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Ah, ain't life a beach? Just posting a quick update...Since my last post, I think that window I mentioned previously lasted one more day? Subsequent to that more "traditional" window, I seem to be experiencing something similar to what I read on another recent post here? Which is to say...not a clear delineation between windows and waves, but both are happening with more, or less, "symptoms" mixed in? In other words, primarily good days with a little, or a moderate, amount of bad, and primarily bad days with a little, or a moderate, amount of good, lol. Speaking of which, I've definitely noticed a significant difference between what my symptoms are like at any given time based on whether or not I'm able to effectively "distract" myself - which probably seems pretty obvious, yes? For example, much to my chagrin, I'm currently on a dose of antibiotics and it's exacerbating my existing stomach issues. I really, really, do not want to take ANY meds right now, but...a friend of mine carelessly infected me with conjunctivitis three weeks ago. And, you know, with conjunctivitis one gets into the whole "viral" vs "bacterial" thing, and...should I, or do I need to, take an antibiotic? Well, so, after about 2 weeks of symptoms, I finally caved and went to see an eye doctor. Nice guy and everything, but he ended up prescribing FOUR different meds, including an antibiotic? The other drugs included meds for headaches, and meds for inflammation - neither or which did I mention to the eye doctor, nor did I have such issues. I swear, I really feel like it used to not be like this in terms of doctors just going crazy these days with all the pills??? Anyway, I'm getting off topic, lol. The antibiotics for the conjunctivitis are definitely messing my stomach up lately. Except, when I'm able to distract myself - exercise, socializing, daily errands, etc - I literally stop experiencing/feeling my stomach symptoms for a while. And, the craziest thing...when you realize your symptoms are sometimes - abating, lets call it - you would THINK that might help to ease your health anxiety the next time the same, or a similar, symptom(s) crops up? Yeah, no. And really, beyond the sudden onsets of depersonalization, intrusive thoughts, mood swings, etc, etc, one of the most challenging issues is when that health anxiety hits as mentioned, and I feel like I am personally "choosing" to torture myself. Sometimes I just feel like I'm "choosing" to not help myself, or "choosing" to actively make it worse, as a way to...I don't know...punish myself? And finally, can I just say...insomnia just makes everything worse, lol. As mentioned in my sig file, I've been using melatonin and it does seem to help, but even so I basically never get a night of uninterrupted sleep right now. As for the total duration, it's probably averaging about 5-6 hours? Which, ya know, is probably not something to complain too much about at this point, eh? Even so, then come those times where you simply cannot buy a thrill. Long story short, I have two dogs, and last night they were off there regular schedule, essentially. And so, one of my dogs woke me up in the middle of the night because he needed to pee. Which is great, except, I obviously start to obsess about getting back to sleep. Which I almost succeeded in doing until...a short time later, my other dog just up and pissed all over the bedroom floor...sigh. And that was it for any more sleep last night. And honestly, throughout all of this experience...the serious medical issue, the subsequent irrational and debilitating health anxiety, the second hospitalization, the various drugs, the withdrawals, etc, etc, I really still think there's nothing worse than laying there in the dead of night like that, feeling alone and frightened, wondering for the 'nth time if it really is the withdrawal symptoms or maybe you're just doing it to yourself, i.e. you're some type of weird masochist, and if it will ever really, truly, end? Yes, times like last night are pretty tough, but what other choice do we really have, except to keep on fighting? I want my damn life back, damnit...

May 4th, 2024 Microtapering currently at 389mg of trileptal - Day 206 at 1.5mg Clonazepam ODT Time. Mood and Symptoms 700am. Slept about six hours - sheets were soaked in sweat - acid reflux flux taste in my mouth - usual pain in left side of abdomen area - will this ever go away? Trying acid watchers diet to see if this will improve acid reflux - mood is down but not as bad as mornings where I have to work - I can try to get a little more sleep after I shave down a trileptal pill - God how I hate this drug 805am. Took (.267g) 192.55mg trileptal 1205pm. Took 0.5mg Clonazepam ODT, 10mg propranolol Have to be careful on Facebook - coming across people I used to know really hurts - I imagine they are living happy lives while my life was stolen from me by psychiatry - psychiatry caused me to leave a good job in Boston and move to West Virginia which I can’t stand - it caused me to behave in ways that would cause my wife to divorce me - I would gain 100 pounds and develop acid reflux and sleep apnea - cause sexual dysfunction and a complete inability to manage my life - coming off psych drugs is so hard There are benefits though such as clarity - I can see things about my behavior and moods while under the influence of psychiatric drugs for the past 19 years - I am one of the lucky ones who will eventually get free of psychiatry - my weight is slowly coming down and my health is improving overall even with nagging withdrawal symptoms - I do believe I will get off all psychiatric drugs and the world will open up for me in ways I have never experienced before and I will live my best life - it is difficult being patient and tapering slowly and suffering waiting to get to this new life full of new friends and people I can hopefully help off of drugs the way people have been helping me 810pm. Took (.273g) 196.88mg trileptal Had an active day - did the dishes and some cleaning in the kitchen - went to book store and bought my son a dice set for dungeons and dragons and another book one a book about acid reflux dieting - also did grocery shoppping - there are many days when I do nothing at all - not sure what is normal but it is nice to be able to do something 1030pm. Took 1.0mg Clonazepam ODT, 10mg propranolol

- "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!" I'm here, my email is so old. PM me. I don't like the forum. Other people with long time experience, say the opposite. No PM's, only the forum. Read my "About Me." I will answer your PM in a month or so. I have to get my life in order! I'm 32! I have a "Four Year Plan" Ha-ha-ha! You'll only get that joke if you like history. I know for sure now. I'm kinda smart. Or Dunning-Kruger'd. If IQ is anything... I was tested and they wouldn't tell me! I'm either IQ 70 or 120+ If my vernacular or memory are any part of IQ then It's not 70! I'm also very fallible... I hope you are feeling just a little bit better as you read this. It happens so slowly. The damage is almost instant/mixed with the reason you started trying meds. It can take, what feels like a lifetime, to return to "normalcy." But if you really knew me. And all I've done. You would have no doubt. People change. Life changes and we move on. The more I speak to my parents. They only remember choice things from 30+ years ago. I remember it all. I'm sure that as I age, I will forget things. I have to use old posts to answer some questions that pertain to a comment. Other than that, I use my memory of experiences to give advice. I am too empathetic; I've been Through the "wringer." I use the memories of my own struggles to help others. Or I try to... What can I do but my best? I'm not leaving. These drugs sucked so much. They ruined my adolescence. If I can help just one more person. It's worth it. Ha... well, that's a monologue. It's how I feel. I don't dance around. (I Jig) I am quite blunt. Sometimes too blunt. Sometimes too sarcastic. Sometimes too honest and open. Sorry! I have been looking for an hour, trying to add tag words to my success story so more people find it, I unlocked my page viewership, and it was quite full! Woah, I keep that hidden for a reason! Talked to super-admin, I type command codes and script. I'm a whizz. I've spent over an hour. But I just can't find the option to add more tags. I have more experience on the site than most. I'm just talking to myself at this point. But if you know how to add tags to an existing post. Explain how to, that would be great. Recovery comes. I'm totally messed-up from seeing my friend die. But medications are not problem. All the downstairs business is working perfectly.

Hi @getofflex it’s been a long time since I posted in here. I’ve got an important decision to make and I would like to hear your take on it. I’ve got a prescription to compound my lamictal doses , and I’m concerned about making the switch. My main concerns with lamictal are reactions/side effects. Slightly higher doses make me very hyper , anxious and destabilize me completely. Should I be worried that the capsules could cause these side effects as it will be absorbed differently ? The pharmacy will use the pills I give to them. I won’t be able to make a slow transition between pill/compounding as my doctor won’t help me with it. Thank you!

Espe, how are you doing now?

I'm finishing my taper now. I just broke the pieces into progressively smaller bits. So far so good.

I was just thinking about the past years of my life, since 2015, when I was 19 years old, and it's hard for me to believe how much has passed, for me it was like a minute, but in reality it's close to 9 years. In late 2019, when I quit Sertraline, I started loosing its chemical stability, and time started passing very very fast. My father died a month ago and I'm still with my same issues. His dead came fast, in a matter of 5-4 months, because a deadly cancer, and I almost can't believe it, it's very disturbing. I feel old because my body is older and my mind exhausted but my self-image is from my 16 to 19 years old. I want my life back.

Thank you so much for getting back to me, for your continued support and for the information, to answer your questions 1/ The last time I drank alcohol was exactly 2 weeks ago, on that day in the morning I also took one of my partners diazepam tablets in the hope it might calm the muscle spasm and nerve pain from my FND. Then in the evening I drank three beers as I was feeling so stressed and panicky. The diazepam did seem to calm the muscle spasm down and gave some relief from the pain but I felt pretty odd the next day so I don't think it's something I will repeat. 2/ I developed FND before I was put on any psychiatric drugs, I am satisfied I do you have the genuine condition FND . However I am also aware that there is a tendency among some doctors to misuse the FND label and slap it on anything they don't understand, which includes people with prescribed harm. I think this is unacceptable, It makes me really angry when doctors do this, prescribed harm should be acknowledged and properly researched. I will avoid alcohol from now on, I will also lay out some notes over the next few days as you requested thank you so much again for your help this forum really is a lifesaver

This is a very helpful video explaining the role of waves and windows. ❤️

Hey Catwoman73! Thanks for your input! When you are saying, yes you get this as well, are you talking about the weird feeling in your upper abdomen or what exactly were you referring to?

Once you get below 125mg in dose, cutting 12.5 will be too much (more than 10%). Many have been burnt by cutting a 12.5 mini-tab at a time, especially as they get towards 75mg. You have been tapered too fast in the past and your body is going to be extra sensitive to any drop. I highly recommend you not drop more than 5% at a time when starting your tapering back up. If that goes well, you can increase it a bit. Most taper even less than that from 12.5 onward, as that last stretch is by far the worst. Your signature says you’re at 25mg. I do think taking a 12.5 mini-tablet and the rest beads would be a good solution. You’d have to get your prescriber to agree to give you both prescriptions. Many will not and make you choose one type. Regardless, when switching to or adding in a new form of the drug, do NOT taper. Let your body adjust to the new drug first. Also, let your pharmacy know to never switch manufacturers. That’s why I began investigating this 5 years ago. I knew it had to be intentional for Pfizer to have those different sizes in there. Yes, it can be overwhelming in the beginning. BUT, I actually found it was sort of soothing and comforting to take control of my own situation. Note that pharmaceutical companies are allowed a certain variance in dose between each capsule in one prescription. It’s scary how high this variance can be. Your made up doses might be more accurate than the company’s in the end. That’s how I see it anyway. I understand. But, once you get a technique down, it will be easy. Enlisting the aid of a loved one to help you out at times can be good. My husband helped me in the beginning, but now hasnt helped me in years, lol. You wont be counting hundreds of micro beads, unless you’re talking about over a period of time. Each Effexor name-brand capsule of 37.5 contains roughly 130 beads. If you take 12.5 as a mini-tab plus 12.5 beads, you're talking counting 43 beads per dose. That will go fast once you get your plan down. Using the sieves I posted in buggedout’s thread made sorting by size a lot easier. I did it visually for the first year prior to getting the sieves. Remember, this will not be perfect. It’s impossible. We just do the best we can. I believe it’s more important to be consistent in the way we do it, rather than trying to be perfect. Weights will fluctuate on the inexpensive scale, and sorting of beads isn’t going to be perfect. We just do the best we can while knowing that even our prescriptions have a variance between capsules.

Hey thanks for the link. Interesting to read. I had no real reaction on the drug but my GP saw a QT-prolongation in my EKG. I don’t felt awful on the last day but on the other hand not really good. I would say like other people who instated the drug. The real bad reaction started two/three days after quitting. I noticed that my symptoms started to improve after two weeks. Now I have „just“ high anxiety over the day (in connection with emotional and cognetive problems but they become weaker with lower anxiety) and reduced libido. I became lexapro for IBS so I have no experience with this anxiety over the all day. I assume I should stop vaping then. The nicotine helped me over the worst stuff after the second week, but in long term it might be destabilize my nervous system more. Good to hear that I am not alone with this symptom. Even though I wish this to no one. There are days when it is just weak, but on next day it is like I get it on top what I miss the day before. Then I will try Magnesium Glycinate next. Might be the less osmotic one. thank you very much for your help-very kind!

That's rough... I've been in that state, and it's terrible. I hope the mods will have some useful suggestions for you. I know when you're in the thick of it, it's very hard to see that this too shall pass, but it will. I'll be thinking of you, and hoping you get some relief soon! 🤗

I know what you mean @BaccatePlayer, I'm with you. I know it doesn't makes the pain go away but I really understand what you're saying and I want to say that you do a great job describing the experience. I hope the pain goes away soon, or better than that, that you master it.

This so called dr just remindes me the one who was in terminator 2 pshycatric. 🙎🏻‍♂️

I and a handful of others researched the FDA filings and the patent for Effexor and concluded that each bead is roughly the same amount. Subsequently, Pfizer finally answered someone’s inquiry asking if each bead is the same amount of active ingredient. They said it was. You’ll have to calculate your dose per bead (Pfizer/Viatris has different manufacturing facilities), but it should be close to .3. Yes to your other points. I store my extra beads and new doses in old plastic amber colored rx bottles. I put one of those drying sachets you get with medicines or supplements into each bottle to keep out moisture, then place in a cabinet, out of direct sunlight. I do not put them in the fridge as that can add moisture. The rx says they are good for a year, but pharmacists and testing say they can last for many more years if stored properly. You are understanding this whole process well along with the variables that create concern, especially when first starting out. All of us played these scenerios out in our heads over and over again. In the end, however, we had to come to grips with the fact that this is not going to be an exact science. It would be far easier if Pfizer would create smaller doses or a liquid. Ironically, when they applied to the FDA for approval, they had other smaller doses in the proposal. For some reason, they never manufactured them. There’s a link on SA on how to use the scale properly. It will fluctuate often and drive you crazy in the beginning. The key is to come to grips with the fact that a minuscule amount of variation isn’t going to make much, if any, difference. Yes, you just add and subtract beads until you get to your desired weight. I opted not to just weigh my doses as I was highly unstable and wanted to consider the size of bead. It was only after i started tapering again after my reinstatement, that I discovered the FDA and Patent filings. I reinstated at around 10 mg, I think, so I didn’t have a bunch of beads to deal with. Others on higher doses weigh and don’t seem to have a problem doing it that way until below 37.5 or so. Truth be known, I both count my beads and weigh them. I was so unstable and didn’t want to take any chances.

Today it was a sad day, but I had more insights. Each passing day everything fits better in my mind, like a puzzle that is finally looking complete. I feel pretty sh*tty but overall I think I'm going up. I have a huge amount of things to do, to recover, to be "functional", and, above anything else, I need to develop healthier coping strategies. For all these years I was trapped in the sick mindset of psychiatric sanism, deeply feeling like a (morally) defective and broken person, and the more I tried to fix myself the more I reinforced that extremely toxic idea, which had devastating effects in my life, I wasn't solving anything, I simply was self-suppressing.

We call this an adverse reaction. Here is a link that talks about adverse reactions, and recovery from them. Immediate Adverse Reaction I see. Can you please add this to your signature, along with dosage and dates, as best you can remember? Thank you. I'm glad to hear this! Many of us on this site have more anxiety earlier in the day, due to the naturally higher level of cortisol in our bodies early in the day. Because our brains are destabilized, this cortisol makes us feel agitated and anxious, instead of just giving us energy and alertness like it should. This will eventually resolve, but it may take months, so please be patient. Managing the Morning Cortisol Spike Yes, it can do that, but some forms of magnesium are worse for this than others. I think the link I gave you should help you figure out which forms are gentler on the stomach. Hang in there. This too shall pass!

@Erimus im really struggling. What would cause such a two-day long wave out of nowhere after such short windows and waves daily. I feel like this wave is permanent. Or is it even a wave???

@Catwoman73 I’m more than anxious. Not sleeping or eating. In bad bad shape the last two days. Not sure what to do.

The Paxil had probably pooped-out, that means it suddenly looses its effect after longterm use. Then you find yourself in a constant destabilised situation as if you were tapering which you were not. Taking paxil every other day as well as cutting creates volatile druglevels in blood. So bad advice but they just don't have a clue about the powerful halflife of paxil. It will eventually get better. My vision in 1 eye has been clear about 25% of the time for the last years. You will know when you become more stabike when your vision improves so use it in your advantage. No further medical investigation needed as @LostInCanada already mentioned. Been there, done that. Tons of times. Just saying this for reassurance. Laying down is the best possible way to calme your CNS. Consider informing your colleagues or boss about current circumstances. No details just in general. It would normally take up to years from 20 to 10 mgai so 3 months of withdrawal is relatively short. You have been forced to go the short but hard way down (and thankfully up again). Symptoms will fluctuate until CNS settles down after a while, also due to other daily influences (food, stress, chemicals etc.). On this site you can read more about the windows and waves pattern of stabilisation. Hairsprays for example can be a chemical trigger, as well as alcohol, chocolate, caffein, other medicines and others. We're here to help by experience. Bye Sebas

Hi @KateH- just checking in on you! Hope you're hanging in there!

We are all fragile- our brains are very sensitive organs!!! And I will say that none of us signed up for THIS. We live in a tough society, that demonizes negative emotions, and glorifies quick and easy fixes. What we signed up for is the promise of a safe drug to get us through the tough times. That was the sell. The drugs ARE super helpful in a crisis- I can say that at one time, I welcomed being a completely numb zombie. If I had known the long term effects though, I might have chosen differently. Or at least chosen to get off of them right away after the immediate crisis passed. I don't think there's a person here who wouldn't agree with me on that front!!! I, too, feel brutal in the morning, and almost normal by the evening. It seems to be related to the early morning cortisol spike that prepares us to wake up in the morning. I find it helpful to keep that in mind- knowing it's temporary makes it a bit more bearable. I'm glad you're feeling a bit more stable... one day at a time! Sending hugs...

Every individual case is different. Maybe you are more sensitive to the drug than the average person. But I still think you have good reasons to be optimistic. And even if the situation looks objectively grim...never give up on hope. Here are people that have been multi drugged for 20 years and they are somehow healing... Ich geh jetzt schlafen. Gute Nacht.

Thank you for the laugh @Warpman! I did read somewhere that withdrawal from SSRI/SNRI's is very similar to that of heroin. It's really crazy how readily these drugs are prescribed! I agree with @Terry- you have tapered VERY fast. I would say you are definitely experiencing withdrawal symptoms- the derealization, the nightmares... it's all part of it. I would never dream of telling another human being what to do, but in your shoes, I would certainly consider holding everything steady for a while. Give your body a chance to adapt. From your signature, it looks like you've had a LOT of changes over the last year, and that is very destabilizing. Just something to be aware of- feeling crappy in the morning, and better later in the day is very common due to the cortisol spike that happens in the early morning, as the body prepares to wake for the day. Coming to terms with that really helped me through, as I understood that it was temporary. I used to wonder how I ended up in this situation too. But we live in a society that demonizes negative emotions, and makes us feel like there's something seriously wrong with us if we experience anxiety, sadness, anger. These things are a normal part of the human experience though, and I really wish someone had taken the time to help me develop non-drug tools to deal with them sooner. But, the pills were given to me instead. It's sad, but we can only move forward now. And I have to believe we will all be better for it in the end- more compassionate with ourselves and others. Hang in there!!!