through the end. Remind yourself that even though life hasn’t been easy for you, you are doing the best you can every single day. Don’t be hard on yourself, you are so deserving of all that this life has to offer you. You may not be able to change the past, but you have the ability and choice to create a brighter future for yourself. It’s in your hands now.

 

I can't thank you enough for these words! 

 

1 hour ago, Hanna72 said:

Believe, stay focused and determined , and most of all believe in yourself. 
Reset, restart, refocus, as many times as you need, just don’t ever quit!!

 

Yes, yes, yes! 😤 You've pumped me up, and I'm feeling more determined! You're the best, thank you. Best wishes to you on your journey!

[littlebird]

Log

Sleep: around 8 hours, seemed pretty solid, no memorable nightmares. Winning!

10am - 100mg Gabapentin

11:45am - Having trouble concentrating and stringing words together

12pm - 22.5mg Wellbutrin

12:20pm - Trying so hard to focus and get things done, not going so well

12:30pm - Amped up and yet can’t focus and make words happen good

2pm - 100mg Gabapentin

4pm - 25mg Pristiq 

4:30pm - It’s almost dog-walking time, and I have so much more to do!!

4:45pm - Brain not working good. Second-guessing every word I write. Social anxiety!

5:30pm - Confused AF, making mistakes 

6pm - 22.5mg Wellbutrin

6:30pm - I haven’t eaten enough today!!! Might have solved why confusion was extra bad

8pm - 100mg Gabapentin

8:45pm - Now I have some focus!! I needed to eat (had a big dinner, feeling better)

9:45pm - Brain started to frazzle and I called it a day for trying to work

10pm - Boss had panic and needed help, so back at it but will stop for bed by midnight

10:45pm - Still working, taking break to post and clear foggy head

 

Notes

Morning

Wow, I’m dropping balls with this Wellbutrin switch to IR. I didn’t know how much the SR was helping me with ADHD until it wasn’t! Wondering if this means it’s something that’s good to continue tapering, or if I should switch back again to trying to taper Pristiq. Part of me wants to hit the reset button and start taking Wellbutrin SR again, part of me wants to keep going and see what happens in a few weeks and if my brain and body will adjust.

 

Afternoon

Broke out my paper planner, and started using the tasks feature in my work gmail account. Hoping I can figure out how to manage my increase in focus issues!

 

Evening

Pristiq seems to make confusion worse, or maybe it’s Wellbutrin IR fading? I’m spinning out. I’m dropping balls, y’all!! I’m really not doing well, but I’m doing my best, and it’ll have to be good enough.

 

Made herbal tea to rehydrate (seems like I am thirstier than usual since switching to IR) and also I’ve been meaning to get back into my herb cabinet and pull out some relaxing plants and flowers to try and calm my nervous system down.

 

Trying out a vape that’s the size of a cigarette, so hoping that will lessen my urge to chain smoke as a stress response. The chain smoking is new to the med adventure, I used to be one and done.

 

So far it’s mildly helpful to have vape instead of lighting up too often! Hid my pack and lighter in my bag so I don’t have a visual temptation. Minute by minute, making healthier choices! It would be nice if I could get smoking to "every once and awhile treat" like it used to be. Goals! Also, for now? It's harm reduction and helping me through a roller coaster, so I'm gonna cut myself a little slack.

 

Night

Gosh darn it, anorexia struck again today and I didn’t realize it until too late!. Turns out if you only eat a few mouthfuls of food and no square meals all day, it makes one a little confused. So what I thought was med effects might have been "too busy and stressed to remember to eat" effects. Tomorrow I’m going to EAT, and see if that helps focus. I have a mean feeling it will! Oh my goodness, I feel like I need reminders to eat built into my day. Like mealtimes, you might say? I was doing well with this for awhile, it's a mild to medium relapse of eating disorder. 

 

I had just called it a day for work when my boss said he needed help at 10pm, but I asked him for help so I can do this quickly. Proud of myself for asking for help with language around something instead of puzzling over it with my foggy med brain. Language has been HARD, writing ain't coming easy. We’re both kinda spinning out with stress and over-work, but it’s such a small team that we all just need to keep on keeping on. 

 

My other team-mate is in Ukraine, working as much as he can when a little electricity flickers on between Russian strikes on their utilities. He and his family have been burning wood all winter to stay warm in the brutal cold since power kept being taken out. He’s getting massive amounts done whenever he can connect to the internet.

 

Really puts my struggles in perspective, you know? We’ve got stress, but not “hope we survive this” and “picking shrapnel out of my yard so my kids won’t get hurt” stress. My focus might waver, but our power and internet connection never does. Which leads to:

 

Gratitudes

- Hummingbirds have been visiting a lot today! It’s also a nice, sunny day and I can work in the backyard.

- Looking at success stories on here gave me hope that I can do this!

- I keep thinking about how helpful this new therapist has been, and what we discussed. Looking forward to talking to him again next week!

- Realized my current stresses are things I wished for at one point: a job I enjoy that challenges me, figuring out how to taper meds safely, getting married. These are things I wanted very much previously! It was a good perspective shift to have.

- Finally smashed something I'd been struggling with into someone else’s court. I was having trouble with a work task, and it took me longer than I feel it should have, but I decided done was better than perfect and just pushed through and got movement going on it.

- Really enjoying the talks I’ve had with people on here, so much food for thought!

- The weather getting warmer means I get to spend more time working in the backyard, which is really good for my mental health. Yay for sunshine and fresh air! Working from home in a small city apartment with my partner/co-worker gets a little full-on at times. It’s so nice to get outside and have some space, and hear birds sing.

- AI is really flipping cool and useful, we live in the future!

- Read an article about cognitive diversity that made me feel better about my brain. Sure, it’s mildly short-circuiting lately, but also I’m providing things to the team and filling needs. I’m making this company better, even if my self-talk doesn’t always recognize that.

- I’m getting things done! Feels good to get things off the to-do list so they aren’t weighing over me

- I called it a night when my brain started to frazzle, and decided to play video games instead. I struggle with resting/allowing myself to do things just for fun, so it was a good exercise to just let myself play.

- Ate some of the soup I made last night, and it’s one of my better ones! Grateful to have recovered as much as I have from disordered eating. It’s so much easier to cook and eat these days!

[Go2zero]

12 hours ago, littlebird said:

I'm struggling with this Wellbutrin IR affecting memory and work. Part of me wants to scurry back to the SR to get some focus back,

 

I see you recently went from SR and IR. This could already affect and stimulate WD symptoms as you suggest.

 

But I also see you dropped the dose from 50 - 45 mg recently. My personal experience is that when I came under 66 mg each drop in dosage became more and more difficult. I had long periods (several months, with a maximum of 8 months) with heavy WD symptoms. Also memory and concentration problems. And other symptoms that made me think of Alzheimer symptoms. This is not so strange when thinking Alzheimer has to do with a dopamine deficit.

 

It could be that your recent symptoms are not (only) caused by switching from SR to IR. Did you also changed the brand, or not. That can also have effect. 

 

And a dose drop op 10% may be much too high now you came under the 50mg. I already got heavy WD symptoms when I dropped the Wellbutrin only 3%...

 

If I were you I would stabilise for a longer period. And you could also think of just a little updose, like 47 mg. That could help as well.

 

Edited February 10, 2023 by Go2zero

[NoWeaponShallProsper]

Sorry to hear things are tough for you, LittleBird!

Sending you a warm hug!

[littlebird]

10 hours ago, Go2zero said:

memory and concentration problems. And other symptoms that made me think of Alzheimer symptoms. This is not so strange when thinking Alzheimer has to do with a dopamine deficit.

 

This makes so much sense! I'm forgetting and misplacing things all day, and doing things like agreeing to make my partner a cup of tea, then hours later on the dog walk saying, "Oh my gosh, you asked for tea and I forgot!"

 

It's pretty weird! I'm wondering if this is something all these meds do, or if Wellbutrin has a special dose of forgetting since it's supposed to help with focus. Yikes!

 

I'm starting to wondering if these side effects are worth it, and if I should try yet again to target Pristiq. Toughing it out for awhile longer to see what's what! I think I might have to start doing a "Quality of Life Pro/Con List" for each med. 

 

I'll have to look into Alzheimers and dopamine deficit! I had no idea. This is wild, my brain feels like a record skipping all over the place. Plus these other WD symptoms? Hoo boy, wish I had a way to tell my younger self to find this website and start tapering. Magical thinking!

 

Thank you for reaching out, I appreciate it.

[littlebird]

9 hours ago, NoWeaponShallProsper said:

Sorry to hear things are tough for you, LittleBird!

Sending you a warm hug!

 

Thank you so much! Love your name. Sending a warm hug to Italy! Appreciate it.